How Do You Let It Go? **UPDATED**

This is going to sound really weird, but it really helps me to share cute stories about the kids. I mean, after the apology and my decision to let it go, just a short "guess what X did today?" kind of story really helps me move on. I don't know if that's just because those cute stories cheer me up in general, or because it's a reminder of something we're doing right together (generally), but it's a good way to switch gears for me.

Also, and I know you know this, avoid getting into avoidable fights. Don't text back and forth all day. Or email, facebook, whatever. If you have something to tell each other, call or send a quick specific message. But it's silly to get into a fight with someone when you aren't even with them!

Good luck.

My husband tends to be the one who overreacts to little things that I say or do (or at least I think they're little). What I usually do is give him his space for a little bit and then tell him that I'm sorry and give him a kiss on the head. Within a few minutes, he's over it.

When he upsets me, I have a hard time letting it go too. For me, I take a step back and ask myself whether or not the "issue" (not the comment) is worth a fight. If it is, then I make him sit down and talk it through. If it isn't (usually the case), I will just go up to him and hug him- my sign to him that I'm over it. Then, I don't bring it up again!

If you believe it's more important to be happy than to be right, then think about why you're unhappy right now. I think rightness may be more important to you than you think.

He apologized, and you accepted his apology. Now what's holding you back? Believe me, I'm not yelling at you. This is just an opportunity for you to think about how your brain and your heart works. Have you forgiven him, really? Or is there something you need to ask forgiveness for?

There is a kind of pride that's good, but it doesn't show up in instances like this. What shows up here is the kind of pride that is looking out for itself and that wants to be on top of the heap, that glories in saying, "I'm certainly better than you are."

It doesn't help any relationship. It just leads to bitterness. And there's an old saying: "Being bitter is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies."

Hope this rambling comment helps.

It is SO hard to make relationships work in any situation and arguments are tough to get over. Here are some general rules that my husband and I do (we've been together almost 21 years)

- NEVER argue by text or email!!!!! I mean this seriously. I don't care if you are at work or out shopping or where ever, you wait until you get home! Texts and email can be so easily misunderstood and misdirected so quickly, you cannot see facial expressions, you cannot have full conversations to understand truly where both of you are coming from. It is the worst thing you can do in my opinion. My husband and I even try to not argue by phone and keep it face to face.

- Learn that it is ok to be upset for a day or even two. Arguments can really be hurtful and difficult. Give yourself time to get over it. You cannot force bad feelings to go away, they are real and need time to heal. By stuffing them or forcing yourself to get over it quicker may encourage the issue to come up again and again. Now this doesn't mean you run around being ridiculous and nasty to your spouse or significant other because you are still mad, just take time for yourself and wait to talk about it when you have calmed down. You can even tell him that you are still a bit peeved about the argument and need a bit more time to calm down before you discuss it. See? It is just simple communication that is calm and collected. You will be amazed at how quickly you can get over things once you learn to let them be. Not to mention the fact that your man will tend to dote over you if he thinks you are mad at him. = )

- DON'T STRESS! Try not to obsess and freak out over everything. The more you stress over stuff the more you give it energy. Just ride the wave, and don't make it a grand federal case

- When I get really mad I have to do some talking to myself. I can tell you there will be times when you think your husband or SO is the most ridiculous choice you EVER made. "What was I thinking?" "Why am I with this guy?" "I cannot stand this person!" This is when I have to sit and almost physically make a list of what I fell in love with. Pretty quickly I soften up and remember what I was thinking, why I am with him and that I actually do love him with all my heart.

- Last but not least, and this one is VERY hard, when I am mad at him I try to come up with something nice to do for him, like make his favorite dinner. This one is almost painful to do, I can get pretty nasty and defiant, but I have found if I force myself to take this step I soften quicker.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

I pray to God to soften my heart.

I pray that I may see things from his perspective.

I pray that I still love him in the morning.

The hard way: You sit down, and say, "I'm sorry that we argued." Use your own words: "I took your comment the wrong way, and reacted to that interpretation."

Depending on how he feels, he might still be mad... My DH, thankfully, lets things go really easily, and we kiss & hug and get on with our lives....

But, I've learned that he will hardly ever apologize for things I *think* he should, and that I need to give him the benefit of the doubt. Most of our stupid arguments are because I took something he meant completely innocently in the wrong way (sometimes he's not super tactful, but still)...

Once I realize that I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt, and that I hate the way I feel (I'm angry with him, but more at myself and at how tense things are), then I realize that it's in our best interest to clear the air & be honest & move on.

Good luck--I have to keep relearning this lesson... Some days I do better than others.

This is a harsh reality check but an honest one since I'm an insurance agent. My hubby and I generally don't "fight" but we do on occasion have heated "differences of opinions". It would be very easy to keep it festering but I have learned to say "ok, we will agree to disagree, I understand what you're saying and we still love each other, right?". Then we are both over it quickly. I believe in the "don't let the sun set upon your wrath" whole bit and not going to bed angry. But I know that family members die unexpectedly also and could not live with myself if something happened while in the midst of me just being pissy about something stupid and my husband never comes home or doesn't wake up in the morning. I have personal experience with that with my clients and it's devestating to them, as you can imagine. So I try to remember this to and know that we should not sweat the small stuff, and really 99% of it is small...

I say an Our Father, that always helps. I also try to remember how much I love my DH and how insignificant the spat was - would I even remember it 5 years from now or even 6 months from now....

Um - I am going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe you over reacted. He gets two nights off a week - maybe those two nights should be at home nights for him. Maybe he was looking forward to coming home, fixing a meal and spending the time with you.

Also, texting is really no way to have a conversation. You don't get body language or voice cues. And fighting by text is completely unproductive.

You both should have have talking, in person, when you got home and you should never go to bed angry. Especially over this.

it's hard but my husband has ADD and tends to lose focus quickly so it's easier for me - he usually ends up changing the subject and soon it's all forgotten. he also tends to make jokes about things all the time and i end up laughing when i don't even want to. but it has taught me - just let it go. change the subject. make a joke. if it's really over something stupid, and you can't bring yourself to apologize, just let it go and pretend it never happened. he knows you love him (and you can tell him that too) and you know he loves you - if you're secure in your relationship, i don't see a need for a huge dramatic apology session after every little spat. once you're cooled off, yes, "babe i'm sorry about earlier, that was stupid." and then it's over. i don't know if it helps, i know how it is to be MAD and just want to stay MAD for awhile. sometimes i think it's just necessary for human sanity to be MAD sometimes. the key is that at the end you guys love each other. if you have kids, they know that even when mom and dad fight it's fine, they still love each other, it's not the end of the world. hugs and kisses as soon as you can stomach them lol. good luck.

you guys need to kiss and "make up" when my husband and i have those nitty gritty worthless battle's we wind up in a pillow fight to let out more of our frustrations, then before you know it we...................you know the rest...makes it so much better then before we know it, don't even remember what the argument was over

:( Sigh, I do it too sometimes L.. I totally hold a grudge even after it's clear he finally 'gets' it and takes a step towards me to fix it. Even as I know this is ENORMOUSLY difficult for him to do, I still want to be mad a little longer.

Sometimes I can behave in a way that suggests I'm OVER it, and honestly the pretending I'm pleased and satisfied that the issue has been resolved is enough and I realize shortly there after that everything IS ok!

Sometimes I am bitter and can't let go of the time wasted WAITING for him to finally get it

Sometimes I DIG REALLY DEEP and do it myself LONG before he finally gets it and that's when the damage is the least. So really you'd think I'd just do that EVERY time and life would be sweet.

Your awareness of your own behavior is clear evidence that you are MILES ahead of a lot of people (ok well women) when it comes to successful relationships.

I mean I guess you can try all the stand-bys, list in your mind all the GOOD things he brings to your life, look at the OVERALL picture and appreciate it, and so on....

For me to shake a salty/angry mood it is about getting outside of myself and not thinking selfishly. Sorting my thoughts on a good run is a lifesaver, too.
I look to the Bible and how God tells us to conduct ourselves in life, love and marriage.
Living in a way to honor your spouse, your family and ultimately your God provides a lot of motivation to get over yourself and forgive much more easily :)

I tend to stay "salty" (good word) for longer than my husband. BUT...! I also hate that feeling of NOT being the first to apologize and let it go. It leaves me feeling like such a crabby, miserly Grinch!

So, as much as the words might stick in my throat, I have found that apologizing and offering up proof of my forgiveness (by doing something nice or unexpected) get such an unbelievably grateful and loving and Wow-am-I-ever-sorry-too! response from my DH...It makes it worth it to let it go. 5 seconds of pain followed by hours of bliss.

I just think of it this way. Why argue over petty stuff? I mean really. You can be here today and gone tomorrow why argue and waste time over dumb stuff that really doesn't matter. I always tell my cousin (who always has to win the "fight" with her husband) what do you get when you "win" a prize? A boost to your ego? Life is to short to fight over things that won't matter in a day or two. You never know what is just around the corner so be ready, and you won't want your last words to be hurtfull or negative.

My husband and I don't fight. We have quick little arugments, talk it out, and move on. I cannot stay mad at him (if it was something big maybe but most of our little fights don't seem worth it).

Get to the root of the problem. Talk about it. YOU DONT HAVE TO AGREE ON IT!. And move on. :)

Read the book "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie

http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp...

It talks about this a lot. Not always fighting to be right, or recognized, but still maintain respect and keeping good and positive relationships.

Sometimes, you just have to force yourself to let things go. You said it was no big deal, so treat it like it was no big deal. Give him the benefit of the doubt and respect him for who he is, not for a minor slip up.

When my husband and I argue, we sometimes need maybe 3-4 hours to calm down if it was a big fight (which isn't very often), so we can talk about it calmly. If it's a little spat, we usually get over it within a few minutes.

How do we do that? We go and do something fun together, we cook a dinner, watch a favorite movie, read a book together, change the subject and talk about other things, do something unselfish and nice for the other person, remember their good qualities. When we discuss serious issues, we speak respectfully, hear each other out, value the other's opinion, hold hands, and compromise until we reach a resolution. Unless it's over a serious issue, it's not worth anyone's time to have anger like this over every little thing and to hold grudges for so long. People deserve to be forgiven quickly and swiftly, and you deserve to not feel that anger.

Also, put it in hindsight, how would you feel if he was angry at you for so long over something so tiny?

Really, work on your communication skills, you don't want to go into marriage and parenting without the ability to do this. It will only get more difficult!

Once you guys calm down, you need to make a rule. No going to bed angry. No leaving the house angry. You work things out and get it over with. Most fights with your S.O. are going to be over dumb stuff. That's good. (You're not arguing over BIG stuff!). So why let that ruin your day? God forbid you are in a dumb fight over something stupid and there is a car accident, or something else tragic, and you know that the last time you spoke you were fighting. Work out your issues. Don't go to bed mad. And then have fun making up!

Nothing ends our petty fights better than some good make up sex. Afterwards there is usually a pillow talk apology. Heck, that's how we ended up expecting baby #3 ;-)

I understand about the whole texting thing. Thats how my SO and I communicate on most days (he works very long hours, 6+ days a week). Eh, it works for us. Ok so I totally don't mean this the wrong way, and I hope you don't take offense to it, but when you posted exactly what he said, I laughed because I have said the same sentence. I even said something similar last night because my boyfriend couldn't make up his mind about dinner. I do think you over reacted a bit, but hey maybe it was just one of those days, and we all have those. I don't think he intentionally meant to offend your mom, he was probably overworked and just wanted something he was craving.
I just try to remember that there are bigger things to life then the spats that arise now and then. My SO and I literally kiss and make up. It usually starts with me trying to be mad and serious and telling him to stay out of my bubble (my personal space) then he keeps getting closer, invading my bubble and making goofy faces and comments, eventually I laugh and we kiss and make up and apologize to each other. I even apologize for over reacting, because usually I am just as guilty as him.
Try laughter, even when you don't want to, it does help. ;)

I think I understand.

I agree it was insensitive thing to say about a meal that was being prepared FOR him. (I always say I'd eat dirt as long as someone else cooks it! lol)

When my husband ticks me off (like he did just tonight) I wait for an appropriate time, tell him I did not appreciate the situation (tone of voice, attitude, insensitive remark--there are SO many things!) and let it go at that. I don't want to fight about stupid stuff like that (like you) yet I don't want him to remain oblivious to the way it makes him sound, appear, whatever to me or others so I DO point it out. Then see if it happens again--usually it doesn't.

I read somewhere that when you are having a "serious" conversation with your SO that you should always have one part of your body touching. Physically touching one another subconsciously helps you remember that you are in this relationship together. Everyone has off days for something as simple as not enough rest. I know I tend to get so emotionally wrapped up in my own misery that I withdraw myself - it hurts your SO when you do that. You don't think they notice but they do so try to do something simple as a hug. Maybe the next time you see him give him a hug =) BTW - I've gone almost a week being pissy just because. It takes up way too much energy when a hug is so much nicer...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the two of you never really talked it out. You texted back and forth all day long and your fiance ended up telling you he was sorry, but the two of you really never talked about why what he said upset you or tell him about which emotional hot buttons that he hit on you and why.

In fact, you may need to take some time to figure out why you got upset like you did so that you can talk to your fiance about it. Sometimes the things that I get upset with my husband about have something to do with something that he had done but the emotional trigger really has a lot to do with something that had happened in the past (ex-boyfriend, parents, friends). Or sometimes the thing we are fighting about is not the real reason for our animosity; it's just the cherry on the top of the cake.

But the two of you need to talk it out - face to face, not texting - so that you can really hash all this out and so that you can feel that he understands where you are coming from and why. Feeling as if you are understood can be very healing.

ADDED: Just read your So What Happened. Just chalk it up to him having an off moment and not handling himself well. If he is not normally like this, then I think you can understand that maybe his text was typed at a moment when he was feeling a little bit off or frustrated. I think you know that this has nothing to do about whether or not your fiance is grateful or appreciate what your mom does for the two of you. If he isn't normally like this, and if he did apologize, then I think you can let it go. After all, I'm pretty sure that there will come a time in your relationship where you will say something that is not so nice or you will have an unjustified bad attitude about something and I'm sure that you will appreciate your fiance cutting you some slack and accepting your apology as well.