How to Explain to My 3Yr Old That Grandma Is Dying, W/ Other Hard Circumstances

You need to stop explaining it and let her question. The problem when you explain is you don't know what her needs are so you add information that she didn't need and now confuses her.

You say she is intelligent then have faith in her ability to seek what she needs.

You are making connections that she may never make herself, the going to the hospital and not coming back. By doing that you are going to set her up for panic the next time you have to go to the hospital. By letter her question she will probably ask what is different, or just a simple, you are coming back right? Yup!

Adults don't think like kids, we need to always remember this, especially when we are trying to explain complex issues.

My father had to go to the hospital when my son was almost three. We were there visiting for Christmas. I think we took him to see his GF but he doesn't remember it and my father died 2 mths later without seeing him again. It really affected him. Whatever you do talk, talk, talk!
Have you ever read Heaven is For Real? Great adult level spiritual book about a 3-4 year olds near death experience. Very comforting and you could share parts of it with your daughter and your mom.

As a 45 year old breast cancer 'survivor' of exactly one year my heart is breaking for you. This is the real face of this disease-not a pink ribbon. As well as you think you are it can change in a heartbeat for ANY of us-no matter the stage This is the insidious nature of the disease. I wish that I had some advice for you-its heart wrenching to even think about explaining this to children. The website breastcancer.org has a wonderful forum community. There is a group for caretakers and loved ones that I suggest that you check out. You will gain some first hand advice as well as so much love and support. THere is also a stage 4 group for your mother.

Hi A.,

I am so very sorry for your situation.
I think you've gotten some good advice, and I especially appreciate Jo's suggestion of letting your daughter ask more than 'explaining'.

You asked about a book: I really think Bryan Mellonie's "Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children" would suit for a child your daughter's age. I would pre-read it first, and I know you say your daughter is reading on her own-- I would read this with her several times, and prepare to answer the questions which may come up as simply as possible. When my son was almost four, there was a death in our community of friends ( a baby died); this book helped a lot. The language is simple and repetitious and very peaceful. I liked this book because it doesn't tell the reader how to feel, it just explains that " there is a beginning and an ending for everything that is alive. There is living in between." Somehow, I believe it is in this book-ending of birth and death, making them matter of fact, and separating life as the 'in between' these two inevitables-- this is comforting. There is a lot of acceptance contained in this book.

My heart goes out to you.

I am very sorry you are all going through this!

She can likely know the difference that grandma's body is very sick, and not have that tied into you being in the hospital. Explain that some people go away to the hospital for minor sicknesses and to travel, and some people's bodies just get a lot sicker than others. So focus less on the hospital, and more on the type of illness.

I don't know if you are religious or not, so feel free to explain after death too in a way that is comforting to her. Whether you believe her spirit lives on so they can see each other again one day, or just the comfort of her memory remaining alive in your heart, children that young can understand and benefit from it.

A., I'm so very sorry for all that you have going on. Remember children this age do not need anticipatory grief work. Keep it simple. Your mom is very sick but still wants to hug you, see you etc. She may need to rest but she still loves you. Simple words about death in keeping with your faith if she asks. If not, don't feel the need to prepare her. A 3 year old won't process that way. Ask your hospice nurse for a social work referral for someone who works well with kids for AFTER you are dealing with your loss. Please get some support through a counselor or psychiatrist so you have someone to help share your burden. I'm so sorry you are facing this. Many blessings to you.

I'm so sorry.
I was is much the same situation with my son & his pap at that same age.
We told him from the beginning that his pap had cancer , which is very serious. We told him that the medicine for cancer would make him sicker, then hopefully better. When it spread to the liver, we told him that pap was even sicker, and the medicine didn't work and the doctors tried as hard as they could with all of the mess they had.
When pap stopped treatment we told him pap was going to die and go to heaven. We explained about the circle of a life: the beginning (my son), the middle (mom/dad) and the end (pap, from cancer and the very old from old age)
Just be totally honest. He will digest the info slowly and he will have questions.
Again--so sorry. :(

I am sorry for what you're going through.

I do think you're projecting too much. 3 year olds don't have the same thought processes or understand what an older child or adult would. Too much explaining & too many words will only confuse her & she will probably not absorb the conversation, anyway. I don't think a 3 year old should be concenred with death before it's even happened.

You've gotten some good suggestions here. Hang in there.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through :-(

The topic of death is very difficult for children. I agree with Jeni S. that you shouldn't try to "prepare" your 3y/o for that. Get her to see Grandma as much as possible (if that is possible).

I also agree with Jeni in that you should seek help in explaining the situation to your daughter after the fact. There are people who KNOW what to say and what not to say and can give you tips. The hospital would know who to talk to, or hospice. Find out if the hospital has a CHILD LIFE department or a CHILD LIFE SPECIALIST on staff and they can be an EXCELLENT resource for you and your child. Another place to ask for help might be the funeral home.

Good luck - and I wish you peace through this difficult time :-(

I don't have any advice or suggestions - just wanted to say how sorry I am about your mom. Your daughter will miss her terribly - this just seems like too much for one little girl! Again, I am very sorry.

Also, thanks to you, your daughter and your husband for the sacrifices you are making with your hubby being in the service. I salute you!

A.,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. There is nothing harder, than being an only child and having to deal with the death of a parent. I experienced this in 2001 and 2005 and I am still not over it. My youngest was 4 when my mom died and 8 when my dad die. Depending on your childs personality, there are different responses. Mine couldn't remember grandma's passing and had no thoughts on the subject. Do be honest with her. Give this website a look over and see if it will help.

http://www.healingcenterseattle.org/children/young-childr...

I wish you all the peace and strength at this most difficult time. My heart is with you.

I am so sorry about your mother's diagnosis. Jeni S. is right about not trying to "prepare" your daughter at this age. I was four when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, and I still remember being told by my mother about it. At that age, I had no idea what it meant, though I knew that my parents and older brother were very sad. It wasn't until she passed that I had any understanding of what was happening.
That said, I do think it is important to prepare your daughter for any changes in physical appearance your mother may go through. Near the end of her process, my grandmother looked significantly different, which was a little frightening for me. Using simple words like, "grandma is ill and might look like she doesn't feel very good," might help prepare your daughter for those changes.
Finally, like others have mentioned, you should consider talking with a social worker about the best way to reassure your daughter regarding your own illness and your husband's absence. They truly are experts in guiding families through these difficult times.
My thoughts are with you.