How Much Does Your Husband Help at Home?

Wow, I didn't know my husband had another wife! No wonder he is so tired and only wants to sit in front of the TV...?!

We had that same argument, last May. Message me, anytime you need to vent with another "single mom in a marriage".

-Karen

Trying to sell a house and show a house while living in it with children is so stressful! I can sympathize. The normal day to day challenges are enough with out that extra work and stress.
Maybe your husband seriously thinks you can do it all, and you need to calmly ask for help explaining that you can't (no one could.) Ask for help, and give him lots of praise when he does. Everyone needs praise, wouldn't it be great if he learned to praise you more too. Be careful how you ask for help, don't wait until you are totally frustrated. Be sure you are asking and not telling him what to do. "Can you help me with this in commercials?" "I really need help to get things done tonight, could you do this or this for me?" "Do you think you'll have time for the yard this weekend?"
I strongly believe in prayer. When I see something in someone that I know God would not like, I ask God to change that behavior or attitude. He will do it, and teach me how do deal with it at the same time.

Good luck, if you find something that really works please share it with us!

I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks this after reading your post, but your husband sounds like a very lazy & selfish person. My husband works while I stay home with our 5 yr old & I'm 8 months pregnant. While I do the majority of the housework, he does all the vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher, yardwork, takes out the trash & spends every evening after work playing with our son while I take a break before our bedtime routine. Granted, it wasn't always like that. We had rough spots also where I felt I did absolutely everything (including mowing the lawn!), and when we argued about it, he had the same excuse for not helping. He said he knew I'd re-do whatever he did b/c I wouldn't like the way he does things. While I do admit that I am a clean-freak, I learned to ignore how & what he cleaned. And if he didn't bother to help, I'd simply "forget" to wash his work clothes or "forget" that his shirts had to go the the cleaners & suggested that he do it himself since I was already so swamped with my chores. *Of course, this lead to other arguments, but eventually he caught on and stopped taking me for granted. As for helping with your three sons, have you suggested that he help you teach the boys to help keep the house clean? Maybe if he feels like you're working as a team, he'll feel less attacked. Do you & him get any date nights? Maybe he'd like to spend time with you instead of you going our by yourself. (?) After a few quality date nights, maybe he'll see that you do need your own time and deserve a break from being super mom. Husbands are so unpredictable, so I do wish you the best. You've managed to stay together this long, so don't give up! :)

i only have 2 kids, there both girls and under the age of 5. i dont know what time your kids go to bed but you can try making it earlier like 8 8:30 so you actually have down time. even telling your boys they need to keep the mess in their room after a certain time of day and noise level in that area. after a certain time they have to go their rooms for wind down time until bed time. i dont know, just a suggestion. i cant pretend to know how difficult that one is.
ive had to muscle alot of help out of my husband in the past 4 years since our first daughter was born. my first tactic was to tell him that we had the kids so we could both raise them, not me alone. i dont do the female, male role thing. so when he comes home at 7 he has to help with the girls, at least put them to bed every other night, stuff like that. my husband has at least 2 chores in the house too. chores i wont do. and when he comes home and bitches about them and asks why i dont do them, i tell him its his job. we have relatively low animosity between us : ) and he may bicker but at least im not the one giving him an ear full. i just set boundaries on what i can handle.
and about the weekends. you need your life back obviously. i guess it will get easier for you when all the boys go to school.
what ive set up at my house is i get a day out of the weekend as well. every other sunday i sleep in till how long i want, and get an uninterupted bath. and then on the every other sunday i go out the whole day by myself and dont come back till he has the kids in bed. that way we both get a day to sleep in during the weekend and we both get a day to do what we want.
it took me 4 years to set these guidelines for myself. and there only ideas of what we do. hope you can work SOMETHING out. and unfortunately that is the way marriage is.

Wow, you have a tough situation. I would agree that these kids are BOTH parents' responsibilities. Here are some things I do that my husband tells me makes him want to do more for me. I tell him how much I appreciate his hard work, so that I can stay home with our daughter. I tell him I appreciate him taking care of all our financial burdens, that's a big responsibility. I make sure every time he does something to help, like the dishes, or make the bed, I make a big deal out of it, letting him know how much I appreciate the help, and how loved I feel, because he is helping me. I went to a Love and Respect conference with my husband, and it helped us realize that he needs to feel respected and we as women need to feel loved. It's not perfect always...but when I keep my focus off myself, and how much I'd really like him to help more, I try and see what is it that he's done (even if not to my perfect standard ;) ) that I can show appreciation for? Good luck to you, this is a struggle for a lot of people.

That is NOT the way a marriage should be! My husband helps as much as he can, but he works 11 or so hours a day trying to pay for our two mortgages (we're trying to sell a house). He would help more if he could. I suggest you consider going for marriage counseling. My husband and I have, and it has been great for us. You deserve better, girl! Good luck!

Hi L.,
My husband does help me at home quite a bit, but I still need to ask. When I do ask, I need to accept that he's not going to jump THAT second to do it. He does the dishes, or cuts the grass, etc, when HE wants to. I know asking nicely is great, and then accepting that husbands just do things at their own pace (just like we do, except a little slower :) is the best advice I can give.
I understand wanting your husband to take the initiative to help without you having to ask is the issue.
I honestly think that men just don't see it. They don't put importance on whether the laundry is put away, etc. They want to come home from work and not have to do anything (who doesn't?)
It's just my opinion, but he knows you are going to grow impatient and do it anyway, so he's just waiting you out to get out of it.
Go on strike. clean up your stuff and your kids' stuff and leave his stuff. It might take a couple of weeks and a mess for him to notice, but he will.

Also, make plans, and leave the house earlier than he does on a weekend, so he can stay with the kids and you can go do whatever you want for a little while.
You already know that you are getting the short end of the stick. He's a cognitive, responsible adult and should understand that a household doesn't run itself. Keep asking, but try not to nag or argue, as those 2 things will just make it worse.
Good luck!

I think you need to find someway to hit the reset button so you can both step-back and figure this out. Can you go on a day or weekend trip alone? Visit your mom or something? Just inform him, leave him with the kids. Not in a way that you are storming off, but just like he does when he leave to "do his own thing" on the weekends, basically treating you like a babysitter.

Anyway, then he might get some hands on experience with your daily life and you can have a calm chat. How about a dinner away from the kids? Bill it as a strategy session for your next house that you plan out together. Judging from your explanation of his behavior, he's either a big jerk, or possibly stressed & depressed. Any changes at work lately? Let's assume he's depressed for some reason & not a jerk, and tell him you guys need to figure out how to move forward positively as a team, because the current "system" is not working - making you do everything and still leaving him unsatisfied for some reason.

Communication is key, all fights need to move the ball forward, figure things out so you don't have the same fight again. Good Luck.

Wow, you are me! I have just finished reading "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Schlessinger (sp). It actually works. I totatlly recommend it. I did learn on my own several years ago to ask him to do stuff. He will do the same thing (obviously I need help and he ignores it), but if I ask him to take care of it (nicely, before I get upset) then he does it cheerfully. I truly believe men feel insulted it people offer to help them unless they ask for help, so they don't offer help to others for fear of upsetting them. Just say "Honey, could you please deal with the children's argument for me." Then the second most important thing is to let him do it his way after you asked for help. I had a bad habit of asking him to do the dishes and then coming behind him and redoing how he did it because I don't like how he does it. How insulting to him is that!! Of course he hated doing things for me! I sense that you are doing the same thing to your hubby. Please read the book open-mindedly, it has really helped us. It sounds extremely old fashioned, but he will do more, care more and be more loving! One more piece of advice, try not to engage in husband bashing with groups of negative people, it destroys your ability to go into situations with a positive attitude. In other words you will shoot yourself in the foot. Good Luck!

YES, I am in the same situation. I work full time days, have two daughters (3 and 9), look after my sick grandmother, 2 dogs, a house and a beach trailer. My husband and I fight constantly because he does his own thing all the time. I have to ask for any help all the time and he says I nag too much. I am stressed to the limit and ready to quit. I look after the house maintenance, the yard, vehicle maint., kids, homework, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, lunches, paying bills, etc. and no help unless I ask. I am constantly picking up after him - even more than my kids. He is more interested in going out with friends and going to the gym and those are his priorities. We are taking one last attempt at counseling...I am hoping he will wake up!
He never lived on his own before we moved in together; I am wondering if this is why he is expecting me to look after everything? I think it would be less frustrating and easier living on my own; I have so much resentment built up.

Hi L.,

Boy, do I hear you, sister!
I know all the "right" things to say to you, but I also empathize with you 100%!!!
First of all...Bless you and congratulations on your three boys! I have one boy (12) and one girl (22) and still I complain from time to time. I work with children as a social worker and fortunately it is now part time. Okay, enough about me. In general, I have found that men are not as concerned with the neatness of a house. My own husband says that I don't know how to relax. He can come home from work, plop down, and sit RIGHT NEXT to a pile of clean laundry right out of the dryer. GRRRRRR!!!
I also know that husband AND wives need to feel appreciated and valued. So often we get caught up in what the other one is doing that is wrong, we forget to compliment, encourage and thank each other.
And from my experience I need to ASK my son and husband to do things. "Please pick up your shoes. Please hang that towel up. Please take that dirty cup to the kitchen."
I do feel that I do 90% of the housework. I read about a study that found that in families even where the mom works outside of the home, the moms still do the majority of the housework. Occasionally I hire someone to clean, but my husband is not crazy about that. But it has saved my marriage, I'll tell you!
I wish I had something helpful to say to you. I adore my husband, but this situation has gotten pretty stressful several times in the last few years.
Hang in there, tell your husband how much you appreciate that he goes to work every day. Ask for help when you need it.

Good Luck!
D.

I know how you feel, its football season and my husbands life revolves around that, not me or the family. My best advice is that you tell him, not ask him, that you will be taking some time for yourself on either Sat or Sunday mornings same day every week (Sat cartoons on TV) and make him spend time with the boys without you there. It is the only way, when you are there you will be the parent and he will ignore you and the children as he thinks its your responsibility. I suggest twice a month having girls nights out too to get you out of the house, meetup.com has Moms groups you can join and they have monthly night events to get out of the house. Make suggestions of what they could do together, play out back, go to a park, write down a note with what they are eating for lunch or just say theres lunch meat in there for lunch and take off as soon as you wake up, Go walk at Town Lake, the mall, go to Barnes and Noble for the morning and read by yourself, or coffee shop with a book youve been meaning to read. Something to take the time you deserve, Men are not going to give you time away they think they deserve all the breaks, they are the weaker sex and thats why are not able to birth the babies, their bodies or minds couldn't take it. Don't know where you live, I live in RR and would be more than willing to take a break with you.(:
Best wishes, it seems its hard to find balance in our hectec multitasking world but you need that time to regroup so don't let your husband cheat you out of it, in fact abscence makes the heart grow fonder and breeds more appreciation once they have to take care on their kids. Its good for your kids to have Dad time and for your sanity.

WOW! I am so sorry about this! We would be fighting too if my husband acted that way! Sounds like he is totally disconnected from his family life and family responsibilities. Maybe you should try talking to him sometime when it's not in the "heat of the moment." Like after the kids are in bed and you can just have a conversation about what you need from him. Many men do not understand or appreciate what stay at home moms do to keep the family running. His job is over at 7 or 8pm, but when does yours stop? You can't possibly be "at work" 24 hours a day. You need time off too. Also, no job, especially parenting, can be done alone. I'm sure he has people at work who help him with his tasks. You need the same from him. If you have any couple friends who have "helpful husbands" it might be a good idea to spend some time with them. Maybe those husbands could be a good influence on yours.
Good Luck.