My daughter is now at the age that she is beginning to become defiant. While for the most part, she is a very well behaved child, but occasionally we run into issues where we need to discipline her. I have tried getting down to her level and sternly demanding her to stop whatever it is she's doing, and even attempted some time outs. She seems to think it's a game and laughs. I honestly don't think she understands when she is in trouble. Normally the best result is from taking her out of the situation and/or removing whatever is causing the problem or creating a distraction. I would like for her to learn what consequences are and I'm trying to lay a foundation of what is to be expected of her and what is expected of us.
Is it too early for me to expect her to understand these things? What has worked for some of you?
Thanks!
A friend of mine uses a time out mat, his son is a a year and a half. I think consistency will make the time out work. The beauty of a distinct time out mat is that you can take it with you (vacation, etc.) and if she's in trouble and needs a time out, you can tell her and she'll know what it mean to be sitting on that perticular mat. I think the tangiable association of a disctintive mat is what really seems to make it affective.
Totally normal behavior. I do think it is a bit early for you to expect her to learn consequences. Keep doing what you're doing. Remove her from the situation, distract her, tell her "we don't ___." and be consistent. I find that breaks work the best. Remove her from the situation, and move on to something else, sit down and just take a breather.
Personally, I think 1 is a little early for timeouts, but others swear by them. The usual rule is 1 minute per each year old. Some use the pack n play at a timeout place. We didn't because we still used the pack n play for travel until she turned 2, and didn't want her to associate it with being in trouble.
I know it's frustrating, but just stick to it, it's part of the age... and unfortunately, as a mom of a two year old, I can tell you it continues for a while.
Consistently, constantly redirect, redirect, redirect! Eventually they give up trying to ________ because they get that they aren't supposed to do that. Calmly, firmly say "no," and provide something else, a safer alternative. This also works with temper tantrums. My son can usually be redirected or distracted by smelling something (I have wrapped candles and wax discs he loves to sniff) or listening for something ("Did you hear that?!" - we live near train tracks and have a Harley rider next door).
I have also gotten a tip recently to say "that's not safe" when removing them from a situation. Don't burden them with details or scenarios ("You might fall", "Someone could take you", "You could burn yourself", etc.) because they might not believe you and may try harder to prove you wrong ("See, I didn't fall!"). By leaving it at "My job is to keep you safe" and "Your job is to help me keep you safe", by giving them a task to make them feel important, they are more likely to comply with your wishes.
My son is 19 months old and some days are sooo frusterating. They are simply too young to discipline... plus, it seems he hardly knows right from wrong. He is simply "exploring" and having fun with things. Redirect him and try to remain calm. You don't want to come across as this mean, demanding mom at such a young age. Hire a sitter and go out with hubby... to get away and reclaim your sanity!
it really is too early to expect her to understand discipline, you said yourself you're sure she doesn't. don't try to put on her what you should "expect", go with where she IS at right now. i reached a point at about a year too, where i was SO tired of "redirecting", and it seemed like there should be another option, but pretty soon she'll "get it", i promise. DO however, tell her "no!" in a stern voice, but other than that there's not much else you can do that she'll understand, so just redirect and redirect and redirect...lots of distractions! i think that this age might be harder than the two's (or i kinda think in some ways, it was for us), because now that my son is two he is actually able to play by himself a bit...at a year it's like you really have to watch them EVERY S.. believe it or not my son now does NOT play with electrical cords every time i turn around...it'll get better. just be sure not to start time outs until she understands that she has misbehaved. otherwise it won't do any good at all. good luck!
It sounds like your little one is almost exactly the same age as my precious grandson!! My experience as a mother, and the way that I see my daughter raising her son is that they are not going to understand the theory of correction or "time outs" at this age. The general idea is...redirect them to an activity that is fun and safe...distract them from what they are wanting to do that you don't want them doing. Their attention span is so short at this age that it won't take long for them to forget what it was that you were trying to get them away from.
I also think that they need to learn right now that Momma and Daddy are their source of love and encouragement, and "disciplining" them when they really aren't capable of understanding the reasoning behind it is not the best way to get that concept through to them.
Good luck!!
R. Ann
You are teaching her consequences and laying a foundation or what is expected. Removing her and/or removing the offending object is a consequence. I assume that it is a consequence of her behavior that you dissaprove of. Are you making it clear to her that her removal or removal of the object is a consequence of her actions? Example: If you don't stop beating that toy on the table top, I am going to take the toy away. Taking away the toy is the consequence of her continuing to hit it on the table top.
That's how we do it with our 21 month old and so far, it's working well. We haven't tried time-out because we haven't had to. Sometimes after I've told her I'll take the toy away or whatever, she'll continue to do whatever it is I want her to stop doing. As soon as I start to move towards her she'll take off running to her room. I just let her go. She always laughs as she's running off and that's okay with me. All I wanted was her to stop what she was doing and the goal was accomplished. If I can make myself happy and keep her happy all at the same time then its all good.
I don't get down to her level, but like you, I tell her in a serious manner to knock it off. I make sure she knows what she's doing wrong and why I want her to stop. I always make sure the consequence is realistic and understandable, and I always, without fail, follow through with whatever consequence is stated. So far, so good.
J., honestly? Not sure if a one year old is quite to the stage where they necesarily understand the concept of consequences, and your talking sternly to her is humorous to her for a good reason...time outs are supposed to only be a minute per age, and are not really considered age appropriate for a one year old, although I will say when my son is throwing a tantrum I will put him in the pack in play, more for a cooling off period and so that he doesn't hurt himself. Lots of people will tell you a swat on the bottom is the ultimate no no, but when it is your child and it is more a tap on the bottom or the hand it doesn't hurt them, it does get thier attention and may hurt their feelings. I can tell you from a professional level and as a mommy that at this age redirection is the best bet. If she is doing something that you don't like in a positive way get her interest in something else. Also don't make it a point to bring up the "no-nos" before she has had a chance to even be aware of them or you will effectively be calling attention to it, making it something that seems irresistable, for example, say you go visit someones house and they have a corner cabnit that has some nick nacks setting on it, don't look at the nick nacks and say "Now you stay away from those" pointing them out to her, because now it will be all she can think about = ) Hope that made some sense = ) Lots of luck...my youngest has been in this "stage" for a while now...we will hit the "Terrific Twos" in June....= )
B.
Yes, it's too early. You don't need to raise your voice either. Distraction or redirection is best at this age. Try reading Positive Discipline A-Z.
Hi J.,
I think you're on the right track with simply removing her from the situation.
You sound like you're going to be a consistent, teaching parent in terms of discipline, which tells me that waiting a few more months to begin time outs will not be detrimental to her understanding right from wrong.
:)
Angie
Clear boundaries. Do not talk or demand, you take away whatever it is you don't want them to have. You remove them from what it is you don't want them to do. The biggest thing is making sure when they are doing what you want you give her attention and praise her. The biggest problem I have seen is that the only way to always get attention is to do something bad. So when the child wants attention they do something bad. If they know doing good gets them attention they will do that. Personally I like to praise my kids rather than discipline.
As others have said, you are correct to remove, distract, or redirect a child at that age. But, it might help to understand why.
I provide brain integration therapy for children with specific learning difficulties and also spent many years developing early childhood enrichment programs. It might help you to understand that logic functions necessary for understanding things like punishment in a constructive way do not begin to function in most children until they are at least 3 y/o. At age 1, you are the discipline. You control the situations. In the beginning, it is more about how you want to discipline yourself as a parent. But, don't confuse the word discipline with the word punishment. Discipline simply means to act in a constructive and consistant manner.
You can begin teaching children to make choices at this age by offering her two options at a time. For example, if she wants to play with something that is not allowed and you tell her to simply stop, she is likely to respond defiently. But, if you offer her two other options and tell her she gets to choose one of them, then she gets to experience the benefits of making a choice. It is good to follow up by telling her she has made a good choice, whichever of the two options she has chosen. If she objects and wants to keep what is being denied her, you can gently, but consistantly, remind her that Mommy offers the choices and she gets to choose. Do not make the mistake of letting her think she can negotiate for more options.
Discipline as a parent simply means that you are consistant and that you draw clear boundaries. It doesn't mean punishment and it isn't about winning an argument with a 1 y/o (something many parents get sucked into). If you think more about how you want to be disciplined in how you encourage and guide your child than how to control the child, you will probably be more successful. As much as possible, have a plan for how you will respond to various situations and behaviors. If you want a book that will help you learn the language skills and strategies that I have always found to work best, you can read about them in The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov. Although you can find good deals for ordering books at DealOz.com, you can learn more about The Virtues Project at www.VirtuesProject.com.
Good Morning J.. Our DIL just recently told me she tried Time out for Zane (17m) Sat him on the couch and sat at the other end. If he moved or tried to get up she put him back. HE did not like it one little bit, but finally stayed there for his one minute. Each time she just put him back. Zane is our only gr child out of the 5 with a Terrible Temper. He does not like NO or Zane stop please. Even if I tell his big brother to stop or no he throws a fit. Nana is having a hard time dealing with his one...lol
When he throws himself on the floor and cries I step over him and walk away. He bonks his bean several times and cries louder. If I know he is not really hurt just mad I leave him to it. Getting no attention seems to make him stop sooner. If he doesn't want picked up or moved, he throws his head back, stiffens up and man that can hurt getting banged with that hard head of his. He caught my collar bone yesterday. WHAM! Most of the time he is a Sweet, just that temper has gotten to me. I used to have a timer but it got disassembled.. I need another one that is for sure.
All of the other gr kids learned time out soon and took it ok. They each have their own corner with their names in pencil there. The older two don't have time outs as much anymore. They are almost 10-9 so they just have Nana time when they need some correction.
It's hard to reason with a baby, but just keep trying J. one day both of us will relax and sigh. WOW finally they get it!!!
Have a Great weekend.
God Bless
K. Nana of 5
You'll want to keep in mind that impulse control doesn't develop until around age 3 (if ever!). There's a funny thing at this age where the parents have to make clear the idea of boundaries, what no means, etc, but at the same time we can't expect the little ones to act on that. It's just a matter of faith that it's getting through somehow.
In my experience, when my kids laugh at me, it's when I'm emotionally worked up and ready to lose control. It probably does look pretty funny. I take it as a sign that I need to redirect myself, to find alternative ways to deal with the situation.
Whatever your daughter is doing, chances are, she'll get tired of it and do something else in a few months.
You are way tooooo early with this. Redirecting at this age is the best thing to do.
Hi J.,
I think you would like Love and Logic teachings. I bet you can borrow from the library even.
We've had very good success with it.
Best of luck!
K.
My Opinion is that it is a little early for too much discipline. If she is in a situation she should not be in I would say the word no firmly but quietly and then remove her from the situation. When she is about two you could start a 2 minute time out. By then she should understand what no is and if she doesn't stop then take to time out.
