How Do You Handle the Stress of the Holidays!!??

You act like it has to be you or her, but can't there be compromise? Talk with her and see if she would be okay doing a tradeoff. Maybe the two of you could alternate years, or one of you host Christmas while the other takes Thanksgiving? There is no reason you should not both give a little on this and find a schedule that works and is not just all about you you you.

I am italian too and people come for Christmas Eve 4-7p. Perfect. Please compromise, you will not look good to anyone for being uncooperative.

Nope, you aren't wrong. I'd be pissed. I'd then say fine, let her do it. I'd then stay home and have the sort of thanksgiving I want.

In fact we stopped going to my brothers because his girlfriend made us feel so unwelcome. She has her whole family too,and we get seated by family. It's weird, strange, and I prefer to just skip the stress completely.

Last year we put up the tree, had simple appetizers and a simple dinner. It was amazing to delete all the stress.

Let her do it and have a PJ day. Watch a family movie, be thankful for the simple things. I'm doesn't have to be o hard.

Things change. Families change. Times change.

You are now married, with two small children, and you're geographically closer to your in-laws than your relatives. Who are you creating a loving, warm, family Christmas for? The answer should be: your husband and your children and yourself. You sound so angry ("damn holidays", "chew and screw", "you're soft", "I'm not willing to do this".)

It's not about "having" Christmas Eve. December 24 comes for everyone, of every religion or non-religion, of every race and creed. It's a date on the calendar. Certainly, many people have traditions that center around Christmas Eve. Some spend that evening in worship services, some spend it at a feast (homemade or at a restaurant), some watch sports and get as drunk as possible, some ignore it as it has no meaning other than perhaps a day off from work. I encourage you to think what it means to you; does it mean faith, family, peace, joy, togetherness, love, food? Or does it mean nothing if it's not the exact food on the exact date?

Why does this epic spread mean so much to you? Is it because you want people around, or you need to keep this tradition alive, or you love the preparation?

Here's some suggestions:

Decorate your house to your heart's content: FOR YOUR KIDS AND YOUR HUSBAND. Create your own decorating traditions.

Go graciously to your inlaws' family gatherings on Christmas Eve. It's not "dragging your kids". It's bringing them to grandma's, or auntie and uncle's house, and it's about family. Be appreciative and grateful and friendly. Ask if there's anything you can do to help, or cook, and if not, bring a lovely poinsettia or a bottle of champagne or a a homemade holiday bread for the family to share the next morning. Or just a smile if that's all they request.

Find out if there's a homeless shelter or a woman's shelter, or something similar that you can make an epic spread for, or cook for, or deliver a million jars of homemade cranberry sauce to. Ask a church or synagogue or mosque if there's a family in need (fighting a life-threatening illness, or perhaps their home burned down, or they lost their job, a wounded warrior's family, a family who has suffered a loss) and ask if the church leader/pastor/rabbi would find out if they'd love a home cooked meal (have him or her check for allergies, or food restrictions if there's illness involved). Make that feast. Deliver it with joy, or enlist the church's help in delivering it.

Find joy in making your family traditional foods for your family. Do it on Christmas day, or December 26th, or New Year's Eve. It doesn't have to be ON THAT EXACT DAY to have meaning. Have you heard of people who delay a special holiday until their son or daughter or spouse comes home from Afghanistan? They celebrate Christmas in September when the squadron comes home from deployment. Or people who end up moving their wedding day from next fall to tomorrow because a loved one is so sick with terminal cancer that he or she won't be there next fall. All the elaborate planning, the caterer, the flowers, the dress - it's all scrapped and there's a wedding in the living room with a justice of the peace and a store-bought bouquet and a cheese tray from Costco, but that loved one is there, and in the photos, and that's ALL that matters. What's important are the meanings, the memories, the love, the joy, the peace. They're not "damn" holidays. Whether you believe the holidays are holy days, or fun days, or when Santa comes, or when Christ was born, or an observance of Hanukkah, or celebrating the winter solstice, unity is found in joy and generosity and kindness and sharing and love.

Above all, be grateful. Be joyous. You have children, a husband, a home. You're welcome at your in-law's homes. You were raised with a loving family with traditions. You are turning your blessings into resentment. You say you were brought up in a certain way, you always had the holidays in a certain way, when you were growing up. What will your children say when they have families of their own? Will they tell their children that the holidays were about sharing, about gathering together, about joy, or will they say "my mother used to yell at my dad about the "damn" holidays and she used to say "you ain't coming here to chew and screw by two" and everybody ended up fighting. We didn't go to our relatives' house because my mother was mad". Think about what you're creating for your children.

After your SWH. This is a site to ask questions; not to vent. In fact, a question is required to have a question. You did ask a question. "......am I wrong here. Perhaps you asked this because you had to have a question. Apparently you only wanted answers that agreed with you. Your response in your SWH sounds immature. Just as having holidays done your way and only your way is immature. I suggest that mature adults have learned how to share.
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You reduce the stress by being flexible. I suggest it's not fair to others to insist you're the only one who can do a holiday dinner correctly. Actually, I see it as rude.

There are many ways to celebrate. Yet you judge your in-laws bease they do thinges differently than you. I urge you to think of the holidays in terms of sharing love. We use getting together as a way of sharing love. Why should you be the only one whose able to make a good dinner and fill the house with love and hapoiness?

I suggest you work thru your angry feelings then get together with your sister-in-law to plan ways you can be involved. (She's been with your brother-in-law long enough that she fits the role.)

Accept that it's someone else's turn to have the pleasure of the holidays in their home. Be kind. Be loving. Build new traditions. Enjoy your relatives in a more relaxed way. Perhaps not enjoying them without the buffer of hosting is a reason to only have dinner at your house? I suggest you think of ways to be accepting of family and their differences.

Your post sounds like you need to be in control. How do you get along with family? Relationships are difficult when control is important to happiness.

Find a way to accept this change. Relax and enjoy being with family. Preparing dinner isn't the only way to share love. Isn't love and thankfulness the reason for the holidays?

So, your BIL's girlfriend is not allowed to see her family on the holiday, or share any of her family traditions with your family? Your way of celebrating is the only right way? Wow. It's called compromise, and that's what you do when you have multiple families during the holidays. So yes, you invite them over early, and they leave when they need to go. If you don't want to put on a big spread for them because they have to leave early, then scale it down.

ETA: Well, based on the high emotion in the first post, I figured there would an unhappy SWH. But, yes, you are correct in your SWH. This is not simply a place to vent. It's a place to get honest answers. If you ask "...am I wrong here?" , then if people think you are wrong, they are going to say so. I'm not saying this to be mean or make you feel badly. I'm saying it because if you value honest answers and you stick around, you can get some really good insights here. Just be sure you are ready for honest answers before you post, because that is what you are going to get, whether you are emotionally prepared for them or not.

Shannon said it perfectly. And just to throw this in... what about BIL's girlfriend? What if she also comes from a long line of tradition and LOVES having all the family over and wants to do so at her house... to maintain HER traditions and feelings around the holidays? Hmm?
You need to figure out how to compromise, or to let it go completely. Honestly, if you're just going to be bitchy about the whole thing, don't bother doing any of it... b/c everyone will pick up on it and everyone (including yourself) will be miserable. What a way to ruin a holiday.
ETA: As for the "vent"... you asked a question. You didn't just vent. You asked if you were wrong. And you are.

ETA: There is lot of anger here which belies something you stated:
" I was raised to have a loving family around".
Where is the love in what you wrote? Instead of being gracious, you act like you own the holiday and someone stole it from you. You act like the people in your husband's families are a cast of characters whose sole purpose it is to surround your kids with love.You seem angry that your characters went off script and decided to act autonomously. I mean, your BILs girlfriend *did*, in fact, express her intention well before Thanksgiving. This isn't 'last minute'.

Kids only need one healthy, stable, loving parent to feel loved. Your children will not feel any LESS loved elsewhere. Seriously, think about what you are saying and projecting onto others. My guess is that this is far more reflective of your disrespect for the girlfriend than anything else. There are some people who have to have everything fit their perfect expectations or they aren't happy, and then they wonder why people are such a disappointment. Think about it and quit blaming others for your own unhappiness.

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Wow, so everyone has to dance to your tune? You can't see fit to scale down, accommodate something different, and so you are calling your husband 'soft'?

Woman, sit yourself down and seriously, read your post. No one is forcing you to do a big spread. You asked about stress, but you are the only one *making* the stress here. You're acting like a two year old having a hissy fit. I understand you are sad that you lost your father, but I'd suggest you remember that being overly controlling is not going to bring him back or make you feel better. Please believe me, I had something terrible happen to me on Christmas day years ago and it took a while to get past the idea that I could somehow control things into feeling 'okay'. It doesn't. You have to grieve the loss and let it go and remember that you don't have the right to impose your will on everyone else around you. Or not-- and continue to be angry. Your choice. I know what I chose, and life's a lot better for it.

You're upset because hubby's family wants to celebrate in a different way than what you experienced growing up. Well, time to grow up, put your big girl panties on and realize that it's EVERYONE's holiday, not just yours.

All you have to do is scale back. Apparently all those decorations and that huge spread are more important to you than the others in the family. Again, put your big girl panties on and accept change.

Why don't you talk to the girlfriend and work it out so one of you does it one year, and the other does it the next.

I don't see anyone condemning you. They are saying to think about this with an open mind and be open to change. It's clear that you are not. How sad for you and your family.

I wish I could send Elena B a hundred flowers! What a wonderful, thoughtful and complete response!

You don't believe in dragging your kids around on the holidays, but everyone else should drag their families around instead? Doesn't sound very fair.

I think you're putting up more of a fight than is necessary, yes.
If the girlfriend wants to host, let her. You do nothing. Just go to their house.

You may not like dragging the kids around, but maybe it will be OK.
Because otherwise, it seems that you will not win this battle. You want to force people to come to your house and force "loyalties", and no one wins in that situation.

Well you've already written your SWH so I will try to be as gentle as possible. I can totally relate to your gripes because I am a person who also like things the way I like them, enjoys planning and entertaining, can't stand last minute 'wrenches" in plans. I need a LOT of lead time to adjust my expectations.

Your question is "Am I wrong here??" and unfortunately the answer is... yes :(

I think where you are going wrong is with your 'all or nothing' attitude. You want to entertain the family and share traditions but only if you can have them for an extended period time.. if not, NO GO (right?)

Your reasons make total sense- holidays are hard when you are missing family members, you want to share traditions, and you need to go all out or it just doesn't feel like the 'real deal' to you (I get that totally). But can you imagine your husband explaining to his family "hey guys, we need Christmas Eve to be at our house exclusively because of all G.'s thoughts, feelings, and opinions about Christmas"... I mean talk about making it all about you! You don't want it to sound like that. But... it does.

You didn't ask for practical solution from us, but I think your only choices are 1)give in a little and share the day at the two different places; 2) consider spreading it out over a few more days- a Christmas day event at your house or a "day after"- lots of families do this; or 3) stick with your all-or-nothing and don't do yours :(

For the record, I totally feel you. You remind me a lot of me and how I feel about special events and holidays, and plans and expectations. But we also need to be aware of how we present ourselves to others, including our loved ones, and sometimes we have to step outside ourselves a little to see if we are going to come off as unreasonable or inflexible. That's what led you here, right?

This is just a teeny tiny bit why I hate from Halloween to New Years.

You asked if you are wrong. My answer is yep, you are.

Your issue could be solved pretty easily. All you need do is go to the girlfriend's Christmas Eve affair and not have one of your own. Let someone else be the hostess for a change.

Per your what happened, there is nothing loving about your attitude, all me me me, I want I get!! I have a sister in law like you, too lazy to take her kids out so she takes on the family meals, complains complains complains then when anyone suggest we have the gathering at our house gets all butt hurt, much like you are in this "question".

Why don't you grow up and realize the world does not revolve around you and only you. I am with Christine W, I think, this one sister in law is the reason I hate visiting with my husband's wonderful family.

It is kind of funny, the question, how do you handle the stress of the holidays when someone just like you causes all the stress during the holidays.

Ya know I got wrapped up with your ridiculous what happened that I didn't even notice girlfriend said she would do this last year. So rather than take your kids over there for dinner, knowing a year! in advance, you are going to have a tantrum lunch and make everyone feel bad for going over to the girlfriends. Are you 5?

oof.

since my little mumsie started to get overwhelmed with the holiday stuff i've had the big dinner here, on christmas day. (we quit going anywhere on christmas years ago when we had small kids.) i am totally with you on the work involved in putting on the ritz for holiday celebrating. i've always enjoyed it, but boy, it is a LOT of work and stress.

but you do come off as a bit of a DQ, hon. sorry, but you do.

not quite sure what you mean about the BIL/gf situation. are you BOTH having big spreads? or the eats are at your place, but the other festivities at hers?

i mean, if she wants to do it all, why not just let her?

or if your poor husband is 'soft' for wanting to keep peace in the family, i guess you could draw a hard line and YOU inform everyone that they'd better not go to the other house and should damn well stay at your and ENJOY.

if the two-house scenario is how it's going to be, i myself would roll my eyes a little and then go with it. probably call the gf and say 'since everyone's coming to your place shortly after the meal, how about we do the coffee and dessert there?'

take the opportunity to lessen your own workload a little.

but either way i think you might want to refocus on loving your husband a little during the season of love instead of beating him up for something that was never his idea to start with.
khairete
S.

Well, you can decide not to host. Or you can decide to do a much lighter spread. Or you can talk to them about how this makes you feel. Or you can all go out to dinner somewhere. Years ago, I was all set for my first married woman Thanksgiving and my uncle's brand new wife decided to take it from me and the whole family (aside from my mother and sister) were like "well, she lives closer..." That came to bite them in the butt a few years ago when she suddenly decided not to host anymore. They are still welcome here, but choose not to - and that's their choice. Mine is to host my ILs and be happy. So you can choose to be upset or you can make a celebration that works for you, even if it's different than it's always been. Can you travel to see your family instead?

Additional: You sound very angry that you didn't get all the answers you wanted. You can vent, certainly, but the bottom line is YOU choose how YOU handle your holiday and if you can't discuss the holiday calmly to us, I rather wonder how you've approached this with your family. Is this just about the GF or is it about what you see as "your" holiday and the emotions that come with the time of year in which you lost your father? Maybe start with an apology to your DH and see what you/he can sort out together as a compromise.

OK - two separate issues.

Do you love to do a huge decoration thing? If yes, do it. Do it for YOU, not for the rest of the extended family.

As someone who came from divorce, I have a very flexible attitude toward the holiday season. It's not about the DAY, it's about the season. Thanksgiving is FOUR days long. Christmas goes from Dec. 24-Dec. 31. Why? Because the family isn't just me, it's a whole bunch of other people.

The family isn't about you and how you've done it for the last 6 years. It's about family. Decorations and a spread are fine, but that's not the point.

Re. the dinner thing - take a breath and chill:
1) She wants to do dinner. Fine. Then let her do it, YOU take a day off and DON'T do it this year.

2) Do you LIKE to bust your butt preparing? If yes, great. do it on a different day so you can have the house full of family that you want. If not, then let go of the perfect picture in your head and spend time with family.

Of course you can vent here and are welcome; folks have been venting here for a long time. But this is an advice site, where people post not just agreement with a vent but their advice and opinions about the situation. Most of the posts below try to be at least somewhat supportive and recognize your stress, but they also offer views that don't necessarily just nod in agreement that you're right and everyone else is wrong.

Most people posting offered you ideas about flexibility and adaptability--two things you seem determined not to consider. Why not? It's nice that you've been willing to host for so long, but your traditions and expectations don't get to trump everyone else's, unless you want to celebrate your traditions alone. And if your husband, who apparently has been supportive of your hosting all these years, wants to go to his own brother's house as a change, or find some other arrangement for everyone, why do your wishes and birth family traditions get to "win" over his wishes this time -- after six years of his helping you host? Doesn't he get a say?

Why not work with the girlfriend to coordinate plans rather than view the holidays as either "yours" or "hers" like it's a competition? You could have folks over Christmas Eve while she has them over Christmas Day, or the other way around, or you do something for New Year's. Or you think outside the box of a big meal and do an open house style buffet of Italian finger foods, meats, little desserts, instead of a big sit-down meal. Not your tradition, I know, but traditions are about sharing, and you've had six straight years to share your way of doing things. I'm sure you teach your kids to take turns. Now you have a chance to model that for them.

It sounds as if maybe you miss your family and its traditions so much that you define Christmas Eve as being solely about doing what you are used to doing. But others get to define it differently. They've come to you for a very long time now; it shouldn't be such a threat to you that you might have to do something different one year. It isn't a crack at who you are as a person, it's only a desire to change things up, and you get to be guest instead of host for once. Can you step back from the emotion and give it a try, for your husband's sake if nothing else?

By the way: The girlfriend has been in the family longer than you've been married, as you say yourself. So there's no case of her being some new girlfriend trying to make a mark; she's family, married or not. And I agree that it's not always great to haul young kids around but your post indicates everyone lives close by, if the idea is for folks to go to two houses on the same day. It's not a case of hauling kids hours each way.....Those are the kinds of considerations that you might see if you can cool off the anger and look at the situation calmly.

We always went to my grandparent's house for Christmas. They lived 7 hours away, so we stayed for a few days. My cousins had to fly in every year. It was awesome! It was a giant slumber party. We looked forward to it every year! Our immediate family would open presents the night before we left, so Christmas morning at Grandma & Grandpa's house the only presents we opened were from them or aunts and uncles. It was still amazing!

The holidays are what you make of it ... what you choose to get excited about.

My MIL is obsessed about the actual day. Thanksgiving has to be on Thanksgiving. Christmas has to be on Christmas. Fortunately for her (and for us, really) my family does not care. To us, the holidays are about carving out time for each other. My MIL gets Thanksgiving Day (so does my brother's in-laws), and my parents get Saturday. And we have a wonderful time on Saturday!

You have to compromise, but you also need to think about what really matters. For me, it's not nearly as much about the food an the exact time/date. No, wait, the food does matter :-) But the most important thing to me is spending time with people.

So, what's the most important thing for you?

We are Italians too.. however, you have to learn to compromise, especially as the family gets bigger... In our case, I host Christmas and have been for several years. Now, IF someone else would like to take it over, PLEASE DO... when I was less flexible, I'd probably have been upset if someone wanted to do it, but now, I try and roll with the punches and not be as controlling,which is something I was, oh everything had to be in place, the food had to be just right, the decor had to gorgeous.. now, my wine glasses NEVER match as I refuse to buy new ones until the rest are all broken.. :) Our cousins, used to host Thanksgiving, then switched to Christmas Eve and now this year, with short notice said they aren't hosting Christmas and instead are back to Thanksgiving, in their case, the husband's cousin (also big Italian family) wants to have Christmas eve at their place... so the cousins are going along with the plan..
You are going to need to compromise.. The holidays may mean one thing to you but will mean something else to others..
I too have lost loved ones, as has our cousin who just lost her father in April, so this Christmas will be the first without him.. BUT.. she still gave up Christmas eve so that someone else could host it..
In a way, good... the family comes over for a couple of hours and then afterward, you get to enjoy the kids... to me, that sounds AWESOME!!! in our case, if things end early, we drive around and look at all the Christmas lights..
also, you've hosted now for 6 years.. give the girlfriend a chance who may want to make a good impression.... maybe even give her some tips...
it's not as bad as you think it may be .... it will work itself out..
show some flexibility and this will teach the kids a good lesson in compromise..

good luck

I know you are feeling attacked, so I hesitate commenting. I get that you feel that the responses are too harsh, but I truly hope you allow yourself to take in some of the main points: the points encouraging you to be more giving/sharing of plans and ideas with others especially your husband and those points encouraging you to appreciate others' needs for the holidays. These suggestions will give you more peace. We all need reminders sometimes of ways we need to grow. Blessings

Chiming in after your So What Happened?
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad during the holidays but perhaps it would do you some good to just relax your expectations and create some new traditions for yourself and your family. It doesn't seem to me based on your post like you enjoy hosting for the holidays if your guests can't meet your expectations or even if they can.

I grew up in a big extended family and had a big family. When I became an adult I decided to spend my holidays with friends. When I had my son, I split the time between friends and my familly. My son is now 21 and I have small holiday events at my house with our families. If people can't come or don't come it's fine because the only rule I have is bring a dish. I cook and so does all of the adults in the house this makes it easier on us all, especially me. I work on Christmas Eve and usually end up working an entire day. Which means if I was hosting a Christmas Eve anything it would have to be set up in advance.

Be gracious and just relax. Things may not be what you want them too but count your blessings instead of what you are lacking or not wanting. You can only control you.

In our family we had something called compromise.
Had my side for Christmas Eve, spent Christmas morning at home, just US, me, hubby and kids, then spent Christmas afternoon/evening with the in laws.
Sorry your idea of "loving family" only means doing things your way :-(
I feel sorry for your husband and kids.

I guess I would be upset that a "girlfriend" is trying to take away the party that I always had at my house...I do get that.

I also understand that you were raised by a large family that went all out on decorations and food and you all probably hung out all day and nibbled and played games, and watched football, etc. And you want to do the same at your house for your in-laws. I guess they want to go to the girlfriends house now. Maybe for a variety, maybe they don't like your house or your food or your rules or expectations.

I think your husband is right. Things change. And the girlfriend wants to have a party at her house too. So then you can offer an earlier meal, like at lunch time, and she can do the evening meal, or vice-versa. No biggie. Share the glory and be happy that you all can get together at all.

I have a very small family. The only ones left are me, hubby, my 2 kids and my mom. That's it. We've always had a small family. We just aren't into the big party scene. My mom started the tradition of having tacos on xmas eve. But I'm not going to do that this year. It's just too much work. We go to our church service and also open all our presents on xmas eve and preparing tacos just takes too much time. So this year I'm making a casserole that will already be ready to throw in the oven. I'm just not a great cook and I don't really like it so that's what I'm going to do.

I HATE stress and have taken steps to eliminate it from my life. I have been downsizing all our worldly possessions this year. Just keeping what we need and really love. I also got rid of people in my life that weren't the best influence for me or my family. I decorate for the holidays but don't go all crazy anymore. It's just not that important. It's not the focus of the season and it shouldn't be. So we have made some changes.

Maybe you an cut back on all the decorations and food. Just have the basics. Its way less work and still everyone appreciates it. Maybe it will help change your attitude. Maybe focus on helping a family that needs help or go serve at a church food pantry and/or soup kitchen. Re-evaluate what is important. Focus on your husband and kids. If anyone else shows up, great, if not, then you still have your own little family you can focus on. I hope you find some things that will help you. Good luck.

My husband's sister was the first in their family to get married and have kids. She wanted to stay home for Christmas (and not have to leave). One of the brothers complained saying they had always done Christmas at their parents house and how dare she break that tradition. My husband (so he tells me) said, dude you have to let her start her own traditions with her own family..

You have to let your BIL start his own traditions. He might see this girlfriend as a potential wife. If that's the case, they are a family, too. It's not ok to expect her to just accept your traditions and ignore her own feelings.

Work with her! Maybe she can host a dinner one day, and you can host one another day. Maybe one of you can have the Saturday before Christmas and the other can have Christmas Eve. Think about it. Are you sure there isn't a way you can make this work?

I think the problem is that you and your husband have different traditions. You, understandably, want to do it "your way" with all the fixings as you grew up with. But they want to do it "their way" which is to see a bunch of people. If you feel that the "only" way you can do it with a big spread, that's a problem because you're almost telling others that they have to enjoy it and eat what you eat and spend as much time as you did as a kid. So what would happen if you made 1/3 of the normal amount of food and only did your traditional appetizers or lunch stuff, but not enough food for your big family of origin? If you had a huge family when you were growing up, then SOMEBODY in that group was traveling, right? Maybe some of them even had little kids. So, if "at home" means your parents' house, you had it all right in front of you. But some of the relatives were leaving their own homes and traveling to you. They hung out all day and so a huge butt-busting effort was, perhaps, worth it - unless of course your mother was exhausted and you never knew it.

But that's not your husband's family's tradition. If your BIL's girlfriend wants to do something, why is that a threat? Maybe she's destined to be a part of the family? Maybe someone is trying to take the stress of you with your little kids and your feeling of being overwhelmed by all the work. I think it has a lot to do with what you said about not seeing your family - you miss them and all the hoopla and all the comfort of those old traditions. Exhausting yourself would be worth it, in your view, because you are guaranteed that those folks would settle right in and enjoy it.

So rather than set yourself up for misery, scale back. Make A FEW key recipes that are appropriate for noon-2 PM, with as little effort as possible. Try not to be disappointed in this - because if you overdo it, you will be disappointed as well, and also more tired and also much more tapped out financially.

I do think there's some value to exposing your kids, on a manageable schedule, to the happy chaos of a big family. Why shouldn't they have some version of what you had? Pick a day to visit and a day to be home - either travel on Christmas Eve and leave after a few hours, and stay home on Christmas, or the other way around. Or have Christmas morning at your house, perhaps with just your immediate family or perhaps some grandparents, and then see relatives in the afternoon.

So, I think you are entitled to love what you love and to honor the traditions and memories you cherish. I think you may not be able to force your in-laws to love what you love, because they already love what they love. I think the biggest gift you can give your children is finding some new traditions and some old/new memory combination that allows them to grow up with the joy of holidays and not the knowledge that their parents are fighting or that their mother is miserable without her family and with a disdain for their father's family. They may be complete jerks and they may yank your chain by doing things on their own terms, but either you put up with them or you happily take your children to the in-laws, or you spend it alone. I think you can find a compromise, and it wouldn't hurt your husband to support SOME of what you like just as you support SOME of what he wants.

But the way things are now, you are miserable - and that's what's causing the stress.

ETA: Your SWH response maybe your true colors. YOU do not want to change anything but people change and do their own thing whether you like it or not. We on this forum are from any different social, economic, and ethnic backgrounds and we were trying to suggest to you that perhaps it was/is time to try something different for a season. We are not trying to condemn you in any way. It is time for you to grow up and be aml adult. Life does not revolve around you and only you. Listen to your husband he maybe on to something. I am sorry for your loss but time and tide wait on no man. Make the best of the season.

Original: Maybe it is time for new family traditions. You host one year and the girlfriend the next and someone else the following year.

We all have family traditions that change over the course of our lives. So this might be the time for a change. Perhaps one year you could go to your family for a holiday of non-stop food and partying. Finances also play a part in how much people do for any season. I love the holidays but as I grow older I enjoy not making a big production out of anything as I am the one that has to put it up and take it down.

Sometimes less is better. Stop trying to run the whole show. Stop sweating the small stuff and enjoy the holiday without all the fanfare. Make your own traditions up between you and hubby for your nuclear family and not the extended.

the other S.

You are acting out of control controlling.

I'm sorry about your dad. We buried my mom two days before Thanksgiving last year. I get what you are saying.

I always had Christmas Eve at our house. We didn't live near any family so our friends became our family. It was a wonderful tradition. Then, my husband got transferred and we moved back to Texas where all the family lives. I started planning our traditional Christmas Eve and I was told that SIL does a party on that night and its tradition. I said "us too". Long story short, we stopped and went to hers. I missed our tradition but things change.

Life changes. You need to roll with the flow. You need to realize that you are making "new" traditions with your husband and children.

I am totally with you on not making a big meal for a dine & dash. I'm a little confused about the situation though. If BIL and his GF are hosting, are they not making a meal at their place? I don't see why you'd have people over to your home at all on that day. Besides, just as you don't want to drag your kids about, the others would probably rather not have to come to both houses on the same day too.

Or is it that you're upset because you don't get to host the day for a 7th year in a row *and* you also don't want to go to BIL's, so you won't see the family at all in that case?

Expecting people to always come to you because you don't want to travel would be unreasonable. What you experienced as a child sounds lovely, and it is nice that you were able to do it for the past six years, but it sounds like you're going to need to be flexible and allow other members to have a turn too. This is normal when families expand into branches. Your household is but one branch on the tree and taking turns hosting is typical in extended families.

It doesn't mean you have to attend when it isn't your turn, but if you make that choice then don't be cranky about not getting to see the family that year. You have to choose which one of the two things is your priority.

I certainly understand not wanting to travel on Christmas Eve or Day. We started staying home when our kids were little too. We go to sleep at home and usually spend the next day together, just the four of us. We have gone to visit people who were nearby, but we don't travel long distances.

We normally celebrate with family on another day, usually a Saturday during December or January. Since all of their grandparents are divorced we have 4 family sides, it usually amounts to 2 or 3 Christmas gatherings every year. The kids sure don't mind more than one celebration! We do not see all sides every year. When I was a kid and holidays were split between my divorced parents, a degree of clock-watching was required, so the sides made sure to work together so that there was not conflict.

So as for "How do you handle the stress of the holidays?" I do it by not making things more complicated than they need to be.

This year, my brother's fiancee wanted to host Thanksgiving for the first time, in their new home. Every year in the past, either I hosted or my mother did for this side of the family. Now it is someone else's turn. Although I like hosting and cooking, I look at is as no work for me this year! :-)

From the outside, your situation is very simple to me:

BIL & GF are hosting. You don't make a meal or have people over. You get to choose whether to attend and enjoy seeing people, or to not attend and enjoy spending the day with just your household. That's it. Drama free.

I completely understand how much work it is to prepare for a party. To have everyone leave to go to another party really does make it seem like it wasn't worth the work. Personally, I would purchase pre made Lasagne from Costco for the main course. Buy ready made salad and bread. Additionally, I would buy ready made desserts from Costco. (They have great desserts around the holidays.). You could also buy a hoagie tray and chips etc. If you prepare a simple lunch perhaps you won't feel as resentful for doing all that work only to have everyone eat and run.

You could also just go to the girlfriends house and not lift a finger.😊

I hear something else... it's YOUR holiday traditions you miss. I get it, I come from a large Italian family. You are missing that, I miss it too. You would think over time it would get better but I had some tears this afternoon working on our Thanksgiving menu for four instead of 24. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I understand...

Sigh.
Holiday stress comes in two varieties.

First is the stuff you put yourself through - you are in total control of this - simply "stop" doing what ever does not bring you joy - and I don't care if it is a long standing tradition.
If it no longer makes you happy then it's served it purpose and it's time for it to go.

Second is the stuff imposed in you by others - generally this is stuff coming from extended family (any relative that's not your husband/wife/kids, etc).
This covers the 'I'm always hosting and I'm sick of it", the "we're never in our own home and I'm tired of dragging the kids to no less that 2 or more places", and a host of other common complaints.

I think you're suffering from the second variety.
You were all set to do things as you usually do - and now someone's thrown a monkey wrench into your plans.
Upsetting, I know.
BUT this COULD be a HUGE opportunity - if you can bring yourself to look at it the right way.

Take this opportunity to redefine your holiday.
You DON'T HAVE to 'bust your behind' or budget preparing a huge spread for 'chew and screw by 2'.
Heck, if only 2 hrs is what you can expect - cut the spread back by at least %75 - put out cheese and crackers, chips and dip, and a few Christmas cookies and be done with it.
Sit back, relax - let the other place worry about feeding the crowd - you just do appetizers - and maybe have some warm cider (easy in a crock pot) for a beverage.

Just learn to relax - and if ANYONE complains - just smile, say you had no choice in how things were altered.

Well, it seems fair for your someone else in the family to want to have it at their house some years. Personally I would do whatever food and decorations make you and your own kids happy. Do it for yourself and not for all the in-laws who will visit. Some years they may come for the whole time. Some years they may come for part of the day. Some years they may travel elsewhere. I would not expect everyone to come to my house every single Christmas eve because some years plans will naturally change. I'm sorry the holidays are hard for you but you sound super inflexible concerning other people's wishes. Change is hard sometimes. I also struggle with it. Make a list of what really stresses you out about preparing for the big Eve party and then see what you can change in order to give yourself less stress and make things easier.

Throw out the calendar.
I had my kid, stepkids who had to be fetched form their mother in another state, as well as parents, a sibling, in-laws, nieces and nephews.
Having quality time with everyone all in one day was impossible.
So instead of insisting that all celebrating must be done on the day the calendar marks as the official Day with a capital D, we spread it out over a week.
One day, everyone came to our house and we gave out the presents we had for everyone.
The next day, everyone went to my parents' house and they gave out the presents they had for everyone.
The next day, everyone went to my mother in law's house and she gave out the presents she had for everyone.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Instead of a big meal, we just kept food simple and abundant - cold cut trays, fruit, etc.
The kids loved it because they got to open presents over several days and actually had time to play with all their cool new toys instead of spending most of the day in the car and being too tired and cranky to have any fun.

So this is about Christmas Eve?

So what do you do on Christmas Day? Is that for you guys? Because I believe in doing what is right for your own family. I do not like being told we have to do things a certain way (trust me, it's my MIL in our case) or else. Do what works for you, and invite others to join you. If they want to leave at a certain point, that is their prerogative.

If you have the food purchased choose a different day. Let her have Christmas Eve and you plan get together for New Year's or the Saturday in between.

I know it's difficult. My birthday is December 24 or Christmas Eve, my kids always knew where they were spending Christmas Eve -- then my daughter got married and her ex-husband's family tried to dictate where they would spend Christmas Eve. I compromised and held my birthday celebration at a time (lunch or dinner) to fit their schedule.
I worked in retail and my daughter worked at an IHOP by the mall. She would have to work all day Thanksgiving then be back to open on Black Friday at midnight so the shoppers could have breakfast before shopping. We just started planning Thanksgiving dinner for Saturday. It turns out the day and time don't matter as much as getting together and enjoying the day.
ETA:
The holidays are difficult for me also 29 yrs ago I lost my daughter's dad on November 14, an aunt passed between Thanksgiving and Christmas and my mom passed 4 years ago on December 19... add the stress of the holidays and I just want to find an island to live on.

I completely understand how you feel. Do you think you could find a way to compromise? Especially since
it sounds like hubby wants to do this. Rack your brain & see if there might be a way to pull it off so
your do both and just plan on not staying long at your brother-in-law's girlfriend's house. Don't make a big
deal of it w/your hubby just tell him you'll take 2 cars so he can stay as long as he wants yet you can get
the kids home at a decent time for bed. Wishing you the best of both worlds so you can do it all, be happy
and keep the peace. Enjoy ALL of the traditions. Hang in there and do your best to make it work for you as
well as the family. :)

vent all you want, this site is sometimes hostile and when they don't agree with you watch out, the rudness comes to the surface!
that said i would be peeved if a girlfriend took over my day that i have holiday gatherings.she should of checked with you before stealing your party day. can you invite the folks over for christmas day instead? or the weekend before or after christmas or even do a big spread for new years?
(we always have 4 parties to attend with family during the holidays one is christmas eve, one is christmas day, one is the saturday after and the other is the sunday after. i try to keep it planned this way so we see everyone that we can for the holidays.)

Have a "progressive dinner". Appetizers, drink spread at your place, and then they move on to next place for main course and dessert. You can stay at your home and cook smaller main dishes for your immediate family. Its called a compromise. They will miss out on your macaroni and gravy and turkey/ham. Whatever it is you make on this day. Their loss.
Do you have friends or neighbors that would come and eat with you? Maybe host a soldier or exchange student or something? Then you can still cook the big dinner for people that like it and appreciate it.

In my family, boyfriends/girlfriends/fiancés/fiancées do not get to host. That's reserved for family.

Is your husband going to plan, shop, clean and cook? If not, then NO, you don't have to do this. Either have a quiet day and go to the girlfriend's later, or don't go to the girlfriend's and stay home. Your husband doesn't get to make you be a "drive-by" house.
Nope, not wrong here...
Just saw your SWH - the ladies are right that this is a site where people give opinions. Even if they aren't opinions you necessarily like. And yes, plenty of people vent, but you still have to understand that you'll get opinions...

So basically you believe that your hubby's family should spend the day with you to the exclusion of visiting with other loved ones? Wow. You probably want both Thanksgiving and Christmas at your house, too, right? Yes, you are wrong. You are monopolizing the holidays by expecting them to doit your way or not at all.

My frank answer is yes, this holiday set up sounds all one sided.

It sounds like you are struggling with the fact that you miss your family. It is totally understandable if that is the case.

So you have had 6 years of spending the holidays in your home and it is only reasonable that you let go and allow someone else the opportunity to put their spin on things.

My father passed on Christmas Eve, so I can see how you want to do nothing more than bring back the comforting traditions. If you can, remove the words "Holiday Stress", "Chew and Screw by 2", "Argument", "Damn Holidays", etc. Those words are negative and will stress you out just as much as everyone else. Remember, you want your kids to have good memories for the holidays and not how the holidays made mom upset.

Ask your husband for help so you can have everything done early and pick a family movie for you to watch with the family. We always bring in Christmas with the Polar Express. We are tired of the movie, but dinner is just not right without the movie running in the background. Hopefully, hubby is of help in the kitchen, my husband could care less about helping out.

Best wishes.

Hi, Some people have no tact online. They are blunt and to the point. Don't take it personally. It's more of a reflection of them. I'm a NYer and I'm used to people being blunt. It's not personal.

As far as your question, I would work to keep the peace (Ephesians 4:25-32 - especially verse 31 for you) within the family and resist hating/resenting the family for choosing to do something different you aren't accustomed to.

I'm very sorry that this season is hard on you because of the loss of your dad and missing your family.

I would make a lighter spread (don't overwork yourself if they want to rush out the door) and enjoy the lighter workload and the time and then head over to the next house with a great attitude. The bitterness is not going to do you any good.

There is a church in my area and they have an annual holiday dinner where various families host (3? 4?) some spread and they all go from house to house for fellowship and food. Apparently it's a lot of fun and they love this tradition. I don't know how short the visit is - an hour each house? Anyway people have a blast getting to know each other.

I would imagine the church folk have some sort of loud bell to let everyone know it's time to move to the next house. Maybe you could do the same to avoid the awkward clock watching and people can just relax.

Well, I don't know but what about the idea that you are In the family and the girlfriend is Not. I think if it 's this big of a deal for you (which I can see why it could be) that you should just have it later and let the girlfriend have it early. Why does she insist on doing it in the first place? Egos get in the way of so many things that should just be simply what is in the best interest for everyone.

I would do it your way and set the time as usual or not at all (in this case). But that's just my opinion. I know everyone should get along and it often means letting go of things. But you've always had it this way and your children are growing in this tradition which is beautiful for them.

More than anything, let us always remember what we are celebrating and why and what it means.

Good Luck to ya. Hope it works out. Have Good thoughts.