How to Deal with a Extended Family

I personally would go talk to the mother-in-law face to face. I wouldnt call and have her expecting you either because you may find resistance on her end. It sounds like she is being childish, which may be why her son acts like such a baby, but you both are adults and can sit down and hash it out woman to woman.

Hi, S..

I really like Sherri G. and Suzi L.'s advice. I, too, am the mother of an only daughter. She met a boy when she was 14 and he was 13. He had a terrible home life. They decided to have a baby so he would have a family! Their son was born when she was 16 and he was 15. I as the adult knew this was going to be a very difficult decision for them. I have been as supportive emotionally and lovingly as I can without doing it for them. Yes, they lived with me. When his mother found out that he was not going to give her his paycheck any longer (he worked at McDonald's) and he had two younger brothers he had been taking care of, she packed up and moved one day while he was at my house!

I took him into my home and began to practice the values with him that I did with my daughter. Our children don't always agree with our decisions, but then again, they aren't adults with experience, are they? We know better and we must do the right thing and set a good example...even if our kids say the "I hate you thing." Do the right thing, S., and love them the best you can without doing everything FOR them. His mother may give them things or do things for them, but she will be hurting them in the long run if she does not let them gain experiences. I wanted so badly to raise my grandson myself. But I knew I couldn't. I sat the kids down and told them, "You are the mom and You are the dad. I am the grandma. You will take care of your son. You will be the ones to feed him, bathe him, change his diapers and get up with him in the middle of the night"...and they did! That's not to say that I didn't occasionally do those things for my grandson also...that was a perk. I told them I was not a built-in babysitter. You are young, but you've made a choice to be a parent. You want to be treated like an adult, you will learn to act like an adult. This was not being mean to them, S.. This was making them take responsibility for their actions, while at all times thinking of their son's needs first. I must tell you, I have two great kids now. It's still difficult sometimes, that's how life is. They still have their problems...but don't we all? Life is a series learning experiences!

Okay, now for the most difficult time....When they were 18, their son was struck and killed by a car. Their whole world (and mine and my husband's) was shattered. Their son, our beautiful grandson was the light of our lives. We never imagined anything would happen to our loving little boy. The kids were going to school together and their son went also. There was a program (since shut down by the Bush admin) that allowed young parents with children to attend school to finish their high school diploma and their son had his own classroom. After their son died, the kids' heart just wasn't in attending that school. Every day was a reminder that he was gone when the other young parents were allowed to spend time with their babies.

After their son was born in 2000, our daughter had severe female problems and was told that she would probably never have more children. Their son died in 2002.

It is now six years after their son's death, and they are now 24-years-old. In may of this year she delivered their second son! He is now almost 4-months-old, and we are so blessed.

They tell us how glad they are that they were taught to parent their first son. My daughter said, "I would have missed being his mommy and that would have been the worst thing to deal with now, Mom."

So you see, S., it has been ten years of working with these "kids" to help them do the right thing. I'll tell you though, it has not always been easy. We have had to work through alot of life experiences. But they've been taught that although something may be hard, you can get through it if you do the right thing. You may not get the benefits right away, but it will always be the best thing to do.

Love those "kids" anyway, S.. It doesn't matter what the mother-in-law thinks, says or does. If she's not doing the right thing for them, it will show. You just be the best mom and grandma you can be. Teach them that nothing comes easy...because if it does, you won't appreciate it....just like pregnancy and labor....it hurts and lasts a long time. But look at the awesome benefit in the end!

Sorry this is so long and thank you for your time. I wish you all the best and congratulations on that new grandbaby coming. I'm enjoying this grandson as much as my first one. By the way, the "kids" have lived on their own since they were 18.

C.

The best things you can do is try not to be drawn into argumentative conversations. Don't say anything negative about his family. Offer any help that you can legitimately help with. Tell them repeatedly how eager you are to be a grandmother.

How does your daughter feel about your relationship with her? I know what it's like when they move out young and have "issues" with us. I am convinced that they need to build things up in their minds to almost hate us in order to leave. Leaving early if everything is hunky dori would be too hard for them.

My oldest daughter is finally coming around and we are spending time together. We are finding common ground and she understands us more than she did for a long time. But she's almost 24 and left at 17 and a half! It's taken a considerable amount of time.

There were many times where I had to gently tell her she was loved and part of the family and I wouldn't push her. I told her many times not to take my lack of hovering in her life as a sign we don't care about her. I just wanted to give her space. With a lot of time and prayer it worked out.

Suzi

Wow, you just described my scenario nearly to a T. That's how things were when I was pregnant with my son, only we didn't get married. But his father still lived with his parents (and still does now at the age of 30!), they have always supported him and paid his bills, and they controlled me too while I was with him. They didn't want me or my son to have anything to do with my family, and I was scared to try and get away from all of them. My ex would do anyhing his mother told him to do, and she expected me to be completely obedient of him. The only hope I can give you is that hopefully sooner than later she will see how obscenely controlling they are and when that happens, she's going to need you and your husband to be there for her. It's going to be a scary situation for her, especially when it comes to thinking about the court battles she'll have to go through. Just llet her know at every opportunity that she can always rely on you, and she'll realize eventually what they are doing. I wish you the best of luck!

First of all...congratulations on becoming a grandmother!!! I a first time grandmother of a precious 8 month old little boy and I can tell you there is NOTHING better!!!!
Now is the time to build bridges with your daughter and with your son in law. I can only imagine how painful this is for you...and my heart breaks for you. You have to resist the urge to be judgmental towards your daughters husband or inlaws...you can't force her to choose or you will probably come out on the losing end of the decision.
Possibly your husband could be a positive influence on your new son in law...model what a good husband and father should be for him.
Think of what YOU would want your Mother and Father to do if you found yourself in this same situation when you were young...and try to see things from your daughters point of view.
It sounds to me as if the mother in law is an "enabler" and unfortunately, your son in law is not going to grow up as long as she allows him to take advantage of her...but there isnt a thing you can do about that. All you can do is be there for your daughter because it sounds like she is going to need you...in a big way!!!
God Bless all of you.
R. Ann

ahhh. well, speaking as someone who WAS that nineteen year old girl, just try to be so, so, supportive. watch the looks and comments as much as you can, and just offer any kind of support continuously so she knows how loved she and the baby are. she will come to her senses, or he will, when the baby is a reality, don't you worry. in my case it worked out but i know all too well how often it doesn't...she'll need you to help pick up the pieces so keep as close to her now as you can. and maybe, to show forgiveness, get them picture frames (matching, for you and her) for wedding pictures or something? good luck.

There is one very cool thing going on here. You love your daughter and you want what is best for her and your grandchild. If you have given your daughter a good upbringing and she has planned on living a good life in adult hood, just wait it out. Say nothing bad about the situation, her mother in law, her husband, or the baby. Be there for her, a positive influence in every way. When that baby comes and there are no diapers, no bills being paid, by her husband she will remember the way she was raised. When she gets tired of his mother taking care of his responsibilities she will remember what you taught her at home. If he does not grow up there may come a time when the baby and your duaghter come home to you. Until then all you can do is be there for her. I would not offer help in any way, act as though you believe he is taking care of her. When she mentions a situation you can tell her you are sorry things are so hard for her. The other mother is not even an issue when it comes to you and your daughter. She knows you love her, she knows you will love the baby. Show an interest, show you care, and let the others mothers words fall to the floor as they become known to be untruths. There is a bond between a mother and daughter that becomes even stronger when that daughter becomes a mother. There is also a lot of tension between mother in laws and daughter in laws after a baby enters the picture. This will all work out.

Hi S.,

All you can do is let your daughter know that you are there for her, and fight to be able to keep her in your life. I always thought when the girls grew up (27,25,23) that life would be easier! HA HA

To sit back and watch them make what I consider a mistake is one of the hardest things that I do, the thing to remember is we weren't all born this smart! Life experience is what has made us be able to recognize the mistakes our children make. Which brings us back around to having to watch while this happens. This will be doubly hard for you - because in not to much time you will have a grandchild caught up in it too.

Are you willing to have your daughter and her husband live with you? If your values are anything like mine - they would have to work and pay their own bills, so it probably won't happen if they are living on easy street now...as far as the mother in law goes - you know the old saying the grass is always greener on the other side - until you get there! Time has a way of working through things! Just be yourself, you don't have to be this womans best friend, you laid 18 years of ground work with your daughter and at some point she will remember all of it!

Good luck and hang in there, when your daughter realizes she has made a mistake, she will not only need you for herself but for her baby as well.

N.

That's a tough situation. I don't know what you can do about it other than pray for your daughter and her child if you of a mind to pray. Pray also that your son in law will grow up. I have to wonder if your daughter was complaining to her mother in law about you and your husband. Where would her mother in law get the idea that you don't love her?

Teens are really tough sometimes. I have three teenage daughters myself and my middle one will be 18 in a few months. She has a boyfriend and they hope to be married someday, but my daughter also has her mind on college. Personally I don't like the living together idea, but unfortunately once kids are 18 they make that decision for themselves.

I will pray that your daughter will somehow get out from her mother in law's control and be able to talk to you and your husband.

Not many young men ask the father for the woman's hand in marriage anymore; they ask the young woman, and that's it. It's sad, but it's also the way it is. It may be that he didn't intend to upset your husband, just didn't realize that you expected him to do that because not a lot of people do.

But I think the real problem here lies with you and your daughter's relationship. Why did she feel that she couldn't tell you they were getting married? It may just have been blind love or foolish youth, or it may be something else.

Whether your daughter spends time with you is up to HER, not her mother-in-law. Unless they are locking her in the house, she will come see you if she wants to--but it sounds like your daughter doesn't want to. It could be that she feels unloved because you are criticizing her choices (which are admittedly not great right now, but telling her so isn't going to help). As others have pointed out, she may be saying something to make her MIL think badly of you--especially if you're saying bad things to your daughter about the man she loves.

For instance, when your daughter told you she was pregnant, how did you react? Were you happy for her, or did she come away from that conversation feeling hurt or rejected? I'm not trying to criticize you, I'm just trying to point out that the only person's behavior you can change is YOUR OWN.

It also may be that the only way to change the MIL's image of you is to change how you deal with your daughter. Give her support and love, allow her to make her own mistakes, and trust that she will eventually get it figured out. You gave her guidance and values, but it is up to her whether or not to use them. Let her know that even if you may sometimes disagree with her choices, you will always love her and will be there for her.

Also remember that your daughter may see something in this young man that you, at this point, do not (albeit, understandably so).

When my husband and I were first together, my mother thought my husband would never be able to support a family. She only saw his faults; she didn't see in him all the good things that I did, and I couldn't understand why she hated him.

He has always been a wonderful husband and father, and has always tried hard, and my mother sees that now. It took some time, though! At one point, she thankfully realized that her negative comments about him were only driving me away, so she stopped. After that, we grew much closer. My husband and mother get along very well now, and I'm thrilled! :-)

Good luck, and congrats on the new grandbaby!
--A.

Be there for your daughter let her know how she is very much loved.You also need to be honest with her and tell her how you feel she is an adult now and will soon see the BIG piture,when she is unable to get the clothes and food she wants and the much needed diapers and baby cloths because her husband isn't there to support her.Your feelings on how will her husband be able to financially afford you and baby hes not doing a very good job as of right now from just the few things you mentioned about him.I was 19 when I moved out with a girlfriend didn't last long meet a man who is 6 yrs older than me and that was the best thing that ever hapenend to me anyway moved in with him after a few weeks into our relationship.It really upset my dad he told me (which I don't remember ever hearing)that he was in our home and told me that you can move in with me in front of my family with out asking them first.Anyway we have been together ever since now almost 9 yrs and 3 yrs of marriage and 2 kids 1 on the way.As for the mother-in-law let her blab her mouth and when she says something directly to you in regards to your daughter let her have it!!!

as someone who has always been close to my mom, sometimes the best course of action for a loving mother is to trust her child. my poor mom had to watch me move halfway across the country, move in with a guy, and marry him, all along really hating him deep down. i have to give my mom tons of credit, she kept her mouth shut, loved me, supported me, and was there whenever i needed to talk. and now 7 years later we're doing pretty good, the family gets along for the most part, and my mom has a beautiful grandson (her first), which she gets to see almost every weekend, to show for all her patience. i truly think if she had resisted or tried to lecture me at the time, it would only have driven a wedge between us and possibly she'd be missing out on her grandson right now. so my point is, when it comes down to it your daughter is an adult now. she may have to make some mistakes and learn from them...i did. luckily i paid attention and grew up, and my husband finally has started to grow up too ;) i know you can't control what goes on on her husband's family's side, all you can do is control yourself. stick it out and don't judge him in front of her, support her and love her unconditionally. tell her that it's her life but you'll be here to support her if she needs you. when that baby comes you'll be thankful you kept the peace. let them say what they want, but your actions towards your daughter will speak louder than them. good luck. a girl's mama is the only one she has. i know i'd be lost without mine!

PS, like someone else said, let the MIL go for now. it's not your responsibility to get along with EVERYONE. it's your job to be a good mom and be there for your daughter. concentrate on that. call her and see how she's doing, being supportive and loving, listen to her gripe and complain if that's what it takes, invite her to lunch if you can, or send her a card in the mail saying you're thinking of her and love her...just let her know you're there....good luck again!

Get your daughter alone and have a heart to heart, tell her that you are afraid you will lose her. She may be young and right now foolish but you raised her and she does love you.

I didn't know how to read the other responses before I posted. You have gotten some great advice.
Whatever you do, don't say a word against the young man or his family. You will be the mom who is easy to be around.

Lots of good advice. Just want to add that as long as you are supportive of your daughter, even when you feel she's making mistakes, she will be able to come to you no matter what. If you tell her you don't like her husband or inlaws, you may push her away. It's hard to bite your tongue and if she asks for your opinion, of course be honest. But unwarranted advice - even given out of love and concern - in this particular situation could backfire. Best of luck!!

First don't show any animosity towards her son in front of your daughter or her. Invite them all over for dinner to make amends. Whether you like it or not, you daughter is married to this person and having his child, so he will be around, most likely, for the next 18 years. My nephew was 25 when he grew up and only because his girlfriend got pregnant with twins. They are getting married next month, twins are 4 months old, and has become really responsible. It was a wake up call when they were born. So there is hope. Have the dinner and try to be the bigger person, but not to big as to "out do" the MIL. You both have something in common now and you definately want to share the love with her, but show her that you can respect her. Good luck and God Bless
P.S. You never know your daughter may wake up one day and realize what a putz she married and leave him, especially if he doesn't change.

remember the old saying is keep your friends close and your enemy closer, you need to make every effort to come together with his side of the family. That is the only way to keep informed of things. Yes bite your tongue on things you do not agree with and dont offer anything right away. let the gap between you close a bit. Dont disregard him in front of her. It was her decision and if you are degrading any of his ability you are also doing that to her choice of a spouse. I know you dont agree and with what you said this is a fragile situation. But if you plan on being close to your daughter then you have to let her choices be her's. You need to tell your daughter you are proud of her efforts in every way. This will give her the balance she needs if she chooses to leave the relationship. Good Luck and God bless.

Shiela,

I was a single mom at a young age and got a lot of strength and confidence from my mom who always encouraged me to do my best. My child's father turned out to be an immature jerk, but I pulled up my bootstraps, went to college and now have a Master's degree. That's not to say that I didn't struggle or shed tears along the way. My son is 9 now, I'm married and have a happy family life. My suggestion to you would be to support your daughter in taking responsibility as a parent, with or without her partner. If she is single, she may want to look into college options before getting married. E.g. Grants for single moms can pay most or all of a college education, depending on the school.

S.,

I feel your pain! I'm the Mother of 5 grown children, 4 that are married. It is sometimes very difficult dealing with extended families, and I really admire you for wanting to get along with your Daughter's Mother in Law. My question is why does she think that you do not love your Daughter? She is hearing that from someone, somewhere, and my guess is it's from your Daughter. You don't say anything about why she thinks these things, but I'm pretty sure that you know. You can't help your feeling about your Son in law, he has earned the lack of respect that you have for him now, and he has to show you that he can be a responsible Husband and Father before you change your mind. Until that happens, it might be extremely difficult for you to have a different relationship with his Mother. I would really take it easy right now and slowly try to change the situation. It's not as important to have a great realationship with the MIL as it is to have a good relationship with your Daughter. From the sound of things, she is really going to need you. You have to first of all accept the situation for what it is right now. She is married to this guy and having his baby. So accept it and help her to move on. Give her lots of support and encouragement for the baby. Don't bad mouth anyone at this point or you will lose both your Daughter and her baby. Believe me, I know how hard this is, but close your mouth, put on a smile and love your Daughter. The more support she gets from you, the better she will talk about you and the tension will ease. This sounds like there is a lot of negative communication going on, probably from both sides. This isn't the situation or future you were wanting for your only Daughter I know, but she has made a choice and unless you can accept it, live with it, support her and be there to pick up the pieces, you may end up without any Daughter or Grand baby at all. She made a choice, now it's your turn to make a choice.
Good Luck - Marcia

Wow...I am baffled. I would be so hurt. Sounds like your daughter is being childish too. It's pretty self-centered to go off and marry without telling the parents. Why do the parents think you don't love your daughter? There must be something going on there. Is your daughter bad mouthing you? There must be some anger or resentment there for your daughter to snub you like that. Maybe something you are not even aware of.

I think you are doing the right thing by throwing a baby shower. This is your grandbaby and he/she will need you, and it's important that you do what you can to act like a family, even when the others are cutting you off.

Obviously, you need to sit down and talk with your daughter, in a loving way. Let her know how important it is to you to be a family and try to find out why she is being so distant. She may not grasp how strong the bond is between mother and child until she has the baby. Once she experiences baby love, maybe she'll have a better understanding of how you feel about her - or you may have to point it out!

Sorry this isn't much help. Hopefully your daughter and son-in-law will grow up and appreciate their family - and stop mooching off his family.

Speaking from the view point of your daughter. Just be as supportive of her as you can. Do not put her husband or in laws down in front of her. And just be confident in the way that you raised her. My husband was very immature when we got together (we were 17) and I often tell my mother if she didn't try so hard to keep us apart I probably wouldn't have rebelled and married him. Besides he surprise you, because my parents did such I good job raising me I did a good job "raising" my husband. We have been together 21 years and he now has a very important job in thwe military. And he is no longer a mama's boy.

Good luck!

Wow, you have a lot going on! You have to realize that it is very difficult for people to change. However, in time, you and the mother in law may develop some kind of relationship. Remember that it is not unusual for in laws to not be great friends. There would be fewer Hollywood movies that seem to revolve around the differences in in-laws. They are successful movies because the message strikes close to home.

Most important right now though, in my opinion, is letting your daughter know you love her and the new baby. You could explain that you don't think the situation is ideal, what you want FOR HER, but that doesn't mean you don't love her and won't love the baby. You could also discuss how different parents show their love for their children differently. The way you have chosen to show your love is by trying to raise her to become an independent adult. Perhaps at times, to do that you had to appear "mean", but what you wanted for her is to be able to stand on her own two feet, to be able to take care of herself and her family. From the moment a baby is born, it is the job of a parent to prepare that child to be an independent adult. Not all parents feel that way, and that's their decision. It is not good or bad, just different. End by reminding her that you still love her and will support her as best you can. Make sure you let her know that, no matter what, you are there for her, she can ALWAYS come to you.

DO NOT MENTION THE MOTHER IN LAW. It seems like she shows her love for her son by keeping him a kid. You need to let your daughter figure that out by herself.

Hi S.. I know that you have gotten a lot of responses and mine is kinda late. I had my first baby when I was 21. No my husband wasnt a loser though, we had our own house and he had and still has a very good job. BUT I was not close with my mom at the time, we had tons of problems when I was a teenager and just grew apart. When I got pregnant we became very close and she was always by my side. I honestly dont know what I would do if my mom wasnt there through all my worries and fears. Now being a mother myself and have grown up tremendously your daughter will realize how much love you have for her and no one can come between that. It is unfortunate that her husband and his family suck and you will always worry about her. Just try not to judge and be there for her, she needs you now. Hopefully her and her husband will get their situation figured out and not depend on his crazy family so much.