How to Deal with My Dad's Wife?

I think that we've got the same stepmom although I refer to her as the stepmonster or my dad's wife! She is wife #4, my mom being #1. I won't go into details on things that she's done, but my brother's family and me and my family refuse to have anything to do with her, period! She is just an awful person and my father has pretty much lost his family due to her. He's an only child so we are all the family he's got. My son is 30 months old and I think that he's seen my dad maybe 6 times in his life; he has no clue as to who he is when he does come around. I love my father too, but if he will allow her to treat us the way that she does, I don't have to subject myself of my family to it.

I saw that you stated that he's your only parent left and I'm so sorry to hear that, but you need to decide is the relationship that you have with him because of her worth it? You've just got to decide what's best for you. I know at first we told my dad that we want to have a relationship with him, but not if it includes having her too. We respect that he loves (at least we think he does, but don't know why) her, but we don't have to deal with her, nor will we. If he wants to see his grandkids (4 total), then he will do it on his own because they will not be taken anywhere she is and she is not welcome in any of our homes nor will we come to theirs if she is there.

If you ever need to vent, PM me and we can compare notes. Good luck in the decision that you make. I know that it's a hard, heart wrenching one.

~J.

Oh K.. This sounds awful. I'm so sorry. Yes, my sister-in-law is mean and hateful, so I have an idea of what you are going through. But here is the deal......you can't control your Dad or his decisions. But you can control what you are willing to take on. for example, when your Dad calls complaining.....you need to change those dynamics. Don't advise him. You can either quietly listen or change the subject all together. Tell him you have to go do something else and need to get off the phone. In this way you protect yourself. Your Dad will have to find a buddy to complain to or stop complaining after awhile. Whatever he decides......well, that's how he decides to live his life.

I know you don't want to lose your Dad, but I'm afraid you can't change him or his wife. Dad may come around, or he may not. In the meantime try to figure a way to see Dad without his wife. Distance yourself and plan in a way to protect yourself and your family. When you do have to be with her have a mantra ready, but avoid engaging in arguments.....it will only fuel the fire.

Oh yes, and if you get your Dad alone for a lunch or whatever you figure out......be sure to avoid engaging in the old dynamics of trying advise and rescue him, but DO tell him that you love him.

Best of luck!

Oh my gosh, what an evil woman. I am so sorry to hear about your dog and the hard time that you are having. If I were you I would just let your dad know how much you love him and how you want him to be happy, but you can no longer have a relationship with your step mom. I would explain that her behavior and attitude is disruptive to your family, and although he loves her (I assume) you cannot allow that negativity in your household anymore. You understand and respect that she is your wife, but please respect my wishes as your daughter and do not bring her to my home or carry on conversations about her.

I think that he could understand that, he can obviously see what a "very rough around the edges" kind of person that she is. I would just emphasis that you do not want this to destroy your relationship.

Good luck, and again so sorry to hear about your dog.

What a Bitch....I agree that u need to just tell hime that u luv him very much but that u can't deal with his wife! I wouldn't let my children be around a person that evil! You have alot on your plate...good luck!

You can only control you and your family, you can't control your dad or his decisions. He has chosen to stay in this relationship. And you can choose not to be a part of it. She is obviously a person you don't want in your life nor do you want your kids to pick up anything from her...so don't subject your family to her. I mean if she kills your dog and has that kind of response, I stay good ridance to bad rubish. Calmly explain to your dad how much you love and care about him, but his wife is not someone you want around you or your family. (You won't have to explain why, it's obvious.) She is no longer welcome in your home. You can let him know when there are get togethers, but if he insists they come together, then say I'll send you the pictures of the event. It's your home and you control who enters. Stand up for your mental well-being and be firm. You can meet your dad for lunch somewhere to have some nice time with him or talk on the phone. But you will not listen to him complain about his wife. That is what a counselor is for. Make your feelings very clear and tell him how upseting it is for you to be in that situation and you just won't do it anymore. Be firm. You and your family don't need to suffer because your dad has lost a backbone! And maybe when he sees how much he will miss because of his wife's actions, he will do something about it, either get themselves a counselor or kick her to the curb. I advise the same for your brothers.

My heart goes out to you K.. I can tell you love your father very much and I know you are hurting because of this woman he married. It sounds like you've been very tolerate of her and since she doesn't want to change you really have no other choice but to tell your dad she's not welcome at your house. I like Erica's advice as well as the others. I think you have to put your foot down when it comes to her, but let your father know he's always welcome and home much you LOVE him. Let him know you want to raise healthy kids and she is not the example you want your kids to see. She doesn't show respect to your father, to you, to your children. Your children are seeing first hand what an evil women she is and your father is accepting of this behavior. By you letting your dad know that her behavior isn't appropriate it shows your kids as well. You wouldn't stand for some girl or boy to treat your kids like this (when they start dating) this shows them that when they are ready, you want a person who will respect them as well as the family. It's not too much to ask for or get for that matter.
My parents are still married and I have a good MIL, so I've never been in your shoes. I just don't think it's healthy for your kids to see such bad behavior in an adult, not saying they would ever act like it, but I sure don't want them to think it's okay to be walked on by someone because they saw Grandpa.
Lastly, but very importantly, pray for her, God can change people, he really can. You don't have to have her around your family until she changes, but it sure won't hurt for you to pray for her.
I'm very sorry for your lost of your dog, they are members of the family too.
Take care,