How Do You Really Know What You Would Do?

Amen. Simplistic, judgemental answers generally reveal the lack of experience of the poster. Anyone who's lived through a situation gives a more complex answer.

If you want support then say that instead of asking for advice then getting upset when people advise you what THEY would do. Don't get upset when people advise you based on what what they THINK they would do.
What other way is there to respond?
Besides, you probably already know what you're going to do when you ask the question.
Plus, you don't know people like they know themselves and for all you know, some here have been through some of these things and just don't want to share that info.

Oh, yeah... As for the "absolutely useless" advice, you're not seeking a professional's assistance, you're on a public forum so you get what you pay for.

Some things are from experience, some things are from 3rd party experience and things I've made promises to myself about (I really KNEW my mom, and still REMEMBER her, but when she remarried my dad who she will say was "good" but he emotionally abused her and made stupid comments every single day about her looks, her hair, her laugh, "dont say something stupid and embarass me" he'd say....she CHANGED. Now she's been divorced from this dillweed for 16 years, when he left her for a secretary, but she is STILL not "the same" mom. We've had fights about it sometimes because it's so frustrating for me, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to some imposter and just want my REAL mom back....but I know with all certainty that if someone treated me like that, no matter what my situation, I would take steps necessary to get out of there. It's a self promise that came from a very personal experience, having to watch my mom eek out an existence without her fire, spark, humor, and attitude! Now she can hardly leave her house at all, except to go to her job, and then home again.) Some things are just "deal breakers". I don't have a lot of deal breakers, but I certainly have a few, as does everyone, I expect.
But yeah, sometimes an answer is off the cuff and doesn't have a story or feeling behind it that can "qualify" their feelings. I have said things in my youth that I felt so certain about, but when it came to me, I did waver on 2 things that I can remember particularly. Not everything is black and white, at least not all the time.

I understand what you are saying. I read comments like that tonight when someone was complaining about her husband. He sounded really abusive! I didn't reply because I was so frustrated and wanted to scream, just leave. But that isn't so easy, especially for women who have been beat down verbally or physically over and over. Leaving is not as easy as walking out the front door, especially when there are kids involved. I think the moms who say that are just frustrated with the situation being described, as I was. I THINK I would leave if my husband cheated on me, or became abusive, or started using, but I don't really know for sure. I haven't been there. Hopefully I will never have to deal with that decision but most women DON'T think they will ever deal with that and then, well, things happen. Is it insensitive for moms to say, Well I would blah blah blah if my husband ever... ? Probably. I think they are just trying to encourage others to stand up for themselves but it doesn't always come across that way.

I agree that it is nearly impossible to know ahead of time what you would do in a certain situation or with certain circumstances. I understand that some people have absolutes that they have no tolerance for, or deal breakers, but I think most things in life are not black and white. Every situation is different, even when on the surface it looks the same. Each person has to evaluate the situation for themselves and make the decision that is right for them.

I offer advice when I feel I have something useful or helpful to offer, but more than anything I try to offer support here. I thought that was what this place was for: mamas supporting and helping each other.

I know what you mean. I read some of the responses given and often wonder that same thing: "Really? You would? DID you already, is THAT how you know? Or is that just what your pride would like to THINK you would do?"

I try to never jump directly to any sort of ultimatum. Not even with my kids! Why? Because I know how hard it can be stand by one once you've made it. I know there are some ladies on this site who HAVE done exactly what they advocate. But I also assume that there are a few who say what they would do as a matter of pride, not necessarily because they actually would do that exact thing if it were them in the situation with their own spouse.

I don't try to pick and choose which responses fall into which of the above categories though. Wouldn't want to be judgmental... ;)

I hear what you are saying. However, all of us on here try to help out when we can. We respond, and attempt to give advice, opinions, support, and encouragement. It's just that some might have different answers then what you might want to be reading at that given time. I think it's a great thing to have so many mothers responding to things. Take the good with the bad. No one really knows what they would actually do in any given situation. I think they would hope they would be strong enough..But, when it actually does happen, they might have a different reaction to it..It's good to vent. I think it helps to write things down somewhere and know that others might feel the same. Thank you for your thoughts.

I am sorry if you feel you have gotten poor advice. Alcoholism is a disease and it is hard on anyone to be in that situation, no one can tell you what you should do, really only you know what is right for you. I do suggest looking into Al-ANON, it will help you. I grew up with an alcoholic father, I pretty much vowed I would never ever want to put myself in a situation where I had to live through that again, so yes I can pretty much say without a doubt if alcoholism entered our already messed up lives I could walk away...to me it would be a justification I cannot currently make. I am so not judging you I swear, I can tell you I am in an 11 plus year relationship and we have two children together and there is Zero intimacy...yet I stay and I know others would tell me I am stupid for staying...we all have our breaking points...for me if Andy became addicted to drugs or alcohol then yes, that would be it...so I do not think the advice you have read is so far fetched. I think they are trying to give advice...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have noticed your posts in the past and you are going through a lot. It's never easy in any situation. I think the line would have to be where someone is hurt. That can be physically or emotionally. You have to look in your kids faces and see how they are doing and understand that there own life experiences will end up being there baseline for normal. We all do that. I thought my childhood was normal. I know look back and see how different it was. It was not perfect but no one has a perfect life. We all need to just learn to love each other. The greatest teacher of all of love was God. He sacrificed his son for us as a gift of love for us, The only way to truly find peace is to take your worrries and concerns to him and talk to him about it and ask for help. He has helped me though many difficult trials. I hope you find what you are looking for.

I agree with you. I think that it's really easy for people to read someone's question and immediately make assumptions about the situation and write what they believe they would do. I think it's partly human nature, and partly the result of being a public online forum where people are mostly annonymous and can write whatever they want without any consequences. I don't think people would necessarily say things like that to someone who is a close and personal friend, but since most of us do not know each other personally, it is much easier to fire off an answer like that.

Sometimes this is the only advice people are able to give (because they've never actually experienced it) and, since it's a public forum, they feel free to give it even if it isn't helpful. But I still like this forum because you will find people who have been through the same experience and will hopefully give you the advice and support you need.

Good luck with everything. I really hope you and your husband are able to work through this difficult part of your marriage.

No, obviously I wouldn't have married my husband had I known he would become an alcoholic or cheat on me. That doesn't mean that I don't know I wouldn't put up with it.
I didn't know a past BF would end up cheating on me. But the day I found out he did, I respected myself enough to walk away and not listen to excuses. I don't have to be in the situation to know how I feel about something and how I would eventually react.
Some women can deal with it and try to work through it. Not me. I'm not that good at forgiveness.

Here's the deal, none of us truly know our breaking point. I can think of many situations with my friends and even in my own marriage that if asked 10 years ago, all of use would have sworn we would have left our husbands. Ultimately, a life built together is NOT that easy to walk away from, and it is even harder when you have kids.

Here is my two cents, I have decided that if my kids are in danger or learning to be dangerous to themselves or others or if my husband is abusive to me or my kids then I would probably find the strength to rework my life without him. Certainly, my husband has grown into some bad habits that I would have rethought when I married him, but I am quite sure I have also.

Whatever is going on in your life, just figure out what you believe is most important. If your husband is an alcoholic, I think it would behoove you to try to be his "Rock" and support him through to health not dump him when he is low. What a great thing to teach your kids.

In short, don't take how people on here talk personally. I really believe that these women (with the exception of a couple) really have the best intentions and do not mean to be offensive to you.

Good luck!

Normally I will not even respond to a post unless I feel that I have something constructive to add.

In regards to this topic I do have certain things that I DO know how I would react and actually seems like most of the other "deal breakers" listed here are the same as mine:

Hit my child (as someone else pointed out, this is also his child. However, push comes to shove and she is MINE!) - Hit her and she and I are both GONE, no questions asked. This is not a negotiable point

Hit me in anger and my daughter and I are both gone. No questions asked. Once again, this is not a negotiable point

Cheat on me and you will be finding somewhere else to sleep at least for a while...may not be permanent. Have been cheated on before but not in a marriage situation (and not by my current husband). I have been with my husband for almost 20 years so I cannot absolutely say that I would immediately divorce him.

Pretty much anything else, well it really depends on the particular situation of the people involved.

I am sure that the people offering "opinions" are actually trying to be helpful and not trying to make anyone feel like they are stupid. Pretty hard to actually offer "advice" here just due to the lack of information that is normally given. If you don't know all of the specifics then you can't really give advice just support and opinions.

Just my particular thoughts. :o)

It's true that you can never know 100% until you're put in that situation. However, I do beleive that these answers are not totally useless. I beleive that the mamas making thise statements truly beleive that's what they would do in that situation.

There was a 'hypothetical' question on earlier today that I gave (almost) the same answer as I'm going to give you.

In my experience, until I'm actually faced with/ IN a situation I have no idea WHAT I'd do. I can think I might, but until I actually *have*, what I would do in any new situation is up in the air. I can guess by going off of similar experiences and my reactions IF I have them, and expecting similar results. but even then, it's not a guarantee. Just a likelihood.

HOWEVER... Some of us HAVE been in X situation, or are, and we have lines in the sand.

EX) At one point, if my husband cheated AGAIN (he has in the past), I would leave him. Time passed, and at this point... I wouldn't. Not summarily. But he also hasn't cheated in 4 years. Is it because enough time has passed that it's "reset"? Nope. For me, it's that I honestly don't care enough at the *moment* to be hurt or jealous. At the present I don't expect him to treat me with any kind of respect. Some time in the future I might actually expect respect from him and my answer might change yet again. But I seriously found myself wondering if he was sleeping with a coworker a few weeks ago, and it hit me, I didn't care.

EX) Line in the sand; Hit my kid and you're gone. ((Note the possessive on "my kid". Our son is his as well, but the moment he strikes our son, he's MY kid.)). Ditto, if he attempts to hit me IN FRONT of our son, he's out. Period. Note also the caveat 'in front'. I can take care of myself, and I'm cocky. I know durn well that if he tried to take me in private I'm inclined to let it slide, because the few times he HAS lashed out at me I've just snagged his fist, twisted it up, and marched him out of the house. I haven't made him leave for good. Just until he's not annoying me anymore. Now, had any of those incidents been while our son was home... I won't have it. I WILL NOT have my son seeing any kind of physical fighting NOT done in fun being okay. TOTAL double standards. Although, quite frankly, if he managed to land a blow I might call the cops even if we were alone. During our bad times (3 or 4 times a year) the only reason I stay is that I can't protect my son 2 weekends a month, and that's a LOT more time than he spends with him now. So my line in the sand is a little wavy, but it's not actually blurry, or below the high tide mark. But I'm trying quite desperately to avoid divorce, so I'm willing to take quite a bit in order to do so. I'm NOT willing for my son to take ANY physical violence. Not to himself, nor on someone he loves (me, or anyone else).

Lines in the sand are difficult to make, but even harder to follow through with, so I make them with care. But I DO have them.

I think in most cases you really don't know until you're in those shoes; however, there are dealbreakers for me like drug use or domestic violence, physical or physicological (sp.??), for my kids or me.
In most cases I think each person has to be there and evaluate whats best for the kids mostly; and if you don't have kids or unlimited family and financial support, then you can be more strict in your "I would nevers".
Just my two cents ;-)

I think we like to plan out what we would do if things happened to us and have a plan, but until we are actually in that situation, we don't really know what we will actually do!! People tell me what to do all the time and make comparisons. Sometimes these are situations I might be dealing with and they don't know that I am and it hurts to hear someone tell you what you should do!!! It is totally a different story if they are walking in your shoes!! Have a great weekend!!!!

I think that, as a rule, humans tend to be a little self righteous. I think sometimes we like to play "what if" and show how we would be better in any situation (when, as you say, we can't know how we would be in any situation until we are there ourselves).

I try to give my answer only when I have an experience about that to share, but sometimes I'll find myself answering a question I have no experience with just because I have an *opinion*.

That said, I'm sorry you're going through difficult times. My thoughts and prayers are with you. My husband's brother is an alcoholic, and I know how damaging that can be to a relationship. Your heart must be breaking. {{{hug}}}

I think the questions are pointless. Until a person is in that exact position where they are forced to make a decison, you can not know 100% what you will or will not do. You can have a general idea, but you can't know for sure--unless it is against your moral code or ethically to you it is wrong.

I personally do care what SOME others think because I have known some on here for awhile. I try to be courteous and kind in every post I make. I am sorry you have gotten bashed on here M., Its horrible when we as mothers can't just get along and support eachother!!! GL~

I know what I would do with a cheater because I used to be married to one. Ditto a hitter. Same guy. I know now that I tolerated way too much from him because I was young an stupid. I learned from myh mistake I decided after divorcing him that the first time a guy cheats on me or raises his hand to me will be the last.
I am married to a recovering alcoholic who has had several relapses recently, the last one landing him in the hospital for three weeks. I have told him that if he relapses again, he has to find another place to live.

I am always irritated by advice that is useless but then I get sometimes people just want to help but don't realize their cluelessness is, okay, useless.

There was a post yesterday that I edited my response to out of frustration. They were talking about selling a house and the people buying forked over $800 to a scam. People kept going on about an oral agreement. I was finally like, SALES OF REAL PROPERTY REQUIRE A WRITTEN AGREEMENT!!!!!! Argh!!1 If you don't have a clue, shut up!

I guess my issue is I can read something and think putz! but not everyone does. Why would you want to confuse some poor sap who thinks this is a great place to get legal advice, or advice knowing most have not walked a mile in your shoes.

Wow, thanks for allowing me that rant. Goodnight. :)

Well, you don't really know what I would or wouldn't do either.
Some people are capable of learning from others experiences/mistakes.
Others can't and have to live through it themselves before they know not to do that again.
And still others can't seem to learn at all and are caught up in cycles which they repeat over and over.

I am being serious but I think you should as. Dr. L.. I love her advice. She tells you what you should do about your life. It doesn't matter what other people say they would do. Only you can do anything.