How to Deal - Austin,TX

There's always a silver lining, and a reason to be grateful, even if it's not apparent at first. I'll give you a reason to be thankful that you're going back to work. And that reason is that you could be me instead!

I can very clearly imagine the pain you must be going through. I have 3 boys, one in school, one preschooler, and one toddler. It would be like ripping my heart out if I had to stop being their stay-at-home mom. But it also rips my heart out every day that my boys and I have to stay in this awful family situation because I don't have a career to go back to, or a job that I can get to support my boys. I don't know why you are getting divorced, but I'm so glad that you CAN get divorced and move on to a happier life with your girls. Me? I'm trapped. And trapped is a bad way to feel.

I'm in therapy, too, and it really does help. I hope you find some peace and inner strength from it. I don't know if men feel the same way, but women, I think, always have a hard time with the unknown. I'm scared, and I'm sure you are, too, but I see you moving toward brighter days. Things will work out, and you and your girls will find happiness.

Well, I'm not divorced, but I'm a working mom so I have the healthy sense of mommy guilt. I know it totally sucks to put your kids in daycare, but in the long run, you're doing what's best for them. I dont know the reason for your divorce, but I can only assume that it wasnt a healthy relationship, and it's much better for your kids to be with 2 happy parents singly than 2 unhappy parents together, because they learn from you what marriage and relationships are like.

It sucks that you cant stay home with them anymore, but you are so lucky in this economy to go back to a good job so quickly. You're children will adjust, children are wonderfully adaptive. Just make sure you can trust whoever you send them to, so that you don't have to worry about that on top of everything else.

Good luck, and try not to be too hard on yourself.

She won't probably be OK - she'll be great. So will your little one. They'll both be great. You will miss your kids when you are away from them, but you will rediscover important parts of yourself, and they will be well cared for. Most importantly, they will absolutely still know 100% that you love them and are their mom.

Keep up with the therapy, and best of luck to you.

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it IS really hard putting your babies into someone else's hands. i had to do it with both of mine and my heart aches for you.
first and foremost, find a care provider you really really like. get recommendations from friends, get references and call them and ask them a lot of questions, visit, and be prepared to move around if necessary. when your babies are with someone you trust, it really does help. it won't take the place of being able to be there with them, but it will get you through.
having a solid career is HUGE. good for you! having to go back to work full-time would STINK if you had to settle for something.
you'll be fine, hon, and so will your girls. don't feel guilty about the marriage. you have enough to cope with, don't put any energy into feelings that won't help you improve your situation. you are being a great role model for your girls on a lot of levels. give yourself a pat on the back!
khairete
S.

So sorry for the difficult situation you are going through. Though I'm not in a similar situation I just wanted to add that choosing daycare and dropping your child off in someone elses care is a struggle for all moms regardless of the situation. When my son was born I worked part time and it was so hard to leave him, but you have to do what you have to do and guess what baby will be fine and so will you! Hang in there things will get better and easier!

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I was devastated by the end of my marriage and it has taken me a year to lift myself out of a pit of despair. I went to counseling, which helped a great deal. But attending DivorceCare group therapy and receiving the daily inspirational email messages kept me going day to day. Check the website DivorceCare.org to see if group sessions are held near you. (I cried through most of the first few meetings so I plan on attending again once the divorce is final.)

I also went back to work after leaving the workforce to raise my daughter. I worked for the Census Bureau during the summer and friends watched my daughter for me on a rotating schedule. Once school started, I found a position at my daughter's school. It has been so healing to be there with her during the day.

Even before this tragic event took place and while my daughter was young, I found jobs where my daughter could be with me: Daycare centers, church bible study groups, childcare in my home, etc. Not great paying, but worthwhile to be near my child.

Good luck and God bless.

I am so sorry that you feel such despair. The end of a marriage is the
end of a dream you had for yourself. But now you will need to make a
new dream that involves a healthy family. The unknown is scary but
the exciting part is "you don't know what you don't know". Picture yourself
2 years from now. Do your homework on the safest, funnest place to
care for your kids. Try to keep the relationship between your kids and
their father friendly. Recognize the negative feelings, like "guilt", bear
no fruit. Don't apologize to your kids that you have to work. It actually
is a gift that you can give them. Just let them know that you would love
to be with them every day but you are so fortunate to have skills that will
get you through this time and that there is so much to look forward to.
There are so many caring contributors in Mamapedia-land that are rooting
for your happy ending. You will have one. Go and claim it.

I cant imagine what you are going through, but I will pray for you and your girls!!!! i was just able to become a stay at home mom after my twin boys were born. when my oldest was born and i had to go back to work after 6 weeks, it was super hard for me. i think the only reason i was able to was because my MIL was watching him and I knew he would be safe, loved and taken care of. is there any chance of a family member watching them? My thoughts are with you and I hope you get this figured out!!

I am sorry that I can't give you the exact shoulder you need right now, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am you are in this hard time. As a fellow stay at home mama, I can only the imagine the ache in your heart. But as a day care kid, I will say, they really will be Ok. My mama had to send my sis and I and it was never what she would have wanted, but she made it work. She just hugged and squeezed us lots and made sure we knew we were at the top of her list. They even have day care now that is video monitored so you can see your little one all day. It is not the thing that most of us want, but you will still be able to effectively mother your children and they will be ok. I know some of the other mamas on here who have been in your shoes are going to make you feel so much better about this. Hang in there, sayin' a little prayer for your family....hugs!!!

I didn't go through a divorce, so I know that adds to it, but I stayed at home for 4 years. I was really ready to do something regular on a part-time basis at least, but I was also REALLY looking forward to one year of having my youngest to myself for most of the day while my oldest started 4 year pre-k. While I had been staying at home, I made extra money and ends meet by working a contract every spring and summer that was fairly lucrative. This worked because my mother gave me free childcare during that time. Then my mother passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly, and after several months I realized that there was no way I could work that contract, and that basically I would have to go ahead and go back to work earlier than planned. I won't lie -the part of me that had been longing to get back to "adult" world really loved it and I loved the money, but last year almost killed me emotionally. It's hard. There's no other way around it! It was time for my 4 year old to go to school every day, but dropping my youngest (18m and then 2 in October) off every morning and having him cling to me screaming almost did me in. I'm not telling you this to scare you -it's just the way it is for many of us who are suddenly faced with going back to work before we anticipated it. Those who never stayed home (by choice or need) had to deal with it much earlier, but they have to deal with it too. You WILL hit your stride and finally be okay. It's good you're seeing a therapist. That will help you a lot. Just understand that you are not alone at all! No matter what the reason, most mothers have a lot of guilt and sadness about leaving their children in daycare, preschool, whatever. It DOES get better -and sooner or later you will feel a confidence and even a relief you didn't think possible at this point. Your girls will also get to see a mother who takes care of herself and her daughters and dealt with it when the going got tough. It's not a bad thing for them to see! I wish you luck -just know during the first several months when it is really hard that you are in the company of millions.

I have not been through this but my heart aches for you. I hope therapy will help you work out some of your anxieties. Have you tried couple's therapy? Hang in there!

It is really hard to put my daughter in care. Honestly, my cousin now watches my daughter in her in home daycare and it's the best thing I've done. The babysitter before her was lazy, I noticed she'd be on the computer all the time when I picked her up (I'd just walk in). I always popped in without advance warning just to see what's up. My cousin is awesome with her though. It was hard because I don't trust people so I was very careful and watchful about how they acted around me and my daughter and the other kids. I paid CLOSE attention to my daughter and if she reacted different I tuned in. I check her over when she takes a bath just to make sure everything's okay. Like I said, I'm paranoid :) I live for my girl too :) All I can say just stay in tune with them, really teach your 5 year old to tell you if something happens that isn't okay.. teach her what BIG no nos are. I know how you feel though, I feel like no one can care for her the way I can.

You will love single motherhood though... especially since you live for your girls. As long as the father isn't going to be a big jerk about custody and stuff, it's nice to me (I have sole custody) that I don't have to argue with someone about discipline or care or whatever. Plus I get more one on one time with her.

If you have a responsible trustworthy friend that is a mom that works, ask her where they take em for daycare.

I agree with Dawn, when I say I live for my daughter, I mean I do my damndest to provide everything she NEEDS and some of the things she wants. She motivates me in every aspect of my life... especially when I don't feel like going to college a particular day. Living for your children is okay as long as your not spoiling (I read a book loving without spoiling that helped too)

Update: This is my saying from Helen Keller (I forgot her last name), "There was never a cloud the sun didn't shine through"... it will get better, especially when you find someone who is awesome and safe for your girls.