How to Answer the Question of Is He Your One and Only? Are You Having Another?

When people ask me if Im having more kids, I always say 'not today', lol. They tend to stop there. Theres no reason to explain you whole life to someone you dont know well.

To me it was a simple, don't know, I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

It seems like when you start embellishing, trying to cover all the bases, people see it as a discussion and start asking more questions.

I'm in a similar situation, and my standard reply is "yes, she's my one and only." If it goes to the "you and hubby don't want another?" point, then I usually reiterate that I never say never but that it appears she's going to be my one and only. I generally do not answer the "and hubby" part or go beyond that with casual acquaintances, as I think it is kind of a rude question. So, I give the basic info required to answer it but do not invite additional dialogue.

I once told my son, "You turned out so great, we figured you'd be a hard act to follow." This probably wouldn't work well for random nosy queries from other adults, but the kid liked hearing it. And it's true.

1. Yes, I have one son who I love very much.

2. No, since there isn't a Mr. B in the picture, at this time I am not in the position to be making the decision one way or the other to have more kids.

3. Your son has the right to mourn not having a sibling. Don't be upset at the teacher. Help your son not to feel so alone. Friends, extended family (cousins), pets, all can be a balm in this situation. Also, at this point, in the situation you are in, I think it is okay to explain in an age appropriate way that it isn't a wise decision to have another child. It wouldn't be responsible of you to do so.

4. Don't take the possibility of having a sibling off the table unless you know 100% that you will never meet the perfect man, who loves your son like his own, and decide to make a baby with him. There was a time when I insisted that I would NEVER get married again. Love changes us.

ETA: I do not agree with the "We got it right the first time, so we don't need to try for another" response. While you might think you're complimenting your son, you're actually insulting everyone who has decided to have more than one. I'm sorry, I didn't "get it wrong" with my first and decide to have a second, better child to see if I could "get it right" the second time. That's not how it works at all.

There are many reasons to have one child. Frankly, it is no one else's business why you have one or more children. There are also people who put labels on you - people see me with DD and just think I'm her mom and then they find out I'm also a stepmom and suddenly some people think I'm a homewrecker and...I just can't be responsible for their reactions. I am who I am. I am not going to hide in a corner because I'm a stepmom. Nobody in DD's class needs to know that DH doesn't want another child so we are done. Etc. So I often try to deflect. "Yes, I'm SD's stepmom. So is your kid in the cast, too?" Or "No, we aren't planning any more children. Are you going on the field trip on Thursday?" Sometimes LESS is MORE. You don't owe them your life story.

ETA: I would just take his comments as "I'm different." and work through how lots of people are different. Weird Al was an only child and only has one child. I would reassure him that families come in all sizes and try not to focus on it.

How to answer the question of is he your one and only? Are you having another?
We say "Yes! We got it right the first time and he makes us very proud! No need to try for another.".

Our son asked about siblings for a short while when he was about 4.
I said to listen to some of his friends when they complain about fighting with their brothers/sisters.
Quite a few of his friends told him how lucky he was not to have his stuff ruined/broken and he never had to miss out on anything because he didn't have to go to a brothers game/recital/what ever.
Our son's a good listener.
It didn't take him long to figure out that even siblings that get along usually don't just say "I love my brother".
They usually say "I love my brother BUT he drives me crazy!".
It was a phase our son got over pretty quickly.
He's perfectly happy being our one and only!

I answer the question : Are you going to have another?

Smile, why do you ask? Thats personal. We haven't decided that yet or I'm not comfortable discussing my reproductive choices with you :)

Is he your only?

He is our first. We are very happy with our family. Or Yes, he is. Why do you want to know?

If they get pushy or preachy, I always say if they have a negative opinion about family size etc. ----Unless you are going to go through my pregnancy, pay for my children's college funds etc. and fully support this, you have no valid opinion and its not your business or decision to comment on my reproductive choices. Next time the teacher brings it up, tell them we are happy where we are.

Dear Abby or Ann Landers used to have a good answer for just about any uncomfortable question - the answer is "why do you ask?" of "hmm, I never thought about it..." Let them stand there feeling awkward. The bottom line is that every question has built in to it certain assumptions. The asker in this instance is assuming it's always better to have siblings. There are many good arguments for siblings and there are many good arguments for only children.

The only comment I'll make regarding this is don't assume you'll always feel like you don't want another child. 8 or even 10 years apart isn't a deal breaker. You may meet a special awesome someone who wants a child. Having an older brother who's 10 years older has some great advantages for both kids. The odler child learns a different kind of love & responsibility and the younger child has someone to look up to and adore. As adults it sure is nice to have siblings to share stuff with. I had a friend who was an only child and she said at her father's funeral she felt so very lonesome. Now clearly - that's 60+ years off - but it's something to consider. She was a very successful business woman with an only child too. Funny abbut that!

Bottom line is that you get to choose your family dynamics - and there are many blessings to have one child. There are also many blessings for another - but that's your choice and no one elses.

God bless you mama.

Im only going to answer 1.
I have asked people if they will have more, I have no idea why I continue to do so because when people ask me and know I have 3 already, Im like "Are you effing kidding me??"
But anyways, I just blurt it out! I should stop though, because some people could be desperately trying to have another child.
At least I leave it at that though. If they said no, I would never question them about their decision, because its rude.
Im going to stop asking all together....

We're in a situation like this with my in-laws (husband's parents). We have 2 great kids (6 and 3), one boy, one girl, and my in-laws are ADAMANT and vocally that we should NOT have any more kids. We have 2 kids, a boy and a girl; why would we want to screw that up? They're so good; why mess up the dynamic? They're so healthy; why take the chance?

Short of telling them to mind their own business (which I was dangerously close to telling them), my husband turned the question on them: "What if your parents would have stopped at 2?" Neither would be here had their parents stopped at 2, and it effectively ended the discussion (that day anyway).

The point is: it's really no one's business but your own! I really like the answers you've gotten so far, especially the deflection suggestion :) I know it's awkward, but ask yourself why you feel so awkward or defensive when answering. Is it because you feel guilty that you only have one? Is it because in your heart you long to have another? You need to resolve these issues (if there ARE any) before you can move forward and help your son be ok with being an only child.

I also agree with Christy Lee that you need to allow your son his feelings and help him understand why he won't have a brother or sister (any time soon anyway). He's old enough to understand the basics of finances, responsibility, etc, so you can give him some good reasons. Maybe if you tell him some of the things that would change and go away, he'd start to alter his thinking. For example, maybe he wouldn't get xxx anymore if there was another baby because you'd have to buy diapers instead of xxx. Or maybe you wouldn't be able to go out to eat because the baby will have to nap. Things like that, but you have to allow him his feelings.

I normally try and keep it light and short and say, Yes he is an only and no, I am not having another. If they politely ask why he is an only, I would say that our family is perfect as is. If they press more or are kind of rude about it...I like Mira's answer about him being great and too tough of an act to follow....I've said something a long the same lines before but my version was a bit harsher/sarcastic in resposne to the tone I was receiving. When people feel the need to tell me I am wrong not to give my child a sibling, I usually ask why they think that sibs are always a positive. I then add my husband and brother are 15 months apart, never got along and have not spoken in 7 years. It is a shame people are so intrusive with their questions about your family size.

I think I would point out to the teacher how this can be a sensitive topic for some families, and how something that your son used to see as a positive is now something you have to soothe him emotionally about. Let her know that it's not an easy topic for you, let alone your son. Be blunt with her, but polite. I would then ask her to rethink how she approaches this topic in the future.

It could very easily backfire on her in reverse in the future. She could end up with a class that has no siblings except for one child that comes from a family of six, and that child is deeply embarrassed and hurt. Unlikely, but possible.

The teacher could have handled the situation much differently than she did.

You could use it as an opportunity to teach your son about the many ways a family is made up and created and how each and every type of family is special.

From what you wrote on here you sound like a proud, confident, single mom. So why do you have a hard time sharing that with others? Maybe you can help break down some of those assumptions/stereotypes/judgements about single moms by your example. I have 4 kids and still get asked if I plan on having another, or it goes the other way and they make clear assumptions that I MUST be done having kids by now. How I answer depends a lot on who is asking and the setting. If it is in my youngest son's playgroup and I want or am trying to get to know the others moms well I will give more explanation and it often turns into a discussion (which is fine by me). If it is clearly in passing or someone is filling an awkward silence as we both wait in line or something, then I would just say, yeah, we are not *planning* anymore kids, but you never know what the future will bring.
I also like AV's idea of giving a simple, straightforward answer and followup with a topic changing statement or question.
As far as your son goes, I'm not sure I can be much help. My kids do ask fairly often when I will have another baby, they want another sibling pretty bad. But I simply say that I have my hands full as it is and as much as I would love to have another baby it simply is not the best choice for our family right now. They continue to be disappointed but seem to understand. I wish you all the best.

We only have one little boy. He is the only only-child in his little pre-school class. We are perfectly happy having one child. I think the world is full of one-child families. We fought long and hard with clinical help to have him; he is one-of-a kind, as all precious children are. Having only one child does not make you a lesser parent, and shame on those who think otherwise. I too get asked if he has siblings, and if we are having more; there's no harm in that, I think it's just the way people make friendly conversation. My answer is, "I don't know; if it happens, it will happen." Can't argue with that! Replying that you are a single-parent is awkward and TMI (too much information). Like you, one day my wife and I will have to have the conversation with him why he does not have any brothers or sisters. I don't have an answer to that today that I think a child will understand. Finally, I wouldn't hold it against your teacher about that poll - it was just awkward timing. It could have been, "how many of you have pets?" and you'd be dog-shopping.

You should answer it the same way you explained it here.

1. whatever you're comfortable with. a simple no or, ones enough for M.
2. I chooseto say i'm divorced. i'm not ashamed.
3. the teacher was probably trying to make him feel better by making him realize there are others. Even if there is J. one other kid, that means he;s not hte only only kid. also kids exagerate. my 6 year old told M. last year her one friend had 3 baby brothers. the kid kept talking about his mom having a baby so much she thought the mom gave birth to 3! she also says ALL of the kids (insert any thing here...mom's visit school, moms volunteer, have some awesome toy, have 10 siblings)
i point out to her everyone is diferent and tell her some things she has that they might not

Whenever someone ask you a question that you do not wish to answer simply say: " Why do you ask or Why do you need to know"?

My son has an only and she has often expressed the wish for a sibling. He explained to her that she was 10 and if he met someone this week, it would take a year ro a year and half to know if they were in love and another year to get married, so by the time they were married she would be 12, another year to have a baby, so by the time the baby would be old enough to really play with she would be ready for college. Of course you can use your own numbers or time frame.

You can also explain that if you meet someone who has children and you get married then he would have siblings. But at this time why mess with perfection.

We have a daughter (soon to be 8) and she is and will be our one and only. I've never let questions about it bother me too much, but depending on the vibe I get from the questioner, sometimes I just simply say, "She was the only one we were able to have." That usually stops their questions right then and there because they have no idea if it's a medical reason, financial reason, etc. and MOST people don't keep prying beyond that.

Sorry about the teacher questioning the class about their siblings. It's happened to our daughter, as well. It's ok, though; it's a simple question and not meant to hurt anyone or make anyone feel bad, right? You must keep that in mind.

For a few years, our daughter really did want a sibling. She's now come to a really great place and flat out tells us "I'm so glad I don't have a brother or sister!" She doesn't want to share us at this point and after hanging around some of our great friends w/ kids that fight like cats and dogs nonstop when we're with them, it's certainly opened her eyes as to what it COULD be like with a sibling. She wants no part of that! I hope your son gets there someday, too. Have any friends w/ kids that fight non-stop that you could hang out w/ more? hahaha ;c)

It sounds to me like you're thinking about this WAY too hard.

You don't need to explain your choices to anyone.

Our DD is 13. She is a joy and a blessing and she'll be an only. We're happy with our decision. When people ask if we're planning on having another, I usually say - we got it right on the first try, so we're good. I sometimes throw in that I'm the youngest of three girls - just sayin'.

Well that would be annoying...having people always ask you that and having people assume something about you because you are a single mom. Just think - you are helping to get rid or stereotypes. Good job! We had child number 2 when our first was 5 and a half years old. So, yes, I heard that question often from people because I did only have one child for so many years. I was happy with one and went back and forth in my head over whether or not I wanted two kids. I mean, I did want a 2nd child but I kept thinking I would also be happy if it did not work out and we just had one. I had a lot of time to contemplate this because it took us years to get pregnant again! Anyway as far as your son asking for a sibling....he should know that when you are far apart in age from your sibling sometimes they can be a real pain. My son remembers well getting all our attention and he has lamented to me how he misses those days when he did not have to share my time. He does loves his little sister, but she also really annoys him. She is so much younger than him yet she wants so badly to do everything he does...even though she is not yet there mentally or physically. It's a strain at times. I say tell him to enjoy being an only child...there are a lot of benefits! And then set up lots of playdates for him so he often has a friend to play with. :)

When people ask me if I want another child (my husband and I actually haven't decided yet), I always just say, "Not at the moment!" I would think you could use the same answer for the question, "Is he an only child?" Just smile and say, "For the moment, he is." If they go on to ask if you plan to have others, then stick to the "Not right now" answer. In my experience, most people tend to stop there. People who dig deeper are extremely rude, but you don't need to give them your life story. It's up to you how much you want to open up.

I love Mira's answer about what to tell your son when he asks.

I get the same question about having a third child. I guess it's natural curiosity. I don't really have a great response either. I feel like I need to justify why we're only having two. Some times I just say "I feel very content with two." I have stopped asking that question of others mainly because of fertility issues among so many people.

As far as the teacher is concerned, she had no ill intent. She was merely teaching a graphing lesson and trying to use a question that had meaning and interest to the kids. In school I was usually the only red head in class and often was the example for percentages and graphs, not to mention recessive genes, etc...

As a former teacher, while we might know a child's family makeup, we don't know the reasons or background of why it is that way. The "Do you have any siblings?" poll is a COMMON use for a classroom graph. I guarantee it will happen again in the future. Might want to warn teachers ahead of time if you find it so offensive...

If he is so upset about not having siblings, then maybe you need to spend some more time talking about it. Maybe you can help him find some of the "perks" of not having siblings (sharing toys, sharing you, etc.) to help him feel better.

There are many stereotypes out there - and when getting to know people, yes, asking about future children or marital status is just one of the things that comes up. While I don't know EXACTLY how you feel as a single parent, I understand how it feels to be lumped into a stereotype. I am a SAHM so automatically people might assume that I am uneducated or that my husband makes a lot of money. Neither is true. It is hard to get people to see beyond the stereotype. But being honest, open and proud of who you are and the life you lead will hopefully show others that being a single parent is not always a "bad" thing to feel sorry for.

Change your tact, K.. When people ask if he's an only child, tell them yes. And if they ask if you're going to have another, say to them, "Well, I' a single parent and I would need to get married first." THAT will shut them up.

I'm sorry about the teacher. Goodness knows that she probably was sure that there were kids in there without sibs. She wouldn't have made your child feel bad on purpose.

Instead of telling him again that he won't have sibs, just sidestep the issue with him. If he has cousins, try to get them together as much as you can, if they are in the vicinity.

At some point it won't bother him anymore.

Dawn

I get this a lot too. I am single with a 2 yr old DD. Is she your only, when are you going to have #2, does your husband want more, etc. Usually I just try and keep it light by saying something like "do I look like I can handle more than one? haha" I don't get too bothered. People usually are just making small talk and babbling about things because they aren't sure what to say!

Hang in there!

Teacher is stupid, and so is everybody else. Kidding, of course, but the teacher was being an instigator by polling the class and reportign back to you. People are so insensitive. They are caught up in how they think and function that it seems to never occur to them that there are other ways to be and that it's happening right in their own neighborhoods. Don't let them make you feel uncomfortable just because they have chosen to ask a question that they shouldn't have. It's none of their business if you'll expand your family or when or how. It's certainly none of their business why. When they persist, just look them in the eye and say, "I don't want to."

Before I had mine and people would ask when we would be "having a family", I would tell them that "we already are a family". The end. Even now, they ask if I want another. My friends can ask me that, and even they take it only so far. Strangers need to mind their business. They have no place trying to participate in the planning of my family.

When they say that they're sorry, you should say something like, "Yeah, well, you'll know better next time." I would assume that they are sorry for prying, not pitying my circumstances. You don't even have to be snide in your tone. Just speak to them matter-of-factly.