Teens and Birth Control

Sounds like you have s good relationship and that she can talk to you about sex/birth control.
She'll tell you when she's ready.
You really can't "make her" do this.

Do not put her on birth control agianst her will. All that will do is send the message that you don't trust her.
She came to you before. There is no need to think she won't come to you again.
Teen sex doesn't have to be something that just happens. I was 17 my first time, it was planned, and we took precautions.

i don't think so. i hear your reasoning and appreciate it, but i think forcing a young woman (who sounds as if she's smart and thoughtful, if somewhat naive) to go on birth control when SHE doesn't want to is pretty heavy-handed.
i presume she and the bf know about condoms, so if they veer from the 'wait until marriage' plan or she falls for someone else, she still knows what to do.
i don't think this is something YOU do.
if your relationship is as open as you say, you simply keep that door open, keep the conversations ongoing, and trust that she will a) come to you when she's ready and b) know what to do if she decides to proceed without birth control. and of course, there's so much more than pregnancy to think about.
khairete
S.

I am trying so hard not to be snarky. But, bottom line, you are considering putting your non-sexually active daughter on a prescription medication....that can have short term and long term side effects, including blood clots and cancer, just because?? Birth control is not something that should be taken just because. It helps lots of women, but it is NOT the only birth control out there.

You seem to have a great relationship with her. And she sounds like a girl with great head on her shoulders. Trust her!

And personally, I would recommend condoms and not the pill (or similar). Prevents pregnancy and STDs.

I don't think I would force her onto BC if she is really pushing back on you. But I would make sure she carries condoms with her. And reinforce that if she does have sex - and they happen to skip or break the condom - that Plan B exists and it's something you'll need to do for certain.

My humble opinion is that we parents must be careful that we do not project our own issues on to our children.

You run the risk of inadvertently telling her that she, herself, is a mistake. I know you don't mean to do that, don't get me wrong.

I think you've done everything you should do when it comes to educating her about her body and the ramifications of sex. Now it's up to her to chart the course of her own life. Yes, it is hard.

Hang in there.

You can't put her on birth control if she doesn't want it. The thought you had about birth control when you were 18 made sense at the time because you were in the circumstance and immature.

Your daughter is not you, and the thought processes when you were at teenager are something to leave behind. You need to think and act like the grown woman you are now.

"I have a lot of pressure from my family members and my husband to go ahead and put her on birth control just in case, "

Please stop discussing this with anyone but your daughter. No one else in your family should be in on this (except maybe the girl's father) and if they have an opinion you need to nip it in the bud by telling them it is not their business.

I would be careful to put your teen on a medication without her wanting to be on it. Not too many doctors would be ok prescribing it in that case. They usually talk to the teen and ask why they are wanting to go on birth control - if your daughter says "I don't - my mother wants me to be on it" .. they may have a problem prescribing it. The ones I know would anyhow.

I would for the meantime make sure she has condoms. You want to stress safe sex (not just pregnancy) as I'm sure you have. But that way she's covered should the possibility arise.

Just keep the communication open. Let her know if she changes her mind you won't be disappointed - it's more about having her protected and that her health and wellbeing in your top concern. I'm sure you have already.

I know you would have concerns where you had her at 18 (understandable) but she may resent you if you push the pill on her for assuming she will do the same.

Sounds like you have a good relationship and she feels she can talk to you which is great.

Good luck :)

You know your daughter. If you know she is the kind of girl who will come to you and ask for birth control before she needs it, then no, you don't need to force birth control on her. Nor should you force drugs/hormones on anyone.

I knew I could trust my daughter to come to me and make sure she was on birth control before she had sex, so I know that there ARE girls whom you can trust to do that, especially when they tell you that's what they intend to do.

I have a feeling your values are different from mine, but if my daughter told me she intended to wait until marriage, I'd say something like, "Well, honey, I'm glad you're not rushing out to have sex, and I'm glad to know that you're responsible enough to make sure you are on birth control when you do have sex; however I really don't think you should wait until marriage to have sex with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Sexual compatibility is an important aspect of a relationship, and you need to make sure before you marry someone that you are compatible in the bedroom in addition to the other areas of your life."

I've personally had enough sexual duds that I would never counsel someone to marry without testing the sexual waters. But that's me. Maybe if someone doesn't know what they are missing, they won't know that they are having crappy sex.

I would likely have her get birth control pills and buy her a box of condoms and spermicide. Let her keep them somewhere private where you will NOT peek and if/when she is ready, she can decide. She does need to know that she needs to be on the pill for a month before it will reliably protect her. Please make sure she is also aware of the morning after pill, just in case.

You can put her on birth control (which she will likely interpret as a 'no confidence in you' move, sorry but it's true), but what are you going to do, stand over her and make her take it?

I think it would be wiser to listen to your daughter at this point in time. I'm all for helping teens who *want* birth control to get it, but I also feel that you are treating her like a child in this way. It's not a vitamin or allergy medicine or something for dealing with an illness-- so, to 'put her on' a medication which is purely elective-- and one she is not showing any inclination toward wanting-- tells her that you you think she can't control herself. And if she's too young to be making her own medical decisions, then yes, she's too young to be having sex.

See how confusing this all is? Listen to your daughter.

I understand where you are coming from. You don't want her to make the same mistake that you did. Sorry if that is so blunt.

Your daughter has told you that she is not ready for sex and is not interested in getting on birth control. Yes, she works a lot but there is always a quick just a minute to do something else time frame that may one day lead to sex. However, right now she is not there. Keep your fingers crossed and pray that she does wait until high school is complete before experimenting.

She is 16 and on the verge of becoming an adult who can make her own decisions and you are going to have to learn to respect her choices. Remember the saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. The same is true for your daughter.

I have a friend who has four daughters and she did watch them and put one on the pill. But she also realized that sometimes she did not take it and there were other issues. To make a long story short, that whole family is like a soap opera that no one could dream up and think it is real as to how their lives have turned out.

So don't force your child to do something they don't want to do unless you are ready for the consequences and the push back from them. You may lose her in the process and never have that mother/daughter bond.

It is time to start talking more to her as an adult and going from there as two women. It may be hard in the beginning but it will get better as it goes along unless you do something to strain the relationship.

the other S.

PS Be there for her but don't hover over her like a helicopter parent. She is not you.

If you haven't already, take her to see a doctor and let her discuss her options with the doctor. Maybe the doctor can help recommend what other teens are doing most successfully these days. Besides the pill, there is a shot, an IUD, a patch, etc. Maybe there is one that won't seem as big of a deal to her and she'd be willing to consider it.

No, but by her some condoms she can carry with her just in case it goes that far. This way she'll have some birth control on hand but not have a pill to take. Plus I bet she'd not want to take it and wouldn't.

My daughter is not me. She is her own person always has been, I am VERY proud of this.

I tried to voice my values and my worries. I gave her options and suggestions, but once she was this age I tried to never make her feel like her choices were wrong.

Instead I would say, I am concerned that if you do not do this, you may have regrets in the future." OR I would say, "I have made a mistake like this in my life, and I just do not want you to make the same mistake. "
"I know you are not me, but I still worry."

This is one of the hardest parts of being a parent. Letting them grow up and make their own choices. But you HAVE to allow her to make these decisions, especially while she is still home, because very soon (it goes so fast) she will be getting ready to attend and get ready for college, you will not be there to guide her. She needs to know you trust her choices. But also will still want to share with you.

I don't think you put someone on medication for no reason. You can't force her to take a pill unless you stand over her every single day, watch her and check her mouth to be sure she swallowed it. (They do that in prisons and mental hospitals to keep people from stockpiling or trading meds.) It will likely destroy your relationship with your daughter too, so I think it's highly risky. You also run the risk of the boyfriend's parents thinking you are encouraging and pressuring them to have a sexual relationship.

Right now they are naive and think that "no sex right now" means "wait until marriage" - they may not feel that way in 6 months. Or six days.

I do think it's important for a 16 year old to have a check up with a doctor. You can have her see the pediatrician, help her "graduate" to an adolescent and adult medicine specialist, or you can take her to a women's clinic where she will get counseling and education as well as a check up. That way her information is up to date and from an objective person. Most of the time, the counselor will also speak to the boyfriend as well, counseling them together for at least part of the time. Your daughter needs to have a relationship with a health care professional who will ask her about her periods, teach her to check her breasts, and other basic health care subjects that are separate from or in addition to issues about intercourse. If she gets into this habit, then she can see someone at the college health care services on her own.

I think it's okay to have condoms in her possession "in case" but you have to handle that carefully, and she has to know that condoms alone are not entirely effective for contraception. I disagree with the post below about having birth control pills on hand "in case" - kids aren't going to plan ahead that much to take a pill every day for a month, and they have to start around a period anyway. Besides, the doctor would have no way of knowing when she actually started, and anyone on medication needs to be monitored. I think, if she has a relationship with a doctor and has had a check-up, she can call in on her own and say "I'm ready for the pill now." I remember how awkward it was for me the first time I had to tell a doctor I didn't know that I was planning on being sexually active - it's so difficult.

I think you're right that she may think "Let's have sex" is planned out like "Let's go to the movies on Saturday" or "Let's go to the prom in 2 months." It's good that you recognize that. At some point, making out with her boyfriend will feel better than the "heavy petting" incident with the prior boy, and her hormones and sex drive will kick in. It's good that she has a good set of "brakes" right now, but those may be set aside. It's great that you have the relationship you do with her, so you need to maintain that and honor it by emphasizing that she's in control of her body.

Updated

I don't think you put someone on medication for no reason. You can't force her to take a pill unless you stand over her every single day, watch her and check her mouth to be sure she swallowed it. (They do that in prisons and mental hospitals to keep people from stockpiling or trading meds.) It will likely destroy your relationship with your daughter too, so I think it's highly risky. You also run the risk of the boyfriend's parents thinking you are encouraging and pressuring them to have a sexual relationship.

Right now they are naive and think that "no sex right now" means "wait until marriage" - they may not feel that way in 6 months. Or six days.

I do think it's important for a 16 year old to have a check up with a doctor. You can have her see the pediatrician, help her "graduate" to an adolescent and adult medicine specialist, or you can take her to a women's clinic where she will get counseling and education as well as a check up. That way her information is up to date and from an objective person. Most of the time, the counselor will also speak to the boyfriend as well, counseling them together for at least part of the time. Your daughter needs to have a relationship with a health care professional who will ask her about her periods, teach her to check her breasts, and other basic health care subjects that are separate from or in addition to issues about intercourse. If she gets into this habit, then she can see someone at the college health care services on her own.

I think it's okay to have condoms in her possession "in case" but you have to handle that carefully, and she has to know that condoms alone are not entirely effective for contraception. I disagree with the post below about having birth control pills on hand "in case" - kids aren't going to plan ahead that much to take a pill every day for a month, and they have to start around a period anyway. Besides, the doctor would have no way of knowing when she actually started, and anyone on medication needs to be monitored. I think, if she has a relationship with a doctor and has had a check-up, she can call in on her own and say "I'm ready for the pill now." I remember how awkward it was for me the first time I had to tell a doctor I didn't know that I was planning on being sexually active - it's so difficult. When I was doing health and reproductive counseling, I had only a few young women who were ready to learn to use a diaphragm - but it is an option that she should at least learn about, as something that can be used, like condoms, on a case by case basis. It can be awkward "in the moment" but then again I counseled dozens of couples who didn't know what to do with condoms and spermicide either.

I think you're right that she may think "Let's have sex" is planned out like "Let's go to the movies on Saturday" or "Let's go to the prom in 2 months." It's good that you recognize that. At some point, making out with her boyfriend will feel better than the "heavy petting" incident with the prior boy, and her hormones and sex drive will kick in. It's good that she has a good set of "brakes" right now, but those may be set aside. It's great that you have the relationship you do with her, so you need to maintain that and honor it by emphasizing that she's in control of her body.

Does she have heavy periods or cramps that interfere with life? If so, there may be a medical, non-sex related reason for her to discuss the pill with a Gyn.

If not, I think Amanda M's response is perfect.

I disagree. You can't control whether or not she will have sex and when (and she can't plan it - even though she "thinks" she can). However, you can control whether or not you will be raising a baby with a baby. This fell under "my house, my rules." All 3 of my girls started on the depo shot when they were 15/16. Why? Because 30 seconds of poor judgment on their part, could completely change ALL of our lives. When they were 18 AND out of the house, they could decide on their own what to do about birth control. By the way, none of my girls were having sex when they started birth control. All 3 said they were going to "wait". All 3 had long term boyfriends and all 3 I know had sex by the time they were 18. All 3 also told me after the fact that it wasn't "planned" that they would have sex the 1st time they did, and all 3 thanked me for "making" them be on birth control and admitted that if I would have waited until THEY said they were ready for birth control, it would have been too late. Be a realist about this - I am guessing that since you were young (I was too, not throwing stones) you remember that it wasn't "planned" like you thought it was going to be. I also bet that although you love your daughter more than anything in the world, that you would have waited until you were older, more responsible, more financially stable, etc. I know I wish I would have.

Good luck!

ETA: As far as the "trust" issue goes, I look at it this way: my kids HATE wearing helmets when they ride bike or skateboard. However, I still make them - to keep them safe and to protect their future. They swear they've never fallen off, have good judgment not to get hurt, aren't going to make a mistake or have an accident. I still make them wear a helmet. Because I love them, because I care about them, because I care about their future. One accident or mistake (or a mistake by another person) could cause my child to have a head injury that could last them the rest of their life - could change their life forever. Isn't birth control the same thing? A protection against a life changing event? To help protect against "accidents" and "mistakes"? To help you help them protect their future? This isn't a trust issue.

I agree with others to not put her on it against her will. However, I do hope you have told her that when a relationship gets more serious and long-term, things can get out of hand quickly and go farther than either party wants. Please let her know that there's a chance she will feel like she's at that point to take it farther, but that birth control takes time to become effective. It would be difficult to be at that age, in a dedicated relationship and have to wait a month or longer for the birth control to start working.

It sounds like you two have a good relationship and try not to project your life experiences onto her. As parents, that can be difficult not to do.

Best of luck and keep the communication lines open! :)