How Not to Hurt Mil's Feelings

This is a no-win situation. Since your MIL is ignoring what you and your husband have said, she's going to be hurt by you not going. There is no way getting around it.

Either bite the bullet and say, "We're not going to the Dells. We're going to Florida and here are the details - please join us." Or you go to the Dells and put up with Great Grandma. Let's face it, she won't live forever.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

The older generation isn't going to be around forever, so you may want to suck it up for the sake of your kids and them. I would put my foot down about the smoking thing though and make sure you have the right accomodations to have privacy for your family. The right room can make all the difference...we know this by experience!

Wow- I really do sympathize with you. My former in-laws- my ex's mother and sister, could be very difficult sometimes and I had to spend many holidays doing things I did not want to do. However- that said, keep these things in mind:

1)It may not be fun for you to make the trip to the Dells, but do your kids enjoy it? Are they getting to spend fun quality vacation time with their grandparents and great-grandma that they will remember happily when they are older? You and your spouse may not be having fun, but grandma and grandpa - and certainly chain-smoking great-grandma- will not be around forever. Your kids should spend time with them while they can.

2)I personally wouldn't want to go to the Dells for this trip either, but it obviously means a great deal to your in-laws, not only to 'give' you the trip, but to spend time together as a family. Again, even if you and your husband are not having the best personal time, that is something to be valued. Can you and he get a little 'private' time to yourselves during the trip. Ask grandma to watch the kids and tell her you want to get your husband a massage because he has been working so hard (put it like that- she loves her son and will appreciate you taking good care of him!) and then book yourselves a couple's massage. Or tell the MIL that you and your husband have had so little time to yourselves and ask if they would mind watching the kids in the evening while you two go have a romantic dinner on your own. Try to carve out enough time for just the two of you during the trip that the 'family time' won't make you crazy!

3) Is it really worth making a big 'family crisis' deal over? You have to fight the big fires and step over the small ones. It sounds like your in-laws would be crushed if you did not accept their offer to go to the Dells. It will probably create hurt feelings and bad situations for YEARS to come- trust me, I know! I am not saying that is fair, but they are trying to be generous and from their point of view, it might be hard to get over if you refuse to go. Can you go on the trip and then reward you and your husband with a private weekend away someplace nice later?

Sorry, I get your frustration totally, but I say suck it up and go to the Dells. The potential consequences are too huge and unpleasant if you don't. Someday your kids will be grown and will tell you what great memories they have of going to the Dells with grandma and grandpa.

As they are your husbands parents, he needs to get the point across to them. you could start getting some florida vacation brochures etc. and have them laying around!

I am totally with you on the smoking issue. I can't stand to be around that smell. Seriously, I have to leave the room or end up nauseous and with a headache. So, I would last 5 minutes at most with Great Grandma and even less if she actually lit up anywhere near me or my children. I am not being rude or judgemental, just noting that she chooses to smoke and she has got to know- or knew before she began to lose those faculties- that her habit can be off-putting to others.

So, I agree that you should not stay together in a room or suite with her if you can't tolerate the smoke. If you can afford it, book your own room. If not, be honest with MIL and FIL saying "We enjoy our time with you both as well as Great Grandma, but due to her heavy smoking, we are going to have to take a pass this year."

If you wish to go to Florida, do so. But, I would not put MIL and FIL in a position to choose between their annual Dells trip and coming with you. Later, after hearing that you will not be going to the Dell , if they request to join you, offer to help arrange that. But, I would keep the trips totally separate.

On an associated note, who is caring for Great Grandma since you note that she is not totally aware and also visually impaired? Could you have a private conversation with her caregiver and mention your concerns about her hygiene? If she is still living alone, your husband's family needs to address this issue and make sure that she receives the care she needs. If it is MIL and FIL who are her caregivers, I think that needs to be a conversation between your husband and them, unless you are close to Great Grandma. Don't tie it to the trip, though. Just have him mention his concerns with her new changes in mental status.
Good luck.

Tell your in-laws that you have more time off and your family is going to Florida, but do not expect them to pay for any of it. If you want to do something different with your family that is your right, but your MIL invited you to the Dells. Asking them to split the cost of a trip to Florida is completely inappropriate. Also, you have to accept that your in-laws will probably have hurt feelings. If the great grandmother has such poor hygeine issues, I think it's time to look into getting some extra help with things like bathing and laundry since she is no longer able to handle these things on her own.

You husband is the one that really needs to speak to his parents about this matter. My husband use to always have me speak to his step mother about everything because he did not want to deal with her. Every time it fell on deaf ears because she did not want to talk to me she wanted to speak to him and he refused. We ended up seeing a counselor about how to handle his step mother. the counselor sided with me and said it is his family and he needs to lay down the law that he has a wife and a son, they come first, his father comes second, his sister third and her 2 cents comes last. He is always willing to listen but he does not want to debate his decision so now that his father has passed we do not speak to his step mother at all.
So take it from a Christian Counselor with Catholic Social Services. Let you husband tell them.
Lastly, if you want to go to Florida go. If you can't afford it on your own them just go on a short trip you can afford.
Good Luck

let you husband handle it,.......its his mom.

good luck!

Mommy R,

We were in a similar boat last year. We decided to "come clean" and simply tell my Mom, we're not up for it. That it was a personal family decision to opt out. I felt it was my responsibility to have this conversation since it was my mom. (I think you should encourage your husband to do the same.)

IF you feel like continuing to go on vacation with your in laws, then you will have to discuss the issue of "great grandma" and the issues you have. I agree that separate living/rooming accomodations are a must for your family, which you should be willing to cover. I don't think it's for you to say IF great grandma comes along - that's their call since she is their responsibility - it's a package deal.

If your husband discusses FL with them and they still aren't open to it, then let it go. Maybe they can't afford it? Maybe it's too much with great grandma in tow? You need to be willing to say, "We'd love to have you join us," and then leave the decision up to them.

Otherwise, you should be willing to go to FL without them and great grandma. If the reason you are inviting them along to FL and to "split the cost" is because you can't afford it, then maybe you need to reassess the trip idea and go somewhere else where just your immediate family can afford. (Not trying to be judgemental here, just bringing it up in case you rely on your in laws financially for your vacation plans.)

Finally, I think if you "give in" and go to the Dells to keep your in laws happy, you will be miserable. Stand up for your family and go with the best decision for all of you. If your in laws are terribly upset, just tell them, "we're sorry you feel that way", and let it go. It is THEIR choice to get upset. Not your fault for disappointing them.

Best of luck. I hope it goes well.