How Do You Tolerate the Ex-husbands New Fiance????

I am actually a step-mom...my husband and I have been together for 8 years and I am 6 years younger than he is. My husband had it stated in their divorce decree that no one else would be called mom or dad - this is an important issue to all of us. We have all (including the step-dad) made sure this is how it is.
Ironically, I do most of the communicating with my huband's ex. Not due to a controlling issue (which she might think it is sometimes), but because it's just easier for us now. I stay at home, my husband is a busy business man who travels quite a bit, who doesn't like to deal with details. So, if we need to switch time or whatever, I e-mail her or call her. We do have an unusual relationship. (When my step-son doesn't have school or during the summers, she brings him over here on her 2 weeks to stay for the day while she is at work.) We've had to build this; this definitely didn't happen over night. I comletely agree that this isn't right for her to be doing. She is obviously not mature enough to handle this situation and realize that her selfish needs for control shouldn't come first.
The biggest thing that my husband taught me (from day one!) was that my step-son was always first...just as our 2 daughters now are as well. You obviously believe this as well. This isn't because he loved my step-son more or because he was lingering in his past relationship, but because he was a child and he needed his parents - both parents. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and I truly hope that your ex gets his act together to realize what is going on and that they both realize who is most important.
Unfortunatley, I don't have much advice to offer, but it sounds like your ex has changed and I can't imagine what you are going through, but I wish you the best!

Been there, done that.

MEDIATION. Demand mediation. It's closed, open to only you and the father of the children; no fiance's, no new spouse's, no lawyers. The fact of the matter is that he may not realize just exactly what is going on, my guess is that she's not being entirely honest with him about everything. Sounds like the two of you had a good balance and the kids were doing well prior to her appearance, and I'd make sure that this was made known when you go to court, be sure to bring up the interference on her end and her insistance that she has any say whatsoever in the lives of your children. Let the judge have a word with her in the courtroom and tell her to mind her own business, sounds to me like she's got more than she can handle in her own insecurities.

I think it is time for YOU to do some controlling. If she wont let you talk to him, demand it! If that doesnt work go to his house or to his work. Keep it civil though, nothing ever gets solved with yelling(i've tried). you should definitly do mediation. And you might want to talk to your lawyer about getting a gardium 'at Latum which is an attorney that speaks for the children and evauates each situation. Sorry you have to go through this. Women like her should leave stuff that isnt theirs alone. good luck

Bless your heart, this sounds like a horrible position to be put in. But, it sounds like you're doing a remarkable job considering what you're up against! Just try to remain an adult in the situation (rather than a grown-up with a juvenile streak a mile wide like the evil stepmonster...) and one day you will be respected by your children for your maturity in handling the situation well and, who knows, maybe your ex-husband will come to his senses as well. And you're right, it is very sad that you've had to resort to legal measures in this situation, which is something you never felt you would have to do, but who knew that someone like her would come along and make it necessary. You're doing the right thing for your children...just try to hang in there and then one day, this too shall pass. Good luck!

- B.

T. - I have the same problem. My ex and I divorced 8 yrs ago.
We both remarried. The new wife has created alot of tension between me, my ex and our daughter. She is very controlling, wants to be called Mom, changed our doctors, we have gone to court and now he pays zero child support and we still split the cost evenly when it comes to our daughter. She tries very hard to take my role as Mom. Our daughter is now 13. No matter what I say I am the bad Mom. I am hoping my ex and daughter realize it is not all me. I have taken the approach "have your friends close but your enemies closer. I would also like some advice.

I have been where you are and I feel your pain...
But after a lot of hardship and pain, my life has given me insight that has turned everything around....

I don't mean to minimalize what you are going through or sound... Well offensive... But seriously, really and truly, the best way to cope with this hardship and every hardship is to remember that we are all children of God. I used to hate and I made myself and my children and my stepwife and everry one really really miserable....

But unconditionally there are two rules in life that are the absolute secret to life. If you open your heart to those two rules, troubles will run off your shoulders like water and you will see these people as your siblings, and not your rivals. You and she and your ex are all family... You are in a family together for better or worse and the more loving you are to eachother, the more your children benefit.

I am not a reborn Christian and I am not a "good" Christian. But I know this....

1) Love God with all your heart, mind, body in all that you think, say and do

and

2) Love others the way you want to be loved... Love the loveable, the unloveable, the people who treat you well, the road rage witch tailgating you, your ex, his fiance, your mom, your babies, the politicians you disagree with...

Live, Laugh, and Love... Love a lot. Forget about judgement of others and you will forget about judgement on yourself. Love big and you will find nothing but Love in this world.

I Promise

God Promised...

Good Luck and God Bless You in Peace and Love

Wow! That is an awful situation and it is horribly said that it had to come to that. However, you can take solace in the fact that after all is said and done, the court WILL put a stop to the mommy thing (it is very standard in custody agreements that no one else is mom or dad) and she will find that what he was paying was probably far less than what he will be in child support. Additionally, they will make it very clear that you and your ex are the only ones to be able to do the communicating on the children; not her and not sending messages through the kids. I would bet that after the court puts all the new rules in place, she won't be sticking around. She will be bored. You are in a very unfortunate situation, but all you can do is wait until court and I know you will find things better on the other side. You did what you had to do and it was the right thing! Hang in there!

How sad for you, the children & the ex.
Well you have a court date, I'd insist the lawyer adds into the papers that you must have "one on one" communication with the childrens Father. For the well fare of your children.
Can he not see how she is ruling the roost?
Your poor kids, got to be uncomfortable for them.

It makes me angry just reading this. I am not divorced, but my parents were. I grew up having to deal with the stress of being caught in between. It is a shame that he has become so wrapped up in this woman that he is neglecting his children - emotionally and financially. I agree with you that it is a good idea not to talk to her. She is not even married to you ex yet. If he won't talk to you like an adult, you really have no choice but to take him to court. I really do not have any advice! I just wanted to sympathise! But whatever you do, do not bad mouth dad in front fo the kids. It hurts. I know. Even if he is being a jerk. Good luck!

T.,

First of all, stay strong! What a tough situation. I have been through a very similar scenario. I was 19 when I married the first time for the wrong reasons. (I was dignosed with endometriosis and the dr. told me at 18 I should seriously consider a surgery and children now if I ever wanted them). So marriage, surgery, and baby followed in the next 2 years. Our divorce 4 years later was very painful as I found out he had been unfaithful the entire marriage. He was 6 years older than me and a police officer who abused his time "on duty" to cultivate many extramarital relationships.

After our divorce and my getting back on my feet I thought I had the hard part over. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you have learned, it's just the beginning when you share children.

My ex's new wife was also 19 when he married her, he was 36. She tried the same tactics yours is. It has been 5 years now, so I have some experience in handling these things unfortunately.

The court date is a great idea. You need your ex to understand you can not be bullied or pushed around, nor does he have the right to ignore you. I would request a meeting through your lawyer with you and your husband one on one and only the lawyers present. This may even resolve some issues which should be put in writing that you won't have to take to court. This will only work if he is reasonable and possibly motivated to do so for the sake of not drawing it out in court, financial reasons, or the children.

You have taken it way too easy on him with the child support as I'm sure your lawyer has informed you. I would request a garnishment if you feel at all worried he or the new fiance might try to put "conditions" on you getting the check (ex: we'll give you the check if you reschedule the dr. appt etc.)

I feel it is ridiculous when the "new" woman, especially one with no children of her own (such as my ex's wife) thinks they know more than you about parenting. Sometimes they just need some time to actually step into your shoes when your kids are there to realize it's no walk in the park. It doesn't sound like she would give you any credit though because she sounds extremely insecure in her relationship, and possibly quite threatened by you!

All I can say is give it time. I will pray for you regarding the court situation because it is gut wrenching, although it can help tremendously in the long run. It sounds like you are doing a great job as a single mother, the toughest job on earth! This relationship may play itself out soon, as it sounds like it doesn't have a very good foundation. My ex has separated from his wife 3 times, and they seem to be inevitably headed for divorce for the same reasons his marriage to me failed.

It may not seem like it, but this all will come back to him and her. Karma is real, and I have seen it in great force in my situation. I have always tried to maintain my integrity and beliefs, and they have done everything to try to manipulate my daughter against me. She is now 13 and wants to be with me "full time". Her eyes have been opened to who they really are and she has that much more respect for me. Her stepmom is jealous of her and the time she has with her dad which is just sad, and my daughter is angry at her for that and my ex husband for tolerating it.

Your children are so lucky to have you in all this. Fight the good fight, take him to court, and remain true to yourself, and you will find yourself in a good place very soon. I wish you the best of luck with all of it.

Sincerely,
J. Hopper

I think you are on the right track. Just go to court and have them mandate child support and his visitation. This will take the control out of her hands and he will have to pay at certain amount. I would not converse with her. Have your attorney state that "HE" is to contact you about visitation. If he doesn't he doesn't get to see the children. It is very unhealthy and devestating to their development to be put in the middle. I would explain to him, you are not playing games and everything will be court mandated and cut and dry since he no longer has the ability to deal with you in a manner that puts his kids before his girlfriend.

Good Luck!!!!!!!

Go straight to your ex. Try calling him at work or on his cell phone when you know she won't be around. I'd remind him that the two of you have a lifetime commitment to the kids, no matter who else comes along. I'd also do the math for him (as in, if he makes a good salary, child support will cost much more than daycare for 2 school age kids). If you aren't able to get him alone, and no amount of reasoning works, then you'll have to speak through your lawyer. My mom went through the same thing 20 years ago...when my dad met his new girlfriend, their friendly relationship suddenly changed. Unfortunately, he married her, and it's been that way ever since.

Try referring your ex and his fiancee to The Institute for Parenting and Family Development. There is a great series that they would benefit from called Yours, Mine, and Ours, it is a series of courses for a blended family. They would get the information from a third party and not from someone emotionally invested. Go to the website www.sarahwhiteonline.com or call them directly at ###-###-#### if you have questions. They are here to assist and educate!
Hope this Helps!

Please make sure to keep the kids first. I know it gets muddled, especially when someone new has a position of influence in your childrens' lives. Trust the kids to know (or to grow to know) how people are and, if only eventually, to be able to make their own judgements. For your sake, always do what is best for them (even if it's not necessarily what's good for you, ya know?) because they will remember, and accordingly see who is really their advocate. Try to feel glad that they have someone new who thinks they are as special as you do. And remember, you are a good mom! This new lady will not usurp you!
Hang in there!

WOW! I wouldn't tolerate her. she has nothing to do with you, your children and your relationship with their father. Do not speak with her about particulars. Speak only with him. If he will not make himself available, I think the only course is to have him contacted by an attorney - one step shy of heading into court. Request that he be notified personally - don't allow her to receive or sign any notices. She may not pass them along. If you cannot afford your own attorney, contact Kansas and Western Missouri Legal Aid (they are both listed in the phone book and on the internet). If he's in Missouri and you in Kansas, the Legal Aid attorneys can tell you which state prevails. There are very clear state laws regarding custody and support issues with which either of the legal aid attorneys can help you. And that will get her out of the picture. He may not know what she is doing, but service or contact from an attorney will quickly let him know she's playing games.

And, ABSOLUTELY NEVER, EVER allow your 12 year old to play the go-between role!!!! That is not her job - EVER! Speak only to your ex-husband or through your attorney.

I wish you the best in this!

Hi T.! How awful for you. Have you tried to call your ex at work or if calls aren't allowed sent him a letter to his work?
If nothing else works all I can say is talk to your attorney. They may be able to get you custody with the stipulation that vistation to dad is either supervised or must be without this woman in the best interest of the children. She is after all not their mother and I have known judges who have basically told dad it's either see your kids alone or not at all.
Another thing you may want to discuss with your 12 y.o. is has he talked to dad about all this.
I wish you luck and I am hoping for everyone this new woman is just being bsaically jealous because she is young and not truly a manipulative controller.

I feel what you are going through. I have been there and I know it is hard. The best advise I can share with you is to remember who is important here. The Children. I believe you need to bring that to your husband attention. Which I'm sure you have. Do what ever it takes to get help from him. There are already to many dead beat dads out her is this world. Do not feel bad for what you are doing, you are looking out for your childrens welfair and there is nothing wrong with that. Remember you are powerless over other peoples actions and how they set examples. Just always remember who you are and the example you can set for your children. You are in my prays. May God Bless you and your children. Good luck. I have faith in you. C.

Hi T.,

I would absolutely not deal with the fiance with regards to the children. They are not her children and she is not responsible for them. Although, you hate to spend the money on attorney fees and time for court, it's the best possible solution in my opinion. This way the burden of asking for money is lifted from your shoulders. Any outcome is not your decision it is the courts decision based on the facts presented in court. As far as the kids calling her mommy, it is just a word really. She could never be to your children what you are. You take care of them, nurture them, feed, clothe and cheer them. Children are very intelligent and will more than likely not stress out if you don't. I would be cordial to the fiance, but firm in what you will not tolerate from her. The only person you can control is you. If you think the kids are having problems adjusting, I would find someone you & the kids can talk to. Their dad might participate as well. Good luck to you and keep the faith. All things work for the greater good.

This sounds so frustrating. I am sorry for you and your children. Your husband sounds abused. I would be worried about sending your children into that environment as well. Who has custody of the kids? Is it joint custody? Because if it is, it could get nastier than it already is. I think you shoudl put the kids in couseling to help them cope with what is going on, and to find on what really happens while they are there. You would be amazed what comes out to a stranger, but not to us moms, because they don't want to scare us. Second, does your husband work?, have a cell phone? Call or go see him there. She can't possibly keep track of him 24/7 unless she is a total freak. If all else fails, you could try to rattle him with threatening him with court ordered supervised visitation with the kids or terminating his rights to them. Although you may never do this, maybe he needs to wake up and realize this bizarro world he has been living in with this woman. My thoughts go out to you and your children. Good luck

GET A MEDIATOR IMMEDIATELY!!!! This ho should NOT be the one making decisions concerning you, your ex and your kids. It is clear she is immature and jealous, and the fact she's using your 12 year old as go between proves it. He is a child and should not be asked to do her dirty work. She has no legal say in the matter, and you may need to go to the mattresses on that to keep her in her place. I hope you have a good attourney who specialized in family law, you'll need it.

T.:

First of all, you say that this woman "doesn't allow" your ex to help pay for things. Although she may be an insecure and petty woman, your husband is an adult and a father. He is "allowing" himself to be manipulated by her, and not do what is best for the children. Using children as messengers is not healthy, and the kids will eventually start acting out, if this is not taken care of soon! I hate to say it but "she" is not the problem, "he" is and he needs to be a man and take care of buisness. Your kids come first, and he need to get his priorities straight.

A.

Have you tried communicating with your ex via email (an email address that she will not check, ie - his work email?). If you are in Johnson County, maybe try going through Domestic Court Services for mediation and try to resolve some of the issues (you have to have a case pending JOCO in order to attend Domestic Court Services).

HI T., Boy you have a real problem on your hands! First of all, I would see about getting a mediator, and setting up a date for you & your ex-husband and the mediator to meet. Make it known, she will not be allowed to attend the meeting since it does not concern her.Then you and the x need to sit down and just "talk" without any interruptions. Tell him everything, he may not know how she is treating you and kids. I would tell him "we" were doing fine with the agreement, and if this goes to court it will be costly and only cause bad feelings between you and him which will reflect on your children. They will sense something is wrong. If he continues to let her control the issue, then by all means, do what you have to protect your children, Some people you can not reason with and she sounds like one. He needs to tell her that if it concerns his kids, he wants to be the one that talks to you, that way there will no third parties involved. Its up to him, as to how he handles his girlfriend or whatever she is. And I would make it prefectly clear to your X that she is not a mother to the kids nor will she ever be.It sounds like he is blindsided by her, which makes it hard, but you can't let her control this situation. If you and your X got along before, there should be no reason why you 2 can't sit down like adults and talk about your kids. She is jealous of you, somehow you must intimidate her. But don't worry about her issues, she is insecure. It may come to a legal issue, but you can honestly say that you tried. Let me know how things are going.Good luck!!! B.

Have you tried to set up a "secret" lunch with your ex to try and find out why he lost his spine and is allowing a woman he does not know well enough to rule his and his children's lives? This is your ex husbands fault, maybe she has warped his mind into thinking your a threat to her and his relationship. I have been in the same situation, and I will pray for you, it is very hard to deal with those kind of situations. I would try real hard to find out why he is allowing this to happen, then you will better know how to figure out this situation. I hope I have helped some.