I am 37 years old, own 2 homes 3 cars and support myself fully in all ways. I have raised my 1st child who is now 17 without a father & my 5 month old as well, completely solo! I have always been on my own 2 feet since the day I turned 18. My father died at 52 years old when I was 26. It was completely unexpected and I ended up in an extremely severe depression. I stopped caring for myself, so I did what was best and called my parents(Mom & Step-Dad) and asked if they would take care of my son for 2 weeks while I got back on my feet. They agreed, it was really hard for me but I didn't know what else to do. I would visit my son every night and read him a bedtime story. My parents had become very close to my son at that time.
But after he was home, there were things I specifically asked they not do, such as let him play with fake knives or fake guns. The 1st time they went to the store after I asked them not to give him those things, they bought him 1 of each. I was mad!
I love my parents but every time something is wrong between my now 17 year old son and I they(my parents & my son) go behind my back and do the things I request them not to. I pay all the bills in the house and my son works fulltime, when I told him he was over his data limit on his phone I shut his phone off and my step dad goes and buys him a phone the same day. Then my son was in football and got really angry with me because I told him his friend couldn't come over because he had stolen from me and my son tackled me, well I ended up with a sprained wrist and sprained ankle. Had a brace on my arm and was on crutches for 6 weeks. I called my parents and said" I need you to take him for a day so we can take a break" there is just me as his parent, his father has never been a part of his life.
Anyhow, my step dad takes my son out the same day while I am at the doctor and buys him a psp and games. In my eyes he was rewarded for tackling me. Not ok! If I tell my 17 year old no, they tell him Yes, it is so frustrating!! He has no respect towards me and I'm tired of having to constantly battle them. Anyone have any suggestions on how I should handle this?
To clarify a little bit more..my financial stability is due to my father who passed away and left me his life insurance, is how I own 2 houses (1 of which I rent out),the other I reside in and that is also how I pay for my college.I had to lose my father in which I would give everything back in exchange to have him back again.It was very nice of him to think of his kids. He was a very successful man who had a very successful business.
My son and I are currently in family therapy and have been for 2 years. I placed my son in a psychiatric unit for his anger, he punched a wall & they still released him as "completed". I have put him in individual counseling sessions as well as us doing family therapy. I have called the police on him and my parents begged me not too on the day he tackled me so I told them I was not going to lie to the Doctor about what happened and I didn't,I told my Doctor the truth and they did nothing, said nothing, nothing happened to my son!
My parents buy him the electronics and leave them at their home. As for talking to my parents, I have, my mom says"You know how he is"(her husband). I tell my mom what I expect them to do when my son has been punished/disciplined by me and her response is always "I know but your step dad is always right and knows everything and I have to pick and choose my battles with him." I have told her repeatedly that if she and the family continue boosting his ego by not standing up to him that he will never listen to anyone and continue to go against what I say regarding my children. I also told her that I would take my son and daughter and we would move but my son says he refuses to leave his girlfriend here.
I know I have a year left with him and I have been trying to be the best parent to him that I can. There are issues, he blames me for not having his dad, his dad abused me so I did what was right for myself and my son and I divorced him before my son was a year old!
I have already started a new way of dealing with my parents when it comes to my daughter. Unfortunately I will not ask for help from my parents and I wont allow her to get as close to them as my son has. I feel horrible that I didn't realize what was happening to my son and my relationship. Unfortunately I had to learn from my mistakes in which I don't care what people think I know in my heart I WILL NOT REPEAT THEM.
So basically if you only have mean things to say to me and disrespect me as a person, then stop answering on my questions. You know who you are, you are the only person that is attacking me negatively on here.Backbone!!! Ha!
Whoa - if your son tackled you and caused injury because he couldn't have a friend over (who is a thief), you have WAY bigger problems than the whole "my parents are over involved." You need to report what your son did and get him the help he needs ASAP. Honestly, what did you tell the clinic/hospital happened? Did you lie and enable this situation?
Stop worrying about your parents - you have WAY bigger issues than them.
Your son physically assaulted you. Did you call the police? Did you fill out a police report? This is absolutely not ok.
Looking at your prior post, it looks to me that you never established parental boundaries with your son or adult boundaries with your parents and as a consequence your are dealing with these issues now.
Your son is 17....there is not much you can do, especially since he physically assaulted you. Are you even safe with him living there? Let him live with grandparents at this point.
You need to start setting boundaries with your parents and your daughter. Stop relying on them so much. Expand your social network to have your own friends and reliable adults for support.
Until you establish boundaries with your parents, history will repeat itself with your daughter.
Looks like you may have some missed emotional growth while you were working on your financial achievements. Time to get that taken care of with a therapist.
ETA: Thank you for updating.
I'm sorry your mother emotionally abandons you when you reach out to her, and just cements this by putting your stepfather first.
I think you realize at this point what a toxic couple they are, and it is best to minimize contact with them.
I'm sorry for the loss of your father.
Sigh....I guess if I were you. I would try to put as much physical distance between myself and my parents. Even if it meant moving away to another college with your daughter.
I'm sorry but your son is not going to improve his behavior until he absolutely has to. Usually that means with the back up of law enforcement. I hope when this happens, and it will, that it provides enough external support for him to turn his life around. It's best to detach from him now and let tough love take over.
Please, please get the support of a therapist. You have a lot on your plate and could benefit from some unbiased support to see things more clearer.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
I don't get this. I answered your previous question and see that you are not currently working. How you have two homes I don't follow. You say you're in college to be a paralegal and also courses as a veterinarian and forensic science... I'm just wondering if this is real. You say you're stay at home mom.
Your son works full time but is in school full time ...
Your son moved out and lived with his grandparents, because his girlfriend (last question) turned him against you.
Your son has physically assaulted you and you're worried your step father gave him a game system.
Sounds to me like your parents are involved with your son quite a bit, especially if he lived with them, and you both have different rules.
I think there should be one parent - one set of rules - and there needs to be consequences.
So far, I haven't seen any consequences listed here. What have you done? I'm talking about with your son.
After your last SWH and knowing your first post about son's girlfriend. I too would've given a different answer. I suggest your different ways of describing things shows your difficulty in setting boundaries.
Your SWH included the phrase I'd move except my son doesn't want to leave his girk friend or something similar. Why are you giving him power by making your decision to not move based on his choices? You wrote in the first post you want your son away from her. Moving is a great way to do that.
I know moving is very difficult. I was surprised you said you would move. Not moving because your son wants to stay with a girlfriend you want out of his life, says to me you really don't want to move. I wouldn't want to move because moving would take away the support you get in counseling. I know moving means starting life over in many ways. It would seriously increase my stress and make me less able to deal with my son. Not moving seems like a good decision. Why do you excuse your choice by putting it on your son?
I suggest it's too late to set boundaries that will help them to change with your mom and step-dad. I suggest you're blaming them for you not setting boundaries years ago. I suggest owning your choices will help you make better choices.
Are you getting help from counseling or are you still defending your choices by blaming your parents? Have you tried doing any of their suggestions? If so, do you know why they didn't help?
You must have boundaries that keep you safe. You give consequences for your son's behaviour. What your parents do is not really important to how you parent. Your parents can not protect you! They've been very clear about it.
They will not change! I suggest your son will not change. I would talk with a Juvenile Court intake person to see if you can file a petition to ask for help. He's out of your control and causes you physical injury. I suggest placement in an inpatient facility is appropriate.
You're upset because the mental health institution released him. What did you do about it? Did you talk to someone on his treatment team? Did you ask them what the next step would be after his release? Did they make any suggestions for additional ongoing therapy? Did you look for help or decided not to because your son wouldn't cooperate. Is your son actually going to counseling now? If he is he knows he needs help. It's common for teens to refuse treatment. If both of you are going you're fortunate. Use counseling to help you make boundaries and help you enforce them.
You can set boundaries that will help you deal with them. You said you wouldn't let your daughter get close to her grandparents. You cannot make her to choose to not be close. That is her decision. I suggest that any effort to do so will harm your relationship with her. She is responsible for her life. You are responsible for your life. You cannot make anyone do what you want them to do.
I recommend you learn about a condition called co-dependency. Co-dependency is a condition in which the person depends on another person (s) to make them happy. I suggest your continued dependance your parents to support you I'm the ways you want them to do is a sympton. So is expecting ypur daughter to not have a close relationship with her grandparents. Just read and see if this might be helpful to explore.I do not expect you to agree. I hope you'll check it out before rejecting the idea.
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First, always take away whatever your parents give him that you don't want him to have. Then give him a consequence if he fights with you. I know it's heart breaking and embarrassing to call them. However the natural consequence for breaking the law is calling the law.
If this is the first time he was physical with you, it's difficult to know what to do. I would tell him you will call if he ever touches you in anger.
You may think your son will be in more trouble than you want for him. Police have options to what they do. If he's calm enough they're likely to just talk with him. If his attitude indicates you're still in danger, they may arrest him. Usually only when you agree to an arrest. The police may give you a list of resources that will help you and your son.
What consequence did you give your son? Hitting you and causing injury I'd very serious. He has to know that! Did you take away the things your parents gave him? If not, do it now. Then give him a consequence that is a way he can make amends. He took away your time and caused you pain. He can wash the dishes, vacuum, clean the living room to your standards, etc. If he doesn't do what you've told him to do, he has another consequence and still has to complete the first consequence. If you haven't been requirin him to do chores and have consequences before this is going to be difficult. You must stand your ground and follow through. You can take away his phone and or electronics. If he drives your car or his own, take away his keys.
What consequences have you been giving him and followed through on? One reason your parents give him things is that you let them. It's hard to take a stand against parents when you were taught, as a child, to not upset them. Part of being an adult is to break those ties.
I strongly suggest you start counseling, first for yourself and then for your son. You want to take back your power, to know you are his mother and in charge of your son. You need to protect yourself from further injury. You can learn ways to manage a teen in a more effective way.
if you give your parents control because they have helped you by taking him to theit house, perhaps because you feel guilty, counseling can help you sort out your feelings. Are you tryin to prove to your parents that you're a responsible adult. Why else is the information about owning 2 homes, etc important. You are your son's parent. You are in chargE of him. Unless and until CDS investigates and says you're not capable, you are in control. Not your parents.
Standing up to your son, at 17, in a successful way, will be difficult. He'll be an adult in a year. Perhaps you'll need to prepare yourself and your son for him to move out once he graduates. I suggest he has to know that he has to be respectful and contribute to running the house. He will have chores to do. Perhaps you'll continue with a curfew. He has to have a job or be in school. He has to pay for his own phone and his share of insurance.
Edited to add: You put in major details in your SWH that answered so many of our questions. It would have been so helpful if you had been able to do that from the beginning. I, and others I'm sure, might have answered a bit differently.
Original answer:
Wow. Your son tackled you and put you on crutches, and you didn't do anything except send him to your parents? He stole from you and your parents are continuing to undermine you?
I'm sorry - you have lost control of your son entirely. I read your prior question and he's got a lousy girlfriend you can't control. He's engaging in, apparently, risky behaviors with her and also getting physical with a woman (you) when he doesn't get his way. And your parents are spoiling him rotten to the point that he cannot take no for an answer.
Your son doesn't respect you, and neither do your parents. He's making terrible choices and you can't stop him.
Your son is 17 and you will soon lose legal control over him. You can kick him out of your house but, as things stand now, he will probably just move in with your parents and get them to fund all his bills. If he's out of control, you have 3 choices: kick him out, get him into major therapy (with you to develop parenting skills for him), or put him in a residential program for violent or delinquent teens. Do you have the backbone to do any of the tougher choices?
At 17, it can be good to have a break from your kids if you can. Since your parents are so happy to indulge him, I think he should go live with them for a while, since he attacked you.
Maybe he can finish out high school with them.
That's what I'd do.
Pretty simple solution really, send your 17 yr old to live with your parents. Set boundaries as to what you will tolerate and stick to them. If it means communication stops for a while, that may not be a bad thing.
Set boundaries with your parents and stick to them. If they give your son something behind your back then you have to take it away. If they refuse to follow your rules regarding your son you can cut them off for a while. Honestly, your biggest problem here is your son tackling you. That is not ok. I would do family therapy and individual therapy asap for your son and yourself. Your son is almost 18...you are almost at the point where you don't have much control or say anymore. You should have done this back when your son was younger because I'm sure his relationship with your parents is pretty set in stone now. I'm so sorry. You really have things tough. I am angry at your parents for you.
Is this the same 17-year-old who you wrote about in your last question, the one with a girlfriend? Maybe he could go live with her for a while, since she lived with you for a few months?
You can't "make" them not do something they want to do. Is your son in high school? Or already graduated.
He's old enough to make his own decisions and start working to pay for his own things. He wants a phone? She him where the phone store is and let him get his own phone and plan. Mom and dad want to pay for it for him? Some day they will stop or be gone.
I also think you need to work out compromises with your son instead of saying this is it, I'm the mom and "I" say so.
How is that teaching him to stand on his own two feet and have any natural consequences for his mistakes? He's going to be completely unprepared for real life at this point if you are making every decision for him still.
