Needing Help and Suggestions on Explaining Death

Go to the hospice webpage. There is a section on talking to kids about death. It tells things that different ages might understand and it tells some things you should not say when telling them.

My daughter was 3 when my father in law passed away. We are Christians so we explaned it like this.

You know grandpawpaw was sick and God needed him to come on to be with him and his angels in heaven. He hated to leave you and wanted me to tell you he loved you so very much and will be watching over you every day. You will see him again one day.

Because we told her the truth it was much easier when she got older. We did have tears and moments where she really missed him. I think if you sugar coat the truth its easier for them to accept.

We also let her see him before he passed, he was on life support. She said her I love yous and so forth. We explaned the tubes as an astronot mask and when God was ready he would go up to heaven like an astronot does.

Good Luck, its never easy but they are more resliant than you think.

My grandmother passed away in March and we went through the same thing. I don't have any magical answer, just wanted you to know I'm sorry you're going through this. It's incredibly hard not knowing what to do or say as a parent in instances like these. I was very honest with my 4-year-old and we talked about grandma being very, very sick (and old), along with death, so she would be prepared. Just like you, I let her questions lead us through everything (and there were a TON!) before and after her death. We still talk about it quite often -- it was a big event in our life, but life brings families together and gives us teachable moments in trying times like this. Take care...

my mother died after a long illness She died in our home and he and I were holding her hands as she died. My son is not afraid of death. He understands it is the next stage and in our family we are clear on what we believe that stage to be so in spite of sadness he understands that the spirit lives on.

Find a way to impart your beliefs to you children, whatever they may be and use this moment in time to begin and to ensure they are never afraid of what comes next in life, even when it is the end of life.

My son was three when my husbands grandfather past and he went on hospice as well. We took our son over to see him before he was gone only for the benfit of the grandfather. We told him that he was sick and left it at that expecting more talking after the visit. He never asked anything and when he passed a few days later we simply told him he had gone to heaven and that seemed to be the perfect answer for our son. We opted not to take him to the funeral. I thought that might be a little much for a three year old to handle. But, all kids are different. I was really surprised he wasn't more curious, but I guess at that age it is all about the moment. Just tell them whats in your heart and what is on there level. My prayers are with your family at this time.

Get Maria Shriver's beautifully written book. It will help you.

Please - talk to them NOW!

Hi A.,
I would suggest you talk a bit about it before hand in a way they can understand. One thing to be careful of is that you want your boys to know that your grandfather is very old, much much older than them and much sicker than they have ever been. In fact grandpa is much much older than mommy or daddy too. You want them to feel like they are safe and that this is natural when you are very very old, but avoid them worrying about this happening to other people they love. When you get very old and sick ........... then allow your religious beliefs to come in. Not everyone has the same view so I would hesitate to counsel you there.

Don't over talk about it, but be open and honest in a simple way.
I am sorry for what you are going through. I send my warmest wishes for healing and wish you the best of luck.
Hope this helpled,
P.

Check with your Hospice chaplain. He/she should have some information about explaining death to children. My mil died when our son was 2 or 3 and my husband chose to take him to the funeral home after she died, just the two of them alone. He was very close to his granny. Let your heart lead you in what to tell them and when. There is also a very good book for chidren about death, it is "What about Heaven"
it is written by Maria Schriver. The illustrations are wonderful also.

Hi A.... No suggestions, as you have gotten great ones so far. Just sending love and prayers to you and your family during this time.

When my mom passed away a couple of years ago I discussed it with my children before she passed, however they were a little older (4,5,6 & 9). I told them that grandma's BODY was very sick and that she would be going to heaven soon. I compared it to taking off your clothes at the end of the day, when you die you don't need your body anymore so you take it off and your heart/mind/soul goes to heaven where you can watch over the ones still here on earth. They seemed to find the idea very comforting. Hope this helps you :) K.

My FIL just passed away a week ago. I have a 2YO and a 4YO. I just explained to the 4YO that pawpaw (who was in hospice for a week before passing away) was very sick, so sick that the hospital had to help him. Then as he got worse, my 4YO naturally kept asking if he was getting better. I said sorry, baby, no.

After he passed away, I explained that there are levels of sick: sick, very sick, very very sick.

Sick is when Mommy and Daddy or Dr. B (our pediatrician) can give you medicine and help you get better.

Very sick is when you have to go to the hospital and they will help you get better.

Very very sick is when you go live with God to help you feel better.

As adults, there's so many things that we want to try to explain, details, etc., but I felt this was the simplest explanation that didn't scare him.

Now he knows that he's feeling better, but in order to feel better, he must live with God. I explained that pawpaw is very happy and proud of him (my 4YO) every day.

My 2YO didn't understand any of that, but he was with us when we had the conversation about pawpaw.

I'm sorry about your grandfather. God be with you and your family.

Hi A.,
You didn't mention if you were religious or not but I'm going to answer this as if you are Christians so if you aren't stop reading now.

We just buried my brother yesterday. We debated on whether or not to take my 5 year old daughter and decided that we would because she needed to see the process and have a chance to talk about the event when it wasn't someone she was super close to.

We prepared her by telling her first that it was a very sad day for us and her grandparents. And that likely a lot of people would be crying because her Uncle had died and we must bury him.

She began asking questions from there. We told her that since his body was old and broken God told Uncle Dan that him he could move in with Him in Heaven and leave his broken body behind.

We tried to be very matter of fact and not give a lot of details but allowed her to ask the questions. We did prepare her a year or so ago by buying her a gold fish. When it died, we had a "funeral" and "burial" so she could see what that meant.

In a way, I think the practice run with the fish really helped her. I don't think she really comprehends it yet, but it helped.

Good Luck
D.

Bless your heart! My sister is a hospice nurse, and I believe that they are trained in this sort of thing. You should ask whatever nurse is assisting him for suggestions. Also, if he is in a hospice facility, a chaplain can provice great help. If you have a good pastor or children's minister at your church, that would be another resource, as is the public library. Books are a gentle way to share tough subjects. I work with kids this age, and you have to be careful not to use words like 'sleep' and so forth, because they will take each word you choose literally! You might think about making a memory album of special pictures which include your grandfather and your children at happy times, and use it to give words to their memories and feelings. It can be visited and added to from time to time. Also, don't be afraid to let them see you become sad--you will be teaching them that mourning the loss of a loved one is normal and okay.
Blessings on you and your family at this challenging time. I would recommend preparing them in advance, if there is still time. If they have been close to him, they should have a chance to say goodbye, which you could then remind them of later when they feel sad.
C. A

A book that we used for our 5 year old is Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs. It explains it in a way that makes a some sense to little kids. I'm not sure that at 3 you're going to get a lot of understanding. Death is a difficult concept.

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. This is a difficult time, but allow your children, family and friends to comfort you.
My husband's father and brother died within 1 month of each other, 3 years ago. His brother was living with us up to the last 10 days. My daughter was 7 and my boy/girl twins were 4 years old. We took them to see their grandfather until he was no longer recognzing people and we took them to see their uncle up to 4 days before he passed. They were aware that they were both ill. We talked openly with the 7 year old, but limited the conversation w/ the 4 year olds to the questions that they asked. After they passed away, we told the kids that they were now in heaven w/ God and their grandmother. Once again, we only answered questions that they asked.
We did not take them to the services, but we had a burial at a seperate time for immediate family only and they were present for the burial.
Once again, I am sorry for your difficult time and I hope that you will lean on the Lord during this time. I am praying for all of your family.

Hi A.,
I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather.

My daughter Cora was about 2 1/2 when one of her close friends passed away. The little girl was almost 2. I asked the elder's wife at my church similar questions to what you are asking. She said that my daughter will respond to death the way I respond to it. If I feel it is a natural part of life my daughter will feel the same way.

We went to visit the little girl in the hospital before she passed away. I explained to Cora her friend was very sick and we prayed every night for her. I took Cora to the funeral with the viewing after she passed away. I didn't bring her up to see the body. It was suggested that we not take her to the graveside burial because little kids will wonder how they can breathe under the ground or get out.

Almost a year later Cora still talks about her friend, she is just asking questions trying to work out what death means. They are healthy questions and she won't get the full impact for awhile. The suggestions I received were to be myself. Let your kids see your sadness and if you aren't afraid of death they won't see it as scary either.

I'll pray for you and your kids.
-T.

I used to work for a hospice facility and people always asked me, "How can you work there!" I told them that death is a part of life and we all know it is going to happen at some point. Why not make it as comfortable and "wonderful" as any other event in your life?
Your kids are very young, so it is hard to know how much info to give without knowing their maturity level, etc. My friend explained LOTS to her 3 year old about death and she seems to be fine with it. I think at 3 years old I would explain that "Grandfather has lived a wonderful live and has seen and done so many great things! He is getting ready to move on to the next stage of life. It is very normal for this to be happening. And although we will miss him, he will always be in our heart and memories." Then you can do things that will add to those memories. Taking pictures, drawing, making something special for grandpa, or spending time with him. Try to keep a positive look on your face. This will tell them that you accept what is happening and you are not afraid of it. This is a great teaching opportunity.
I know truly it is a difficult time for you all. Your family is in my thoughts and I wish you luck dealing with the whole experience. Take care, C.

My mother died 2 years ago and hospice was around. They actually had counselors for the us that were free. We had a lady that came to our house weekly and played games with my son who was 3.5 and very close to Nana. They read books and made things for her all the while teaching him about death. I did not take him to the service, I felt he was too young and it would involve more questions. Anyway you might want to ask the hospice people. I am sorry for what you are going through.