Divorce ??? Don't Know Where to Turn

There are so many helpful comments just wanted to leave a "good luck" and "Everything will work out somehow" thought. I know all too many people in the same position.

Been there done that. Turns out the biggest problem with him was him and the biggest problem with me was me. He doesn't want to do counseling that's fine. If you think you need it you can go by yourself. Also many churches offer support groups. Again, you can go by yourself.

Now, what worked for me. I decided that I needed my hubby to respect me. Well guess what? I had to respect me first. I put "us" first all the time. What that meant was I put my dreams and goals on the back burner so the kids could do everything they wanted and my hubby could pursue his career. Then when our finances went in the gutter and we started fighting I was so upset that I was bitter about the whole thing and figured we should just throw in the towel b/c he wasn't bringing anything to the table anyway. Our credit was destroyed, and I didn't know what I would do. I felt trapped in the marriage but felt like divorce was inevitable b/c there was NO warm feelings. I was overwhelmed with fear of what would I do on my own but at the same time felt like that may be my only option b/c I just didn't want to fight or be mad anymore.

The truth is...you can make it on your own, but first try to fix you. If your hubby isn't your rock right now so be it. You do NOT need him to be happy and if you can't be happy on your own nobody else is going to make you happy. Get out a piece of paper and write down some goals. Obviously you want to be happy. Well, to be happy you need to be working on something. Want to lose 20 lbs? Start with 5. Do you want to take some kind of class, go back to school, or get some extra job training? Learn to play an instrument, speak and language? Find a way and make it happen. Doesn't matter if you're broke. Decide that you're going to make it happen and then do it. Free info online and at libraries. Community college/continuing education. Swallow pride and talk to friends and family and tell them you want to do_____ and need ____ (could be money, ideas, childcare, networking, whatever you need to get there). Do one small thing to get closer to your goal everyday. It won't seem easy at first, but you'll gradually get empowered and if you just focus on making yourself happy (not in a mean way, just in a "I'm going to take care of myself b/c this is the only life I get way), you'll start to be happier. This has a way of spilling over into the marriage. The truth is you can be happy without your husband making you happy. You're both probably stressed as it is and he probably just doesn't know how to help you emotionally so he doesn't want to try. This is painful for you b/c you want him to make you better, b.c he's supposed to be your knight in shining armor, but he just can't.

Go join an art class or something and meet a girlfriend (if you don't know some already) you can talk about problems with. Let's face it men aren't the best at that stuff anyway.

My hubby and I more happy than ever and have reached a new understanding of eachother. Marriage is a learning process. I know it seems hard and sometimes it really is over. BUT sometimes, it's a new leaf. A wake up call that this isn't working so something has to change. The most difficult person to change, but the only one you can is yourself.

Good Luck!

Anna Lee said it very well. Seek counseling without him, at least it will help your peace of mind. It does sound like you two are under an awful amount of stress. This is not the time to be thinking about divorce, in my opinion. I would ask him (when you aren't fighting) to come up with a way of ending a conversation other than "I want a divorce". Maybe something like "take 10!" or "I need to go for a walk". Take a breather, think, write things down.
My mom tells a wonderful story of her grandparents and the way they would fight. If they felt they weren't getting anywhere my grandfather would grab his hat and take a walk around the block. When he got back to the house he would open the door and throw his hat in. If the hat came back he would go have a cup of coffee. If the hat stayed inside he knew that it was safe to come in and talk. =)
Marriage has its cycles; good, bad, indifferent, happy, sad. It doesn't mean a marriage has to end but it certainly means that it takes work. There is a great book, that I have recommended a couple of times here, by Gary Chapman called "The 4 Seasons of Marriage". It is a book for Christian couples but the message is sound even if you aren't a Christian. Read it, hand it to your husband and see if he would be willing to read and talk about it too.
Good luck dear. Keep your chin up.

My heart breaks for you. Your marriage sounds like so many marriages, meaning your not yelling, and being completly hateful to eachother but the connection you both had seems to be gone. It is so overwhelming to go from should I leave to I'm going to leave. You will get lots of response about not staying in it for the kids. Your hubby not wanting to go to counseling is not really becasue he is too good for it but my bet he is afraid of what might he might discover about himself and you guys as a couple. Him throwing the "divorce" word around is meant to stop you from the argument because he has nothing to give you at that moment.Financial issues can play a big part of stress in a marriage as well. You definitly need happiness and harmony in your home. Would you consider seeing someone on your own?If you don't have insurance there should be a community counseling service in your area with a sliding scale. This way you have someone to talk to , to address your needs and to help you communicate what you want from your husband and even sadly, it will help you see if you really want to stay or go. You need to get out of your head and have someone level minded, unbiased and supportive of you to help you through this. You are very frustrated and you need to take a deep breath and evaluate the pros and cons of your relationship. You didn't say how old your kids are and for how long this has been going on. If you believe this is already effecting your kids then you have to help yourself to help them. I wish you all the best in this very difficult time.

You can't make someone get counseling if they don't want it, but you can get it for yourself. The counselor will help you learn how to handle your interactions with him differently to better meet your needs and better minimize your hurt feelings. If you do choose counseling, I suggest sharing some of your experience if a natural opportunity arises to do so with your hubby. "We talked about x today. She helped me see y about myself." That sort of thing. A lot of people have misconceptions about counseling and it might help him come around to it to hear what you got from it as long as you're careful that what you share doesn't sound like an accusation about him in any way.

I don't think any of us can tell you that it is time to leave him. You must decide that in your heart.

But I will answer this directly: "But how can living apart be any good for them? I'm terrified of the thought of being alone."

You must ask yourself what your current relationship is teaching your children about love. Is it teaching them to grow and journey together, or is it teaching them to trap themselves in a painful situation when they can come up with no successful path forward.

Children, just like adults need to recognize that we all make mistakes and we do our best to handle them and return to happiness and growth. If you can find no possible path forward toward growth again, then staying sends those children the wrong message.

That doesn't mean you don't try to fix it if you feel there are any tools left to you that might be successful. They need to see that, too. They need to know that love is work, and they need to see the ways that you have really put effort into anything you can do to better the situation.

But if you have or do run out of things to try and no one can help you find new ones, you are left with the choice to teach your children to trap themselves like you would be by staying, or to teach them that sometimes even all the effort in the world can't fix it, and when that happens, finding happiness and growth again is the only way to salvage your life.

If they are somewhat older children, talk to them (CAREFULLY) about all the things you're trying to help the situation and how important it is to find your path back to growth and loving relationships, and how much you hope you can figure it out with their father. Let them see your work.

If you decide you really are at the end, if he will not do anything more to try to change from his end, sit down as a family and CALMLY say that you've done all you know how to do, seen a counselor and sought help from anyone who would listen. Tell him that you don't want to have to leave, but you feel like it's important for everyone that they be able to have happiness and growth and you can no longer find any path to that by yourself. Ask him if there is anything he can offer that might change the situation.

Refuse to be baited or get into extreme emotions or arguments. Stay as calm as you can. If he offers suggestions or ways he can change, talk through how you've tried, or don't find that one within your power to do, or try it if the suggestion has any chance of success. If he offers to change, ask him what you should look for in his progress and how long he needs to try to change this in himself before you have a conversation about progress again.

If he just gets mad, walk away and let him be mad for a while, saying no more than "I love you. Take some time to think." And then try at least one more time to have the conversation in a few days and see if he can talk then once he's not feeling surprised and immediately hurt.

If he still has no useful suggestions and doesn't offer to change himself with some boundaries on it, then your best option is to go, and to let the kids see that it is because you can't come up with any other way.

This will be EXTREMELY difficult to do. All of the fear and pain surrounding such a choice makes it very hard to not fight, to not rise to the bait and the old patterns and the ways each party is used to manipulating the other. But in the end, if you can pull it off, you will have MANY fewer regrets about the situation, and feel like you really did do everything in your power to offer him the chance to decide this was valuable enough to him that he could meet you in the middle about things like counseling, etc. If you can stay calm through this, stay question focused, and be no more melodramatic than a few quiet tears, he will have a much better chance of seeing how serious you are and that this is his last real chance. So if he values it enough, he will be more likely to accept the challenge to work on this with you. And if he doesn't, you will have a more accurate picture of that fact that you would from a fight with him or leaving without telling him, which will help you heal.

You've gotten some fine advice. In addition to what Amalthea has written, I'd like to add that there is a terrific communication tool that could help you, even if you use it and your husband doesn't. You sound like an ideal candidate to learn this technique because you are already so aware of your own feelings and needs, and are fairly understanding about your husband's reactions even though they are uncomfortable for you.

This process is called Non-Violent Communication, or NVC. You can google these terms for more complete explanations, tips and examples, but here's one application of the basic process that might fit your situation:

1. Listen respectfully, with your heart, to a criticism or angry comment from your DH, and observe/summarize what you believe he said. Use non-judgemental language. "I hear you worrying that when I express sadness/anger when we disagree, that's more than you can deal with because your own feelings are already running so high. Am I "getting" you?" Be prepared to adjust your statement until you are saying something you can both agree upon.

That step alone could surprise you both: he might feel the unexpected satisfaction of your attentive listening and have his emotional burden acknowledged; in short, you will be meeting some of his emotional needs. He may suddenly realize that he DOES have feelings and that they are overwhelming (some guys don't really believe this.) And his response toward you may suddenly be less loud. And you may find an unexptected tenderness toward his struggle.

2. Make an observation, and report your genuine feelings about it. Make sure you state feelings ("I feel mad, sad, glad when…") and not concepts (I feel you don't respect me / listen to me / care about me, when…"). Feelings just are, and are hard to argue with. Concepts are often a point of argument. (You will express the concepts in a later step, stated as needs. First, get real about your feelings. Example: "I have heard parents scolding small children with that tone of voice. When you use that tone with me, I feel hurt, frustrated, and confused.")

3. Tell what needs of yours are going unmet, some of which might be: "You know, sweetheart, just like you, I need to be heard. Just like you, I have a longing for respect / consideration / space to vent. I need to have my needs supported, not attacked. I want to learn how to strengthen the family connections that are becoming frayed. I want our children to experience a well-connected family. I want to believe that in spite of all the financial stress we are carrying, we can still treat each other with warmth and caring. I need to know we are in this together emotionally, as well as living in the same house."

4. Make a request that is within your husband's reach. This might include: "I hope you will help me figure out how we can achieve that. Are you as troubled as I am at the state of our partnership? Is divorce the only solution you can see? That would be so drastic, so costly emotionally and financially, and have such an impact on the children we both love. I need your help in finding some common ground to build on. Would you be willing to find some alternative word, other than 'divorce,' when we argue?" Or, "Would you be so kind as to repeat what you've just heard me say, so I know whether I could usefully restate my request?"

Obviously, I don't know the details well enough to give you a perfect script, which will, at best, come from what is best and strongest in you and arise from your particular conversation. But I hope you can see the possibilities this wonderful technique opens up. My best to you. I know so many families struggling right now. When the "traditional" part of a husband has been shaken by an inability to provide for his family, he often becomes too wound up in beating himself up to hear anything negative or needy from his family.

dont give up. if life isnt horrible then its fixable. and from what you said life isnt horrible. YOU should go to counseling with out him. its not that there is anything wrong with him but you both dont communicate well together and counseling will help you to understand each other. and no you dont understand where the other is coming from. get on the same page. relax a little together. focouse on your spouce not your kids. let him be number one. and its going to take time. start to write down all the good things he does. from the above paragraph i definatly dont think you need to throw in the towel. remember he is you friend too. and would you really treat friends the way you two have been toward eachother? nope. so start to remember he is a friend and you should treat him so. good luck and God bless your marriage. btw churches give marriage counseling.

I understand how you feel. One thing I have learned is that you cannot expect your happiness to come from your marriage. It sounds like it is worth saving, though. There was a good Tyler Perry movie on last weekend called, "Why did I get Married?". It was very good. It was about 4 couples who take a week once a year to work on their marriages. They mentioned an 80/20 rule. Many married people will trade their "80" spouse for a "20". In other words, the grass isn't greener on the other side. The programs mentioned in some of the other responses are a good way to do that. The best thing my Husband and I did is get into a church that really preaches how important it is to stay together. I have been thru 3 divorces and I didn't have a choice. They had already found a replacement before I could do anything about it. My current Husband is a very strong-willed, hard- headed German who loves to argue but when he digs his heels in when I am so frustrated that I feel like giving up, he finally says, "I will do whatever it takes to save our Marriage" and with at lease 1/2 of the couple taking that stance, any problem can usually be worked out. The Lord can change each of you to make it work. You cannot change your Husband and he cannot change you. But, with the Lord, anything is possible. Try to remember when you were happier and start doing the things you used to do during those times. Start being more loving toward your Husband. Get him a shirt for no reason, cook his favorite meal, clean out his car, etc. and he will most likely start doing more thoughtful things for you. It is amazing how a little act of kindness can improve the environment. Pray for your marriage. Get specific. Ask the Lord to make you more loving toward your Husband. Start going to a church that you feel is supportive of marriage and pray that your Husband will want to come because of the possitive changes he sees in you. It can happen. Divorce is usually caused by selfishness. Therefore, to keep your marriage, start seeking the happiness of your Husband (that Bible even says that) and you both will be happier.

I learned this from a friend, and it is so true: (Chinese Proverb)

If you want happiness for an hour - take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day - go fishing.
If you want happiness for a month - get married.
If you want happiness for a year - inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime - HELP SOMEONE ELSE.

I have noticed that my Husband and I work very well together when we are helping someone else. It brings us closer and takes our minds off of our problems. Bless you and your family. Don't give up.

Every mariage has there rocky patches, Maybe find someone to watch the kids for the weekend ,and go away (even close by but jus tthe two of you) and see if your jsut so busy with your lives that you have lost touch with why you fell in love. It might rekindle the love you once had, and probally still do.

DON'T DIVORCE. Every marriage has its peaks and valleys. My husband and I went through a similiar situation. My suggestion to you would be to go to Family Life and look up "A Weekend To Remember". That saved our marriage and made us both have to take responsibility for our part. Its not perfect but it is a starting point that helps tremendously. If the link below does not work, google it.

www.familylife.com/site/c.../b.3204559/.../Marriage_Getaw...

Try this first. Neither my husband or I wanted to go. Everything in our bodies told us to leave the conference. Make a commitment to stay there the ENTIRE time and work through it all. Then if it doesn't work, make a decision at that point. But stay for the whole conference. It will be a difficult weekend, but also a joyous one and well worth the effort and money.

Life is difficult enough without adding another demension of divorce with kids too. Trust me!

It seems as though you have a fine marriage, just need a little push to get that respect and spark flowing again and to know that you value one another. There are many testimonies when you look up "The Weekend to Remember". Just check it out and see if it is something you would consider.

In His Love,
M.

I am threatened with divorce when we fight all the time, just to hurt me, bc he knows I am a housewife, with no degree, and no means of keeping my daughter, we are in counseling.

There are government options, food stamps, families first which is the cash each month, that eventually your husband would pay back to the government, its like child support. The WIC Office, government insurance, and if you two live close enough, save the messy divorce and split custody and expenses down the middle, let your kids go see him when they want and vice versa. This will be hard, but it will get better too. there is no happy home with out a happy mom.

You go to couseling and start working on yourself maybe he might follow suit. Marrige is worth saving!! Respect is huge!!! When neither party feel un respected marriage gets very tough. Respect is a HUGE deal for the husband especially. Hang in there and get some help! Sounds like it can be saved!

Greetings M..

Maybe tough to swallow, but here goes:

Divorce should not be an option at this point. You sound like two rams going at it in this thing we call "powere struggle". You're not getting the attention you desire and he's not getting the attention he feels he's entitled to. Maybe neither of you feel like you're "in love" anymore. Most couples DON'T feel head-over-heels in love during the child rearing years, this, a proven fact. You have spent 13 years of your life with this man and you obviously loved him at some point or you wouldn't have his children.

I've been where you are. I finally hit a brick wall with my husband and I was finished. I thank God everyday that on the day I decided I was done, I heard a psychologist on the radio talking about her knew book and a light came on. The book is called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I went straight to B&N and bought it and began reading it that day. I got into the first chapter and began to get a little angry at the implications this so-called-psychologist was making. I was actually pretty pissed by the end of the first chapter and I put the book down. Then I saw this Dr. on tv and it was like she was just everywhere IN MY FACE, so I decided I'd begin reading it again. Reading this book was the BEST gift I've given to my husband and ultimately our relationship.

My husband and I will celebrate 18 years of marriage next month. We have 4 amazing children including an 8 year old profoundly handicap son, whom we adopted, a 4 year old biological daughter and 2 year old biological boy/girl twins. Our family dynamics prove we've had a lot of tough times and it's not been easy. But we learned how to get along and how to respect and appreciate one another. We still have disagreements but our arguments are different now. It is amazing, the changes I saw in my husbands attitude just by changing my attitude and behavior. I make it a point to show him everyday how much I appreciate him. I tell him everyday that I love him and I value him as a man. My husband IS the man I married. He is my husband, my best friend, and consequently, an amazing father.

Invest in this book and you will ultimately invest in your marriage. Don't take the easy way out. Divorce will damage you, your husband and your children in ways that can never be mended. Humble yourself and tell him you love him and you want this thing to work.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds to me like you guys can work this out with a little help. Go to marriagebuilders.com. There are alot of tools & information on there that can help you & it's free. If your husband won't go to counseling perhaps some of this would help you guys. There are also some books you can get from the library. His Needs Her Needs is excellent. Also, if your willing to go to counseling go by yourself. If you can't afford it look to your church. I wish you all of the best. Hang in there.

I am in a slightly similar boat only we are not married and have only been together over two years...
I would suggest call his bluff next time. If he doesn't want therapy & wants a divorce pack up you & your kids & take them to your families for a weekend. I had to do that very thing to get my boyfriend to realize we needed to see a counselor, not just for us but for our daughter. After almost a week of me enjoying peace & my daughter he eventually agreed to therapy & decided maybe he doesn't want us to split up after all.
You know what they say, "you never know what you have until it is gone".
Not having your emotions(that you cannot always help) validated & even shrugged off as hormones is very frustrating, but maybe through counseling he can realize that you have "crazy emotions" sometimes & they are not fake feelings, they are still real feelings.

bieng divorced from an abusive man I would suggest reading men are from mars wemon are frm venus. I don't know if I would jump into a divorce in your sitution You have a major lack of communication going on and he sounds like he is a commitment phobia. I am guessing hes been divorced before. I am not one that suggest counseling or doctors for everything but in your case I think it would do alot of good. If I am right and he is divorced ask him to do a divorce support group.

The only reason I am guessing he is previously divorced because of everytime it gets rocky he wants out. Prior divorced people do that. I used to do it with all the men I dated. Just my opinion take it or leave it.

People give up too easily these days on marriages. Marriage is not always filled with the love. There are years when it's hard and it doesn't feel like you're on the same page. That's why vows were made..."for better or worse..." right now y'all are in the "worse" stage. Money problems and illness are 2 huge reasons people get a divorce. Like you said, You need to feel like you're husband is your rock. I would highly recommend a marriage seminar. My husband and I have gone to 2 in our marriage (we've been married 5 years, known each other 9 years). They are a good "forced" vacation for the two of you away from your kids and you can come away with some really great tools.
We've even had an issue that most people would normally not work through, but give up and get divorced, but we worked through it. He refused to give up (I was the bad guy unforunately) and vowed not to ever get a divorce. With that attitude, we came out of it, after several months of heart ache and tears, tension and a lack of love, but came out of it so much closer and with a much stronger marriage, better communication...it's a lot better now.

If you can just stick through it and work through it, after the worst of times definitely come the best of times in your marriage.

Check out this website. http://www.laughyourway.com/ If you can't travel to one of these places where the conference is being held, there might be a church that will put this on. If you go to a church you can ask them to put this on. We did this conference through the military and it was free. It was funny, too. If you or your husband are not church people, it's really not too churchy. Some parts are quite "risque" and almost too much so for church. But he does mention God and the Bible.

There are also some great books if you are a reader...
"Fireproof Your Marriage" http://fireproofmymarriage.com/
"Love and Respect" http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/crazy_cycle.php (this has a great over view of the basic principles)

That's all I can think of for now. Just remember you took vows. And they were made for a reason. And that reason is that marriage is NOT easy! And when you work on it, you come out so much better.

)Oh and Financial Peace University would also be a great investment. Since it is very possible that alot of your stress started with the money issue.)

Good luck, I'll be praying for you. Please let me know if you need anything else.

V. Luu
____@____.com

Sounds like more or less you need to have a spark brought back into your relationship! I wouldn't jump to divorse. There are many things that you can do to help your relationship without counciling! I had a problem not to long ago with my husband and asked people on here for advice so if you want go check out my questions. I would also give you advice that worked for us if you wanted to email me. Why do you guys fight? Find the reasons and eliminate them! I hope all works out! Good luck!

I'm glad you talked and are going to try to work things out. Financial problems seem to make things harder, especialy when they are already strained. I hope everything works out for you, and I just wanted to let you know that I found a great way to bring in extra income each month with Scentsy wickless candles. It has helped us have a little more breathing room financialy. If you would like more info about Scentsy I would be happy get it to you. Good luck

Dana
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I would recommend three things. 1. Do EVERYTHING you can to save your marriage. 2. Go into counseling by yourself. 3. Talk to someone at your church (or find a church where you feel welcomed).

I would never recommend that anyone stay in an abusive relationship. The biggest thing to remember is that your children learn what a marriage is "supposed" to be by observing the two of you. Daughters learn how to be wives by watching their mothers and learn what type of husband to choose based on their fathers. The same goes for sons. Working through your marriage problems is a good example to set but you also don't want them to end up in absusive relationships either. My prayers are with you and your family.

My husband and I have faced similiar struggles, and we went to a Retrouvaille weekend in Houston (http://retrouvaille.org). You spend one entire weekend with a group of married couples, and then have follow-up sessions (in a group, not individually) for several weeks after on Sunday afternoons. It can really help rebuild communication, trust, and intimacy (which is not just sex!) in your marriage. You pay a certain amount for a deposit to reserve your spot for the weekend, but then you just pay what you can afford to give at the end of the weekend.

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Wow you have alot on your plate! I'm sorry that you are going thru very difficult times. My advice to you is you both need a retreat. Have you considered a couple's retreat? If you T. really want to save your marriage you both should be able to do anything in your power to save it! Divorce should not be a word in you all (s) vocabulary. We all have hard and very difficult times in marriage and not everyone gets a divorce. Don't become another number do something and it's obvious that the both of you need help from a third party. Don't be ashamed of getting help. Your children need the both of you together not separate. Try to work it out and please seek professional help.

The best to you,
Elisa M

There is a book called The 5 Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate. Great read! This book can really open your eyes to see why we feel the "in love" feeling is gone. I highly recommend getting it. Or just go to the bookstore and tumb thru it to se if it is something your interested in.

He doesn't have to go to counseling. You should go for your own sanity. He might go later. Oh, and all the reasons that you named are not good reasons for staying together, though they are practical.

That said, it really sounds like you two just never learned how to communicate effectively with each other. Often times we get with someone and think that mushy-gushy love is gonna be the answer to everything. There is an art to communicating with anybody--to hearing and to being heard--and you two have spent too long with no clue. Get some counseling. Ask for practical tips to communicate with your husband. Meet your immediate need of just being heard, feeling validated. Then, you can relax and pay attention to the other stuff. Good luck with that.

Because your husband is not abusive, you should not consider divorce. Your husband is mentioning divorce just to get you to stop fighting. Stop the fighting. Is it making you more attractive? When you get your point across, does it make you more appealing? He will respect you more when you become the wife he married. Go back to how you treated him when you were dating. He will respond so differently! Men are easy. They have 3 basic needs. We, on the other hand, are terribly complicated! Men try comments like divorce or our period to just get us to stop the confusion. They just want the emotional outbursts to stop. Find a good friend to vent to and get all your emotional garbage out to. Don't use your husband for that. They don't understand how we can be so emotional and they don't know what to do to help us. They are fix-it kind of creatures. Next time you feel upset, give him directions. "I am feeling really overwhelmed right now, can you give me a hug?" Your husband wants to be your knight in shining armor not your therapist. The best book on the subject with easy to follow advice is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Some parts of the book sound too easy to work, but if you just trust her years of experience dealing with real people, you will be amazed at how you can transform your husband.

If you ever wonder if divorce will be good for your kids, just ask any teacher which kids in their class are the ones with the most problems, the ones with their original 2 parents or the ones with single parents or step-parents. Be sure to let your kids see you being complimentary to your husband, being affectionate, etc. They need that security and example of what a loving marriage looks like. Fake it for now if you have to, the feelings will come back.

I'm going through the same thing. He did his over the phone from Korea. My advice is this take a break from each other. Yes separate u do deserve to be happy. Happiness right now for u is to be by yourself. I would rather see u alone and happy then with someone and be meserable most of the time. Don't stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of your children. That will only hurt them in the future. He doesn't want to go to counseling then he doesn't want to work on the marriage. It will be hard to just walk away. "A PIECE OF MIND IS PRICELESS".

Here are a couple of things my husband and I have tried that have helped with our marriage after 18 years. We try to have a date night once a month, I know times are tough and a date doesn't have to cost a lot, just spending time together, watching a movie, picnic in the part, dinner, playing Bingo, etc.
But the one thing that you might need to consider is putting GOD first. If your husband doesn't want to go to church, you might have to start and then pray he will follow. My husband and I agreed several years ago to never say the "D" word, because it gives satin ground to ruin a marriage. There is an article today from Mamasource on "Arguing in front of the kids". If you and your husband are arguing, in front or the kids or not, the kids can tell something is wrong and are being affected either way. Sometimes we stay together for the benefit of our kids, but sometimes we are doing them more harm than good. I am not saying get a divorce, but it sounds like you need to put steps to your marriage and if you really love your husband, you will make it work. I understand it takes TWO, but you maybe the one to turn your marriage around and then your husband will be the man you need him to be.

It appears like you've gotten lots of great advice, but if you ever feel the need to chat, you can send me a personal message. I've been in this same boat before and can proudly say that my husband & I are reconnecting. I can't say that we're going to live "happily ever after" because things happen in life, but at least for now we're making an honest effort and so far it's paying off. At first he refused to go to marriage counseling, but after one session, he's the one who insisted we continue with our sessions. We were also having intimacy issues because like you, I didn't feel attracted to him anymore. And let's face it, once you have children the sex isn't as often as it was before, but it is important to not lose that connection with your partner. Now we try to sneak in sex at least once a week, if not more and I must say that it's helped in reconnecting with him. But remember that as long as both of you want the marriage to work and are willing to work hard at it, then there's no reason why you can't rekindle the flame. It doesn't help when only one wants the marriage to work and not the other. Marriage is a two-way street. I've learned the hard way that my husband is not a mind reader, so yes, communication is very important! And when you have children, it becomes more important to learn how to communicate - properly. I feel your pain and I want to wish you the best, not only for your kids' sake, but for your sake as well!

I'm sure other people have said this too, but it definitely sounds like at least you could use some counseling to figure out what you really want out of the whole situation. Sounds to me like he's been acting like a jerk to you for a while now, and while it's my personality to say "eh, dump him", I couldn't even begin to say what's right for you. A counselor may be able to help you communicate with him better (even though it's not your job to "make" him not act like a jerk, just like you're not making him act that way in the first place). Sounds like you guys are under huge amounts of stress, though, and I'm sure that's not helping. Divorce may or may not turn out to be the answer, so if you can, please don't try to go through all this alone. The United Way might be able to help find affordable counseling, and also perhaps if you call a local women's counseling center or even Planned Parenthood, they might be able to point you in the right direction. It's worth a shot, at least--I don't know where else to look, but some one will.

It's really important that your kids learn good, healthy ways to interact with friends and loved ones, and right now they're not learning that at all! So, all I can say is, try to talk with them about what it means when you guys fight, and why people say mean things and why they shouldn't, and don't bad-mouth each other to them (not that I think you would, just... it's so important). Take care of yourself, don't internalize what he says to you, and, if you really do want to save your marriage, good luck! Otherwise, if you read all this and think, "gosh, I'm not sure I want to even bother," then you have your answer.

It does not sound to me like your marriage is over. That is a decision that either of you has the power to make. It is such a big decision, it shouldn't be backed into. The trouble you have is opening up your husband to the idea that therapy could be good for both of you. He may have in his mind that it will be something he will hate - either because he doesn't like talking about his feelings or because he thinks it will end up being about "beating him up" - exposing how he is the bad guy. It's true that therapy will involve talking about feelings. But the up side is that it could lead to you both being in a happy, loving marriage again.

If you have a friend or acquaintance whose marriage has been successfully healed through good marriage counseling, I would recruit her husband to talk to your husband about what good marriage counseling is really like. Hearing about the benefits from a man will make a difference - and also allow your husband to ask questions from someone who knows about what its "really" like.

I heard a story once about a woman who wanted to leave her husband,but she wanted to hurt him real bad before she did. Her preacher suggested a way. "Treat him like a king, cook meals he likes, be there for him to the point that he depends and you and then leave him. Then he will be devastated." She thought that was a wonderful idea. Six months later he asked her how did it go. She said, "How did what go?" "How did it go when you left your husband?" "Leave my husband! Why on earth would I do that? He is the most wonderful man in the world!" Sometimes just one person changing can chance the marriage. A few years ago I decided on my own without telling my husband that I was going to try going one year without a cross word. I made the whole year and then another year. Then about three months into the third year I got upset about something. I don't even remember what and I fussed. Then I told him how long it had been since we had a cross word and he had not even noticed. Men can be so dense. I know all marriages cannot make it, but so many could with effort. When we married, no one expect it to last. We knew each other eighteen days and eloped. He was twenty-one, I was fifteen. In July we will celebrate sixty-one years of marriage. We grew together. We have had our mountains and our valleys. We have survived the death of a child and now we are surviving his Alzheimers. Do everything you can to save your marriage. Children so need both parents.

Maybe a trial seperation will help him come to his senses and go to counseling. I seperated a year ago, rented out the house and moved to an apt. My part time job pays my rent and utilities, that's about it. Child support pays the daycare. It hasn't been easy, but I have peace of mind and am confident a full time job will come along eventually. I'm hoping to go back to school (grad) this summer, to ensure that I have a full time job. Credit went down the tubes, but I'm okay with it. I think we are both happier for it overall. When they are unwilling to keep their end of the deal, they don't leave us much choice. Good Luck and follow your instincts.

Hello Mommy L,

Things are bound to get better...sooner than later. I recommend that you and hubby plan a date...outside of home. See if someone (a friend of family member) can watch the children for a few hours or even one night. Go to a nice (inexpensive) restuarant, and acknowledge things that you need to work on...then his turn....and find a common ground or solution that can assist in the reconcilation process.

If funds are tight...try to make it a once a month thing. This will give you and him...something to look forward to.

You may find that 'For better or worse' can begin to look better... daily.

Be Encouraged,

You two need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Everyone has an argument every now and then and it is healthy for your relationship providing it doesn't turn abusive however it seems to me that you two have a lot going on right now with filing for bankrupcy, him not making enough money to support you both on your own etc. When we get in these situations we always think the grass will be greener on the other side and sometimes it is and sometimes it is not. Sit him down and tell him your fears and explain if you two don't work on this marriage and file for a divorce he will be forced to pay child support and in Texas you could possibly get alimony for a few years. You will have to find full time employment and the disruption with the children. Tell him the marriage is worth fighting for and to please consider conseling. It doesn't hurt to try it and see if it will work for you. It is up to you and your husband to set an example with your children that no matter what you will try to make it work and if it doesn't then you go to the next step. Don't stay in a marriage just for the children as that isn't good either. Your children are not stupid and they sense the tension between the two of you and don't want to be around that tension either. They love you both and don't want a divorce but trust me it there is no other alternative your children will already know. Everything does work out in the long run but I can't see any couple not trying and fighting to salvage their marriage so at least you can both say you gave it your all. Maybe there is some depression with all that has been going on especially your husband. I hope you don't throw in his face the fact you two had to file bankrupcy. Nothing makes a man feel worse than to add more on top of it. He I am sure isn't feeling like the man he thinks he should be at this time and needs your suport. On the other hand you need his as well. You can't say let's get a divorce everytime something goes wrong. That is just a cop out but you need to sit and talk and find out is this truly what he wants. If he does then why stay in a marriage like that? As for family and only being able to stay with them a while, that is what family is for. Sure it isn't comfortable for all involved but it does pass and everyone needs to be there for each other. Right now it is a tough economy and tough finding full time employement but it may just be found. Please stay with communicating. It seems that has passed. You didn't say what your arguments are about but I hope it isn't money and your financial situation. Those need to be discuss. What has happen there has happened and the two of you need to work together to make it better. Sometimes we feel entitlement in our situations but that is not so. If you have to go back to work full time to help out then do so. If he needs to stop saying he wants a divorce every few weeks then he needs to do so and so forth. Life is to short to just throw it away and not work on it. But believe me if it comes to that point where nothing else will work but a divorce, you will survive and make it in life. I don't think sometimes that we stop to think that divorce is always the answer to our problems and sometimes your problems will just begin after a divorce. Moving, getting full time employment, paying child support, visitation, dating etc. things that will really change your life and put it on a tight schedule. .So many times I have heard couples after a divorce say looking back they would have worked a little harder, do it before something happens. Don't cave in though and stick to what you believe but be flexible and remember why you two go together in the first place. You must have loved one another and look at the life you have now with your beautiful children etc. I wish you luck but remember no matter what you will make it and all will turn for the best on whatever final decision you two make.

Opinions are I dime a dozen, but here's mine...

I know he may SAY he's never cheated, but you never really know. The fact that he keeps dropping the D word may be a sign, even if you would NEVER EVER EVER suspect it. ANd the fact that you guys are having money pros doesn't help. THe kids, the money, the fighting, all of that takes an emotional toll and can slowly eat away at your realtionship. Thers is no reason that you 2 should reamin miserable and put a front on for the kids, it will just lead to more resentment later on...

Do you guys attend church? I'm not saying it will fix everything, but it would help in a number of ways...it would give you a place find adult friends, it would also help to open up a dialoge about what's really important to both of you, and it would also give you a chance to get counseling without really going to "counseling" if you know what I mean...

I've been divorced and am remarried for almost 10 yrs with a toddler, and we've been thru it all, so if you would like to chat or need a freind, drop me a line:}

Please, Please get the movie FIREPROOF :) There is also a workbook.
will do wonders!

Honestly, marriage is of God. Talk to your pastor/minister/reverend. I have read the other answers on here and they are giving great advice! BUT be prayerful before making that decision/mistake and I will pray for you also sister!

I don't know if you guys go to church or not, but maybe that is an option for you. That can definetly make things different. There are several books out there, like the Love Dare book. which is amazing. There is also praying for my husband. etc. This could work, it just has to be worked at.

LOVE AND RESPECT!!!! find the DVDs, or I could meet up with you and you can borrow ours. If you belong to a church, they might possibly have a set. Its wil Dr. Emerson Eggrich and are truly amzing and help so much. You could watch the DVDs together or just you, since you mentioned he doesnt want "counseling". These DVDs saved my marriage, and my parents. My in-laws watch them once a year to refresh their minds with the love and respect needed. Let me know if you enjoy the series!

I wonder why he hates fighting so much. I think finding that out would be interesting. Did his parents fight really bad and divorce? Is he afraid that fighting means that the love is over. Learning to fight well is really important because the likelihood of fights between people under one roof is very high. Life just gets hectic and crazy and emotions run high and there you go, perfect recipe for a good fight. Fights can be good to uncover stuff that was laying there un-dealt with. The fact he always brings up divorce when you fight seems to be a pressing issue. So maybe when you aren't fighting ask about why he hates fighting so much and see what he says about it. What do you hate about it? I think avoiding fights is pretty near impossible but learning to fight fair is important and not feeling like your marriage is ending over a fight is super important. How does it make you feel when he says he wants a divorce, in a non fighting moment tell him. Do you want a divorce? I don't think either of you really do because here you are pouring out your heart and hurting and there he is saying it, but not doing it. If either of you really wanted it you would probably make it happen. It sounds to me like he is scared when you fight that he is losing you and just can't make you happy. They freak when they think they can't make us happy because that is like a basic husband task in their minds. Also you guys have been through so much financially and he may be feeling like a loser and thinking that you secretly resent him for not being a better provider, another basic task to them. So I think telling him how much you don't want a divorce and being vulnerable is great start. Also if you are upset with him because of the money stuff, forgive him. If you forgive and make yourself vulnerable you do risk getting hurt, but you also have a chance to get back to a great marriage. I know you feel the love is dwindling but just think of one good thing about him, and love him for that, like those beautiful kids he gave you. I truly believe your marriage can make it! There is a movie called Fireproof, you might like it, it shows the reality of a marriage on the brink of divorce and how they came through it. It really is good and shows how just one person in the marriage can make a difference. Marriage takes two, but sometimes the two take turns. One is strong when the other is weak. I know you need him to be your rock but when the rock is shaken sometimes we actually come to their rescue. Hang in there and I truly hope it all works out.

LOVE and RESPECT... get the book! It will be the best thing you ever did!