How to Get My Two Year Old to Stop Sleeping with Us

I recommend the book "Good Night, Sleep Tight" by Kim West. It really has helped me with my son. I can't stand to do the "let them cry it out" method so this book really helped. They have a bunch of different things you can try.

When a child goes through a developmental stage that focuses on control or power, ages 2-5, testing the waters and refusing to do as they are told is very possible. Her need to engage you at night and sleep with you may be just a vehicle to get your more of you, and it has become a habit.

Think about it from your young child’s point of view. What does a parent do when responding to something like not staying in bed 1. You stop what you’re doing. 2. You turn your head and look directly into her eyes. 3. You give her 100% of your focused attention as you tell her “this needs to stop, go back to your bed.”
Getting 100% focused attention for a young child is like getting a slice of parent pie. When being corrected she knows the look on your face isn’t the best look she could get, but since she’s young and uses immature reasoning, she figures some parent pie is better than no parent pie, and even mad parent pie still has 100% focused attention attached to it! 
It’s not a fully adult way of thinking about things, but there you have it.

The solution, I call the modified Ferber or Super Nanny Approach, and no one likes it, is to replace the bedtime ritual with something else, and most of the time that involves needing to listen to crying and silently taking the child back to her bed over, and over, and over, and over again for a few nights! You will not be abandoning her by doing what I’m suggesting.

I don't believe in making children suffer, but I also believe, in most cases, what looks and feels like suffering is a child's extreme attempt to try to make things go back to the way it has always been, to what the child has come to understand is normal in my house.

At bedtime do everything the normal way you have always done, with one exception, she goes to her bed not yours. Be prepared for crying and getting out of bed, in fact, count on it.
By counting on the fact that this will happen you’ve prepared yourself emotionally before you begin, and your feelings won't stop you or surprise you.

Watch Super Nanny on Wednesday’s at 8 or 9 pm, most weeks she shows parents how all of this goes. In case Super Nanny’s bedtime routine isn’t on this week let me break it down for you.

The first time your child gets out of her bed you simply say, “it’s time for bed.” AND say nothing else at all as you walk her back to her bed. There will be lots of fussing and doing what ever she thinks will work to get you to change your mind.
Do the exact same thing the second time.
The third time, say nothing and just take her back to bed. Ignore all the pleas and cries for you. Only go to her when she is out of her room and take her back to bed.

This is a silent repetition process. Preschoolers need repetition in order to learn. You may at this for 1-2 hours the first night, or less. Then the second night the amount of time needed to get her to stay in her bed will drop down dramatically and by the third night she should pretty much fall right to sleep.

By repeating the same thing again and again you’re replacing the old ritual with a new ritual. Remember you’ll be undoing 2 years of learned behavior. AND you are teaching her how to self-soothe and get her self to sleep which is a skill all children must learn.
Good luck, The Mommie Mentor, www.proactiveparenting.net (notice .net)

Read this book: "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" by Dr. Richard Ferber. This book saved my life -- literally. It helped me with my 10 month old who would not sleep unless he was nursing, and my 3 year old who would not go to sleep unless we lay down with him until he fell asleep. It was a nightmare! It would sometimes take 2 hours before he would fall asleep. Then I read this book, followed Dr. Ferber's advice, and within THREE days, had kids who were able to fall asleep on their own, in their own beds, and stay asleep all night long. It's true that when your kids TRULY need you, you should be there for them, but to reinforce a bad habit is just plain irresponsible on the parents part.

Good luck! Read the book -- you will be so glad that you did!

A. (SAHM of 3 boys and 9 weeks prego)

P.S. - After reading some other comments on this subject, I think you are wise to want to nip this in the bud now. It boggles my mind to think that any parent would WANT their child to be so dependent on them! I think its a shame! In regards to anxiety and fear, what kind of message are we sending our children when we don't allow them to try and work some things out on their own? How will they ever learn to live without their mom or dad if we don't teach them? Isn't the whole point of rasing children to nurture them, teach them and show them how to eventually live happy, successful, INDEPENDENT lives?? My four year old son came in bed with me last night because he had a bad dream. I snuggled him for a few minutes, said a prayer with him, and then helped him back in his bed. I do not want him thinking that he doesn't have the ability to deal with things on his own. I am here to offer support and comfort when needed, but not to the tune of sharing my bed with him and making him completely dependent on me! -- Again, read the book. It is chock full of great information and advice, and you will understand more about sleep than you ever imagined!

C.,
I had the same problem....until I set some boundaries with my kids and there was no choice in the matter. Eventually it will work. You just need to be consistant in getting her upstairs and het a routine that you follow....for example after dinner, take a bath, rub lotion on her, have her pick out 2-3 stories to read in her bed and by that time is bed time!!! if she does not cooperate, no stories. If she does, them there is a fun lovin story time in her room. (or what ever your bedtime routine is, but what ever your routine is, make sure that you do it upstairs and not down. Her room needs to be the focus of her bedtime routine. Get dressed in there, massage lotion there, play a game in there read stories....make her room fun. Right now she just sees her room and it represents you not being there.

Stay strong and consistant!

T.
www.tesabartell.myarbonne.com
Let her know what your expectation is

I put a chair in the bedroom after tucking my children in, and would sit quietly. When they got out of bed I would put them back in. I moved to the doorway once they stayed in bed, and then into the hall. This took me a week or two of every night doing this and giving up some time but it worked. Every child is different though.:) One child woke up middle of the night and would try to crawl in our bed- I just quietly got up and put him back and stayed til he went to sleep again. I still have to do this off and on and he is older now.

Hi There,

We had this problem for years with one of our two daughters who did not like the split floorplan in our last house. Can you possibly let your children sleep in the same room? We did that and it helped.

Also, we let our daughter sleep on a sofa in our room for awhile.

Since the issue seemed to be fear, we felt the best solution was some company.

They tend to go thru seperation anxiety. I know some wont agree with me but why fight it. They wont be 15 and sleeping in your bed. My children did the same thing. We were all on the same floor. They need that reasurrance from you. It doesnt last long. Maybe a couple weeks at best. My children are 6 and 9 and the moments are very few and far between. Mostly when they have had a bad nightmare. I never had this with my parents and I so wish I did. My husband and I often laugh about those moments. They grow so fast.

I think you should make it much more pleasant to sleep upstairs... Read to her, play with her, talk to her - only if she is in her room. If she sleeps with you, no reading, barely enough talking to let her know it is more fun upstairs...

I haven't had that problem with my kids, even when they did sleep with me, they didn't mind going to their own room. I do however, remember being 8 years old and sleeping in my dad's bed. I was afraid of the dark and he had a little night light. He allowed me to fall asleep in his bed, and then, when he went to bed, he just took me to mine. I must have slept like a rock, because I never knew when he took me. I just fell asleep in his bed and when I woke up I was in mine. I felt really good about this, it was a priviledge and I knew my dad had hugged me (just to carry me, really) during the night.
Maybe you can try the same with your little girl.
Good luck.

I am going to suggest something that may be taken very wierdly but just hang in there because it makes sense. Depending on what your family's faith is I would create some sort of little ritual that will make all the scary things in her room go away. Some Native Americans would burn a stick of sage, Budhists burn juniper branches, Christians hang a cross on the wall, Catholics put up a picture of a favored saint or the Virgin. Even if you don't have particular religious affiliation you can make up a silly song or make a game out of it. Let your daughter take part in some sort of cleansing ritual and give her something "magic" that will keep any ogey boogey's away such as a special nightlight, stuffud toy, flashlight etc. Perhaps you could even give her a blanket that is normally on your bed so she feels like she has a piece of you with her (or one of your t-shirts over her pillow case).
When I was 2-3 I used to have terrible night terrors until my mom had a Native American friend come burn sage and say prayers in my room. After that I never had a problem sleeping through the night again.
It sounds goofy but for whatever reason kids sometimes imagine scary things in their rooms and if you give them some sense of power over it then they calm right down. Kid's lives are overwhelming and they often feel like they have no control over anything that happens to them. Especially at 2 when they are still part baby and part independent child. I would do my best to help her face and overcome her fear so that she can continue to do so later in life.

I don't know how close you are to Albuquerque, but there's a sleep class next week at http://www.bodymindandspiritabq.com on Monday.

They discuss baby sleep issues, as well as things like getting your toddler into their own room. Strategies for every situation. Good luck!

My children are 7 and 9 and they no longer sleep with us:o(
Just recently, our daughter slept 3 nights in our bed (She just needed to, so we let her).
My husband and I just relished those few precious nights!!

You young mothers don't realize just HOW FAST your children are growing. There is nothing more precious than sharing sleep with your little ones. Their need to be with you doesn't go away when the sun goes down. Let them be little when they are little. They will be big so fast and you will look back and wonder -where is that sweet little girl who used to climb in bed with me?!

Our children transitioned into their own beds pretty easily because they knew they were always welcome in our bed. When children express a need (and for your 2 year old, this is a need), and the need is met, they relax and anxiety fades. When they feel confident that you will be there for them, they can venture out and try new things. When mothers try to minimize their children's needs and coax them to independence too soon, it makes them tense, anxious, and insecure, and causes them to cling to you all the more. This transition will be long and frustrating if you are pushing her to do something she isn't ready to do. You have allowed her to be there up until now, so the change is too abrupt for her. To her little mind, upstairs is a world away from you. Even though big sister is up their, you are not. And you are her mother, the one she needs.
Could you transition her into a bed in your room? Perhaps a small matress on the floor near you. Many mothers find that this helps in the transition.
Give her time and then perhaps plan a "sleepover" with big sister and you and her can sleep upstairs with big sister and eat popcorn and have a great time at the "sleepover". And by the way, she probably won't make it through the night, but that is okay. If it was fun, she may want to try again sometime.
Enjoy your baby - she is IS still a baby.

Ummm, why not just put a gate at the top of the stairs that she can't get open? So she might spend the first few nights crying at the top of the stairs, but eventually she will realize that that isn't getting her anywhere and will just end up in her own bed.

First of all, don't ask her. :-D That sounds horrible, but she's only 2! You don't want to give her the decision--you're the adult. Frankly, in my experience, a 2 year old if asked her opinion, will choose whatever you don't want her to have :-D.

Now that being said, there are ways to make it a little easier on her. Take her shopping and make a big deal out of getting her "big girl" sheets. Make them very special. Talk to her about her new big girl sheets/pillow/stuffed animal/pajamas. Talk about it for a couple of days. Leave them downstairs where she can show people and let her show as many people as possible (but don't put them on in your room downstairs--it is for her bedroom only). Get her REALLY excited about it. Have her help you make her bed on the day you are ready to try it (probably over the weekend would be best). Always talk about it in a really excited voice and tell her what a big helper she is making her bed with her new big girl sheets.

Then just do it. Be as excited about it as possible. Tell her now that she's a big girl she gets to sleep upstairs where the big girls sleep. Then when the time comes, CALMLY tell her it is time to go to bed. Hug her, kiss her, read to her...whatever your normal night night routine is, but when it is over just leave the room. Don't act anxious about it because she will feed into that emotion and think YOU are worried about leaving HER so there must be some reason for her to worry. If you are calm, she should be calm to. However, she is TWO and she wants to get her way. So she might throw a fit. Let her throw a fit. She is wanting to do whatever she can to get her way and she knows crying will work--eventually. Don't go back in. Don't sleep with her. I know it seems well-intentioned, but you are actually reinforcing that she should be worried about being in her room.

It should only take 1 or 2 nights maximum--and honestly I don't think it will take that long if she gets really excited about it...she might not even cry at all if you don't act like it is a big deal that you're leaving...don't even talk about it--just focus on the positives and it might just change her perspective completely.

Good luck!

Hello C.!
I had this same problem with my daughter when she was about 3. I talked to the doctor and a counselor and they both told me a couple of things that worked well.
First of all, the sad part is she will cry at first until she gets used to sleeping in her own room. The doctors both told me that she really NEEDED to wake up in her own room. Something about waking up in her own room would eventually make her comfortable. So, they suggested that for the first 5-7 days we let her fall asleep "wherever" she was comfortable. BUT then we had to take her and put her in her bed so that she would wake up in there. (Yes, the first few nights we "all-nighters".) Once you get her to actually STAY asleep all night in her own bed you can start trying to get her to fall asleep in their. The doctors both recommended a "bedtime routine". For my daughter that meant I would read her a story IF she would get into bed without throwing a fit. Once she was actually IN bed and under the covers WITHOUT a fit, I would read to her until she was SO tired she couldn't stay awake. We HAD to be very specific with her about "the rules"--- if she through a fit, she didn't get a story. Make sure you talk to her all day about her "bedtime story" so that she is excited about whatever you're going to read her. Also, make sure to keep telling her that she HAS to get into bed WITHOUT a fit in order to get the story. It will take time, and you will lose some sleep, but once she figures out that "this is just how it's going to be" and that you're NOT going to give in, she will adjust... and she'll be happy! She really will!!!! (My sister did this with 2 of my nephews as well and it worked for her too... within 3 weeks.)
I know this all sounds a bit "mean", but TRUST ME!!!! It worked very well!!!! It took us about 3 weeks, but after that she's ALWAYS had a bedtime routine... and still does.
OH! A night light is a GREAT idea too!!!... and maybe a teddy bear or favorite doll.
Good luck!!! I hope you get some good sleep soon!!! :o)

C.