Question About Step Son

My daughter is going through a similar stage like this with her step dad. I have simply sat her down and told her she doesn't have to love him but she does have to show him respect. I told her that this is a family and when one of the family members is not being helpful and is being mean it brings down the whole family. Family is team work. We all have to work together to keep the family together. I told her if she is mad at her dad that it isn't step dads fault and she has no reason to take things out on him when it isn't in his control. I talked to her about learning how to direct her feelings at the people they need to be directed at instead of everyone in her path.
His dad needs to do the same. Let his son know that things will not go back to the way they were. They just didn't work out but everyone in his life loves him and that will never change. Maybe individual and family counseling will help as well. But dad has to be supportive to his son but he has to let his son know that the way he treats you is unacceptable.

I did it to my son and he hated my hubby until he was 18. We got married when he was 4.
Do not discipine him in front of the father, and dad needs to step up everytime and let the boy know that he needs to respect your wishes.
Dad does need to talk to him, let him know that he is still "king" in his life. THe poor child has had his whole world turned upside down. What he sees is Dad's new family and no room for him.

Suggest, in front of the boy, that he and Dad go see the new Tron movie, or Narnia, or whatever is coming out this weekend.
Have the guys go bowling, skating, out for icecream(OK in the summer, it's too cold in IA now), Dad needs to lavish some attention on him. Dad needs to be excited and say Aw Cool Let's go see Transformers or whatever floats the boy's boat.
Your job is to love Dad. Be fair with the boy and love him. Make special things that he likes for dinner. Give him genuine praise.

Dad also needs to tell the boy that liking you is not giving up his mom. Sometimes kids feel if they like the new step parent then they are betraying the bio mom or dad. He needs to know it is OK to like you, he doesn't have to but it is allowed.
Decisions why he can or can't do something need to come out of dad's mouth, and there needs to be a reason that does not involve you.

Do not make him the babysitter for your youngest, get a sitter for them and take the boy with you or have him go to a friend's, at least twice a month.
Do not undermine Dad, I know you don't, but by my hubby undermining everything I said it turned my son against both of us.

The child feels lost. He has lost his dad, there's a new mom, now there's new babies, hes' a lost little man. He's lashing out on the one person who did this to him, and that is you.
I'm sorry. We've been there. My son actually picked up his half-sister, he was 10, she was 3, and hurled her across the room, I was nursing the other baby. Talk about an angry child.

Funny that sounded like my biological son. The second one. And he did a lot of similar things. OUch. Anyway, it's not your fault and you just lay it out on the plate for him how you feel even if he doesn't listen. And then you do it again. Being a step-parent is hard. Real hard. And yet here is a surprise, your hard work whether or not you think so is paying off. He is ten also, the age when they also start getting ornery anyway and sometimes don't like a lot of people.
I remarried when he was three (back to me, sorry) and step-dad was in the picture for many years (he is now almost twenty one) and he left not long ago, then sent a text out of the blue, thanking my husband for teaching him and guiding him and for helping him to remember a key in his wallet! ok, sounds little, but it was BIG. And there are other things, but you may not see that unfolding. As of now. Take care of yourself, the things and people you love and understand that you have done nothing wrong other than becoming his step-mother (and perhaps he is really more angry at his real mom than you and punishes you because he is truly comfortable enough and sure of your love that he can do that). You are right to let him know, as you did, that YOU and Dad are not going anywhere. I suppose that sounds hard, but you took on the incredible task of loving and parenting a child whom you did not bear and somewhere inside of him I have a hunch he really knows it and loves you back. He simply doesn't want to betray the mother that appears to have abandoned him. Wish I could give you a hug. You are doing a great job.

He doesn't have to love you, but he has to respect you and follow house rules that are applied equally to all.
You, however, DO have to love him because you chose his dad and this marriage. And he is part of the deal. Don't make dad "side with" you. Recipe for disaster.

Make sure that since he is significantly older than the 3,2, and 1 yo, that he's not the "worker bee". Assign him a few chores and make it stick--better--make DAD make it stick.

Sounds like he's going thru a rough time and taking it out on you. Maybe he was better before you had the three little ones? You were his step mom before you were their mother and now you keep getting busier and busier with more and more little children. Like all kids he is jealous. He is still a child and not thinking logically, he is looking, searching, TRYING to find proof that you love the other kids more than you love him or don't and he will find this in any crazy way because of course you are not treating him as a toddler. For instance you cant possibly be asking the 1, 2 and 3 yr old to help around the house so he prob sees it as just making the step kid help, not your own kids. (dont expect logic till he's 25!)
You used to bathe him and sit him on your lap for stories, now the little kids get this of course he doesn't want that but some proof that you love him as much as them. Maybe the two of you could go bowling or minigolf or something without the little kids. I know you're busy and he is a pain but take the time now before he is an angry teen using alcohol, drugs etc to deal with his anger! Just imagine how it will be in a few years the way things are going! Insist he go somewhere with you saying I'm only taking MY big kid this time. Dont expect it to be easy the first few times, he will continue to be a pain. Remind him he was your first child and you still want time with him. All kids go through a period where they are a big pain to be around, but when it is a step parent step child it is even harder.
I'm not saying you dont love him, but that he could be constantly comparing and contrasting, and they are so little, they get gentle discipline and redirection, he is old enough to know better so he is treated differently which in his eyes equals = loved less. The more a kid feels he may not be welcome you more he is a pain to see if he will be sent away. Please keep trying. You all need to go back to counseling, sounds like the last counselor didn't work out and you need to find a new one.
My daughter when she was 17,18 told us how hurt she'd been growing up that her father wasnt more involved in her life and instead of taking it out on him (I think she wanted to treasure what little time they had together) she took it out on her step father. I was divorced when she was almost 2, remarried when she was 4. I think this is typical, kids feel very strongly about loving their bio parents even abusive parents are loved by their kids. It's common for kids to put their anger elsewhere. So he could be angry over something else and take it out on you. Could be problems at his mom's house.
Also, remember his father should be the disciplinarian not you. Make sure your hubby steps up to the plate so you dont have to. Make your hubby explain the rules and the consequenses.

I would suggest a two part solution:

Part one - a family meeting (broken into two sections, one with you, Dad and SS and one with all the kids). When it's just you, your H. and SS, talk to him about your feelings and hear his.

Ex: He can voice is big feelings. You can let him know, "I understand you are hurt/angry/frustrated/feeling displaced/etc. I feel hurt by your words and actions towards me. I love you though and we will work through this as a family."

Afterwards, when all children are present, set ground rules and expectations. Make sure they clearly stated and written down. This would include behavior and chores for all the kiddos. For example:

We don't yell/we use respectful tone of voice indoors
We use respectful language and "I feel" statements
We listen to one another
We are kind to one another's personal space and bodies (no hitting, kicking, etc.)
Etc.

Also, allow him/them to understand the discipline that they can expect when they break the rules.

10 y/o chores (ex. clearing and setting table, clearing personal toys and objects, sweeping the kitchen, feeding the dog, homework, taking out recycling, etc.)
3 y/o chores (ex. clearing personal toys, giving dog water, helping put dishes into dishwasher, mixing the salad, etc.)
2 y/o chores (ex. clearing toys, wiping down the table, brushing teeth, etc.)
1 y/o (being a baby)

Consequence for not completing tasks.

Part two:
Dad takes SS once every X amount of time on a special date (ex. once a month Dad and him go fishing, hiking, biking, something where one on one time is spent with each other.)

Once every X amount of time you and SS go on a special date (ex. fishing, hiking, to the zoo, etc. Again, this is a chance for the two of you to spend positive, alone time with each other)

This isn't a reward for his behavior, but a chance for the two of you to spend quality time and for him to feel special and recognized. It can't be easy being the eldest of four siblings when the other three are so young and are at an age where their needs are a priority.

~~When my niece came to live with us (much younger than your SS) she often stated, "I don't like Uncle ____", my husband. He began taking her on special "big kid" dates. They'd go look at boats on the dock, take a ride in the truck, practice riding bikes or hang Christmas lights. Like magic, her fits began to decrease, her relationship with him became stronger and her relationship with our daughter became less challenging. She is a kid, so her language rough and "mean", but her emotions very real. For him to give her visible special time and love helped her feel like she has a place in our family and that she is accepted and loved regardless of her internal chaos.

Now, like a said, she's a lot younger, but I think regardless of age, children are still building their verbal and emotional skills. Giving a child emotional safety allows them a better foundation for building and expanding on their "tools". It sounds like you have been doing a lot to act lovingly and create that space. I'm sure you all will get through this time. Good luck.

This type of behavior doesn't just happen with step children...it can happen with your biological children too. Some of it is probably coming from the biological Mom ( my step son used to come home from his visits with his Mom saying that if I would just go away he and his Momma and Daddy could "be a family again"...wonder where he got THAT!!!). The other Mama's have given you some great ideas...you need to allow him to "feel his feelings"....you can't "force" him to love you....but you need to always always love him...no matter how he acts. Use these times as teachable moments....acknowledge his feelings ... "I understand how frustrated and angry you feel...it is hard being the big brother to 3 little ones...and I know that you are not happy all of the time...what do you think would help you feel better about things?"
Let Dad have some really special alone time with him...something that you and the other children are not involved in...something that is just for THEM....and I like the idea of the two of you doing something special together....something that the two of you can enjoy and build memories with.
Treat him just like he were your own biological child going through these upheaval of feelings and "growing pains"...it is good "practice" for when your younger ones go through it in a few years!!
And take heart...my step son, who is now in his 40's and a father and grandfather himself...loves me just as if I were his own Mom...it can work out well...it just takes patience, perserverance and love on your part!!!
Good luck to you

I think there is a lot more going on here than meets the eye. I would talk to his pediatrician/doctor about getting professional help in the form of therapy. If you are concerned about the costs you could try talking to his school counselor. Obviously you are not the root cause of all his problems but he has been doing this for so long that it seems to be the only way for him to cope with disappointments. When my son was 5 he started blaming everyone else whenever anything went wrong. He would not hold himself accountable or except any responsibility for his actions. A child psychologist told us to stop arguing with him, to start ignoring his excuses and instead validate what was really going on. For example, when he would stub his toe and insists it was his sisters fault for standing in his way we would say "I bet your toe really hurts, next time you will have to be more careful and watch were you are walking." If he would get in trouble at school he would blame other kids by saying they lied about him. We would respond with "That's too bad you didn't get a sticker on your chart today, you will have to try harder tomorrow." By doing that we were validating his feelings but still making him take responsibility. Sometimes we would have to repeat ourselves several times and maybe give him a hug or a kiss. The main thing is to stay calm and to not get into an argument (don't say anything about him lying or that it is nobody's fault but his own because then he will draw you into an argument).
Just one other thing I couldn't help but noticing...including your stepson you have 4 children...why is your profile name Momof3?

Speaking as a child of divorce, I'm sure he feels in the middle between his mom's family and yours...and maybe gets the feeling (from his mom) that he's betraying her if he likes you. And I'm sure it's hard for him that you and his dad now have three kids together. He just feels out of place...not sure where he fits in. You need to open a door to him...write him a card and tell him that even though you two don't always get along, that you really love him and want him to be happy. Make sure his dad gets to spend one-on-one time together - maybe dinner out just the two of them once a week or something. I do think he will come around in time. Good luck...I'll be thinking of you!

Sandy L's answer was great. Seriously, 3 new infants in 3 years is a crazy amount of changes for an adult - can you imagine how a step-child that young must be feeling about his place in the family? He may be afraid that he could lose his father now that Dad has a "new" family, because he already "lost" his bio-mom. In his life, relationships like this are stable. If you can get into family therapy to help him realize the stability that he has, that would probably help. He's also starting to go through puberty (which I call reverse-menopause) which is knocking the heck out of his hormones.

I wish you all the best - it sounds like you are doing many right things, but there's a lot going on and professional help may be the best thing to do at this point.

I am sorry you are going through this, but nowhere in your post did you say anything about what his bio-parents are doing to help remedy the situation. Really, they (both Mom and Dad) need to be talking with him and supporting you, making it clear that he needs to respect you and try to accept you are part of the family. THEY (especially your husband) need to be backing you up on this. He has every right to FEEL however he feels, and it's hard when he really did not have any say in what happened but has to deal with what happens afterwords, but that is still no excuse to be rude and disrespectful. He might be doing it on purpose in the hope that you will get fed up and leave, and he might be in the early stages of puberty, which will just make things that much more challenging. It needs to be made clear to him that you are not going anywhere and he needs to be getting the same message from all the adults in his life.

It seems strange to me that you have been in his life since he was 3 but he thinks things need to be the way they were before his dad met you - how does he know what things were like back then? Is he fantasizing about his parents getting back together? I've been involved with my stepsons since they were 6 and 7 and they have NEVER talked to me this way! And if they did, their dad, AND their mom, would never stand for it! His dad needs to have a talk with him alone and let him know that you all love him very much, but he needs to respect you as his father's wife. You also should all have a family meeting together and try to discuss what your expectations all are as far as his behavior and attitude. If that is not possible or things continue to be a problem, I would consider professional help and get some family counseling for all of you. I know you posted once before that you tried and it did not seem to help, but then I would go see someone else if you felt whomever you saw before wasn't helpful. Your stepson could probably benefit from individual counseling as well, but it still comes down to both his parents and you all being on the same page.

EDITED TO ADD: I missed the part about you having 3 more kids, all 3 and under - sorry that I missed that! I would agree with some others on here that he is probably feeling pretty displaced with all the changes in a relatively short period of time - maybe some one-on-one time with Dad, as well as with you, is in order, in addition to what I've suggested already.

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