How to Deal with a Non Existent Relationship with Dad

NO, don't just suck it up. You should never talk to that sack of pig poop ever again, V..

I am so sorry about your mother, but to be honest, your father treated you worse. At least your mother knew she wasn't cut out to be a mother. Your father wasn't cut out to be a father either. He's also a terrible boyfriend/spouse. And to treat you as if you, as a child, could have done anything about this woman cutting her wrists is just terrible of him. More than likely it is HIS fault that she did it. And he tried to make it yours.

He is still manipulating you and you need to stop letting him. If you cannot get angry at him in your mind and heart, you NEED to get help to GET angry about how this man has treated you. Instead of being afraid he'll die without you having a relationship, you need to understand that this man abused you and abandoned you. Why do you want a relationship with a person like that?

If you can't piece this out in your mind the way things really ARE, then you need to go get help. You cannot be the teenager in your heart and mind for the rest of your life, wanting daddy's love and approval. He put women and sex above his child. He doesn't deserve a relationship, especially the kind he wants with you. Stop letting him do this to you, over and over again.

I serious urge you to start with counseling. You've been terribly hurt and emotionally abused. I suggest that you need therapy to help you heal from this. My heart goes out to you.

I can't tell you what's best for you but I would tell him that I didn't want to talk with him until I'd done some more healing. I'd point blank tell him that you feel hurt and rejected; that he wasn't there for you when you needed him and that now you aren't ready to be there for him.

If he's agree to infrequent phone coversations because you've asked for them, know that he will never be emotionally available. Some people never are able to be close with someone else, even their children. The way he treated the girl friends and was totally unaware of your needs tells me he's someone like that.

Find a counselor. If you have insurance it may cover counseling. Call the insurance company and find out if it does and find out what sort of counseling it will cover. They may be able to tell you who to call for names and numbers. Or you can call your state's mental health registry. Your doctor may be able to give you suggestions of who to call.

Above all find a counselor/therapist and talk this thru.

I had a mostly distant emotional relationship with my father but our home was stable and I felt and knew I was loved. I went to counseling, starting with a psychiatrist when I was 30 or so, and was tremendously helped to learn ways to meet my emotional needs without trying to get them met with my father.

I continue to see a counselor when life gets tough. My cousin was terminally ill and I'm seeing one now.

After your SWH. I urge you even more to get started with counseling. I found counseling to be of so much help. Also, it gave me a feeling of being supported and cared for. The relationship with the counselor is professional but at the same time caring.

sweetheart you got the rawest of deals when it comes to parents. that is not your fault. it's NOT - not not not - on you to fix!

i had some family drama and at 23 i thought i should be "over it", i thought i should be mature enough to move on - it is HARD.

please please please talk to a counselor. it is one of the hardest things you may do, but if you can't afford it, find a church home and talk to someone there. this is so way beyond some random strangers giving you advice. but no. you don't need to feel responsible, inadequate, or guilty for ANY of this. he did this. your mom did this. YOU - did not. it will take a lot of talking to work this one out. (((hugs)))

eta, and i don't mean to be rude, but i can't imagine being a mother after being "raised" by your father and with your mother and step mother as examples. please get help if not for your sake, for you son's. we learn to be parents by example. not saying you don't adore that little boy, but doesn't he deserve a mom that has laid her demons to rest?

Your mother left you. Your father emotionally abandoned you to more or less take care of his emotional wreck of a wife. That wife was manipulative and treated you like dirt.

The adults were self-absorbed, damaged people who didn't do right by you at all as a kid.

The previous suggestion of counseling is the exact suggestion I would make. I feel like I have some qualification: I was abandoned before birth by my bio-dad as well, due to a mother who is, like yours, very mentally ill and unbearable to coexist with. He left his baby with this abusive, crazy woman because he simply didn't want to deal with her. I met my bio-dad when I was 14 and spent a lot of time wondering how to have a better relationship with him.

V., it took a LONG time in counseling- on my own--for me to get to the point that I wanted to address my issues with my bio dad. I did this when I was 35 and pregnant: we went to counseling together with my own counselor and he pretty much quasi-apologized for how he'd treated me (past and present) then threw up his hands and said that basically, what I get is what I get. It was very, very difficult. I began to see what a victim he saw himself to be. (One example: when they would come into town, I would actually want to know 'when' they might be coming by-- I have waited HOURS at times for them with no phone call--- he finds this 'controlling behavior' on my part.)

It's hard to do this work with a parent, if they are willing. It is indescribably hard and frustrating to hear a parent pawn their faults off on oneself in an attempt to protect themselves. Hard and pathetic at the same time. Very rejecting.

I love my dad. And you know, I now have pretty much ZERO expectations of him. That's what makes it work, frankly. I accept that he doesn't always have much to offer, that I am not a top-ranking priority, and that he's going to consistently disappoint me by still being late and not calling. That said, I also make my effort-- and ONLY the effort I want to make-- in continuing a relationship with him. This is mostly for my son's sake: I think it's important to him that I facilitate *their* relationship, which is by far easier for my dad than being in relationship with me. Kiddo needs a grandpa (and grandma-- my stepmom) whom he can see once in a while.

He's a 'weather talker' too, and so I do understand that frustration. You feel that there are real issues to talk about, and he's hiding behind so much nothing. I've come to realize that this comes from my father's cowardice and fear of being 'real' with me (as well as himself). I am imagining that is also a place that your dad is operating from. Leaving you to deal with a suicidal wife IS cowardly, V.. Something no healthy parent would ever, ever do to their kid. And my guess is that your dad, like mine, would rather not confront his own actions and deal with what went down. Just the sheer enormity of their neglectful inaction is more than they can admit to themselves.

What has happened through counseling is that I have stopped taking on/taking responsibility for my father's disconnection with me or with himself. For example: Sometimes they come into town and do not stop to see us. Three hours drive and no call, no stopping by. I have come to a place where I am no longer hurt by this but expect it as typical behavior from him. This is actually a VERY good place to be in.

Get some counseling and after a long time, then you can decide what exactly you want to do. I did choose the 'take the little he gives me' route, but only after I had worked for quite a while on rebuilding *me* and getting myself to a place where I was healthy enough to deal with the confrontation and rejection which my dad aimed at me during our process with the counselor. That time beforehand was like putting on armor. The blows still hurt, but much less than they would have before. My relationship with the counselor was a healthy one, so we already had a good background where I could go back to her on my own and bounce my impressions/interpretations back off of her and get some clarity. I had a very good counselor who made sure I wasn't further damaged in the process, which is why I do suggest developing your own therapeutic relationship with a counselor or therapist first before entertaining the idea of talking to Dad, if you do. In the meantime, yes, lower your expectations and be glad you have the wisdom to know that he doesn't have much-- if anything-- to offer you. You can also be angry, but DO be glad. Now you know, and after a lifetime of trying to paddle upstream in the relationship, you can rest for a while. You can only be responsible for yourself. Best wishes. It's hard, but if you can invest in yourself, your other relationships and self-perceptions will be so much the better for it.

I totally understand. I have been where you are. Horrible, jealous stepmother and dad that catered to her every whim. After years of disappointment, I let go of him when I was about 27 years old after he didn't bother to show up for my wedding. I decided right then that I didn't have to put up with it anymore. I was tired of being disappointed and really tired of my childish stepmother. I told him how I felt and let it go. We haven't spoken in 12 years.
At first I was hurt and sad- felt abandoned. All of these feelings were nothing new. I was angry that he could just dump me like that. But after some time had passed, I realized that I couldn't do anything about him. He is who he is. And I don't have to subject myself to that kind of treatment anymore. Now, after 12 years, I feel nothing for him at all. I've come to terms that he is just not a very good person, and that's not my fault. I wouldn't let anyone else treat me this way- why should I let him?
Anyway, my advice is to tell him how you feel, and be prepared to cut ties. Tell him, and then leave the ball in his court. If he comes around, great. If not, then how is your life going to be any different than it is now?
Hope this helps. Take care and be strong.

I say get yourself in a place to be the best mom to your son and learn from the experience. Whether that be counseling or even an alanon group (yep I said it, think it might help) .You can't change your dad but you can use the situation to make yourself better and stronger. Take what you get and move on. You can write a note and let him know how you feel just because it may feel good to get it out, but keep your expectations low.

You have abandonment issues that you need to work out with a counselor or therapist.
You want your Dad to be the kind of Dad your deserve/always wanted and he can't/won't do it.
Trying to have a relationship with him is beating a dead horse and it's hurting you so let it go.
You are going to have to boot strap yourself emotionally and that's not easy to do but some people manage it and can put this behind them.
Get some counseling and you will eventually feel better.

Therapy.

Please get some.

Nothing your dad says to you is going to erase the past, and your sorrow for the past will not, unfortunately change your dad into the dad you've always wanted.

Therapy will help you to mourn the past in a healthy way, and then move forward in forgiving him so you can live happily.

I think it continues to be hard because you still talk with him about trivial things that don't matter. He continues to open the wound of your hurt feelings. I would recommend counseling to help you move on and decide if you need to cut ties all together. You are still young and deserve some help in getting closure (you are grieving a lost/nonexistent relationship).

Also, consider writing separate letters to you father and stepmother. You never have to send them if you don't want to. Pour out your feelings, wishes and hopes. Re- read it in a day or two--add to it or revise it as you are feeling that day. Seal them and decide if you will mail them or not. The writing of the letters is cathartic.

Your father may not be willing or able to give you what most of us want from a father. Working thru this in counseling will help you decide if it is more damaging to you to stay for what little he has to offer.

Be well and focus on being a great mom.

(sigh) my heart goes out to you. It's time to cut loose. It's time for you to move forward & create a better Life for yourself & your son. You have experienced the worst, & now it's time for the good in the world.

& there is good in the world. Find a good counselor, a good church, & some good friends. Each or all of these will help you lead a stronger & more peaceful life. Please do this for yourself, for your son, & for your future. To continue to battle & live under this cloud....just isn't the best for you. By working toward a brighter future, you will be amazed at how much happier you'll be! I wish you Peace.

I do not have this type of relationship with my dad but I do with my mom. We fought all the time when I was younger, I left home at 18 and may have done it younger if I would of had the means too. She always did for her friends daughters and my brother and never and still does not do for me. I was supposed to go off to college right after high school but because of a fight she would not sign any papers needed so I left. I am 30 years old now, and 6 years ago finally let go of the thought of having a relationship with her.
As others have said you should go to counseling to help deal with you depression. I took my frustrations out by writing my mother a letter and telling her how I felt. She didn't listen but I know that I was heard and it made me feel better and realize that fighting for a parents love is not worth the stress on yourself and your kids.
Take care of yourself and your son and if you feel that you can handle the every couple months talks then you do it for you.

I did have some issues with my Dad, but nothing quite as challenging as you had. Your father did not protect you properly and that is hard to get past.

I will tell you the epiphany that did finally help me accept my Dad and love him just the way he is. I came to realize he did not have, nor was he capable of the consciousness to be the Dad I wanted him to be. He therefore could not be that person. Once I realized he really didn't have the capability to be a different person I started seeing him for his wonderful attributes. I focused on those things and one thing I realized was that he loved me. He loved me very much, but he was never going to love me exactly the way I wanted him to.

Now you've got some tough stuff to deal with. Some things that would be hard to forgive, but if you can and you can accept your Dad and what he is capable of offering you that could go a long way in your personal peace.

You are a strong woman that protected herself. Be proud of that and try to focus on that your Dad does love you. I believe that and I think you do to, but he has no consciousness as to what he has done to you in the past and he probably never will. He isn't evolved enough to get it. You wouldn't blame a child for not being able to understand something their brain hasn't developed enough for. Your Dad sounds like he has developed as much as he is able.
I am sorry for that, but if you can accept it then you will be able to move on and maintain a relationship. Just not the one you had hoped for.

My twin sister and I had a similar experience with my Dad, though not to the extent of your relationship. His second wife left him because she was jealous of us kids (we were about 14), and she was used to being the baby of the family and given everything and anything. Then my Dad married (3rd time) his middle school girlfriend after they were reunited at a reunion. I think he was so afraid of being alone that he put everything into her and pretty much pushed us to the curb. He moved in with her and her kids and forced us to fend for ourselves.

My sister and I were both straight-A, good kids. We had just started college (paying for it ourselves, that's a whole other story) and worked full-time. Living at home was an arrangement we had made before she ever came along, and he never seemed to care. They finally decided to marry and took her three boys on a honeymoon to Hawaii, and sister and I were not welcome. After a big falling out about claiming dependency on taxes, we cut ties with him for several years.

He was focused on his needs and apparently decided that 18 was the magic age to push his kids out of his life. My Dad is a good man, but I am still angered and hurt by how we were so easily brushed aside. We re-initiated contact in our early 20's but it has since been a very cautionary relationship on our part. We have zero expectations.

As a Mom, I can tell you that I would never ever pick my own happiness over my kids' happiness. To me that is unfathomable. I always wished he'd stuck by us instead of pushing us away, but I guess that's what he thought was best so that he didn't end up alone.

In your situation, I would urge you to write your father a letter, similar to what you wrote above and let him know how much he has hurt you. Be sure to give him parameters regarding whether or not you want to re-establish a relationship or not. At the very least, you can say what you need to say and let him show you that he is a better man now (if that's the case). But I would leave expectations at the door. He has set the boundaries and rules of communication in the past, but it is up to you to do so from this point forward. Wishing you only the best.

It sounds like your dad picks women that have pycological issues. I think it would be good for you to see a councilor about abandonment issues. All of what happend to you was not your fault but they continually try to make you feel it is. If you get consiling they may be able to help you learn to deal with what they've done to you. My heart goes out to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is horrible! BUT....it's not your fault!! Never was; never will be!! Your father is the one that made very bad decisions; a lot of them!!

First, I would try and get some counseling - if you can't afford it, try your church or look on the website for the county you live in.

Second, I would write him a letter explaining all your feelings and how he hurt you. Whether you mail it or not, trust me, it will make you feel better! Sit on it for a few days, then decide if you want to mail it. Personally, I would!!

I can't even imagine not having a relationship with my Daddy or my Mom!! They're both gone now and I miss them but I am comforted by the fact that I know they felt loved by me and my siblings.

Good luck!!