How Do You Know It's Time?

Wow. I think this is one of those where the only way you can get a good answer is if you take a step back (or take a break), give it some time and then evaluate the situation you're in. Right now, I think you're too close to everything to give things the perspective you need to.

Hugs to you and I hope everything works out for the best.

You just haven't gotten to your breaking point, yet. Eventually you will tire enough of his ways that you'll do what needs to be done. My father was a philanderer, and while trying to make it work, my mother eventually divorced him. This was only after he gave her VD, and got two other women pregnant during the course of the marriage. Do you want this to be you? Things got so much better, and I didn't grow up with that terrible example of what a husband should be. Kids are pretty perceptive. If you think they are fooled, they aren't. Be a good role model and show your kids this is not acceptable-ever. Sure they will be sad, as you will be too. But what's the alternative? Take care and good luck with your situation.

I can't tell you if you are done, or not.

I can only tell you from my experience leaving a marriage that when it was time to leave, I knew without any hesitation that it was time to go. I went through a process of a year or so, going from "I'm not sure if I want to stay" to "I definitely need to go".

Whatever you do, get some support for yourself if possible. I was fortunate to have a great counselor in my life, and to go through the process with this support. My ex was adamantly opposed to my leaving, but was unwilling to see his part of the *why* I was leaving. (His narcissism. I couldn't fix that.;) ) Financially, you are going to have to get a nest egg set aside.

Only you will know when you are ready. But you *will* know.

I've got a friend going through this right now. She finally kicked him out. They have been together since she was 14 and she is almost 30 now. Luckily they don't have any kids. I know she still loves him, but she doesn't love him enough to always be on edge, wondering where he is and who he is with. It just tore her apart. Now that he is gone, she is starting to get on with her life. It's scary and hard, but she told me that the pain she feels for him not being there is only a fraction of what she felt when he was cheating. Everyday she gets stronger and I am SO proud of her.

So ask yourself, is it worth it? If you can live with the fact that he is having affairs, then that is your choice. Personally I couldn't do it.

You have to make the decision... No one else can make it for you.

You have to decide if you are worth more....do you deserve better treatment? I would HOPE your answer is a resounding YES....however, I don't know you....

personally? It sounds like you don't have much confidence in yourself to stand up to him and say ENOUGH...it's like you are resigned to him being this way and treating you this way...why do you do this to yourself? Love doesn't make a marriage work- communication and respect do...

You need to love you. You need to respect you....stop trying to make other people happy and take care of you... no one can love you until you love yourself...

GOOD LUCK!

I'm sorry for your situation. No, its not time. You shouldn't be done.

Get some marriage counseling for you and him. Be careful in who you choose for a marriage counselor. Many people say they are marriage counselors. But some are really divorce counselors instead. Be proactive. Do all you can to encourage your husband to work with you to heal your marriage.

Get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". The title usually makes women mad, but if you can get past that, its a real good book that helps women understand men and helps men understand women. Get the movie, "Fireproof". My wife and I and two of our kids with their spouses watched it together. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Watch it with your husband and get the companion book to the movie, "The Love Dare." I am on day 13,000+.

You wouldn't give up on your kids. Don't give up on your husband. Remember back to when you were first dating him. What are the things you did to make him fall in love with you? What did you do then that you don't do now? How are you different? How have you changed? How has he changed?

Good luck to you and yours.

You will know when it's time, trust yourself and listen to your intuition. I have been where you are and decided to stay.My husband had a full blown affair and has since went to counseling and really changed. The issue for me is that I have been with my husband since I was 19 I am 37 and I just simply am not in love. I love him but in love no, I stayed for my children and I know that some moms reading this will not agree with my decision but it's one that I made for me. He is an excellent father the sun set's and rises on him for them and I feel selfish taking that away from them just because I fell out of love. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what my life will be like in 10-15yrs when I finally reach that point of being done. I look forward to the possibilities of life, I decided to stay but I did put in a plan in place. I started therapy to get myself to a point that I could be strong enough to do what was right for me and deal with the fall out from children of that decision. I have a leadership position in my field but I wanted to be sure that I could provide the same lifestyle my children have now with his salary and mine so I enrolled in school and will be finished with my PHD in two more years. I maynot be done right now but when I am I will be somewhat prepared for that day. Maybe you can do the same? start preparing for what could be. You have enough courage to stay it's easier to leave than stay. So you can pull from the same place for the courage to leave when your ready. Don't ever leave because you think or someone told you, you should. Leave because you know it's the right thing to do and leave when you know you will not look back. Good luck to you!

I know you said that you dont need to hear it but its true - there is no way that he loves you if he is cheating on you
A person would never do that to someone that they truly loved. If you stay knowing full well that he is still cheating or will cheat again you are doing nothing but hurting yourself
Im sorry that this is happening to you but honestly you cant knowingly allow someone to treat you this way and then get upset at them when you finally hit your breaking point. Leave now before he has the chance to hurt you more
Good Luck

Your instincts are probably correct, but I think you should be certain he is still doing it before you split up.

Good luck, it's hard.

TRUE love means commitment and respect. Your husband's actions are neither of those things which tell me:

1. You're not speaking accurately for him to say he's truly in love with you (bc it sounds like he doesn't even know what that means)

2. He IS in love with you, but has a big problem where he cannot control his impulses. I doubt this, as an affair (w/the same person) that spans several months is not exactly "impulsive".

I would try to go to counseling. If he's not open to that and you're not up to living this way the rest of your life, I would say it's time. You have lost yourself in a relationship where you're making all the concessions. If you're asking this question, I'm guessing you're at a point where that's just not ok anymore.

I'm so sorry - best of luck to you.

i was there with my ex...not fun at all. If you have no extreme emotions like anger or passio in regards to him cheating...then you're probably not in love anyway. Maybe you should take a few month break from him and see what happens, and how he treats you and if he fights for you with all of his might or if he J. accepts it and takes off. I would say your feelings of loving him sound the same as mine, but now I realize it wasn;t the kind of love you should have in a marrige J. a deep love that was more like family from beig together so long, but we weren't right for eachother in a romantic sense...I hope you get courage to begin a new life, with or without him and experience love the right way!

Is opening up your marriage a possibility?

Hi Melissa
The positive thing is at least you are honest with yourself enough to admit that he has affairs.
What to do with this information is 100% your choice and you made it clear that you didn't want us ladies to give you our honest oponion on the man just a sugar coated one.
So my advise would be a very cliche one but very crucial in living a healthy,happy life. It is be true to yourself, live a life that makes you happy with no regrets.
Its your choice of a life with or without him.
Wishing you all the best
B. k

I think therepy is in order for yourself ... you never know what you will discover to be the truth. Hypnotherepy is what I find to be the most effective, time wise and learning the root of issues wise. After a few GOOD sessions you will know your answer because it will come from you, the therepist simply helps you say it aloud.

I think only you can answer your own question.
It's highly possible to love someone with all your heart but not be able to live with them.
You'll put up with anything and everything, do without anything and everything, do anything to make other people happy.
If your husband has continued to do questionable things, or things you suspect without proof, have you considered changing for yourself? Your husband well may love you, without question, but does he respect you on the same level you respect yourself?
Think carefully about that before you answer.
Not to me, or anyone else....but to yourself.

All I can say if my good friend lived in fear of cheating, lived with the fear that he was cheating he kept saying he wasnt, kept saying she was crazy to think so and then BAM she finds out for sure and in a matter of days he was moved out and she was alone with her two kids. Now they are going through the divorce battle and she is seeking counceling because of his lying and manipulation. She says one thing is fure sure..." I have never felt more in control of my future" she is jobless, educationless but is the happiest she has been in years! She was married for 11 years

Sweetie, sometimes love isn't enough. It seems to me that you have 2 choices. Stay and deal with being treated this way for the rest of your marriage, because if it hasn't stopped already it never will or make plans to leave. If there is a YWCA in your area, they have wonderful women's services and can guide you to what YOU feel you need to do.

I don't know if you are done or not, because only you can answer that. I can tell you that if I were in your position, I would stay until my kids were 18. Who knows what kind of people he is going to expose your kids to if you leave him. He will have other women in and out of their lifes. It will do much more harm to them than if you stay, in my opinion. I also would not have unprotected (without a condem) sex with him any longer so that you don't end up with some STD from one of the biatches that he is running around on you with. I am sorry that you are going through this. I think you keep your mouth shut, and start putting away money for the next 8 years and get yourself prepared so that soon as your youngest is 18 or graduates from high school whichever comes sooner, you are out the door, and have the security to do it.

No one can seriously tell you when your done but you, we all have deal breakers that we say are deal breakers but even somtimes we love through them......I am sorry you went through this! maybe you can ask yourself a few questions and take it one day at a time and THE day will come when you say I'm in or I'm out..

1.Is he doing all that he can to reconcile with you what he has done or is he still doing the same ol things as if it is what it is?
2.What did the issue do to you mentally and address that on a ongoing basis from here out.
3.Have you thought about what are your deal breakers and if it happened again would that be one? If so have a thought process to plan accordingly.
4.Is he doing all he can to rebuild the trust you have lost for him? IE: communicating with you in all ways before you even have to ask him certain things.

Only you can answer that question for yourself.

If it were me I would seek spiritual and/or psychological counseling before making any decisions.

I suspect - if it were me - I'd lay low until my youngest went to college. Then I would be done. I would not, however, "tip my hand" until that point. But that's just me, and that may or may not be the best way to handle it.

Good luck, and hang in there.

I think you know that it's time, and you need help (a push?) making that first step. If you can afford it, see a counselor, it will be incredibly helpful.
I just don't get those who say "stay together for the children," as if the kids don't pick up on the situation, no matter how well you think they are protected from it. It would be one thing if the cheating didn't bother you, but clearly it does. Raising kids in a home where daddy cheats and mommy is sad is SO wrong as far as I'm concerned, and a terrible example of marriage to model for them.
I also think a counselor may be able to help you with your feelings of "love" for your husband. I know you say that's not up for debate but you need to think about it. It's like when an abused woman says she "loves" her abuser, and everyone around her is like, what?! That's probably what your friends see. You're too much on the inside to see things clearly.

RE: "I'm the type that will put up with anything, do without everything, stretch myself as thin as I need to in order to make everyone around me happy."

Make YOURSELF happy first! You need to stand tall and do not "sacrifice" yourself for "everyone around you". The best thing you can do for "everyone around you" is to be strong and love yourself FIRST, even before your kiddos. Just like they say on the airplanes, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before helping others. Otherwise, you will be of no good to anyone in the long run!

From someone who's ex cheated on them, it is time when you ask the question. :(

Oh hon if you're not in therapy for yourself, you need to be. You need to find out why you value yourself so little. What do you get out of the dysfunction and how can you meet that need in a positive way? Being the person who goes to great lengths to make other people happy at her own expense does something for you or you wouldn't do it - does it make you feel virtuous? needed? justified? like a martyr? worthy of approval?

You have boundary issues in the sense that you seem to not have any regarding how far people can intrude in your life and violate you. Therapy can help with this (there are some good books too). You clearly have no self-esteem either. Please, if not for you then for you children's mental health, seek out therapy. They WILL sense your unhappiness and they WILL pick up on something not right between you and your husband. They need to see you two as equal partners modeling a truly loving relationship in which each person treasures and values the other, not one taking advantage while the other lies there like a doormat.

I have been in your shoes affair wise. I can assure you that once is a terrible decision that can be rectified if both partners are willing to go to hell and back. After that? He's OUTTA here. Where is your outrage? Where is your self-respect? Where is your justified anger? Why aren't you making him win your trust back in words and deeds and attitude each and every day? Do not just roll over and die because it's easier than rising up and fighting for your marriage. If you love him, and if you think your kids are better off with you and him together, you dig deep and FIGHT for this. Let it get ugly. Scream and yell and tell him every hateful thought you've been holding in. Let him see that this hurts, that you still feel and that you still care enough to not just turn a blind eye. Let him know that he has to choose you or her/them. Forever. You know what? It's exhausting and draining. It's very hard to let yourself feel - it's easier to just go numb, build walls, fill your life with a million other things that take your time and energy so that you don't deal with this today, or tomorrow, or next week. Before you know it, years have gone by and it seems tolerable. Don't be that woman. You get one life - don't spend it with someone who values you so little.

And I know you don't want to hear this, because you know it. THIS is not love. Men who love their spouses as much as themselves don't do this, repeatedly. Mistakes get made - this is not a mistake, it's a deliberate choice, day in and day out, action after action, to show you how much he devalues you and dis-respects you on some level.

Marriages can survive affairs, but not the way that you and your husband are handling things. Start with therapy for you - make some phone calls and set up and appointment today.