How Long Has a Mother Waited to Tell Her Ex He Is the Father?

I think you have 2 things to do right now. 1) Have a safe delivery of healthy babies. 2) Take care of yourself emotionally and physically.

You have had many months away from a controlling man who emotionally abused you. Good for you! You have managed on your own and that is a tribute to your strength and good sense. He has threatened you. I would not do a thing with him right now.

I would block him and seriously check your privacy settings on Facebook if you are still using it. I would be very careful about who you bring into your life as friends and make sure they are loyal to you and you alone. Surround yourself with good and supportive friends and family members whose only concern now is helping you out with new babies.

Whatever you need to do to enjoy your children, you should do. When you get through the first few months of sleepless nights and hormonal changes, you can take your time finding a family law attorney to find out what your options are. You do not need to put your ex on the birth certificate right now. You can also call the National Domestic Violence hotline - even though your ex did not physically hurt you. They are wonderful counselors with all kinds of information and resources available to you, free of charge. They are experts in all of these areas including custody and child support and safe visitation (or the withholding of visitation). They will be able to help you right now about what you need to do in the hospital and how you can protect yourself from him if he somehow finds out. You have legal rights. Find out what they are.

Take some time to decide what you mean by "know who their father is." Do you mean they need to spend time with him, or that they need to know his name? (And you don't need to decide that right now.) There is no reason you need to have an abuser in your life if you feel you or your children will be threatened.

I would no make his decision while hormonal and stressed out and tired. And I wouldn't do it alone - have knowledgable experts in your corner before you do anything at all.

Good luck - wishing you a smooth delivery and much joy with your babies!

Given your history, I think you should get a family lawyer and get advice from that person. If/when you let him know that he has children, let all correspondence - from informing him that the kids exist to discussing possible visitation - go through the lawyer. No personal contact from you to him or vice versa.

Take screenshots of whatever he posted on FB bashing you and your family. Your lawyer may want to see it, because the lawyer may be able to use that info as evidence that influences his parental rights/visitation schedule/etc later on.

After reading your So What Happened:

Do you understand that he is still trying to control you by using pictures of his kids to correspond with you?

You simply HAVE to block him from your life. Don’t even tell him you’re going to. No more texts. Change your phone number. Block him from social media. Do not announce the births on any social media. NEVER tell anyone that he is the father. Ever.

By the way, it is not allowed by the IRS for him to take a tax deduction for his ex’s children who he is not supporting. Does she know this??? If she hasn’t specifically said that to you, for God’s sake, tell her. She needs to file her taxes IMMEDIATELY before he does.

Original:
Oh my God. What a nightmare!

I would never tell him. I don’t believe he will ever give you child support , but I do think he would try to make your life a living hell by trying to get custody and making you pay HIM child support.

And yes, he will do even worse to you than he did before.

Don’t tell him. You don’t have to.

Personally, I would not want a man like that in my children's lives.

I'd keep him from knowing about the kids and I'd not reveal to the kids who their biological father is until they are 25 yrs old.
There is no need for him to influence the kids with his crazy control issues during their formative years.
If as fully formed adults they want to look him up (and he'll want a paternity test I'm sure) then they can have at it - he can't damage them at that point.
While a caring loving involved father is ideal, you are all better off with no father at all rather than having a bat spit crazy abusive control freak for a dad.

Until they are 25 you tell the kids you found them in a cabbage patch or it was a virgin birth but let them grow up completely before you allow any chance of them contacting their bio dad.

L.

Welcome to mamapedia

Congratulations on your twins. I wish you an easy delivery.

While I truly believe that daddy's deserve to know they have kids? On this one? I would state you don't know who the father is on the birth certificate. You can take care of them on your own, right? You've been taking care of yourself.

It's a tough call. Really is. The kids deserve to know who their biological father is. But how much control is he going to have in their lives and yours? I would think long and hard on this, Contact a family law attorney as well. While I live in Virginia - I don't know the laws about parental rights.

You can choose to not name the father. Hopefully you know his family's health history.

sigh.

i'm sorry you're in this situation. there's no good clear right answer.

since he's insanely controlling and abusive, i myself would not want him in my life or my kids' lives, period. i would not name him on the birth certificate, nor seek any support from him.

it sucks. full disclosure and both of you being in the twins' lives is far preferable, but if you're being truthful about him, it's just too risky.

now that you've got yourself into this pickle, my suggestion is to keep him cleanly out of it for the long term. if the kids want to know him when they're teenagers, you'll have had enough time to consider how to do it without all the dust and confusion from your recent stresses with him, and pregnancy hormones.

if you need him to support the kids- well, then you've got a rough row to hoe.

good luck.

khairete
S.

Don't tell him. My biggest regret is telling my son's father that I was pregnant. We might have had a shot at a man that wanted to be a father and partner had I not told him. I wonder every single day what our lives would be like if I had just kept my damn mouth shut. He is a terrible father, I had to stay with him because he could not be trusted with my son and would have done everything in his power to take him from me just to be cruel. Don't put you and your daughters in a no win situation, you are sooooo much better off on your own! Gather your family and friends around you and raise those girls with love!

Well, you have some time to figure this out. Personally, I’d never tell him. He sounds like a control freak who will make you miserable for the next 18 years.

That said, there are things you need to consider. If you want him to pay child support, you’ll need to list him as the father on the birth certificate. With twins, you may want those funds to help pay the bills. Or you may decide you can find a way without his money or his input. You may want his health insurance to cover the children.

This website may help you decide: https://www.verywellfamily.com/naming-the-father-on-the-b...#

Whatever you decide, it will be what works best for you and your children.

I would cut off all contact with him.

I totally understand not wanting him in your life or your children's lives, but you should speak with a lawyer, because you really might not have a choice. The last thing you want is for him to find out before you tell him, which given the fact that you still have some contact, seems very possible. He has rights and the courts will recognize those rights and not take your concerns as seriously if you have kept this information from him.

Speak with a lawyer, and find a good counselor to help you learn how to set boundaries with him that will protect you and your children. Best of luck to you.