How to Break the Cycle...

I applaud you!!! Once my lil guys are a bit older I would like to volunteer at a shelter on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. Just so they know how fortunate and blessed they are. We may not be able to buy them much for presents or do fun exciting weekends, but they have a home, clothes, 2 loving parents, food, doctors when they need it and some toys. They should know that all of that makes them "richer" than the vast majority of the world. it seems much of society now have self entitlement issues. they want what they want and they want it right now, and they think the world should just give it to them. they dont want to hear and form of criticism, instead only want praise. it is so sad sometimes!

Honestly I never had a charity birthday party and I managed to raise two so far that by age are part of the me generation but don't exhibit that sense of entitlement.

It was a lesson taught me when my now 21 year old was in kindergarten. Her soccer team worked their butts off. They learned skills, strategy, they did not play herd ball. They decimated every team they played and at the end they had this huge ceremony. Every team got the same dinky trophy. She got in the car, almost in tears and asked why did we work so hard if we were only going to get the same trophy as everyone else?

I told her I don't know. I also reminded her how it felt when she scored, was she thinking about the size of her trophy. Poor thing, five years old and I was explaining to her about personal victory.

I wonder how many kids in this me generation had that lecture at such a young age.

She didn't always succeed so by the time she got her first B in second grade she got the you cannot understand success without failure lecture.

She hated me at 14 for making her always stand on her own to feet, only having her back never making decisions. She thanked me for it after coming home from her first semester at college. She said thank you for not making me helpless like these other kids.

So what I am saying is don't deny them their birthdays and holidays, those to not make kids self centered. What makes them self centered, helpless, entitled is telling them they are always right, that they are perfect, that they are special.

*steps down off soapbox*

I agree. The younger generation has this attitude of entitlement and it is because of the way we raise them. They don't have any clue about working hard, the value of a dollar, starting at the bottom and working your way up (paying your dues, so to speak). I think the way not to have your kids turn out like that is to make them work for what they want rather than to hand it to them, to not get them everything they want, and to start when they are babies teaching respect. All kids think they need cell phones and parents are right there with them getting them phones because they walk to school or some other nonsense. Kids have walked to school and everyplace else without a phone for hundreds of years. Why do ours need phones? And those expensive video games that have absolutely no positive value, but parents still squeeze the money out of tight budgets to buy their kids one. Why? Because other kids have them? Just go back to the basics, the way you were raised and don't worry that your kid doesn't have a phone or an iPod or whatever else. They will survive and they will be better people for not having whatever they want handed to them.

Just say NO. I really think part of the issue is the "but everybody else has one". I've seen it both ways where "everybody" was only a handful of their friends, and the other where "everybody" was 90% of their classmates. My kids wanted texting - no way. My kids wanted video games - no way. My kids wanted ipods, they earned them by getting good grades, doing chores, and community service.

They've always known that they can ask Santa for the world, but that they won't be getting everything on their list.

I beleive that showing them charity and participating in community service helps to create good citizenship. However, my oldest daughter does and average of 15 hours of community service a month, but she stills has the "me" and "entitlement" attitude. It's just become a part of our culture.

What a great question! One of the things I did with my daughter was to just let her see and hear my thoughts and actions around need and giving. What sinks in is the parents' attitudes, especially if these are backed up by choices the parents make. It becomes apparent as the child grows older and you can ask him or her what she would do about some hypothetical situation, or why you think people, especially children like them, are cheerful/grouchy/hungry/rich/responsible/not/whatever.

A really practical technique is a division of allowance. In our home, my daughter was allowed to spend half her allowance as she wished, and save the other half. She had to get my approval before spending any of her savings, and we'd talk about the importance of whatever it was she wanted. I allowed her to have real say in these decisions, but I could generally convince her to save for something of more lasting value if I disagreed with her wishes.

But an even better approach, that I sure wish I had thought of, is a three-way split in allowance, in which a third of it (or 10% in many households) is reserved for a charity of the child's choice.

I also took my little girl on an organized outing to visit orphanages and a community that lived off the garbage dumps in Tijuana, Mexico. It was an eye-opening and memorable experience for all of us. I know families here who take their children to visit schools organized for homeless children, or volunteer at food pantries or soup kitchens. It's amazing to listen to a homeless child share the story of her life, usually in a buoyant, positive and hopeful voice.

Kids learn by example. However, at 5 and 2 it is pretty hard for them to get
it. They are pretty self centered at that age. You just keep doing things,
like the charity parties, helping at a soup kitchen, shopping for children
with terminal or life threatening illnesses and their families. Not just toys,
but food, clothes school supplies etc. They will get it as they watch you.
I was so very, very ill when my kids were growing up if they wanted something, they worked for it. They bought their own clothes early on. My
daughter started working at a horse farm in return for lessons (she was
also paid) and then the boys starting doing hay etc. there too. They were
paid appropriately for their ages. When our medical bills took over, they
stepped up to the plate. In the end it all paid off because they are now
and were at a very young age self sufficient. We felt so bad but in the end
if was OK. If there were special jeans or sneakers or something that they
wanted they bought it. Please do not think we made them buy all of the
necessities.

Just don't give them EVERYTHING.
Honestly, you can get SO much just from playing with a cardboard box.
Don't let them turn the tv /computer on without asking first and limit how much they watch.
Read to them - a LOT.
They'll be fine!

Your children probably know more than you think and more sinks in than you will EVER realize....

My children "earn" their way. They don't just get an allowance - they EARN it.

My boys started getting an allowance at age 5.

They also know to give to others who are less fortunate. It's not forced. It's something they do from their heart.

They can go to a food bank with you and see the people who need help. When they get older - maybe volunteer time at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving and they will see first hand what their good deeds do.

My kids write up their list for Santa but they also know they aren't going to get everything on their list. they also have been taught to donate what they don't play with anymore to the local clothes closet - charity center. There is nothing wrong with the items, there's no sense in throwing them away. So we give them to a charity. We also buy new toys for Toys for Tots.

Model the behavior you want to see. That's the best way to do it. They will mimic your behavior.

It is embedded in the modeling you do. Kids do what they see their parents do, so start there first. If they see you speaking kindly to strangers in public, they will start speaking kindly to them too. If they see you cheerfully donating items to charities, friends, other causes, they will give cheerfully as well. If they see you handle conflict with grace and diplomacy, they will learn how to do it also. If they see you working hard and completing tasks not matter how challenging, they will group up knowing perseverance. So much ugliness, sarcasm and disrespect is embedded in our society, we sometimes don't even take the time to notice it. Even joking around with others can take on a snarkiness when we don't even mean it mean-spiritedly. Always laugh with others and not at them.
It doesn't matter how many times you take your kids to a shelter or soup kitchen. It doesn't matter how big the check is you write to a charity or even tithe at church, it is about reflecting God's beauty and really stopping to think about how you present yourself to others. Everybody is watching from your friends to the students in your class to your small children. You decided what you want them to see and everything else falls into place.
God Bless,
A.

I think at their ages, it's kind of hard to teach the concepts you want them to know. But you certainly can lay a foundation by talking about the poor. But what do children that have everything know of being poor? I do think if you are a giver all of their lives and they see you doing for others, it will sink in. It may not seem like it at first. Kids have a way of wandering out there for awhile and trying to make their own way before they come back around and understand what we taught them.

L.,

Mamas on Call recently had a great post on how "Affluenza" is affecting kids. It's worth reading:

http://mamasoncall.com/2011/11/does-your-child-have-afflu...

I think part of 'teaching lessons' is that we have to model what charity looks like. You can go through your cupboards and make up a bag of canned goods to donate, or drop off your own lightly used clothes at a women's shelter.

You can also find a Santa tree or donate gifts to your local charity gift drive or coat drive. Bring your five year old on the shopping trip and explain what's happening. If he wants something, let him choose some pencils or stickers, something small--one for him, and one for little brother.

So much of what I read about teaching children 'lessons' seems to be focused on the kids. I believe that what we model in our daily lives--and how we treat those less-advantaged than we are-- has so much to do with how our children will grow to perceive those who are in need.

It sounds like you really want to help your kids have a good attitude toward how much they do have. It's often difficult for kids your boy's ages to appreciate what they do have, but you are on the right track.

PS-- I almost forgot--thank you notes after the holiday gifts. Just a little picture on paper that they create, and a nice "thanks for the toy" is sufficient. It's just the act of remembering to thank someone beyond the momentary 'thanks', which is often forgotten by the kids immediately. Yes, I thought it was a chore too as a kid, but it's worth taking the time to teach. If someone takes the time to do something kind or buy a gift for someone, it's right to thank them.

Keep your life simple and pure. Don't allow all the hype and no tv. Make more things instead of buying. Keep plastics to a minimum don't allow character toys like bat man or any of that kind of thing. Fill them with story and rhymes and verses and the charming and magical things of childhood. Keep their childhood in tact as long as possible. Keep an order of each day being for something, for example Monday is muffin day, Friday is watercoloring day etc. This gives them a sense of security and knowing what to expect.

Putting on them donating and all at this tender age can have a reverse affect in the long run. Just lead by example.

"Don't allow anything in your life that you don't want reproduced in your children's lives." ---unknown

Well, with the older one, you can start giving him opportunities to "earn" items he wants... he will start to see that it isn't all just "gimme, gimme, gimme.....".

If possible, and I don't know what would be available in your area, is there some way you can have him help you on some kind of "mission" project? Something that benefits others? At his age, that may be hard to find...

Another thing you could do is to start making a point of picking up litter as you walk in you parks, or even on your street.... and talk about how we need to take care of our town, our parks, our environment... these activities may all help him to see beyond his own wants.

Good luck!