I need a womans opinion...
Over the weekend my boyfriend and I had gotten into a arguement. It had happen SO fast that I did not even realize what happened until I stormed off and the whole next day I was like WTH? We have been together for 8 months. I could not imagine him not in my life.
We were out w/ his brother and his GF and some friends. They were arguing about something and some how we got brought into it. Nice, I know. Something about cheating came up and he was like I have never cheated on you and I said I hope not b/c as I have said to you before if you do I will walk away SO fast. He was like but I do have females calling me and he has told me that before. He said and the night my phone was going off in the middle of the night it was one of them. I was like I knew it! I said have you talked to her? Yes. she called tonight wanting me to do something w/ her. I told her I was w/ or meeting someone and no. I was like did you tell her you had a GF and you are happy? No. Why? What difference does it make they will call regardless. It is a respect issue that is why. You need to change your FB to being in a relationship b/c this is how they keep getting your information and they think that you are single and indeed you are NOT! He was like who am I here w/ you, who do I spend all my time w/ you. I said do you think that I do not have men that ask me out or want my number? They do. I make sure they do not get it or have access to it b/c all I need is to be at your house one time and my phone go off at 2 AM and some guys name going across it. I do it out of respect and our realtionship. I also told him that they have no need to call you b/c that is just tempting you. I know what it is like to have someone call in the middle of the night like that you used to to do it to me when I was in my last relaionship and it was never pretty every time you called and now look who I am with. We starting dating months later he has been asking me out for 4 yrs.
I ended up leaving saying I am not like his ex wife and every other female he has dated. This man is SO affraid of me hurting him that I feel I am not getting the man I know he can be in a relationship like I should be. I know he can be romantic and how to be , but he is not allowing himself. I am also sabbotaging this b/c I am so affraid he is going to cheat on me like everyother man I have dated has. Of course that night he had called and we had it out and he said he only talked to her at that time when she called any other time he has not. I know he never cheated to b/c I am w/ him every week-end and he works third, and sleeps during the day and his kids are there at night. So, I know he has not cheated. IF he did not care he wouldn't be trying to fix this and I know if he was doing anything he sure wouldn't have even told me about her calling he just thought I should know and the next time I can answer the phone to her.
He is a good man treats me good and never has done anything to me. I just want to know why females chase men like that and how do both of us let go of what happen to us in the past so that we do not ruin what we have together? I do not want to keep bringing this up to him or I am going to push him to cheat, kind of like you keep accusing then my as well. I know he has not but it is almost like I am waiting for him to fail. How do I get him to trust I am not liek every other female and I am not going to screw him over?
Thanks!
All I can say is that a relationship has no chance of working if there is no trust.
That being said, trust him....or leave him.
Trust is earned,not freely given. Try to slowly build trust between you---if you two are always assuming one of you is going to cheat, it just won't work--there has to be respect and trust in every relationship to make it healthy and for it to work. Stop trying to make him fail-praise him for the good things he does for you and let go of the rest--if you do that, he will settle down too. Time will tell whether he is too damaged or not to fully trust you and let down his guard. If you are thinking of being with him long-term as in marriage, Go to counseling single and together. GL!
M
Ok when someone says, I am with him for the man I know he can be, it makes me wince. You should be with someone for who they ARE, not who they could be. I made that mistake once, and it was the most grueling year and half waste of my life. If this bothers you, then he should he be open to understanding that. If he would flip out because some guy called you then why is it ok for him? Nope that's not how it goes. Why doesn't he tell these girls he has a girlfriend? Why is he giving out his number to girls who barely know him? (obviously if they knew him well they would know he is with you). Sorry sweetie, I know you love him but if you are afraid to have an honest conversation with him that isn't a good sign. Try having an open no one gets angry conversation you might be surprised! Best of Luck
females dont go around chasing men that are taken. He is obviously saying he is not in a relationship and keeping them all on the back burner. You both seem to have jealousy issues and are both not fully committed to the relationship (by saying guys ask me for my number all the time you are sending the message "I dont neeeeedd you")...The relationship is pretty young being only 8 months...but after 8 months, he should know whether or not he wants to be commited or not commited. calls at 2am are not to go get a cup of coffee and chat...He maybe hasnt cheated...yet, but that doesnt mean the thought hasnt crossed his mind..more than once.
Sorry.
Tell him that you do NOT want to pay for other people's mistakes. You love him for him, that's that.
Blessings...
This probably isn't what you want to hear here is how I read the situation. It sounds to me like he allows other women to call him and tells you about it (or lets you know about it one way or the other) to let you know that he has other options available should you turn out like his former girlfriends/wife who apparently hurt him. I am guessing that the other women continue to call because he gives them the impression that he could possibly enter into a relationship with them or date them (that is why females chase men...because they think they can get them). If he doesn't just come out and say "Sally, I am in a relationship, please stop calling me" there is a reason for that and it isn't because Sally will just call anyway. It would make more sense for him to say please stop calling me and then if they do he ignores or blocks the calls. If he isn't willing to do this that speaks volumes (he has to be willing to work with your insecurities just like you have to be willing to work with his). He should be annoyed at the very least that he keeps getting unwanted phone calls, especially at 2AM, and do whatever he can to stop them.
Since you both have trust issues perhaps couples counseling would benefit you both. Good luck.
Bella,
You are a very young mom w/ a 14 year old son. Your boyfriend is acting like he is 14. Your problem is your boyfriend!! You said you can't imagine him not in your life - please do! You need a marriage-minded mature man - someone who has already played the field more than he wanted and has no females calling him! Someone who wants to get married and be a stepdad to your son. Your boyfriend does NOT fit that description! Your boyfriend is bringing you down big time. You deserve so much better! Tell him to hook up w/ these females that are calling him and then take a hike. And don't be so sure he hasn't cheated on you, with so many girls calling him, of course he has (sorry, but he has). Now go find an older, mature, marriage-minded man, and good luck!
Why would he taunt you with his comment about girls calling him? I don't think that is very gentlemanly. From what you posted here, the whole argument stemmed from him making that comment. It was totally unnecessary, yet he said it, knowing it would get you to respond. Why? to draw you into a debate about your relationship? To brag? To show he was desirable? Why? What was he trying to accomplish?
Rather than worry about "why females chase men like that", I would wonder why he wanted to spur you into an argument like that. If you are trying to put the best spin on it, then he was "just being honest". But, it sounds to me like a very spiteful thing to do/say. It really didn't even need to be said at all. What was the point of it?
Cut your losses and move on. I'm sorry, he sounds like a butt head who has no respect for you or a "real" relationship. Remember: It takes two to tango. They may be chasing him, but he seems to like it.
As my grandmother used to say : You can do better.
Trust works both ways and sorry, but it doesn’t have to be earned unless a person breaks the trust. That's like saying you are guilty before you even do anything wrong.
Also, do you really think that having him change his status to “in a relationship” that you are going to start trusting him? Does his FB status actually say “single?” If that’s the case then yes, perhaps there is a trust issue. From what I gather though, he hasn’t done anything – it’s your previous boyfriends who have broken your trust so why are you punishing him for their bad behavior (and vice versa)?
Everyone has baggage and it’s up to us as individuals to decide whether we are going to deal with our own insecurities or keep “sabotaging” relationships because it might be easier to make someone else change who they are rather than taking a hard look at ourselves. Think about it – even if you were dating someone else would all your insecurities just disappear?
IMO - just because you have certain standards (e.g. FB status update) doesn’t mean others have the same views with these things. My SO and I don’t have anything under status. I just don’t care to share that information and neither does he for privacy and other issues with FB. Yes, it would be easier if we all followed the same "rules" or behave the same way but then we might as well date ourselves.
I’m sorry if all this sounds critical – it just makes me sad because I know guys who are trustworthy and have dated girls who are so insecure about themselves and it ruins the entire relationship. I hope everything works out for the best.
Read "The 5 Languages of Love" also get into couples counseling. You both need counseling, you both have trust issues and need to learn how to sort them out.
I don't mean this in an offensive way, but I get so irritated when so often, women attribute a man's inability or complete lack of desire for committment to *their intense fear of being hurt by the girlfriend.*
I am sure that there are the rare circumstances where a genuinely good man has been terribly emotionally scarred by a villainous woman, but I really think those scenarios are fewer and farther between.
Ladies, some men are jerks. Some men like other women's attention and in fact, encourage it (i.e. the FB status left as *single*, and NOT telling the other woman that he's in a relationship... c'mon now...). And some men are just cheaters. Plain and simple. Why do women kid themselves about their man being a player, and sugar coat it as that they are just soooo afraid of being hurt? I just don't get that mentality.
Bella, I get that your man has in some ways been an ok boyfriend, but on the bigger issues, like fidelity, he's clearly not there yet. I'd walk from this. It reeks of future heartache. And I am in NO WAY BLAMING YOU for your cheating boyfriends in the past, I'm not. But you said that every other guy in your life has cheated on you. That fact, coupled with your current issues with current bf, leads me to think that you are blinding yourself to some serious red flags with the guys you are spending time with. There is a serious red flag here with this bf, the not changing the fb status, the not telling the woman that he is dating someone, etc. If he hasn't cheated yet, it doesn't look good for the future. Maybe you should take a good look at your present and past relationships because it seems that you may be missing, or ignoring some blaring red flags.
Hi Bella, I'm sorry, this relationship sounds doomed. You are both very insecure, and yet are both intolerant of each other's insecurities.
A committed relationship does not have other women/men calling in the middle of the night.
It's possible if you both worked hard together to build each other's trust.....
But then, the inability to conduct a monogamous union is usually a lifetime problem.
:(
There isn't this my gray area in relationships. Women love to use 'if's with men and that just isn't always the case.
You either trust him and he trusts you or you don't.
He is either committed to you and doesn't need other women calling him, or he is just keeping them in line.
He's either mature or he isn't.
it sounds like you are both sabatoging an already frustrating and odd relationship. I would say that you need to tell him- "get rid of the girls, get rid of the jealousy, and we can both love each other for who we are right now, or this relationship is giving nothing to either of us"
Good luck, but from your above description, it sounds like he is a stubborn, immature man who has some real trust issue and isn't going to change that anytime soon! be good to yourself and your kid!
Women keep chasing men like him, because men like him don't tell women they are involved. It's not the womans fault for chasing the man when the man has lead them on to believe he is a single guy!
I'm gonna have to agree with a lot of posts on here. This doesn't sound promising, at all. You are in no way sabatoging your relationship. You know what you are comfortable with and what your boundaries are and it sounds like he's crossing the line on both. There is nothing wrong with what you want or need, and if he cannot provide it then it may be time to move on. If he has so many issues about being hurt then he needs to deal with that before he gets into another relationship....if that's REALLY what's going on here.
