How to Get the Family to Communicate About My FIL Terminal Illness???

What Riley and Cheryl said-- with the added thought that when he IS sick enough not to go about living his normal life and things need to be discussed the social workers at the hospital or hospice are very good at facilitating and starting the discussion while respecting the family's method of coping (for that matter a lot of the chaplains are too)

This is about him, not you or your family or even your husband, and as much as you don't want to hear this, you need to stay out of it unless your help is requested. You can't force him or your MIL to "communicate" if they choose not to.

We lost my Dad to kidney failure and leukemia in February. Dad was diagnosed with the kidney failure 7 years ago, the leukemia a year ago. He did not want to let anyone in to his world of dealing with it, refused any help offered, he "pretended" for nearly 7 years. But it wasn't really pretending, he was grieving the loss of his health, his independence, his mobility, his life...denial is a part of the grief process, some people never get past it, he finally did the last month of his life.

He did finally allow one of my siblings to talk to his doctors to find out what his diagnosis/prognosis was, but only her, and the way the law is now that's the way it is, no authorization, they cannot talk to you, so you can't just show up and expect a doctor to inform you. Right now it seems to be your MIL who has that designation, and if she chooses not to share it's her right, and perhaps his wish.

I know you want to do what you think is best for him, but it isn't your call. And, transplants, trials and such may not even apply in his case, we were told past 60 Dad wouldn't be considered. It is frustrating to sit back and watch what you believe could be handled differently, but unless he is mentally incompetent according to his doctors and a court, he gets to deal with it.

Also, this is important for you to know, unless you or your husband has "power of attorney" that your FIL has signed or signs in the future, you have absolutely no say in your FIL's treatment, it may be your MIL who has that designation, either in writing or because she is his next of kin.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to do as much as possible with him for the memories it will give your sons, you should. We lived with Dad until the day he died and my nephew and little guy have memories of their "Tata," good ones of having fun and laughter with him and not so good ones from the last few weeks he was actively dying. They knew he loved them and he knew they loved him.

And, if you open your family to spending more time with him and you MIL the day may come when they open up a little, and you can say, "if there is anything we can help with, please let us know." Dad didn't accept the help until he needed hospice, other than us fixing his meals, administering his meds, and getting him to the doctor, and his wish was to die at home, so that's what we did, cared for him that last month until he died.

I know this is hard for you, you sound a lot like me, wanting to do whatever is possible to help someone we love. But remember, one day you may be in his place, and it will be your right to deal with it as you choose, you will want and expect others to respect your decisions as well.

My prayers are with you and your family Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ

Your husband is right.
Not talking about it is their style.
Respect it even if you disagree with it.
They told you by email because they don't want to deal with other s emotions right now.
The changes will come when they come.
Let them pretend while they can.
Worrying and fussing now seems to steal what quality time he has left.
Just tell them "If there's anything I can do for you, let me know" and then let it go.
They'll come to you in their own time.

They aren't pretending.

They're dealing, just in a different way than you are. And obviously not by denial, he's receiving care, they just aren't broadcasting everything, deciding by committee, or allowing it to dominate their lives.

2-3 years isn't long, but it's LONG. Some people don't want to spend their lives all about their death.

Especially as he has totally normal life now it sounds like he just wants to LIVE it. Later, when he's deeply affected, then there's time to talk it to death & make arrangements public, and actually NEED help.

How you can help is by respecting their choices.

The same way, if you wanted pow-wows, drastic measures, experimental treatment, etc... You would want YOUR wishes respected... Not blown off.

LATER, when they need help with things, then you can be there doing things... But for now? Let him live his life enjoying his Grandkids, having fun, and being normal.

For some people, asking them to talk about their health, or talk about anything bad or uncomfortable, is like asking them to basically take off their clothes. It makes them THAT uncomfortable. (And privacy, keeping up a good face, really is a form of clothing.)

I realize it makes you uncomfortable, but in terribly hard times, dignity is sometimes all a person has, and this kind of not-talking sounds like dignity for your FIL.

If you want to encourage your husband to encourage a second opinion or more aggressive treatment, great -- but I really think it needs to come from him.

In terms of the other stuff, give your boys memories of their grandpa NOW. Schedule as many visits as he can handle, though it may be best to keep them short. And can your husband handle the lawn care??? If not, could you give them the "gift" of a lawn care service for a few months? I would approach that cautiously, though. Doing ordinary, routine things, being outside in a place he loves -- those may be incredibly important for your FIL right now.

As hard as this is for you, its not your call. Your FIL is dealing with it in HIS way. That is why he sent the email. He didn't want to deal with anyones emotions.

If anyone should have the conversation, it should be your husband. If he won't or can't, then its the way it is.

You don't have to agree, but you do need to respect it. I'm so sorry!!

Since your hubby is adamant that you not do anything, I wouldn't do anything with regard to insurance or other planning for your mother-in-law.

I would, however, start taking the kids over more and start planning more family events, dinners, etc. I just wouldn't say anything about why, just do it.

Also, you don't say how old your kids are, but if they're old enough, maybe they can do some of the yard work for your FIL. Yard work can be theraputic for some people so he may want to continue doing it.

Your husband is right; every family handles this type of thing differently. You will probably find that they will be more open to discussing the future as time goes on and they have a chance to digest this information.

I also bet they told you by e-mail because they didn't want to have a big discussion about it and your FIL doesn't want sympathy and doesn't want people to treat him differently or act differently around him. So for now, they just want things to be as normal as possible. All totally understandable.

I agree with what Kimberly F. said. You could wear yourself out hoping and trying to make this different, and all you will get is worn out, and possibly in-laws that won't speak to you. Ask them occasionally if there is anything you can do for them, then back off.

All absolutely necessary things will get taken care of when they can't be avoided any longer. In the meantime, make memories for your children.

Hello,
I'm sorry to hear your news. In many ways, my parents sound much like your in-laws and I think that if there were some bad health news, this is exactly the way that they would handle it. Hell, my first baby I miscarried and my parents came to my house and made dumb chit chat about mundane things instead of comforting me!

I agree with the others that this is not your call, and in my own family, it wouldn't be my call, either. That probably still wouldn't stop me from suggesting a second opinion, though. Anyway, I can tell by your post that you think and worry about the big picture. You're a planner. So am I. It's hard, but remember you're not in charge, you're FIL is.

It's a wonderful thing that you live close to your inlaws and have a great relationship with them and that you're involved in one another's lives regularly and frequently. That is golden, really. Enjoy your time with them, savor it and realize that in the big picture, 2-3 years is a gift. Hugs to you.

You've already been told by your husband to stay out of it. You admitted that for 20 years since you've known them, this is how they handle their family issues. So stay out of it. It isn't your business. However, if it were me, next time I saw your MIL, I would say something brief like, I'm sorry about dad, please let me know if I can help you with anything. DONE. They will figure it out. The LAST thing that needs to happen is for your hubby to be pissed off at you doing/saying stuff he's asked you not to. Good luck!

The family is "frozen" in their anguish about it.
But yes, as you said, ignoring it and not doing anything about it, will not do anything. And yes, MIL has to be thought of too... .down the road as well. And getting him a good Doc and hospital etc.

Your FIL telling you by e-mail, is his way of telling you. Don't expect someone else to say it, the way you thought, it should have been said.

They are in denial. This is the emotional "process" of things like this.
Hospitals, have social workers... who can provide help/information/information about support groups, etc. So that is a resource, to go to for help.

And yes, care giving has to be decided on.
By whom, and the costs of it. And going through lots of paperwork to get things in order.
And YES, your MIL cannot do this all by herself.

My late Dad, died due to many health issues. Prior to that, we all did care giving for him. He was at home. It is VERY arduous, to do care giving for an ill person. AND my Mom, could NOT at all, do it by herself. Just the transporting and driving my Dad to his MANY Doctor appointments, was hard and took ALL of us to get off from work, to schedule our timing of driving him, to coordinate EVERYONE and him, daily, per schedules etc. This is the least, of what goes on. Daily.
And there is TONS of paperwork/insurance/health things to look into and get organized. Again, my Mom alone, could not do this all by herself.
These things, has to be organized, already. Waiting, will not help. There are timelines and deadlines for paperwork, etc. For example. And processing times. For example.
AND someone has to observe MIL... to make sure SHE is fine and not getting depressed over it, or too stressed about it etc. and to look out for her. This is a LOT for a person, to process and handle, emotionally and mentally.

You are able to think about this, in a rational way... because you are an In-Law... thus can step back from it, to see it rationally. But your Husband and his family, cannot do that. Yet.
But ignoring it, will only cause more problems.

BUT... you cannot "make" them, do these things. Even if it is common sense to you. They have to, get it together. Somehow.
The thing also is: it is hard for your Husband... though you know rationally what needs to be done... don't cause a War over it, with your Husband. And he and his family is the way they are.

Support groups, can help a lot.
My Mom, attended a "grief" support group... per my Dad. And it helped her immensely. You can try asking the hospital if they know of any grief groups.

The last thing your FIL needs... is a family war. Over him. He does not need, problems. He needs to feel secure and not worried, about everyone.

All the best.

Let him "wrap his head around what's happening" things might change with communication-the lack of discussion is probably just shock and disbelief. God bless all of you!