How Long Will It Take, for Him to Sleep ALONE!

T.,

Wow! 19 months old and all of a sudden he's expected to change radically. That's like saying, OK, you're 28 now you have to tight-rope walk while juggling, but you can't have any help and we don't care if you're scared. Letting him cry it out is mean and destroys his confidence that you will be there to help him. Also, who likes to cry themselves to sleep? There's too much emphasis on "routine" as well, because when you are away, or any little thing disrupts the system, then you have total melt-down. How about teaching your son to go to sleep when he is tired, not to be programmed like a little robot to go through certain steps and then shut down? He's only going to be a baby for a very short time--snuggle him while you can.

Best wishes,
K.

Hi, T.,

Well, I disagree with most every other response, so here's a different opinion for you.....

I don't believe in the "cry it out" method. I think it's horribly cruel. The poor little boy is not understanding why you won't pick him up - how scary for him - and then you go in every 10 minutes to remind him that you're there, but still not going to pick him up. I just don't get that. I know many people do it - especially here in the mid-West, but I just don't get it.

Needless to say, my children co-slept with me until they were ready to sleep alone (for my son, that was 25 months, for my daughter, 26 months). And I would rock them and sing to them every night. (But I always did my best to enjoy that, and "live in the moment" that I had alone with my child, because I knew how fast it would pass, and how I would miss it when it was gone.)

And guess what? My children go to bed every night without a single whine or attempt to stall! And they sleep alone without any problem. They are very healthy, secure, and well adjusted children - no ill effects from co-sleeping!

As for your son staying up later than normal, I think you may be missing your "window" for putting him to bed. If you miss that window, he gets his second wind, and will be up late. Keep up your routine that you are doing, as far as quiet activities after dinner, bath, then a story....that's excellent. But adjust the time (earlier), if he is exhibiting signs of tiredness.

And if he is still taking naps, when is he taking them? You might want to move his naps to an earlier time, so he has more awake time before dinner. You said Grandma rocks him for napS, plural..... is he still taking more than one? If so, get him off the afternoon one, as that could be causing the late nights. He might get a little cranky in the afternoon, but he'll be more ready to go to sleep at 7:30. (or whatever your bedtime is for him)

Best of luck, T.. And remember, you haven't done anything WRONG. Do whatever makes your life easier, and whatever feels right for your family. All families are different, and only you know what's best for yours.

Blessings, J.

Hi T.! I have a little suggestion...

Get a video baby monitor. Do excactly as you're doing with the goodnight routine, turn on the video monitor & leave the room. Then don't go back in there! You can keep an eye on him via monitor but I think if you're going back in there every 10-15 minutes you're just reminding him that you're not in there too. It's just going to make him mad all over again each time you go. Staying out will hopefully shorten the amount of time it takes him to "cry it out." I would guess each night it should go a little bit better until he finally just dozes off on his own. When we did this with my daughter it took about 2 weeks (each day better than the last) and she was going to sleep on her own.

Good luck T.! :)
A.

You did exactly what I did with my first! Don't feel bad, atleast you're wanting to fix it now, instead of having a 3 or 4 year old that is still sleeping with you! So, what I think is that he wouldn't have cried quite as long if you hadn't kept going in there. It's really hard, I know, but the first night I decided to break my daughter of being rocked to sleep, I put her to bed and walked out of the room. She cried and cried and cried, but I didn't go back in there. I sat on the floor outside her room though and felt like crying myself! She cried for maybe 30-45 minutes the first night, but it took 3 nights with her, that's it! On the fourth night, she laid down and didn't cry at all. Sometimes she would wimper a bit after we did the cry it out method, but only mildly and only for a couple of minutes. Just hang in there, and by Sunday you and your son will be sleeping peacefully!

I know it is really, really hard to listen to them cry. When we did this with my son he cried for over an hour the first night, 35 minutes the second night and then only 2 minutes the third night. After that he goes to bed without a fuss. And it was SO worth it in hindsight even though those initial nights are painful. I have heard from my other mom friends that three nights is usually the case although for some in can be a week.

Consistency is key!

Hi T.,

First, let me say ... no harsh judgment here. Frankly, I firmly believe you should NOT let a baby cry it out before their first birthday. In my opinion, before that time they NEED to know we are there for them. They NEED to know we will help them.

Ok... now onto your issue. As another mom said... expecting your little guy to change something like how he goes to sleep after 19 months is sort of a big change. I would suggest a gradual change.

I used to rock my daughter to sleep. We started the transition when she was about 13 or 14 months old ... so a little younger then her son. At first, I would rock her not until she was asleep....but very very sleepy. I would soothingly tell her "It's night night time, Mama is going to put you in your bed now". She would be so sleepy that she would hardly move when I laid her down.

The next step did involve a bit of crying ... but not long. I did this after about 3 or 4 days of the previous. We would go through our bedtime routine and then I would rock, pray, sing a song... and then say "It's night night time... Mama is going to put you in your bed now" This time she was more awake. The first night she cried for 15 minutes. Just as I was about to go in, she stopped. The next night, it was 5 minutes. The third night it was 2 minutes or less.

If she cried in the night... I would definitely go to her.

You want to make sure he knows you will still be there for him, but that he DOES need to go to sleep. I know one mom mentioned making sure baby was tired and not just following a routine. That's true... but I also know my daughter could be falling down bleary eyed tired... and would fight it all the way if I let her. She's just one of those kids. So, routine does help. Kids do much better when they know what to expect. So much in their lives is uncertain or difficult... trying to tell us what they want, trying to do new things.... that having a routine allows them consistency and confidence that they KNOW what is coming next and what is expected.

You can continue where you are. I would wait 15 minutes before you start checking on him. After a couple of days stretch it out to 20 minutes and so on. When you do go in, make sure you tell him you love him, that you are there and close by. Be calm. Be reassuring. Kiss his head, or whatever, I would try not to pick him up ... but you can bend down and hug him to give him the reassuring contact.

It could take some time... particularly since he is a bit older. I do believe at 19 months kids are aware we are still there even if they can't see us and therefore can grasp the fact that mama will come if I need her. So, trying to teach him to go to sleep on his own is ok at this point. Oh.. by the way... my daughter does really well. She may not go to sleep right away, but she will talk to her friends and tell them about her day and then drift off to sleep.

As far as rocking at nap time.... my daughter is almost 25 months and I am just now starting to do the 'put yourself to sleep at nap time thing'. The bedtime issue has long been solved, but she just had a very very difficult time settling herself down at nap time. I tried the same routine as I did with bedtime earlier... when she was much younger and it just wouldn't work. She would just play in her bed for 2 hours and not take a nap and then the afternoon was horrendous because she was so tired.

So...I guess what I'm saying is ... there is no need to disrupt his entire day at this point. Tackle one thing at a time.

Nap time is taking a bit longer, but I'm ok with that. They are only little for so long... so a few extra minutes holding my sweet girl and her letting me rock her is OK with me. I just don't think you can love them too much.

You will get through this.

The other thing you may need to consider that I just thought of ... is he may be going through a growth spurt. My daughter did just before her 1st and 2cd birthday. Whenever she goes through a big growth spurt her sleep is ALWAYS disrupted in some way. Now that she is older it isn't AS noticeable ... but it's still there. When she was younger, oh boy! We're talking up at 3am for 2 -3 hours and what not. So, that could be a factor in him not going to sleep right away.

Also, you said your husband was deployed. Have you spoken to him lately? or had any contact? Are you a bit more stressed then you normally are? Kids are very very perceptive. We try to hide things from them, but honestly, every time we fail miserably. Even if they don't know the REASON ... they know something is wrong. They know when we are stressed or frustrated. So, maybe take a self-inventory ... are you more stressed or frustrated? If so, he is probably picking it up. It just may mean you need to take some time for yourself, or just have a day where you and your little guy just have a quiet day at the park and not think about anything else.

Good luck. And ... thank you for your sacrifices for our country. It IS appreciated.

When I did CIO, my kids were younger, but I did go in and check on them, not pick them up, reassure them I was there, but tell them it is night time and time to lay down and go to sleep. I would then lay them in the bed, give them a kiss, and walk out. They would usually pop up as soon as I turned my back and start wailing, but I continued out the door. I agree. It is very hard to do. I would also stretch out the amount of time between pop-ins. First it would be after 10 mins, then 15, then 20, up to about 30 mins. Seems like it only took a surprisingly few nights for their to be just a few minutes of crying. The key is be consistent. God bless you for being a single mom at this time. It is a tough job, not one your probably planned on. Use the support you have around you. And don't worry about making grandma follow the same routine. She will probably fight you on it anyway. Kids learn their are different routines at different houses/caregivers.
R.

I know there are a lot of opinions on this topic, but in my opinion you are absolutely doing the right thing for both you and your son. I think you'll be surprised how quickly the transition will happen. The crying spells will get shorter and shorter each night. Hang in there. Make yourself a nice cup of tea or something, and grab a good book. You'll look back in a week or so, and be really glad you stuck with it. Good luck!

Hello T.,
I hope that you won't catch any slack from other mother's - no mom is perfect and we all have to learn how to be a mom and what works best for our baby(s). I use to rock my son to sleep as well and like you it could some times take forever for him to fall asleep. I read this in a Parenting magazine and it actually worked for me in 5 days. But the 1st day I rocked my son for 1/4 of the time I normally did and then laid him in his crib but stood right there at the crib. He screamed and cried and wanted me to pick him up and though it KILLED me not to, I didn't. But within 10 minutes he realized I wasn't going to pick him up so he laid down and went to sleep. I stood there till he was asleep. The 2nd night the rocking was only for a few minutes then I laid him in his crib but this time stood about a foot away from the crib - same results with him crying but it was less time. 3rd night I didn't rock him to sleep just put him in his crib and stood half way to the door. 4th night did the same but stood at the door and by the 5th night I laid him in his crib, said my good night's and was able to walk out of the room without him crying at all. It may take a little longer for your son but I found this to work for my son. Now he is 4 and we have a night night book, a night night song and then hugs and kisses and out the door I go for some me time. But even now I still have to do that routine and he loves it. I hope this has helped.

Best of luck!
Katrina

I know this is difficult. You are not wrong to want to sleep alone and have some time to yourself. I hope that you are continuing to have a comforting routine for him, though. I think rocking is fine and a rather nice way to wind down. Just rock him for a shorter time and make sure he falls asleep in his bed and the same goes for Grandma during the day. The ideal starting place is to put him in his bed when he is drowsy but awake. I think if you are going to do the cry it out method (no judgement here), you should wait until he is starting to look sleepy or until about half an hour after his usual sleep time. That will make his learning to fall asleep on his own a little easier for both of you. Also, he can understand quite a lot at this age. I would talk to him about it- tell him what to expect and be very reassuring. Good luck. Motherhood is not for wimps!

really sorry to hear about your sleeping issues. Or lack of it I should say. It will take alot longer than had you done this when he was younger. You need to not give him any milk either...once you break your CIO one night you have to start all over again. I would say it will take a good 7 - 10 nights unfortunatly. Since he is older and can understand, you might want to try a reward system. Before doing your nighttime routine, talk to him about being a big boy and sleeping in his own room and if he goes all night, he gets a sticker on the fridge, after 5 stickers he gets a car or whatever he likes to play with. he may be too young for the positiver reinforcement(not sure) But if you are going to go cold turkey, you need to stick to your guns, but it will take awhile. Keep your eye on the end goal. Make sure grandma is reinforcing this as well during the day.
My baby girl is 9 months and has been sleeping 10-12 hours every night for over 4 months now
Good luck...keep us updated, I would like to know what happens

I, too, have been rocking my 15 month old to sleep here recently after an illness. I love the idea of gradually removing yourself over 5 days. I know my VERY active son would just cry for hours if I went from rocking him to immediately laying him down wide awake. We had already planned to work our way back into this and this has helped me too. I'm not afraid to let him cry, and you shouldn't be either. But I do want to ease the transition somewhat for him. Thanks for posting this, but also thank you to you and your husband for all the sacrifices you make serving our country. I greatly appreciate it.

Jenni

Hey T.,

An hour and a half? That's dedication! A lesser woman would have quit. :)

I can't imagine him being stubborn enough to keep it up much longer. It is really hard on both of you I'm sure. My son is a little younger, but what really works for him is music. Either Dave Matthew's Band or Norah Jones or pretty much whatever we like. If I can get him to calm down to that after I put him in the crib, it generally goes better. Sometimes, I'll sit next to the crib and try and make him smile and calm down and stay there awhile until he lays down to sleep.

Good luck! K.

It will take a few days for him to get used to it. It will take a lot longer and be a lot harder on both of you if you keep going back in the room to check on him, give him milk, etc. We did this with my son when he was only a few months old and he has been a fantastic sleeper ever since (he's 6 y/o now).

Hi T.,

I'm sorry for this...I know it is so hard. If you put your son down and do not go back in the room and let him cry it out, that lasts about 3 days. If you go back in to check on him, then it can last much longer. I would also recommend that he not be rocked at nap times too if you are trying to get him to sleep by himself, you should be consistent.

What if you got him a special toy to sleep with that lights up and such. For examle...a GloWorm or our daughter has a Night Time Abby Cadabby (from Sesame Street). She wears a nightgown, has slippers on, has a light up frog in her hands, and she sings lullibies and says good night a lot. I know it's kinda girly, but maybe they make something for boys too?

Best of luck. Hang in there!

You haven't got it as bad as some people. My nephew is 9 yrs old and is just getting put out of his parent's bed. They went to a psychologist and they suggested that for two whole weeks to put a mattress on his floor and have one of his parents sleep there. That will get him used to sleeping in his bedroom. After that, everything should be okay.
I am not sure that will work for you since yours is younger but I would give it a try. At least you are not waiting until he/she is 9 yrs old to fix the problem.

Don't feel bad, we ALL develop some bad habits that make our life easier! It is certainly understandable and I am also right now trying to get our son out of our bed again. When I did it before (he was recently sick and made his way back there), I did what you are doing with much the same results. I couldn't believe he could cry for 1 1/2 hours without falling asleep. But I'm happy to say that I think it lasted four nights at the most, and I think the 1 1/2 hours was only the first night, the next couple nights were shorter. It definitely works, though I know it is SO hard to listen to them cry. But stick with it for awhile and remember that you are doing the right thing for you and him, and he will not remember it in the morning. Good luck!