How to Communicate with My Sister in Law That Is Not Very Nice?

eh, I would continue to invite her to certain family functions, but wouldn't invest anymore thought or time in her past that. If she shows, she shows, if not, then whatever. Don't invest emotion in it. :)

I'm just going to point out the obvious here:

if the relationship hasn't improved over 23 years, I doubt it will.
Let her do what she wants. You can issue invitations to things via email and then, let it go. Or have your husband be the primary contact with her.

How important is this to your husband, or are you the only one who is wanting to see more of her? Something to consider.

Why do you care what her friends think of you? Better to focus on being the person you want to be and not the opinions of others.

Lastly, you don't know what went on in their family while they were growing up.She may have a reason for needing space; she may just have a terrible outlook and attitude. I can tell you from my own experience (there is a branch of family which says some pretty terrible stuff about me), developing a sense of personal integrity that has NOTHING to do with others opinions is important. If you can look in the mirror at the end of the day and know you did your best, tried to do the right/honorable thing,and have the ability to be honest with yourself-- that is far more important than anyone's opinion. I'd let things go, personally. Be friendly but don't expect anything from her.

ETA: Well said, Margie! :)

You can't make her want to be involved. The only thing you can do is invite her. Invite her over for dinner or over to your house for a cookout. I don't know if you have kids or not, but you can invite her to come with you to your child's school music performance or to a soccer game or something.

If she is saying that her friends are her family, then these are the people she is closest to. It's not all that uncommon for people in their 20's (maybe even into their 30's) to feel that way.

You can't worry about what her friends are saying. It sounds like she and your husband don't have a great relationship. Maybe he needs to be reaching out to her and trying to mend their relationship. It's ok for her friends to be on her side. They are trying to support their friend. This isn't about them. This is about your husband and his sister.

You can't make her want to be more involved with the family. The only thing you can do is to keep the door open to her and stay positive.

Let it go. You can't make her like you or love you.Why would you want this unhealthy person to be close to your family? She would only bring negative drama.

Don't concern yourself with the opinions of her friends. If they are too shallow to get to know you for themselves then they can be dysfunctional together and you and your family don't have to participate in the dysfunction.

You don't have to be mean or anything but yourself but that doesn't equal begging her for a relationship with you and your family. Her mind is set, "her friends are her family" and that's fine. She gets to choose.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

She has resisted your overtures for years (20+), she has told you that her friends are her family (meaning you aren't, exactly - at least not on the same level), she's condescending every time she speaks to you, and her friends don't like you. (And of course they only hear her side! They are HER friends and you don't get to present a "side" to them.)

What exactly are you thinking you can say that will change this? If she's unreasonable, hurt, toxic, or whatever, there is no magic thing you can say that will change this. It doesn't sound, from your post, like there's one particular incident that caused this (for which you could apologize), then there is something very deep-seated that is driving her. For over half your life, she has been this way. If there were a magic phrase, you'd have found it by now.

What exactly do you think she can add to your life to make it more rewarding? Not much, at least not now.

At this point, you're just feeding her drama and her sense of whatever (superiority, hurt, victimization...). So stop. Don't write a "farewell" note or say anything, just stop contacting her. Either she will miss you over time, or she won't. Either way, you will have peace.

Let your husband handle any relationship with her that he wants to have, and you take a back seat. If Thanksgiving rolls around and he wants to invite her, fine. But let this thing cool off a whole lot.

She's just not that into you.
Let this go.
I have a sister that I have nothing to do with.
Her idea of a 'relationship' is to bicker and argue - she wants a sparring partner - and I've had enough - growing up with her was torture.
What ever this sister in laws reasons are - real or imagined - she doesn't want to socialize with you.
Life's too short to deal with that.
Just let her go and be happy without her.

Well you haven't written anything nice about her here. You say she's not very nice, is condescending, and she's difficult to talk to. You also don't like her attitude about family.

She probably senses all this. That you think she is in the wrong. That can put a person off.

My MIL has endless issues with my husband (and me, by default). Yet she wants us to be very involved with her. I don't get it. Why would we want to hang out with someone who has problems with us? We'd rather be with people who like and accept us as is.

That's my guess.

Why do you care if she's not likeable/not nice? Why do you want her in your life? She's your husband's sister. The relationship in question is between your husband and her. I would leave it to them. If neither of them are going to work at it, or don't feel like being close, accept it and let it be.

Usually when we stop forcing relationships - they have a way of working out. At least for the better.

Nope. I'd stop trying to get her involved. She doesn't want to be part of your family. Can't make her do anything. Instead spend your time and energy on the people that are important in your life.

As far as her friend not having a good opinion of your and your husband? I wouldn't bother worrying about it. People who are dramatic tend to surround themselves with those who share their opinions so even if you were able to talk to her friends they'd still be taking her side. Trust me, not worth your time and energy.

I wouldn't try to mend anything or anyone.

Instead, I encourage you to simply concentrate your efforts on being respectful, kind, and polite. Just be the person you wish your sister-in-law was. Don't have a goal of an improved relationship, or a good and healthy relationship. Instead, just behave in a civilized way. Try not to label her actions as condescending or anything else. Look inward and act in kindness. If your actions are ignored, rebuffed, or refused, that's her choice. You may not be able to change anything within her, or with the family relationships.

J.,

Welcome to mamapedia.

You realize you can't change her, right?
She's your husband's sister. If their relationship is damaged? It's on HIM to fix/repair it. NOT YOU.
If you damaged your relationship with her? Then yes, you should try and make amends. If she's not open to it? Then you know you tried.

You can't make someone have a relationship with you. You can invite her to family functions but you can't make her attend.

Good luck!

You can't form a good relationship with someone who does not want the same. It sounds like your SIL has been very upfront about it. If she doesn't want more communication you will have to accept it.

Take a page from her book and turn your focus into creating a family within your community, with your friends. Family is not restricted by blood links or legal status. Family is made up of the people who like you and support you, and who you like and support in return.

Leave it alone. She is trying over and over to tell you in multiple ways that she doesn't want to be part of your family. I'm sorry about that for you, but you need to stop caring.

Is she really not a nice person, or is she just not nice to you? You make it clear you don't like her and you don't respect the fact that her friends are her family (this is true of many people, especially those without a strong bond blood family), so maybe the way she acts towards you is because of how you treat her and not the other way around? Of course there are always 3 sides to every story, but I would take a good look at my own behavior and try to see things from the other persons point of view before just assuming they are the problem. Communication (non-judgmental communication) can go a long way if you are really open to seeing your own faults as well, not just hers.

If I had invited someone to my family events and that person was condescending towards me or worse my children or others, I would not want them more involved in my family. It sounds like she does not like you and your husband, sorry. What does your husband say about his sister? I think you can tell him you're disappointed she has chosen to be distant, and you wish things were better. But I think you have to take your cues from your husband. If he's not interested in mending the relationship, you may want to let go for the most part. If you're still inclined to keep reaching out to her, I'd try sending a card for her birthday, or inviting her out to lunch now and then. Wait awhile before asking her over to spend time with your kids or to go to one of their events. Maybe there is something in her life you can help support. Hopefully, she will come around and maybe if her life is a lot different from yours you can start to build some mutual appreciation and understanding. If you're up to that, I'd take it slow and see how it goes. If she's still not very nice, you just have to accept that as her choice and focus on surrounding yourself with more positive people.

ya don't. she sounds like a toxic person and i would not want her around. i would invite her to the necessary things and not bother with her and her toxicity when not needed.

Did something happen in the last 20+ years between you that requires mending? If yes, and you've been trying all this time, then putting in more effort is probably not going to work. If no, and you've been trying to develop/grow a relationship all this time, then putting in more effort is probably not going work either. Do she and your husband have a good relationship, or is she standoffish with both of you? Is he bothered by any of this, and is he asking you do fix it? I am thinking the best thing to do is be polite and cordial when you see her/talk to her but don't keep putting energy into this.