How to Deal with a Friends Divorce

I think you should stay out of it for the meantime. Let her have her space. Sometimes when people go through obstacles like this, it's hard for them to concentrate on anything else. I bet she's going through a lot too and she's probably questioning what's best for her kids right now. The most you can do is let her know that you're there for her as a friend, but i wouldn't spend too much time worrying about what's going to happen.

I wouldn't overcompensate for the kids, they will pick up on that and wonder why. Don't talk to your husband or anyone about the divorce in front of the kids. They will hear you and maybe even tell your friends children what they've heard. It is her situation and unless she asks for help, she needs to go it on her own. It's tough, I'm the type that wants to help everyone, but backed off when a friend went thru this. Right now she isn't herself, and after the divorce you can lend a bigger hand helping her readjust. good luck!

How old are all of the kids involved? In any case, you must make sure that your kids aren't feeling overwhelmed or questioning their own family unit..Sometimes kids may feel that they too are going through the same thing, even though they aren't the ones actually going through, and brings a lot of confusion...As far as your friend and her kids go, you probably should stay out of the whole process, as it could really go somewhere that you aren't prepared for..I know that it is difficult to not get involved, but becomming overly involved people tend to personalize and become subject to a lot of unnecessary pain..

Hi M. - Tough spot!

Just a quick note - to take a page from Dr. Joy Brown' book.... Tell each of these parents that you will talk with them about ANYTHING BUT their divorce or the other person. Period.

If they start, just remind them of this. If not, then this becomes all about THEM and their kids - who should come first. Let them get support for that elsewhere - like their counselor.

Hi M.,

Well first off you unfortunately can not control the situation as far as how their divorce will go and what they'll do in the process. You can just reassure your love and support during this time. You can also explain to your children in the best way they can understand what is going on and reassure them that everything will be OK.

Lastly, it's great that your kids and their kids play together, but again, there are limitations to have much you should get involved. You could try talking to your friend and let him/her know that they shouldn't put the kids in the middle as it's very damaging to them or just reassure their children how much they are loved by both parents. Good Luck

Hi M.,
Divorce is never easy or nice. I divorced over 11 years ago and at times it is still hard. Sometimes, the parents become very childish and use the children to hurt each other. The best thing you can do is tell the parents you won't get in the middle and don't ask. If the children bring it up tell them that yours is a free home and that the topic will not be brought up. You can offer to listen if you feel comfortable to the kids, but don't offer them he is better or she is better, just give them a safe place to be and talk. As to your own children, explain what divorce is and how much you and your husband love them and tell them how sorry you are that their friends are in pain....

Stay out of it!! Tell them both that you love them, but do not want to be made to feel like you have to take sides. If you want to remain friends with both of them you cannot get caught up in their hateful remarks of each other. You can support both of them by being honest with them about how you feel. Good things to say when they are spouting off about each other would be, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I know you just want to vent, but it makes me uncomfortable," or "I wish I could make everything better for you, but I can't, this is between the two of you." As far as the kids go, they will need someone they can talk to and feel safe with, you can be that as long as you do not step over any boundaries. When they are using the kids as pawns, maybe ask them if they would like you to take the kids until they cool down. Be honest with your friends, tell them your concerns..in a gentle, nice way. They are both reactive right now due to the situation. Talk to your kids about this too, tell them what is going on and if they have questions to ask.

I suppose you could invite your friends children over to your house to play with your children and make a rule that there will be no discussion of mommy and daddy. Also you can make it known to your friends that you think the children need space from what is going on at home and declare your house neutral. If your friends can't see that your trying to do the best for their children I'm not sure what else to do.
D.

My experience is children just need to feel safe and know they are loved. I am not divorced, neither are most of my friend, and my daughters are not exposed to that much. When friends at school have been going through it, I've explained to my kids that the Mom and Dad still love the kids very much, but they are having a hard time getting along and feel like they need to be apart from eachother. If they are behaving badly I tell them when people feelings are hurt, even adults, they can make poor decisions about how they act, but we can't decide if it's right or wrong, because it's not us. I also never force them to go over if they are uncomfortable, especially if there is alot of tension. My kids are sponges for that at it sets them on edge. I have the other children over as much as I can to give the others a break and to protect my own at the same time.. It's so hard not to choose sides, especially if you were closer to one to begin with, but every story has two sides to it. It'll help all the kids involved if you stay as neutral and calm as possible! keeping your rules and routines the same will help them have a little stability and perhaps they'll be able to open up to you if they need a safe adult!