How to Get Daughter to Open Up

i totally disagree with karin. confronting her and dragging her in for tests will make her feel disrespected and as if her trust has been violated. this is a tender situation and should be handled with tact, love and a positive attitude.
you really can't make her open up. this is a privacy matter, and it's no reflection on your relationship with her that she may be less than forthcoming about it with you. it's not likely that your reaction will be 'yay!', after all.
trust that her basic good nature and your basic good parenting underlie everything that's going on here.
i do agree that driving is a great place to bring this sort of subject up. because you're both facing forward she won't feel interrogated. rather than *asking* her per se, that is having a conversation that involves her feeling pressured to answer, you could open it up in a 'once upon a time when i was a girl' way, telling her how you feel without ever placing her in a position where she feels cornered. allow silence if that's what she gives back, just keep it a warm, comfortable silence. you want her to feel confident about coming to you with questions or concerns, not pressured into a confession. tell her that you know she's wise and educated enough to realize that the pill won't protect her from STDs, and that condoms must be part of today's sexuality, no ifs, ands or buts. if you think she's too young right now, tell her that honestly, but with compassion and understanding for the possibility that she and her boyfriend are in love and trust each other enough to have proceeded. that you love and support her even if she is having sex and you wish she weren't.
you handle it by making yourself realize that in some ways your daughter is moving into young adulthood and you can't control her every move. you can tell her frankly that you wish she wouldn't, but imposing martial law and forbidding contact will have the opposite effect from the one you want.
i remember coming upon my older boy and his First Great Love entwined in each other's arms when he was supposed to be on the couch. i stood at the foot of the bed and held each of their bare feet and informed them that i knew they loved each other and were responsible, but that cara's mom trusted us to have her sleep alone at our house and that was exactly what i expected them to do in the future. that they would just have to sneak around to have sex, just like everybody else.
they were amused, appreciative of being treated like adults, and from that point on very respectful of the house rules.
:) khairete
S.

Why do you want to know?

honey, unless you want to raise your grand kids, dont sit back and do nothing, if she is having sex with her boyfriend it is your business because the job of paying for absolutely everything is going to fall on you, so unless you are a vanderbelt or a rothchild heiress, sit her down and ask her point blank if she is having sex with him, then get her tested for pregnancy and or vd.
K. h.
by the way, the bast time to talk to the kid is in the car, they are a captive audience, use the time to your advantage

That's a really tricky question. I think the best you can do is have an in depth talk with her about the subject. I'm assuming you feel she is too young and you can tell her that and why you think so. And with that being said you want to make sure that she is fully informed so when she feels she is ready she can make informed decisions. Especially since she is on the pill she may feel that that is enough-but that it doesn't cover STI's. She needs to know how to properly put on condoms and that that doesn't give full protection either. Warts herpes etc can be anywhere on the genital area.

Tell her you love and trust her and you're not judging her you just want the best for her emotionally and physically.

That is how I think I'll handle it when my daughter is old enough anyway. My mom was always open with my sister and I so I was informed when I started having sex at 16 after dating my boyfriend for 6 months. I didn't tell my mom but I went to planned parenthood, got on the pill and used condoms. Had I not been informed I'm sure I would've had sex anyway-just would have made worse decisions.

Hope this helps. Sorry if it's jumbled-I'm preggo and fighting a fever and brain is a little slow this morning. Good luck!

Well my daughter is only 3, but I have a niece who is 16, and she calls me when she has a problem with her friends or boyfriend. The way I think she feels like she can relate to me is I try to tell her something similar I went through at her age, that she is currently going through. Whether it's school, or her peers drinking, or sex. I think a teens biggest thought about an adult is "They can never understand what I'm going through". We know how much we went through as teens, especially all of the pressures, but our kids don't realize that we were young once too.

THis is tough. I have 2 teen girls, one is 19 (away at college), one is 16. I have talked with them about sex since they were tots - they asked questions about where babies came from, etc. and I always gave an honest, age-appropriate answer. I have also spoken to a couple of my older daugther's friends who are sexually active about sex (my older daughter was not sexually active in h/s, not sure about now) as they weren't talking to their parents. Believe it or not, they were enormously grateful to have a nonjudgemental ear and know that I was there if they needed me.

The one line I have stated over and over is, "you always have a choice...it's always your choice," and also, "sex is about a lot more than the physical part; it is mostly emotional - especially for girls and only YOU can know when you are ready for that part of it." I also tell them (no kidding) that their body is their temple; it is theirs and they always have the choice about what to do with it. Needless to say, I mention safe sex/birth control whenever I can (ie- no need to ever get pregnant unless you WANT to). My younger daugther talks to me much more about where she is with this and how she knows she's not ready, etc. Whether she tells me when does have sex (or is thinking about it) is another story but I know I will be there to listen, help her think it through, ask questions to get her to the "right" answer for her, etc. The older one is much more silent on the topic. However, I completely believe that all that I have said over the years is in their heads, whether they respond or not.

At the end of the day, if they're going to have sex, they're going to have sex (just like we did). I encourage you to provide a supportive, safe environment; make sure she has birth control (sounds like she does) and that you trust her to do what's best for her. If they are having sex, there's not turning back until one wants to break-up, which is likely (especially if one/both go off to college). As long as her life is not in jeopardy, as long as she seems to you to be happy and healthy, I encourage you to accept it as best you can (easy for me to say) and continue to let her know - when you can - you trust her to listen to herself in terms of doing what's best for herself and, if she gets in a jam, needs to talk, has a problem, she can ALWAYS come to you (I have also always encouraged my kids to go to other moms; one of the hardest parts for me being a teen who was sexually active was having NO adult who would listen and not judge and just support me).

Sounds like she's a good kid and that counts for a lot. And the fact that you want to keep a strong relationship with her is great. There is also a book you may like, "Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk." Good luck!

You have gotten some great answers. I will agree that it's in both your best interest to have an open dialogue as best you can. You could offer to take her to Planned Parenthood or a midwife for a well woman check up. Much less intimidating than an OB.
She can learn how to take responsibility for her own health and wellness.

You need to talk to her, however uncomfortable it may be. However, remember that you cannot force her to tell you anything. All you can do is give her good information, express to her your values, morals, faith, etc. as hopefully, you've been doing all along. Let her know that it's ok for her to tell you, and that you will respect her. Tell her why you are concerned, and make sure she knows both the emotional and physical consequences that are possible from sexual behavior. This includes oral sex, which is frightenely common among teens these days.

Think about what your reaction would be to both answers. If she is having sex, what would you do? If she isn't, what would your reaction be. I am reading a great book right now called Bringing up Girls by Dr. James Dobson. I highly recommend it.

I wouldn't worry about her opening up to you.
She probably thinks you couldn't handle the truth. She might be right.
It might be that this boyfriend is true love and they'll end up marrying someday. Get to know him and his folks now. They could be future in-laws.
In the mean time, they are in a time of their life where they both need to see plenty of other people so they know for sure that once they are ready to settle down they know they've made the right choice.
This means lot's of after school activities and meeting lot's of people. Sports, dancing, art classes, church groups, girl scouts, etc. They are not too young for part time jobs, either. And they could work a bit on their school work, too. It's part of being well rounded and being prepared for their future what ever that turns out to be.
Sure they'll have time for an occasional date, but they should be so busy they don't have a whole lot of time.

I fully agree with Karin. Take a drive with her, preferably at night when its dark so you guys won't see each other as much, and have a heart to heart. Let her know that you love her and trust her but want to make sure she is safe. I also think that its better to have the talk sooner than later. The pill is only so effective and I have a nephew who is a pill baby, so she needs to understand that she still needs to take other precautions. Good luck mama!

Hi H., (fellow Momma)
This is a complicated question, and you have gotten a lot of helpful feedback already! That's great.

I would look for (or create) an opportunity to just say something like, "Hey, you know, when I was your age, I remember the pressure around me from other kids, plus pressure from my boyfriend to have sex. Are you feeling like that?" That might be a nice way to open up the conversation.

You can also use that as a chance to tell her that sex is really a sacred act. Despite what this culture often presents to our teens on the subject, it is not to be taken lightly.

There is an emotional fragility (or deepened sensitivity) that comes along with sexual intimacy. That presents a great deal of responsibility for each partner.

There are also spiritual issues to be discussed, depending on what your point of view in this area is.

On the biological front, of course she will need to see a gynecologist. She also needs to know that the pill does help prevent pregnancy, but it will not protect against STD's. (You can ask her if she needs any information about STD's).

In the process of this discussion you might be able to learn whether she and her boyfriend are sexually active or not. If you trust her, and she has shown a pattern of thoughtful decision making, then I wouldn't worry.

I hope you will make your mission about education, not a mission to manipulate her or get details from her that she may or may not be willing to share. (remember it's to be a discussion, not an inquisition- the last thing you want is for her to feel punished for her honesty.)

I would make sure she has all the correct information - that is more important than for you to be totally informed on the details of her (possible) sex life.

If you find out that she *is* having sex and you don't know how to "handle it", then write to Mamapedia again! I'm sure there are tons of mommas out here that will be happy to give you all the support you need. :)

Speaking of not being able to "handle it", your daughter must be able to sense on some level that you're really uncomfortable with the subject. Clearly - as most parents would- you'd rather her NOT be sexually active. I'm sure she knows that. (Right?)

May we all do our best to remember what it felt like to be 16, and to remember that sexual development is totally natural.

You know, it occurs to me as I write this that the way we cringe when we think of our parents having sex is likely the way she might feel about revealing details of her intimate life with her boyfriend - it may make her feel like cringing!

You've come this far and it sounds like she is a smart, creative, and wonderful young woman. So have faith in your daughter. Do not fear, just be there - be present in the moment - and you'll find your opportunity to make sure she is well equipped to handle these tough choices.

Hoping for the best - xoxo