Hello mamas and papas,
Recently, I have noticed that my 5 year old son often seems to be fishing for compliments. Here is just one example. This afternoon, he was putting his cup on the kitchen counter. I had just finished vaccuuming and was putting the cord away, when I heard him say, "Look, even I'm sick, I'm going to be a good example. I' m still going to clean up the water I spilled on my chair." Although, I think the words he chose are probably not that bad on their own, it was more the way he said it to me. If he had simply been muttering the words to himself, I might not have had such an issue with it. However, he said it to me twice. Now, I want him to have self-confidence, and understand how to be a good example to others, but he came across almost arrogant sounding in how he stressed the words.
As for his comment on being sick. He currently has a slight fever and runny nose. I usually make him take it easy when he has a fever and runny nose because getting a cold is a trigger for his asthma. However, I still expect him to do his normal household helping that involves taking care of himself. (putting his dishes on the counter, putting his garbage in the trash, and cleaning up any water that he may have spilt while washing hands, brushing teeth, etc...)
Usually I just ignore the comments he makes when he sounds like he is fishing for compliments. Ignoring him when he starts whining, or begging has really curbed those two negetive behaviors quite well with him. It doesn't seem to be working on this though. Gradually, over the last few weeks his fishing for compliments seems to be increasing. I try to praise his actions, ability on something, or his helpfulness when he does something well, but I don't want to praise him when he sounds like he is bragging. So today, I sat him down and asked him why he said that to me. He couldn't give me an answer. Then I asked him what he was supposed to do when he made a mistake. I told him that I was happy that he cleaned up his mess, but that he forgot one of the important steps to fixing something when we make a mistake. I reminded him that he needs to say sorry when he makes a mistake. Then I told him that maybe it would have sounded nicer to say something like, "I' m sorry mom. I spilled my water, but I'm going to clean it up now." I explained how saying it that way, would have allowed me the chance to notice he did something helpful, without sounding like he was bragging.
What would you do to correct the bragging and fishing for compliments? I'd like to point out that it isn't always when he makes a mistake and tries to fix it, that he sounds like he is fishing for compliments. Sometimes it is when he is just showing me his artwork, or after he helped me with folding laundry. Now I would love to be able to say thank you to him for helping me or to compliment his artwork how I think it is good, but he seems to want to take away the chance for anyone to notice and say thank you to him or that he has done well. It's just so frustrating because I want to praise him, but recently he beats me to the punchline, so to speak. So mamas and papas, do you have any good ideas how to correct this behavior?
Thank you in advance,
D.
Thank you mamas. I just want to say that I asked this question because it was a change from what he has been doing. He is a great helper around the house. I rarely have to tell him to clean up is toys, clean up his room, or to clean up his messes. He usually does it on his own without saying things like he did today. I usually smile and say thank you to him. I also praise him, but not in a general sense. I usually try to be specific in my praise for him when I am giving him a compliment. Some examples might be,"I'm happy when you help me, because then we have more time to do fun things." "Don't you feel happy that you could make your bed all by yourself?" "Because you cleaned your room up, it is easier to find what you want to play with." "Because you practiced your ABCs so hard, look what you were able to do. You read this interesting book. Wasn't that fun?" "I really like how you used many different sized shapes to decorate the train in your picture." "Because you folded your t-shirts and put them away, you can find the shirt you wanted to wear easily." When I am talking with someone else about him in front of him, I might be more general and say something like, "My son is a good helper. He tries to be a good example." And I am big on saying thank you to him when he does do something I expect. I usually give him a lot of my attention during the day. But whenever I had to correct him for misbehaving, the time out thing really didn't work for us. He has always been a talker. I guess it comes from me reading 15+ books to him from when he was only 6 months old and just talking to him so much from when he was a baby. Our form of disciplining has been ignore the bad stuff and redirect, usually using yoga now or counting, or problem solving by talking about feelings and what if we try this... I didn't mean to imply that I was ignoring him flat out.
I see that my son might be out of the normal for his age in doing things without being told. I put lots of effort into making cleaning up fun and part of playing when he was little that I guess he doesn't ever remember not cleaning up. I hope that I am not expecting too much from him. I definitely do not want to be overly controlling. My mother did that to me, and I don't want to do that to him. I will try to be a little less worried about it, and maybe just give him an ok when he sounds like he did today.
Thank you for pointing out that he might be feeling insecure about something. I have been a little busier than usual with some church related things these last few weeks that I haven't spent as much time with him as I usually do. That could be part of it, on top of him not feeling well. I'll be sure to thank him tomorrow for being so quiet while I was working on church stuff recently.
Thank you and keep the advice coming. In many ways I didn't have an easy childhood, and my examples for parenting are not what I want to do with my own son. I have done a lot of reading and praying about how to be a good parent. I truly appreciate all your wonderful advice.
Yup, totally normal for a 5year old. Even normal for a 10 year old. Just agree with him, like Dawn said. No correction needed, although it may be a little annoying, you are looking at it as if he was an adult saying these things. He's saying these things out loud to get reaffirmation that what he is doing is the right thing, don't squash it. Kids need constant feedback, and there's nothing wrong with that :)
I have to tell you that I think you are thinking of him in terms of him being much older than he is in regards to "correcting" the bragging and fishing for compliments. I want to URGE you to change your way of thinking.
He needs your compliments and he needs to brag right now. He is 5, not 10. He is internalizing what he is supposed to be doing in the household. How he is supposed to feel about contributing to the household, and how he should feel about himself for having done it. Before this, you did for him exclusively. He realizes that he is a bigger boy now because you are asking for him to do certain things, he feels the expectation from you to do things for himself and for you. And he is dealing with it in the best way he knows how - talking about it to himself and to you.
LET HIM.
So what if he beats you to the punch to praise him? Say to him "Yes, you DID help mommy! Thank you very much for cleaning up your spilled water. I really like how you thought to do that without me even telling you!"
If you do this instead of trying correct him, he will feel loved and respected and want to continue to grow and try. As his little mind matures, he will stop bragging and talking to himself about it naturally and you two will have more mature conversations about his contributions to the household.
If you try to squash this, he will not understand what he is doing wrong because he is not mature enough to understand. He will just know that you are unhappy with him, and he will grow to feel that he can't do anything to please you. Later he will not WANT to please you, and then you'll be fussing at him to pick up his plate, put his underwear in the hamper, etc.
Be HAPPY that he is doing this. There are 5 year olds everywhere not lifting a finger to help, or having mini-meltdowns when asked to. You are one lucky mom.
Dawn
I think you're being awfully hard on a 5 year old. This would be in appropriate in an older child. At 5? Good for him. Give him the validation that he is seeking. He is verbalizing his cognitive awareness of what the right thing to do is, of the behavior that's desirable. Reinforce that with acknowledging what he is thinking and doing. You don't have to be over the top about it, but a simple "thank you for doing that, I appreciate your cleaning up your own mess" would suffice. And FWIW I don't think apologies are in order for all mistakes. Spilling water in a kitchen isn't something to apologize for - it's something one should clean up, but do you apologize to your husband or kids every time you drop an egg on the floor or spill something? Or do you only apologize if you drop or spill something ON someone or damage something that belongs to someone else in the process?
Amen, Dawn!
He's 5.
Celebrate WITH him. I think I see your point, but it sounds a little like a control issue for you. He sounds like a good kid.
I think he just wants your approval.
Something is making him feel a bit insecure and he wants some extra assurance from you.
I always tell my son what a great helper he is (and he gets a hug/kiss/snuggle with it too).
It's very very likely he doesn't 'fish' with everyone, he just does it for you.
Your son is 5.
He's learning a lot right now.
He's not understanding why you seem to be pulling away and distancing yourself.
As they get older and have more of a sense of themselves, they'll do their own pulling away - usually in the teen years.
Right now, enjoy your little boy and don't feel like he's fishing or bragging.
He just want's Mama to tell him he's a good boy and you love him and there's nothing wrong with that.
He sounds like a wonderful little guy!
I don't see that his behavior needs to be corrected. I do, however, think your attitude needs a bit of adjustment.
He's proud of a job well done! Nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you want him to wait to see what everyone else's opinion is. He doesn't really care. He's obviously proud and he wants you to know it.
My little GD will say "Look, grandma, I put my empty bowl in the sink!" I don't think she's bragging - she wants me to know that she has learned what to do with her dirty dishes. I can't imagine sitting her down for a talking-to because of that.
You need to figure out why he is doing it, not what worked for us.
It almost sounds to me like he is compliment driven, like he would do nothing if he wasn't complimented. The other thing is would you really have complimented him for cleaning up after himself? I ask because I never complimented my kids for things they are expected to do, I did compliment them for being a good kid in general. Perhaps if you keep it in the general he won't expect a compliment for every little thing.
I only read your first paragraph, but if something like that comment bothered me, I would probably say, "Yep, even when we are sick we still have to help...good job".
i think exactly what you said to him was great.. i think if he says something like that when hes not making a mistake.. something like look mom i put my toy away (you know something hes supposed to do) .. i think u should just say ok.. not ignoring but not praise either.. he'll get the message
-on an unrelated note when i read the title of your question the first thing i thought of are those god awful girls on face book who have 9,482 profile pictures of themselves and everytime they post one its like "omg im so ugly, or im so fat, or ew i hate this picture" .. just so they can get someone to say omg no thats so pretty ... come on now really??? yeah u totally think your ugly/fat/&hate pictures of yourself thats why you post them every single freakin day
I am sorry I am a little late on this one, so I'm not sure if anyone mentioned that hearing words of affirmation may be one of his primary love languages? That and acts of service may be another as he is more than willing to do things for you without being asked to. Love languages comes from the book the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Basically it boils down to people receive or feel loved in different ways, Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts. What they say or do for others in order to show their love is usually an indicator of what their love language is and it shows what they want in return. When they aren't feeling loved because no one has been speaking their love language, they will usually complain about it or go fishing for it. For example, if you hear, "We never spend enough time together." Their love language is quality time. Or "You never bring me flowers", their love language is gifts. Someone who always wants to be holding hands, putting their arms around each other, hugging, etc. their love language is probably touch. "I wish you would help me more around the house", is Acts of Service.
As someone probably mentioned, he is could also be feeling insecure about something, too. Good luck. The joy of parenting is being able to figure out issues as they occur and being able to adapt and change to meet the changing dynamics in the relationship with your child! It sounds like you are doing a great job of staying in tune with his needs!
Hi D.,
Kids are so over-praised nowadays that they expect recognition for everything. I think it's important to point out to your son when he makes a comment like that, that cleaning up when he spills is what is expected. Let him know that you do things for everyone else every day, and don't get recognition and praise for it. Teach him that praise and recognition are meant for going above and beyond, doing something special. Teach him the difference between expected and exceptional. Also, if your son is in school, teachers tend to point out kids doing the right thing so that others will develop the same good habits. I get the feeling this is happening with him, since you say he used the expression "setting a good example." Teach him that the teacher is pointing this out in the classroom so that the other children do the right thing too (raise their hands, push in their chairs) but that at home, you're not going to point out every single thing that he's done because he isn't role modelling there. He probably doesn't understand why he gets praised for these simple actions in school and not at home. He is old enough to learn the difference.
