Help with Obsessive Husband!

hey S.

what i did when my husband start to nag is i had him stay home for one whole day with the baby while i went out and when i came home and the house wasnt up to par i asked him why and he said he couldnt clean it because he was to busy wwith the baby. that shut him up because he realized that i wasnt superwoman and couldnt always have it exaclty the way he wanted it.

I have the same problem.. my husband doesn't lift a finger around the house (inside anyway) then has the nerve to complain about it.. he's half the problem too! every morning I have to go around and clean up his dishes that he's left out the night before or pick up his dirty underwear in the bathroom.. It's always something.. wish I had an answer for you but I don't. I tell my husband, you can either have a clean house or happy kids.. (truth is, the house will never be perfect). I'm going to buy some post it notes and start labeling things that others can do in my house. Maybe that will get the point across that I can't do everything. good luck.. if you come up with a good solution, let me know!

S.,

As 'out of this world' as this may sound - you need a weeks vacation away from baby and daddy. Let him handle the child and the house for 1 week (or weekend) and see what he is able to get done! I take it he's a first time parent as well.

It also sounds like he wants/needs more appreciation as well.

If all else fails, get counseling - hopefully a professional telling him that he's being unreasonable would get through to him.

Best of luck,
S. H. who's husband learned all about parenting in one week while mommy had to have medical care.

S.,
It seems as though your husband is a little resentful of the fact that you are now staying home. I have been a SAHM for the past 2 1/2 years and NEVER has my husband once complained about anything being dirty or not neat enough. He has actually told me that he could never do what I do on a daily basis, knowing that being home with two very needy children is very tough. I think you should have serious talk with your husband about how you are feeling. What you are doing is wonderful and it's a gift to be able to stay home and raise your child. Not many people are able to do it now-a-days and he should really take pride in the fact that you are able to and that your child doesn't have to be in day care. Believe me, you are not useless...when people ask me what I do for work, I tell them what I do (it's a job, we just don't get paid for it) :) and I actually consider it one of the toughest jobs out there. I wouldn't give it up for the world though and I am sure you wouldn't either. It's one of the most challenging things you'll ever do but also one of the most rewarding things you'll ever do. I think that your husband has to take a few steps back and lay off of you and just be grateful that your daughter is able to be in her home enviornment with you. I wish you the best of luck.

Could be that he is resentful now that most of the economic pressure is resting on his shoulders since you quit working. This of course, is not your fault -- there is reality and then there's one's feelings which often will distort our reality. Sounds like your husband's resentment is an issue you both need to deal with honestly. More than likely, if this is the issue, he's ashamed he feels this way, isn't admitting it to himself and the rage is coming out in other ways (dissatisfaction with your work at home to allow him to conclude that you don't work at all).

Our society historically hasn't been friendly to women and the work they do at home -- less valued reflecting generally the lesser value of women in traditional society. Things have changed, but old notions and cultural assumptions become ingrained and hard to let go of.

I'd recommend that you first gently tell your husband in a time when you are NOT arguing, nor in bed (although his resentment may be cutting into cuddle time I'd suppose as well), but make some calm time. Be honest and first off show sensitivity to his feelings, "It seems to me that you have been very upset about my staying home..." see where this goes, let him vent, help him feel comfortable letting these demons out. But own YOUR perceptions, make it clear that's what you think and allow him to clarify. Then state how you feel when he is upset with you.

Hopefully once feelings are laid out you two can begin to work on constructive ways to heal the wounds. Would he be willing to help out around the house if you took on a part time job? How much time does he spend alone with your daughter? Does he have a clue as to the rigors of homemaking?

Can you earn as much as he or more? Would he prefer to stay home and you work?

Is venting and knowing that you are cognizant of his sacrifice all he needs?

If your discussions go nowhere or the hurt and frustration cuts in too much, please seek professional marriage counseling. If he's not into the idea, go for your own good; he may follow later on, just out of curiosity if nothing else, or you'll find your own path anyway.

I really strongly advise against getting into a war with him about it -- one upping is never-ending. Try to stay rational and non-emotional with him. If he can't then leave the room and tell him you won't discuss it until he's respectful to you. Your own emotional health is important and when a partner chips away at you, you have a choice -- to let it eat you or to refuse to take the bait.

Give him a choice -- either work with you on resolving the issue or you will seek counseling alone to help you deal with how his stubbornness is effecting your self esteem. Tell him your marriage is important to you and this is a core issue that must be dealt with. Then calmly and with resolve get the support you need and go from there.

Good luck!

S., I wish I had some good advice for you, my partner does the same, so much that it is literally tearing us apart. He moved out a little over a year ago, and I thought that would teach him at least when he took the 3 kids that it is next to impossible to keep it together all of the time. Reading your question and everyones remarks make me cry so hard, and feel so hopeless. He and I have different ideas of clean. I have tried leaving him to do things, I guess some men will admit when they are beat and others really have a hard time with it. I recently had our 4th child, a complete accident. but I obviously love her none the less. When I went to the hospital I thought it would be a good learning experience for him, instead he used that opportunity to tell my best friend when she called how well he was handling everything and how much smoother that days were without me. His mother was a neat freak, and had plastic on all her upholstered surfaces for his entire upbringing. I guess I should stop here, this is suppose to be helpful to you, I would say try some of the other women's suggestions and if that doesn't work, counseling, and if that is a bust you may be out of luck. Some men just refuse to be pleased.

He needs to understand that demoralizing you isn't going to make the situation better or help you clean the house in a more thorough fashion. It's going to push you away, breed resentment between you both and spill over into other areas of your life. Have a sit down & get to the bottom of his control issues. He sounds rather jealous, petty and obsessive. The pantry's not NEAT ENOUGH?! Really?! Come on! If my husband said that to me, I'd have two words for him: BITE ME! Followed by, "Do it yourself!" I'd tally up what the cost of a maid, chauffer, nanny, bookkeeper, daycare and personal assistant would be and give him a bill. Then show him what you'd be making as a teacher & ask him if he wants to reconsider. There's also a great salary wizard you can look at/show him that might help if he needs visualization:
http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/htmls/mswl_momcente....

You are not useless at all! Especially if your child is clean and happy and your house is one of the best of the block. Tell him he can have a happy child or a clean house. The 1950's are over and women don't get prescriptions for unlimited amounts of valium to get through the day anymore. It's a long life to spend with someone that behaves like this. I saw my dad do it to my mom and me & my sister and it's no way to live. Would you want your daughter to think this is an acceptable way for a man to treat her? Tell your man he needs a reality check and then give it to him. Hold your ground on this one and if he doesn't back off, ask him to go to counseling to readjust your expectations of one another with the help of a third party. You are doing your best and that's all he can expect or ask. Good luck!

wow.......totally not cool, and I'm willing to bet your issues as a couple run much deeper than the cleanliness of your home. how about you go out all day one day and leave him home with her, and ask him to take care of her properly and keep the house ship-shape. maybe he'll appreciate you more once he walks in your shoes.

Why is it that our spouses do this to us? They don't seem to understand the amount of stress our bodies went through during the pregnancy and delivery, and how we have to adjust to being a first time mom. It's a lot to handle for one person. Taking care of a newborn is a double full time job in itself, nevermind having to tend to house chores and the rest of the family when you don't have an ounce of energy left by the end of the day. S., I went through the same thing when my son was born. My son is now six and a half, but I definitely feel your pain. My now ex would do the same thing to me and even took it to the extent saying that he had put a hidden camera in the house to see what I had done all day. When my son was born, I worked full time at night while my ex worked full time in the day. I was constantly tired and started feeling overwhelmed feeling there just wasnt enough time in the day to accomplish everything to his liking. It got to the point that I became very depressed and our relationship suffered greatly. Our babies need us more than dirty dishes need us, and if your husband doesnt think the house is clean enough....have HIM clean it. Have HIM spend 24 hours with the baby AND get the housechores done...let's see how much he can accomplish. My best advice to you, is 'don't let it bother you'. I know its easier said than done, but we spend our lives trying to please our spouses and in the end, we are just burnt with exhaustion and we dont really live up to their standards. Its not worth it, its not worth your aggravation and your baby needs you now more than ever. One last thing, babies sense when their mothers arent emotionally happy so make the best of it and enjoy your baby as much as you can. Dishes will always be there, chores will always need to be done...but your baby will not be a newborn forever so enjoy these times as much as you can. And when your husband comes home complaining, say "It's clean enough right now" and if that's not good for him say "If it bothers you so much, then YOU clean it". But by all means, do NOT let his remarks get to you. Every mother knows how hard it is to be a first time mom and handle housework and work and everything else. You are not alone, and we know you dont sit around at home all day doing nothing...if that was the case, the baby would never be fed or bathed...so dont listen to him. When a man can give life as we can, THEN he can come and talk to me about parenting and not taking care of the house...until then...I dont wanna hear it.
Stay strong!!! Nip this problem at the bud!!!
Take care

*Liz*

Has your husband ever spent a whole day alone with his daughter??? Arrange a day when you are away for the WHOLE day and see how much house work he can get done. He will never give you a bad time again.

hi S.!
I also am a stay at home Mom for 7 years now.Before kids I worked 2 jobs (70hrs)i was very busy,and when my 1st came along evrything changed-it took a lot of getting used to.My husband is very old school (spoiled)and without saying expects cooking, cleaning, and well bred kids.I get to my boiling point and I will flip out because the pressure is just too much (he looks at me like i have 3 eyeballs when i do this)you have to let him know that the kids come first.I know that sometimes it feels like you "owe" it to them to have all these things done because they make all the money but you are the one caring for the child and the home (priceless) just take deep breaths and things will change-he also needs to get used to some things-always remember why you stay at home in the first place and as long as the everyday prep happens the other stuff will fall into place-you are doing great!!!!!MEN!

S........... Make a list of everything little thing you do in a given day, then when your husband gets home............ let him know ALL the stuff you did, and that is why the pantry isnt perfect!!!!

I'm sure he has clean clothes to wear to work everyday, and food in the house to eat............... And, I highly agree what others said, have him spend, a day or more with your child, and lets see how clean the house is then??????????????

Children demand a lot of time and need lots of caring.... I will say, you are doing a wonderful job, so dont even worry about this.......... I am a SAHM too, with two children... and gosh, I am running all day and just cant keep up!!
HUGS!!

Hi S., I feel your pain!!! The difference is that I work full time as a teacher and have 2 kids in diapers!!! It's so hard to balance it all isn't it??? They (our husbands that is) just don't see what is so difficult about playing for a few hours and getting lots done at the same time?? What helped me was when the opportunity came to give him a taste of my days... He was off from work for a few days, and I told him that if he was not working, then my mom wasnt comming over to watch the kids (she comes to my home at 6am each day and has them till I get home, I thank god for her!!) that he would have them (lord knows that if I have the day off it's assumed that I would have my children right??) Well, when I got home at 3:45pm, my husband, and 2 children were all still in their PJ's and the house was completly up-side-down!!!! as much as cringed at the mess, I have to say, it made a world of a difference!! Of course my questions began... you couldnt make our bed?? the kids beds?? did you get any lawndry done? did you empty the diswasher?? how about fill it with the dirty dishes?? did you fold and put any laundry away?? oh and did you feed, change, bathe, clip nails, brush hair and teeth of our children??????? give it to em good!!!!!! don't you feel bad at all!! I work, because it is my sanity, as much as my children are my world, I know I need some time away to appreciate them more. I give you credit for what you do!! It's a hard job and you deserve all the coodos in the world!! just enjoy that baby, time is going to fly!!!! L. C.

Hi S.,

I think your husband may have some other issues going on as well and is taking them out on you. Either way, you don't deserve to be treated like that. My husband used to do things like that to me and it drove me crazy. I explained that his words really hurt my feelings and that I do work hard to keep the house clean (not to mention taking care of 2 kids, a pool and helping at least 50% with the yard work). We talked about everything and his main issue was clutter. So, now as long as there is no clutter hanging around he doesn't bother me. I mean honestly, I don't think the man would notice if I stopped cleaning everything else in the house (I am not joking about this). The clutter just really bothers him (he will make a sandwich and leave crumbs and mayo on the counter but that doesn't bother him - go figure). Long story short - maybe there is just one thing that really bothers him and if you can find out what it is the other stuff won't really matter.

Listen to Cindy B's advice. You need to go away. One day may not do it - he might just luck out and get a "good day" when your daughter entertains herself and naps a lot(that happened to me when I tried this - that's how I know). Go away for at least 2 or 3 days, and he'll never know what hit him.

Hi S.,

The first thing I would ask is do you and your husband have a healthy intimate life? Men can feel replaced when baby comes along and they need physical intimacy to reassure them that everything is ok. When they feel like they're second fiddle to the kids, it can make them jealous and this can come out in vindictive ways (like being obsessive about the housework). I HIGHLY recommend reading the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" It transformed my marriage into a real partnership where we are mutually supportive of the very different roles we have in contributing to the family and raising our son. Until underlying issues between the two of you are resolved, he won't be receptive to learning any lesson by you taking off for the day - he will simply resent the fact that you got "time off" away from the family but he didn't. IMHO I don't think trying to teach him a lesson will solve the underlying issues.

Peace,

J.

S.

That's unbelievable!! I have a newsflash for you - there are times when you have children that you just can't get everything around the house done, the laundry piles up or the floors don't get washed when they should, etc, etc. The house gets even more neglected when you have 2 or 3 + kids, and that's ok. There will always be housework to get done - your kids are little once and it's gone in a flash. They come first!! You should plan a day when your husband has to stay home for the day with the baby. Leave him a list of household chores to get done (things that you would ordinarily do) and make sure that he plans and prepares dinner for you too. Better yet, have him do the foodshopping too - that's always fun with kids. You go to a spa or shopping or something or out with your girlfriends. It'll be interesting to see how he manages. More than likely he'll have new found respect and appreciation for you and everything you do. If that doesn't work you really need to have a heart to heart talk with him and express how what he says hurts you. I wish you the best.

Jen

I know where your coming from because I stayed home for about 10 years or so. My husband was not obessive about a clean house though. I did keep it clean but it always seemed cluttered which bothered me or than him.
When I would ask him for help he always threw it in my face that I stayed home and he worked and what did I do all day?

We had a big talk about it all. Maybe he is resenting you for staying home even though your raising your child, men tend to think that is not a "real" job.
I would tell him how your feeling and ask him to express why he feels the need to be that way.
Good luck

Your daughter, and your husband, are VERY lucky! You DO work -- 24/7, constantly, with no coffee breaks, no lunch breaks, no vacations, and no pay check. Raising a child is the hardest, most demanding, most IMPORTANT job in the world. If he's game to try, let him do your job, for a whole weekend. Then YOU cruise around, noting the messes. The small amount of income deferred (until your child is in full day full time school) is trivial compared to having your child share your values, your sense of Family, and your love. Our two Young Mothers tell me that (1) the income they'd get might just about equal the cost of child care, and (2) GOOD child care is VERY VERY hard to find. One Young Mother is a high school graduate, the other has an MBA. Each has a child in pre-K and one in full-time school. Both have worked for pay, and intend to "go back." When their Real Job permits it.

This is outrageous! He needs to try taking care of a toddler for a day all by himself and see how much he gets done! Men have no clue! I think all of them do this to some extent, but there is no excuse for it. Around mothers day there was a little segment on the news about working moms. It was determined that SAHM'S work on average 90 hours per week, the highest of all careers...even above CEO's! It was so nice to hear that reassurance as well as finally get it into my husband's thick head! I highly recommend you take off for a day and leave him alone with your daughter so that he can get a taste of his own medicine, or start writing down all the duties you perform during the day and then begin deligating tasks to him so that you can make his house "perfect!"

Hi S.:

My husband is the same way and I keep having to reiterate the fact that my 18 month old son requires constant attention! When I leave him alone with my son, nothing gets done and he understands better how difficult it really is. If I were you, I'd give my husband more time with your daughter so that he'll realize just how much work it is!

I suggest you turn the tables on your husband. Go out for an entire day by yourself or with girlfriends. Leave him to tend to the baby and the house. Maybe then he will find a better understanding and a deeper appreciation for all that you do.

your husband sounds abusive. it is abusive to demean you and expect you to be a slave. i suggest thinking about reentering the work force and getting a divorce before this dynamic and cycle continues on and the kids learn the behavior.

Hi S.,
WOW! your husband is obsessive....and obviously doesn't have a clue how much attention babies need. The first day that my husband spent with our little guy was when he realized what I do in a day. When I got home, he left, and came back with flowers for me and said," I really appreciate what you do."
Maybe your husband needs to spend a day with your daughter by himself (if he hasn't already). I don't think they understand how hard it can be until they experience it for themselves. Besides, you deserve a day to yourself:)
If that doesn't work then maybe you could talk him into seeing a counselor with you.
I know the first couple of months after we had our baby it was hard for me to not have a spotless house (my husband is complete opposite from yours....he's a slob and doesn't care if the house is clean or not) I finally realized that my baby is going to grow so fast and to enjoy every second with him and my 7 year old and the housework will get done when I get around to it.
You're husband needs to be reminded that life's to short to sweat the small stuff!!
Good luck to you!

Hi S. - I think it's really impossible to appreciate what a Mom does until we really experience it. I know that was true for me.

So it sounds like you may need to go away for a few days... How about a visit home? Or a girlfriends retreat?

What this guy really needs is a dose of reality. So give it to him! Simply make a plan to leave on a Friday evening and return on a Sunday evening...

I'm dying to know what he has to say the next Monday!

My husband was somewhat like this - raised in the 60's with a stay at home Mom and one brother. His house was perfect - his mother was perfect. His Dad worked, made money, came home, metted out discipline, got what he wanted from his wife, and then started over the next day.

That's what my husband expected. I, on the other hand, was raised by a working mother and we had 10 kids. Chaos and a messy house was normal...

He has since learned that life is to be LIVED while we are here!! Our house is not dirty, but I also am not the maid for everyone... So - over his protests, we live life and create memories for our child.

And she is living proof that it works. She is delightful and has many wonderful, fun, silly, happy, poignant memories.

If your husband can't lighten up, maybe it's time for him to get some help with it...

Wow.... Lets start with a nice little talk between you and your hubby.... Lets define the goals of your marriage and your duties to each other, your child, your work, your home, etc..... Everyone needs a refresher course and maybe a night away sans child may help to solidify where you're going. It sounds to me as if your husband might be a bit depressed and/or jealous of your new position in life. This may be more than the two of you can handle so don't hesitate to get professional help if the "talk barrier" breaks down. Don't even consider getting pregnant again until you feel confident that you don't need to have "the cleanest most perfect house on the block." I don't think it's a healthy attitude for anyone to feel this way (although I am sure that everyone on your block and me, too, is admiring of your home). Perfection is an illusion anyway.... Tell yourself that you are raising a family and not a house (words from my mother-in-law who raised six kids). Take care!

S., I feel badly saying this but it sounds like your husband is obsessive compulsive. There are some great responses, but I fear that even if you leave your daughter with him in order to help him understand the demands of a child and the house, he still won't get it. My friend has the same issues with her husband (I'd swear, you were describing the same man!) and they are currently in counseling. Talk to him, let him know how you feel. Tell him that when he complains it makes you feel crazy and that you simply cannot take it anymore. Ask him to go to counseling with you to straighten it out. Better to nip it in the bud now rather than let it fester. Good luck!

My husband is the same way. Go out of town for the weekend and leave him with your daughter. See how much he gets done. Seriously- it takes them walking in your shoes to get it. I used to clean like a mad woman out of guilt- and I got sick of it. So, I just let things go and just tuned him out and didn't respond when he started bitching. Then I went out of town for a weekend- and most of the bitching stopped. In fact, he got a cleaning lady to come every 2 weeks. Now, with the economy, we have gotten rid of her- but my son is in school part time and I have time to clean. I rarely hear a peep out of him over the matter. Trust me sister, you're not alone!

S.- I'm SO sorry your husband is behaving so badly and treating you so badly! As a SAHM to a 12 mo old daughter, I know how hard it is to get ANYTHING done some days... my husband has been quite supportive, but at times I feel like he can't even begin to understand how hectic my day can be. I have found that the best way to combat this is for him to be home with the baby for a day- usually the house is WAY messier when I get back then it ever is when I'm home. I wouldn't be vindictive about it, that won't get you anywere...just make plans to get away for even 4 or 5 hours....if all else fails, I would say some counseling may be in the cards. sometimes our loved ones will hear things from others that they won't hear from us...

good luck.

Hi S.,
I'm so sorry you and your hubby are going thru this. I am a grammy now. My children are grown with babes of their own. But, looking back, I went thru some of these issues with their father. I think I didn't really know what he had for expectations of me. and he didn't know my expectations. Do you think its really about the house being totally organized or is it something else. Does he feel you should be working or making money? Did he have a 'trauma' type experience during the birth of your daughter? (ya know some guys really cannot deal with it all and shouldn't be in the birth room til its all done.), Is he unhappy with how you look? (my children's father was totally unsupportive and unrealistic about my baby weight). Is there any romance in your relationship? Has the romance changed a lot? He may just miss your 'old' self. What do you want? Its so hard to redefine ourselves. Hopefully you can both discuss this with no blame, with a goal in mind for that redefinition. I hope he lighten's up on the house stuff.... does he help at all? I certainly know what it feels like to be unappreciated, and made to feel badly about myself. Try hanging around positive people too... good luck. Enjoy your daughter.
L. Bavota
Pure Romance by L.
www.lbpureromance.com

My husband was the same way at first. Then one day I got really sick & was in bed for a few days, leaving him to tend to everything. He hasn't really complained since. It's been about 4 years. Your husband just needs a bit of a wake up call. Men just don't get how much work it is until they actually have to do it. You may want to find something very important that you need to do for a whole day (when no one is available to help your husband, like his mom). That should fix his attitude. Good luck

Hand your husband the feather duster and take your 15 month old to the park! LOL.

Let him live a day in your shoes!!! Just one day ought to do it. Be sure to pick the day that the most needs to be done! Men just don't realize how the day flies by when you are taking care of the needs of a child. I'm sure he thinks you have it easy and sit at home eating bon bons and fanning yourself all day but he'll soon have a change of mind when he lives it himself. Picking a day when the baby is the crankiest would be good too!! :)

Don't feel like less because of him! The most important thing is that you are giving your daughter the attention she needs, to heck with a few dirty dishes. My husband isn't that obsessive, but does have the comments about keeping up with the house now and then. So I scheduled a wkend away with my friends and he had our son all wkend. When I got home he was pooped and said "Wow, that was hard, I would rather go to work, it is easier than this...it is just so constant!" Meaning the minute to minute time with our son. Men do not realize that you are constantly busy with your child. The house was a wreck too, he couldn't possible, he admitted, keep up with the baby and clean as well! It was a good lesson to him and made me feel rather valedated!

Wow- did you hit a nerve with this question! I am a newly SAHM too. I have a 3 yr old and am expecting in August. I cant tell you how many arguments my husband and I have gotten in too about this. His laundry is always clean and the house is clean. When we finally sat down over a beer (for him!) it came down to the "clutter". Not that he thought the house was dirty. He explained that he had a stressful day at work and coming home to even one room of toy clutter stresses him out. So I agreed that I can have fun with my son but we can set up rules for him that by dinner time, all the toys need to be put away and the house picked up for daddy. This really has worked, especially for my son. It is a very good teaching tool that life is not all fun. Even at daycare, they have to clean up at the end of the day.

It has been 6 mths for me staying home. It really is a balance in respect I think. Some SAHM think the world revolves around them and how hard they have it with their child. Just remember that our husbands go to work so that we can be home with the kids and we have to respect how hard and stressful it is for them. My husband told me that early in my staying home, he had an overwhelming sense of responsibility. That he was now carrying the financial burden and didnt want to let us down.

Hope this helps.

It only took a day away from home to get my husband to say, "I don't know how you do it!!" He needs some time to steer the ship.

I read the advice saying you need a week away, but who can actually do that? So even a day-- a FULL day. Pick the next Saturday and plan a full day away. But don't tell him you are trying to teach him a lesson, or he won't get it. Tell him you need some time to get things in order and shop for organizational supplies to help with the clutter, do doctors appointments, even visit a sick, out-of-town relative. Whatever it is, leave him to the child care on a 'real' day (no make-ahead meals, no pre-set playdates, leave laundry to be folded, etc.) then just go. Your child will be fine. Your husband will be fine. But I think he'll feel just how humbling it can be to juggle a baby and chores.

Another tip? Make sure he visits other people with kids! Whenever my husband go with us to a birthday party or a play date, he always feels better about how our house looks! Good luck!

Tell him to clean it himself if he doesn't like it. You're not a slave. You're at home raising your daughter and that is a full time job itself.

I found the best way to deal with this is put them in the same situation.
Take a day just for you. leave the baby with him all day and then come home and ask why things are not done to your liking. You have to let him see that what you do all day is very hard work and very tiring. I bet he can't handle half of what you accomplish in a day.

I think he needs a day or more in your shoes. Try to arrange it and see how he does. If it doesn't enlighten him get outside help. If it does enlighten him make sure you plan to do it every now and then to keep him in tuned. Good Luck.

Hi S.,
I'm the mother of 4 boys ages 16,7,4, and almost 3. I worked FT and my house tends to get messy. My husband work a FT job and he is self employed at his other job. You need to show you husband how hard it is to take care of your daughter and complete household tasks. I suggested taking a day off and having him take care of your daughter for the day. You should make a list of chores that you would normal complete during day and he should try it himself. They only way they learn is to experience it themselves. Good Luck Ruth

The other wonderful Moms out there are right, he'll never appreciate your job until you have him step in and take over. If he came from a home where the Mom did it all, that's what he'll expect of you. But today is very different, especially as the kids get into their activities. You also had a career of your own, so you know that at times staying home to raise the kids is soooo much harder than going to work. So, you've got to help him see what exactly it means to stay home too.

Do it now, because as your child gets older, and/or you add more children to your family, the hands-on needs of the kids will only multiply when they start getting into school, activities, etc. You should also prepare him that there are "Moms busy seasons", getting everything done for the holidays, and end-of-school-year demands, where the house chores have to fall to the back burner. Don't try to keep up with it all, as is our natural instinct. Tell him busy time is coming and give him explicit things to help with.

In the meantime though, have you heard Lonestar's "Mr. Mom" song? It'll add some much needed levity: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wc0nOjv26xQ
Enjoy, and good for you for reaching out for help! You can go back to having a happy marriage, just keep communicating and get him more involved in the home life! He'll feel more a part of things too which will strengthen the family bond.

Hi S., I feel your frustrations. I too have struggled over the years with the battle of being a stay at home mom with a husband who questioned whether or not I was actually doing anything while home. We have had many 'discussions' regarding the amount of work that goes into being a stay at home mom and we do not get the proper recognition! My oldest is almost 8 and even still there are times when he gets frustrated and throws out that point of my being at home and perhaps I should get a job! We both agree that being at home with the kids is very important and over the years he has come to realize how much work is involved in raising the kids, their activities and cleaning house! He usually complains mostly when he is stressing out over the finances and how to make ends meet and the pressure of being the only money maker in the family. I have given a little and so has he over the years because I understand the pressures he is under to keep our lifestyle and do what is best for our children. It would be great if you could switch roles temporarily perhaps as I read in another response that way he could see first hand what it takes. But also, be sure to communicate..maybe make a list of your daily activities and discuss that playing with your child and feeding and nappping them and all that stuff takes up precious time and is necessary for the the child! But on your part, try to be as understanding as you can with the fact that he may have lots of pressure on his shoulders. Especially in these times where prices are increasing everywhere. Or may he is just envious that you get to be home and 'play' with your child. Whatever the reason try to communicate so that you can enjoy this time home with your child! It is difficult and as I said we still struggle with it now. Good Luck, I hope I said something that might help you out!
M.

Take heart I had a similar problem with my husband. He said I was no fun anymore and that I was using our daughter as an excuse not to go out and do things - like hiking. Our daughter is 4-1/2 months and a preemie so she REALLY doesn't fit into a 'hiking' backpack. Anyway I broke down one day and told him that I could use some help from him instead of him pushing back at me. I needed his support not critisium. He calmed down after that. I'm not says that your husband will be as easy to change but maybe if he spends a whole day with your daughter and ask him to clean the house and make dinner he will sing a different tune. Your husband does need to understand being a stay at home parent is very hard and you are doing what your daughter needs more than what he needs since he can do for himself. Also you can talk to your ped. and ask for their advice. The first thing our ped. said to me and my husband was - you don't need a perfectly clean house - the baby is more important. Of course I wanted my husband to pick up the slack but it didn't happen. Good luck.

Yeah, I think this is a common complaint of SAHM's. DH's just don't realize how much it takes to manage the children (child) during the day.

My suggestion would be to arrange for him to be home for a day with your daughter. I think it would help him to understand how hard it is to squeeze in everything. I know when my DH stays home he has a new appreciation for how hard I work.

GL to you.

I think they are all like this! I've been home since my daughter was born, she's now 2, and he always says that. I have learned to ignore it now. But I use to get so mad and say "why don't you stay home for a week and see what you get done"!! One thing i started to do was stop picking up after him. He is terrible about leaving things around the house like socks, drink cups, random clothes and he won't load the dishwasher if his life depended on it! So if he ticks me off by complaining the house is a mess then I remind him his things are all over!! I also say "you didn't marry a perfect women, and I am not going to spend all of my time cleaning the house. I didn't stay home to clean the house, I stayed home to be with our daughter and raise her." Sorry I don't have any good advice but just know you aren't alone!!

I went through the same thing. It is so common for men to do that...I am not saying that they all do because I know that is not true! Let him know that you are workinghard to raise your daughter and that you are doing the same anout of house keeping you did when you worked out of the house. A stay at home mom is not the same as a stay at home maid! You are working from home now...just a different job! Raising a child is a 24/7 job, and while it is the most rewarding job on earth, it is often thankless and many times challenging. When your husband leaves work, his job stays there. Speak up now or it only gets much, much worse from here. I speak from experience! Best of Luck to you!!!!

Hi S.,
It sounds like you are a great mother and a wonderful caring wife. If your pantry isn't organized--- who cares! Having a neat house isn't everything. If you are doing the best you can do, tell your husband that. You may need to sit him down and tell him how he is making you feel. You may need to write him a letter and have him read the information, so he can think about it. You may have to go to counseling if things don't improve with him. Life gets very busy. As long as you put your daughter first during the day, then I say the housework can wait. You may need to ask him how he is feeling. Maybe he feels like he isn't getting attention for some reason. But instead of stating it, he is focusing on something else. Sometimes when men try to find fault with their wives, there is something else underlying it. Maybe it is his feelings, or maybe stress at work or something else. Either way, he shouldn't be doing that to you. You can state, well I think I do a great job of taking care of our daughter and the house. (which is really a full time job or more) If he comments about the pantry, I would also suggest he organize it if he isn't happy with it. But, if he is nitpicking about everything, and you confront him, or talk to him and he is defensive or continues it.......and doesn't recognize that he is hurting you then I would definitely seek counseling. You don't deserve to be treated that way! good luck!
M.

i had the same problem with my boyfriend. not that he thought i was just sitting around but kind of expected the house to be a little neater than it was. let your husband have your daughter for a few days......alone. see how he handles it and try to get stuff done around the house. you need time off to so maybe plan some little day trips for yourself and allow him his time. good luck!

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Hi S.,

I know exactly what you are talking about. It is not just your husband it is men in general! However I think your husband is a little worse than mine though. But I have an 18 month old and I am also 23 weeks pregnant! He complains when I don't cook dinner every night or if they laundry is piled up. I tell him to live just one day in my shoes and he says no thanks. Because he knows how hard it is to take care of a young baby never mind all the housework and laundry and cooking as well.
Just tell him that it is like that for EVERY mother even STAY AT HOME MOMS (which I am also by the way). He can hire a cleaning person for you and you can just take care of your daughter and ENJOY your daughter and your life. I was always a clean freak (really bad) my husband would complain I was too clean and needed to sit down and relax. Now he is complaining I am not doing enough. He needs to be pregnant and have an 18 month old to take care of 24/7 with no help mind you for 1 day. He would never survive. Men are so clueless and stupid sometimes! Don't get me wrong he is a great guy and a wonderful father but some comments that come out of his mouth, man! But I put him in his place and shut him up. Tell your husband I said for all the woman/mothers out there to BACK OFF! Good luck, I hope I at least man you feel a little better, you are not alone.

Oh, that sounds really annoying. Maybe you could switch duties for a few days, and he will learn to respect how hard you work. I mean, if he has to walk in your mocassins for a few days, he will beg to go back to work. I remember going back to work and thinking: wow, this is a piece of cake, and they even pay me for it? Friends of mine said the same.

I have been a professional with an exciting, exhausting career for a long time without kids. After a 15 months staying at home with my first, i can definitely say: working is much easier. I am now staying home with our second child, its great, but i know it's again more exhausting than working professionally was.

If you can't or do not want to switch duties with your husband, i would still have a good, honest talk about expectations, feelings and just describing your day to him and vice versa, so you better understand each other. It's so easy to cummunicate too litte as young parents, at least that's our experience.

good luck,
D.

Hi S.,

It sounds like there's something else going on with your husband besides your lack of perfect housekeeping. Is he having a difficult time at work? or trouble with other family relationships? Does he need more encouragement and "building up" personally from you? Does he feel "replaced" in your affection by your daughter?

Having been married 36 years now, we've learned that sometimes, unconsciously, we take our hurts and hang-ups out on those we love the most just because we think we can! We transfer our frustrations/disappoinments from some other realm to our spouse.

Is it possible to have a heart to heart conversation with your husband? focusing on him and what's going on inside him? Men aren't always the best communicators....with others or with themselves! :) They need a little help exploring! If you can, help him understand by using "I" statements....ie."I'm feeling there's something more to what's bothering you." If you use the "you" statements, ie. "You make me feel.....you should do .....Why don't you......" that puts him on the defensive and you won't get very far. Could be too, if you both are willing, that you need an objective third party to listen to you both and help reflect back to you what they're hearing each of you say. A counselor, pastor, good friend of both of you?

I encourage you not to sit on this as it will only fester and both of you will become more and more resentful over time. I'll be praying for you and your marriage!

B.

Hi S.:

My husband does the same thing but my house is nowhere near the neatest cleanest house on the street and he can talk about it until he is blue in the face. I ask him when you met me what did you think about? His answer is never: "This woman is going to cook for me, clean for me, keep a perfect house. etc. (i.e. this woman is "June Cleaver!!!'

I am now a stay at home mom to 5 month old twins and while I was in the corporate world I took a course on "How to Deal with Difficult People." While this is not a cure for what's going on in your marriage, one of the ways to minimize what he is saying really getting to you is when he is going on one of his rants look at him but instead of listening and taking in every hurtful word he is saying you spell the words he is saying in your mind. This way it appears as though you are listening but you really aren't taking in everything because you are concentrating on the spelling. I used to do it with my horrible boss - it works pretty well.

Secondly, please go to this website and print this article. http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/Rai...

It is an article from 2007 that computes the worth of a stay at home mom if she received a salary for everything she does. Basically, a stay at home mom in 2007 was worth more than $138,000 per year !

You may want to consider marriage counseling to work through these issues. If you let them linger it will be harder to fix and more resentment will build up towards him. Unfortunately most people don't change but YOU can change how you react to him. If he won't consider counseling, do it yourself to work on ways to respond to him that make you feel better.

Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.

Take care.

This happens a lot when the woman stops bringing home $$ and the husband feels the financial pressure. But the rest of it can be pure sexism. The best thing to do is to take a weekend off - go away with a girlfriend, go visit family, whatever, and leave him home to bond with his little girl. He will see how much he DOESN'T get done and how many things get in the way - kids aren't on a perfect schedule, meals don't cook themselves, the work gets interrupted because the child care is constant or she doesn't nap as long as she might or she falls and needs a band-aid. Or there was a butterfly that merited your attention and fascination. THAT'S why you're home! It's NOT to straighten up the pantry. Try scheduling some time for him with his daughter at least once a month, and then GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! And don't have a cell phone on all the time. He will learn, and he will ultimately respect what you do. He might even enjoy the time and learn that the most important part of child rearing is, well, child rearing! Not washing the kitchen floor. I have a magnet on my fridge which says "Dull Women Have Immaculate Homes." That's my motto! Andn I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." He can say what he wants but you don't have to take it to heart. Just because he is insistent doesn't mean he is right. Good luck

S.,

It looks like you have been overrun with suggestions. I feel that I can relate to you too having gone through similiar situatons. I think that out of all the ideas, Bonnie O. had the best. We're not familiar with your entire life enough to even be making any judgements about you husband or your life, but I personally think the first place to start is by trying to talk to him if that's an option for you. Maybe it's only a lack of communication; maybe something more is there, but youhave to start somewhere. As long as you feel safe that's the main concern. Either way, I'll have you in my prayers. Good luck.

-M.

This is simple! Hubby needs a wake-up call. He needs to stay home for a day alone with your little one to realize how difficult it is to manage it all. While he is doing that you can spend the day at a spa or shopping, whatever makes you happy. You deserve it!!!

I am appalled to hear your hubby is treating you this way! It is hard enough being a mom, never mind trying to please your husband! First off, the housework will always be there...your child will grow up before your eyes and I am sure you will not look back someday and wish you had done more housework! You will wish you spent every moment with your child! Leave him home for a day with your child and see how much HE gets done!

Put your foot down now, its a control thing/he wants to be in total control of you and tell him you do not like being a battered wife. Tell him if he does not like the inside of the cabinets to clean them himself.

Is this the first time you have seen this behavior???

Also seek some counseling in your area, no one should have to live like this ever. Do not feel useless, though i know that is hard to do. Doing housework and take-ing care of a toddler is hard and tiring work, have you thought of getting a part-time job on the weekends, so you can get out of the home and let you control freak of a husband take over for a whlle??? that usually puts out this fire, it did for me.

good luck to you

When he can take some vacation time leave him for a week with your daughter alone. His standards for the house might change when he realizes how much time she needs during the day and what little bits of time you have to work on any one project.

I haven't read the other posts, but leave him alone with your daughter for a FULL day and maybe then he will understand. You may be a little sensitive to even the slightest comment. We all can do that at times, even when he meant statements differently.

Talk to him and ask him if he really means these things OR does he just feel his needs are not being met.

Miscommunication is often the problem.....Men and women think
SO.....differently!

S.

I agree with Naomi. Leave him alone for a couple of days with your daughter. It will be a great break for you and he will find out what it's like taking complete care of a 15 month old. I have one 11 year old and I have gone away with my sisters for a long weekend every year since he was born. My husband found out how difficult it is to just keep up with a baby when my son was just 9 months old. It was very hard for me to leave them for a few days, but VERY worth it.

Take a break!!!

R. z

My initial thought is that your husband is jealous that you get to stay home and he has to go to work. My husband kind of went through that for a bit but definatley not to your extreme. I say let him watch the baby and clean the house for a whole day and see how much he gets done. Please don't let him make you feel worthless. You are doing a great job and the hardest and most important job anyone could do-being a mom. Remind your husband that you guys are fortunate enough for you to be able to stay at home with your daughter and you don't have to put her in daycare. Your daughter comes first and housework is second during the day. There must be an underlying issue here. Talk to him, explain how that makes you feel when he says that to you. Good luck.
M.