How Much Do You Play with Children, Moms/grandmas?

I was wondering the same thing! I have a two year old and a newborn. I have been feeling guilty for not spending more time with my two year old. I get bored really fast when I sit down and play with her. I feel bad about it. But it is so hard with a newborn and all the chores to do. Anyway I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone!

Don't feel guilty! I'm fortunate to be a sahm, but sometimes I still have to consciously stop what I'm doing (housework, bills, etc) and play with my 14 month old. She is happy playing by herself most of the time, but she really lights up when I play with her. Sometimes I just chase her (or pretend to), and she smiles and giggles. Especially when I catch her! Sometimes playing with her means getting on the floor with her, but sometimes it's just making silly faces or having a "conversation" with her. Cheer up, you're doing great!

What an incredibly important question. I'm going to give you-- as a mom, grandmom, preschool teacher and human -- two answers:
first answer -- I think you are quite right- that some Moms' didn't play with their children at all---a generation or so ago--- they left that to siblings, neighborhood friends and school---. But the Moms' that have the best bond with their children -- that serves the PARENTS' best as the children move into adolescence and adulthood - DID play with their kids -- at least some--- otherwise - how do you know when a child is moving too close to bullying- too close to withdrawing in fear from activities that would be good for them- too close to ---------any extreme?? - HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?> Further- when you play with your child- you say to him/her'''' you as a human matter to me-- what you like- what you know - who you are - is important -not just by what I am saying- but by what I am doing'''' -- and children beleive our body language. Really, really easy to SAY ''' I love my kids'' but much different to show it with your body language- taking them to the pool and getting in their with them and playing --- going in the back yard and pretending to hunt for tigers or walk to the store to buy candy or ----- it doesn't matter what you PLAY it matters that you spend that time interacting with them- and following their interests. You are -- in my educated and biased opinion- exactly correct--- 30 minutes once or twice a day is perfect--- often enough that it's not rare- rare enough that they don't think they HAVE to have you involved to play-- perfect.

You get a star

Blessings,
Oh-- almost forgot -- 2nd answer - take that guilt and flush it away-- it is toxic and nasty and hurts all of you-- you have nothing to feel guilty about -- it's the Moms ( and they exist- and always have - sad to say) who say '''what do you MEAN -- I took 'em to the pool for an hour just last week- and they were awful- nothing I ever do for those kids is good enough- I just gave up '''' --THAT's the mom who should allow guilt to shove her into new behaviour- but it's not likely to happen.

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom ( am 64 and helping raise a 10 and a 4 year old - thank God I have a high-energy- kid-loving adult child who helps me by being the ''energy'' that allows me to piggy back along with her to the park and the pool and the play-field - cause there are days I am just pooped. But it is such a priviledge- and it goes so fast.

:-)

Heather,
It's not the amount of time but the quality of time. Also, drop the guilt as it's not healthy. Some days you just can't do the playtime. They will still grow into healthy, happy adults because you care. That shows in your question. You can always interact (play) even when you're paying bills, etc. I would have my kids make a menu - they can draw pictures of food if they can't write. They would come to my desk (I was a business person at a lunch meeting), take my order (spend time deciding and ask how things are made), cook/prepare my meal (quickly pay a few bills while they're gone), bring my food (don't forget to compliment the chef), order dessert (pay a few more bills) and pay the tab. See, anything can be playtime with the kids. You get to interact and they get to imagine while they're cooking. I used to hear mine talking through the "cooking" about how to make food.
Good luck.

I guess we (my hubby and I) dont spend a lot of time "playing" as you define it with our children. We both work full time and the majority of our spare time is devoted to the kids...however this does include the cleaning/setup/fixing/bathing type stuff. we have dinner together and talk about our day everyday. The kids love to get out their little brooms and "help" clean up dinner and set the table. To some this might not seem like "playing" but it is quality time that we spend together. and we spend time together on the rug playing (whatever) before bed... If they (4.5 and 2) are happily playing together I let them, if they want time with mom, I give it to them...they usually want me to read books or snuggle with cartoons rather than do playdough or color... I don't think that we ever feel (or at least I dont) that any amount of time is enough. But I figure as long as they are content and enjoying the activity (whether it be you watching them play soccer or playing hide and seek with them, or cleaning up dinner) its GOOD QUALITY time...and what is right for one child may be not enough or too much for another.

Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have TONS of responsibility and more than 24 hours in each day? Then we each could be the perfect mom! Don't be so hard on yourself. You are consciencely parenting your children and that is a crucial part of your children's development!

Funny you said a generation ago they didn't play with their kids as much and had no guilt. My mom 50 some years ago played with me a lot! She did a lot with me taught me to swim, played games with me, read to me, sat side by side with me while I did homework, talked to me. I then had children close to 30 years ago and I also went out and pushed them on the swings, and played with them. Did a lot of activities with them and stayed home to raise them. Then came the working generation......and daycares played with the kids instead, and tired parents came home and dealt with the leftover energy. I still have 3 kids at home, but the youngest is 12. At this point they are actively involved with other things, but while they were young, I still managed to take them and watch them the whole time in swimming, baseball, soccer, we play games as a family and had a lot of family activities. I played with them and did art projects with them, we baked together, and I taught them chores side by side. I don't really know how much time a day I spent doing that......I suppose an hour or two, but in the past 5 years it has tappered down quite a bit. Now it's more like 1/2 an hour on a good day because they just have other interests that don't include mom right now. A lot has to do with the role model you had as a kid? I'd be interested to see how the other moms do. I know with all the stuff going on, it is hard to spend time with the kids quality time anyway. They have friends, we are the parents, so don't feel bad if you don't spend tons of time just on them. They need to also learn they aren't the center of the universe LOL and that mom has a life too....and responsibilities.

We live in a society that demands so much of mom's and dad's now...gotta work, gotta get a degree, gotta spend all this time with kids, making the American dream, keeping healthy....AHHH!!! And on top of that we're expected to have perfect marriages, homes, children, and all the accessories that go with it. Honestly if your kids play beautifully during ONE day you are so ahead of the game. I am a stay at home mom with a business, a new baby, and schoolwork and the toddlers play together so there are times when I don't get down there. Do I feel guilty? Oh yeah! Should I? Probably not...they are learning important social skills and I am making a life for them.

Are there times when I should set things aside to be with them? Yeah - you know it and I know it - and the bottom line is that we do. My husband tells me all the time when I tell him what a horrible mom I am that we do ten time's the amount of things with our kids that our parents ever did with us. They are happy, healthy and you need a moment or two too. Take it easy sweetie - you ARE doing a good job!

Granny and Poppie have just spent 2-plus intensive days with our Grandboy 3.5, much of that time spent playing. We both find the actual games crazy-boring, but I more than make up for that through the natural fascination of watching this small person developing his capacities and understanding, not to mention his imagination.

A recent investigation of child development among poor children showed that the single best predictor of a child's academic and professional success is the size of their vocabularies, which are developed in the first few years. One of the greatest predictors of their future motivation and self esteem is the amount of positive attention adults (parents or other caretakers) offer. This can, but doesn't have to, come in the form of play. Having the child help with adult activities is also beneficial, as long as our expectations are age-appropriate.

So, Poppie and I talk quite a bit during those repetitive games, often narrating the scenes with new vocabulary. His parents do the same. Our grandboy has a truly astonishing number of words, phrases, terms and concepts available for his imaginative use.

Plus we sometimes suggest variations on the games themselves, which he usually finds pretty engaging. Following the Montessori wisdom that the child himself knows instinctively what he needs to do to develop his skills and imagination, we don't try to "run" his games. We just suggest, which sometimes enhances, and often makes a new moment of real discovery or just pure fun available to him, like low-hanging fruit.

I love the time to also help ingrain positive habits like sharing, cooperating, and using polite language. None of this is demanded, just a natural part of the activity. It's working fabulously well.

Having said all that, I think this level of interaction is not possible for most parents. I wasn't able to give my daughter nearly as much one-on-one when I was a single working mom. But I did make some special time with her every day, and took time every night to settle in beside her for some quiet conversation. She was quite content with that.

I love to play with my kids...and before too long, they stop wanting to play with YOU, so don't play out of a sense of guilt or that you "have to". Play because that is one of the great joys of having them! They will take you back to your playful space in your heart--the place you were never meant to grow out of as you "grew up".

But then, I run a business about toys designed for playing together with the kids.

Enjoy!!!

This is an interesting question that my best friend and I have discussed a lot. It's not so much about how our grandparents interacted with us, but how our ancestors would have done it from an evolutionary aspect. We live so far outside of the continuum that we've had to adapt to our new life-style. I firmly believe that adults are not designed to play childrens games for very long. Other children, especially slightly older children are best suited to play, teach and explore with younger kids. Humans should be living in small communities where there are lots of kids of many ages. Adults then do adult things and perhaps a small amount of teaching and interacting with the kids and the kids play with each other..

That being said, we simply don't live like that, so adults are now forced to spend many hours a day playing kid games that really get quite dull after a while. It's really important to get your kids out of the house every day for social interaction..

I make sure that my son gets some play time every day, either with me or for a couple of hours with friends. Also his father usually spends about 30 minutes a day playing pretend games or running energy out of him after work.

My children are all grown now but I played with them as much as I possibly could and still do with the grandkids! My mother-in-law has told me recently that she always admired and envied me in that whenever the kids would ask me to play I would stop what I was doing (washing dishes, folding clothes, whatever) and get down and play with them. I even taught my grandchildren how to roll down hills because their mothers wouldn't lay down on the ground! Play to your hearts content, the kids remember and will always love that you did. I know mine do!

I don't think you actually need to get involved in the pretend play and such as often as you are forcing yourself too... unless you actually enjoy that. I know I for one, get so bored with playing cars, little people, Barbies, and such. When adults play those types of things with the kids, they don't learn nearly as much as they do when they play them with others. Adults tend to either lead too much and make all the rules, thus not giving the child a chance to develop his imagination, or they follow too much teaching the child a false sense of leadership. With other kids playing instead, they would learn to lead their peers, how to take turns, and how to compromise.
Having said that, I think that the ways that we should (or at least I) spend time with kids is engaging them in my activities or finding common activities... bike riding, baking, shopping, talking, helping with homework, etc. Quality time with your kids is just time that you are really paying attention to them and allowing them to just be themselves and interact with you. If you are playing something that doesn't feel natural for you, and you are pretending to be something you are not just to spend time together, then your kids are not really getting to know YOU! It is totally okay though every once and a while to fill in as your child's playmate when they are lonely or have no one else to play with for a while and ask you to. I think it is important though to be honest with them about what activities you enjoy and which you don't.

Hi Heather,

Thank you for asking such a thought-provoking question. I currently stay home with my son (he's two) and couldn't begin to quantify exactly how much I sit down and play with him. Instead, he is so interested in what I do that I try to include him as much as possible. Since he's an only child, we make an effort to arrange playdates as well. We sing songs and work puzzles and he loves opportunities to practice cutting softer foods, and is interested in cooking. (Last night he was chanting "stirring the noodles! strain the noodles!") All of this is play for him because he's exploring what he's interested in.

A friend of mine occasionally quotes a study which found that most mothers would prefer to do the dishes than engage in 20 minutes of fantasy play with their children. As someone who has taken care of other people's children for years, I would strongly agree with this. We adults aren't always adept in these areas. One of my preschool-teacher friends says that adults tend to ruin the fantasy of the child's play because we bring our own harsh dose of reality. We can't seem to help ourselves--the kids do it spontaneously so much better.

Play is very interesting in regard to our relationships with our kids. What I've read so far is that each parent has their own way of engaging with their children without taking away from the child's experience. (one example was the mother who didn't draw beyond her child's ability so as not to discourage). Games are a fun way to connect, provided there's no big winner/loser scenarios.

You were right to point out that mothers used to be more valued (and, I dare say it, *valued themselves more*) for their work in the home. I think the gender politics which have arisen in the past thirty-plus years surrounding the idea of mothers entering the workforce has really changed how we perceive the time mothers spend with their children. Mothers who work in home might feel more pressured/guilt to play and be more child-focused than they used to because staying at home with our kids went from being the 'norm' to being a choice. However, our jobs at home became more streamlined with the advent of modern appliances and women found they had more time available. Anymore, if a mother chooses not to work and doesn't claim that her staying home is "for the kids", she's quite a unique creature. Add to this the social conflict between mothers who work in the home and those who work outside it (and often have to still do chores and manage the house), and the idea of playing with the children takes on perhaps more importance than is reasonable.

I like the idea of play as a way of connecting with our children, but not as the only way of doing this. Working parents can also find this connection at the end of the day with a family meal or, if time doesn't permit, a quiet time at the end of the day to talk, work a craft, or to honor a coming-together at bedtime to read stories and hear about their day. Even children who have been playing all day with caregivers will love to spend some time with their parents where they are getting most of the attention.

Thanks again for such an interesting question!

We initiate family time when my husband is home in the evenings, or we will have special "dates" (husband takes out one and I take out the other), but generally, I do not initiate play time unless they ask me! If they do well playing on their own...let it be! No guilt! Feeling guilty for no reason is a waste of your emotions! Just love on your kids throughout the day, you are at home with them, and this is enough! If they ask you to play, give them 30 minutes...but chances are they won't ask you to play everyday! This is my take:-)

Ditto Judy!! Dump the guilt, it's toxic. (Yeah, right, I know. I think I spend half of my mental power trying to dump mum-guilt. If the mum-guilt wasn't there...I don't even want to THINK about how much more I could accomplish, and how much happier I'd be. Just by not tieing myself up in knots, and enjoying life and my son and all this rather crazy place has to offer.)

You know, probably the single most important thing I've noticed in spending time with kids...is that you have to WANT to. Even if you can only squeak in 10 minutes...if it's obvious that you WANT to be with them, are excited by them, enjoy their company...they blossom under that light. IMO it's better to tell a child "not right now, love...but in "x"minutes, or after 'y'." than to force yourself to spend time you don't have with them. Kids GET when they're wanted, or when you'd rather be elsewhere.

But as to your question:

Not as much as I used to!

If you don't count cleaning (we turn on music and dance while we clean...everything from Swing to Punk to The Devil Went Down to Georgia...I DESPISE cleaning, so I have to make it fun, in order for it to happen on a regular basis)...I USED to play with my son 5 or 6 hours a day.

One of the ironies about homeschooling is that we actually spend time thinking up ways and rearranging schedules to get our son away from US and around other people...playing with other kids, learning from or playing under the guidance other adults, etc. We spend so much time together, that our biggest fret is ensuring that he has at least an hour (most days) where "Mum! Champion of all that is right in the world (and whether or not I'm standing up straight)" isn't looking over his shoulder...so that he has time to learn who he is on his own. It's harder than you might think. Most kids are in school until four...and then their parents are trying to get a little time with them before dinner/bath/bedtime. So we mostly do it through sports/classes/camps. Sigh. I WISH some kids near his age would move into our neighborhood.

I'm with you though, on finding that balance. I'm WITH my son so much (and half of teaching is playing)...that I have to consciously remember to take off my teacher hat and climb trees without talking physics or biology, or build without talking engineering or architecture, or paint without talking science or history...It's HARD. When I can manage to do it, and just have silly time...it's sooooo worth it.

These days, with my teaching hat OFF...I typically manage half an hour to an hour of out and out silly time.

I'm so glad you asked this question, because I wonder about it all the time.

I'm a SAHM of a 4 year old boy,and I find that sometimes playing with him can be really boring and hard for me to engage in with as much enthusiasm as he has. I am right there with you with about how much time I spend playing with him, doing what HE wants to do. We also tend to have at least one other activity a day, whether it's a park or a playdate, when he's not at preschool. I've found that 1 or 2 dedicated play sessions really satisfies his need to interact, and being "present" while I'm playing with him for shorter amounts of time, rather than being distracted for longer time periods is best.

I agree with you that the expectation these days for moms to play with their kids is MUCH different than it was when we were children, and there's a lot of guilt involved. I don't remember my mom playing with me at all...

I recently read, and highly recommend the book, "I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids". It talks a lot about the expectations we as mothers put on ourselves which causes so many of us to be unhappy, and how to be more realistic about what it takes to be a successful parent.

You can't play too much with your children! So don't worry about it.

The only thing I try not to do is draw with her - if I do I try to draw at her level.

Imaginative play is great because then I give her ideas of what to do - last night she had a magic wand - a rhythm stick with yarn tied around it - she waved it - threw a blanket over me and declared me invisible.

I admit I get tired of playing but even when I'm reading - I'll make a boat with legs which she will entertain herself with.

Wow, you're doing great I'd say! I really don't enjoy playing make believe ("house", Barbies, etc.) so when my girls ask me to do that I usually only play for a little while or have something else to do! I usually offer to play a board game, card game, read a book, play catch - something more hands on. So I suppose that is different for every mom.

I've never had specific play times during my days with my girls. I try to spend time doing something with them other than just being around in the same room doing separate things. However, I think that for my girls they're just as excited to have me jump in with a supportive comment or play along when they're playing make believe and I'm doing housework. If they run in dressed up as Star Wars characters and they say, "Help me Obiwan Kenobi!" I quickly help and they run along and I resume my work.

Being there for them and being supportive and interested in what they like is really important. But I never really had "get-down-on-the-floor-and-play" adults in my life, and I've got a very tight, close-knit, loving extended family. My husband, on the other hand, is always down roughhousing and doing hands-on kind of stuff!

You sound like you're doing great, so don't second guess yourself!
js

My kids are considerably older now, but I played with when I got home each evening from work. Whether it was playing with my daughter and her doll house, the boys and their legos, puzzles, games or having them help me with getting dinner ready, setting the table, counting out the potatoes or carrots or helping me sort the laundry, fold the washcloths or match the socks. We drew pictures of each other, wrote letters, even when they were toddlers, helping to develop fine motor skills. One of my favorite memories of being a child and my home playing with me was having picnics in our front yard. She would take a blanket, spread it out on the lawn. We'd have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and drink kool-aid. Then we'd lay on our backs and watch the big puffy clouds sail by on the blue sky. We'd look at the shapes and talk about things, any thing. She would take us berry picking or go swimming with us. Taught us how to bake cakes from scratch, no mixes at our house when I was young. Learning how to bake bread and cinnamon rolls or how to can fruits and vegetables. We had our friends, but we learned how to be friends from our parents and the interaction with each other. I miss those playtimes now that my kids are in college. We make time to do things together, whether it's going to a movie, planting and carrying for a garden, playing a board game, etc. My Dad had a motto: "The family that ______________ together stays together." Fill in the blank with the appropriate activity. The family that plays together, stays together. I'm so lucky I had parents who loved their kids enough to take the time to play with them, and they still do that with their grandkids.

Quite honestly - it depends on the day and what is going on in our house. I a mother who is working 2 1/2 jobs to hold down the fort while my hubby goes to school and working a part-time job. We have a very busy schedule to upkeep. Sometimes our son will ask us to come play with him - we usually do. Take the time to get down on his level and play with him. We don't do this for hours - just when the time is needed. I think that it makes them feel secure and loved when we play cars with him or legos. As parents we are so wrapped up in our lives - gotta work, pay our bills, clean the house, get the clothes ready for work and school, make sure we have food on the table...the constant stress of dealing with the day to day as a parent - we tend to forget to take the time to get down on their level to play. Grandparents seem to have more laid back additudes about life - they have already gone through it and now it's their time to really enjoy children again and the bonus is that they get to send them home.
So, anyway - I don't spend a whole bunch of time playing with my son - I spend more time having conversations with him.