How Do You Get over the Feeling

The reason you don't believe him is
A: because he's lying and
B: no one does stuff like that, even for a friend.

In my experience, time, tears and keeping busy has gotten me over the pain of breaking up from a long term relationship. Call you friends a lot, talk to them and let them comfort you.

Above all--do not go back to this man. You can do better.

You might also consider some therapy.

Good luck, be strong, you can do it!

Dear W.,

It will take some time to get over 14 years with a guy who was never really committed. He has taken advantage of your youth, but you are not 19 anymore. Thank your lucky stars that you won't have to get a divorce since he never took the time to marry you.

Go to an attorney and/or legal aid and get child support in place as soon as possible....like Monday! Have the payments made through the DAs office so if he stops paying they can deal with him.

Distance yourself with him as much as possible, with the exception of him visiting the children....(if he's a good father). If he's not and still wants visitation rights, get a court order in place for supervised visitation only and don't you be the one that supervises.

Hopefully you have a job and the means to support yourself. The other mama's are right, move on and don't let anyone hold you hostage or tell you lies.

I hope you have a good support system in your family and close friends. Your probably very hurt and angry...that's normal...he's not.

Take care of yourself and your kids....let us know how your doing.

Blessings....

You don't know what to believe? Come on, now--- this man is a dog, and he has lied to you many times about many things, hasn't he? He thinks so little of you that he gave you an excuse that a child wouldn't fall for. Life is full of hurts. You will get over the feeling, once you are rid of him. Tell him the feeling is gone, and act like it is, even if it isn't. Don't sit around listening to sad songs and being miserable.

You know, Richard Pryor had this routine, where he says he was out with another woman, and his wife saw them, and when he got home she was waiting for him, and she was mad as a hornet, so he told her "that woman was my cousin, baby, my long-lost cousin," but she wouldn't believe him, and finally he got mad and hollered, "Who you gonna believe? Me or your g-dd-mn eyes?!" So, that's my question to you. Who you gonna believe? Him or your g-dd-mn eyes?

Some men think it's "manly" to have a bunch of women, and to have children here there and everywhere, and to keep them all in the dark about who's who, and what's what. Don't let your children grow up with this nonsense. Teach them that a real man is someone who takes responsibility for his family, and cherishes and cares for them. And when you are ready to choose another man, choose a grown man, not a baby-man.

You kick his a*s right out the front door now, and go down to the DA's office and get your child support set up. If he and the kids want visits, fine, but don't you get involved in them. Don't let him keep talking to you, and trying to use the kids as a way to get back with you. When your kids grow up they will understand why you had to do what you did.

Dear Wedny,
I'm sorry you're going through this.
The same thing happened to me with my daughter's father after we had been together for 8 years. He lived away during the week due to the nature of his business and I found out he was living with another woman. AND his parents knew all about it but said nothing to me. I felt so betrayed on many fronts. I thought surely she must be really pretty and really smart for him to want to leave me and our beautiful 2 year old baby, and for his parents to approve of her. Boy, was I wrong. Shortly after I found out about her, she was in the newspaper for being arrested for stealing a state vehicle and being in possession of a stolen, unregistered firearm. That was just her most recent offense in a long criminal history. I'd never so much as had a speeding ticket and I figured if he preferred someone like her, let him have her! It was upsetting none the less, but I got through it.
One thing I do know....
Because you weren't married to him, you need to file papers to establish custody of your children. It doesn't matter if his name is on the birth certificates. What I was told was that in the eyes of the court, technically NO ONE had custody of the children and unmarried moms don't automatically have custody. So, I would contact your nearest legal aid office or the self-help center at the courthouse. They can tell you which papers to file. When I filed, it triggered the child support aspect of things and my ex said he would refuse to pay and just say that our baby wasn't his. That's the oldest trick in the book so they told him they would do blood tests and when they showed she was his, not only would he be paying support, but he would pay for the tests as well. He backed down.
Whether you go back to him or not, custody has to be established if you haven't done that already. I hate to see any family break up, so whatever you do is your choice. But, I think you will find you are a lot stronger than you thought you were and you're only 33... You deserve happiness. You have a son and a daughter who also deserve to have a happy mom.

Take care and best of wishes.

You have gotten a lot of great advice and support and I just want to send you some well wishes and to encourage you to be strong for your children. Re-read what David S. and Toni V. wrote as the legal ramifications of this are huge. As a mother you are already one tough lady so stand firm, be true to yourself, and you will overcome what this man did to you. And to drum in this point....get tested for STD's ASAP. Your children deserve a healthy mom. Also, don't be afraid to seek counseling so you have someone unbiased to talk to through this.

Good luck and many blessings for a wonderful future!

I am so sorry for you but you are doing the right thing. If he has done this before that is probably just the way he is and you are better off without him. Only time will help you. Be strong and live for your kids. They need you, too. Good luck!

K.

Hello W.,

Believe what your gut told you from the second you saw those pictures...that he is not being honest or respectful (and that's putting in nicely). Do not tolerate any of this. A good thing to ask yourself is, "Would I approve of someone doing this to my son/daughter?". If you wouldn't put up with it for them, why would you tolerate it for yourself? You deserve more for yourself and you also need to be a good role model for your children (not being a door mat).

Yes, it will hurt. You have been betrayed. I'm sorry for your pain, and I'm sure it's very deep. Take a bit of time to honor what it was and know that it is not that anymore. Mourn the loss (it is a loss even if you're mad at him for cheating). Focus on yourself and your children. Take some time--a long time--to really get to know yourself. If you can afford to, go get some counseling so you can maybe see why you were in a relationship like this in the first place (or how it started right and ended bad). You will learn about yourself and will come out stronger (trust me on this one). You'll also attract a more respectful man in the future...one who deserves your love and all you have to give.

Believe in your strength!
R.

Hi W.,

Continue to be strong. It sounds like you are making the right decision for yourself and your children.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. Get yourself strong and confident, and continue on with your life with your children.

Don't listen to his "reasons", he sounds like he's a smooth talker.........it's time to NOT believe him in order to be strong.

Oh Men!!!!!

I'll be thinking of you....

~N. :o)

If you aren't sure something is going on, you might want to verify it so your children don't end up in a broken home needlessly.

If he is cheating and refuses to marry you, then move on - it takes time to heal. When you feel sad engage in a new activity like walking, or making something. I always try to cry in the shower so my kids don't know because it really upsets them.

You must be going through a really tough time. My heart is with you. It is going to take a lot of courage to gain your power to focus on self love, self care, and meeting your own and your beautiful children's needs. It is very hard, but just try to focus on what you can do to empower yourself and not on what happened. What happened is not your problem or responsiblity. I have read and experienced that when we appreciate the positive things we already have that we created and others brought in our life, then we get more things to appreciate and be thankful for. Try to replace every negative thought with a positive one. We all have reasons for the way we are and the way we behave that we may not even be aware of.

This is the time to gain control and not get consumed by the feelings of rejection, hatred, betrayal, blame, regret, guilt, or any other such negative feelings. There are lots of self help books that have helped me overcome my hurt feelings and gain emotional control. Some book tittle are - facing love addiction, addiction to love, emotional dependency, the dance of connection. Other books that help in realizing our needs and how to meet them are - The Secret Laws of Attraction by Talane Miedner;
How one of you can bring the two of you together, If we are so in love, then why aren't we happy by Susan Page; and Forgive for Love.

If I have made any sense, feel free to write me. I will be happy to help.
-Rachna

Go with the little voice that tells you that what he has done/been doing is suspect at best. As hard as it is to swallow, only time will help you get over the grief of a break-up. In the mean time, safeguard your psychological and financial self; prepare yourself to be the independent head of your family. Your kids will be relying on you to be strong as well.

So sorry you have to deal with this.

GL

You say you broke up with him , AND you dont know what to believe. If you broke up with him, it's over with. If he still has a chance to be with you, insist that ANYtime his friend and this girl are together it is with you. On your turf and never let your husband make any excuse to be alone with just her.

I personally wouldn't put myself through this. I would walk away. The fastest way to get over it is to start seeing someone new. Is your husbands friend single and cute?

It's time to get over it. I'm going to be blunt - he is lying. You said this isn't the first time you've seen him in pictures with other girls. You are in denial - you want to believe him, but I know that deep down you know the truth. This is the best thing for you. Why would you want to stay with someone who cheats on you? I'm speaking from experience - move on. It will be better for you in the long run. Yes, it will take a long time to get over it and start feeling better about yourself, but once you get there you'll feel so much better and wonder why you wasted so much time with him and why it took you so long to leave! I promise, you will! I did. I think I speak for a lot of us who have been through the same thing. Focus on you right now. Stay busy - it shouldn't be hard to with your two kids!
:) Spend time with friends and family - you will get through this and you will be better off for it!

Good luck!

Honey men are stupid. They only think between their legs. That's why they can't master the art of cheating without getting caught.

He doesn't deserve you and your family. Don't hold back with people like that. If they are going to do that and be like that. It is their lost. Not yours.

You are only 33 yrs old. You are awesome and spectular. Live on.

The only thing you did wrong was waste your time with dust like him.

Take care of you and your family. Never mind him. If he is the father of the children. Let him be. They will know the truth as they get older.

Continue to be the wonderful person that you are. Adults grow out of love from one another. We stay in love with our children. Never forget that.

Take care!!!

Sweetie, believe your gut feeling and get through this. You can do it. There is no reason or excuse for a grown person to pretend to be someone's boyfriend. 14 years is a long time, I'm so sorry. Get support from your friends and take care of yourself.

C.

Greetings W.: As an advocate I have seen so much of this and i am sorry that you are experianceing this. I have seen men/womwn cheat on paartners just by playing dungeon and dragons all the time, or staying at work instead of being with the family as wellas with another person. When a person has been betrayed and the trust you have is gone it is very hard to put things back together. It will never be the same and has to be worked on so that the resentment , insecurity and fear because he is late or not where he said he'd be doen't creep in. Esp. if the other person involved is not going to be "repentant & sorry but can only justify and give excuses". To really be sorry one has to do all they can to show and prove it to you. This takes time and effort. GET CHECKED for any sexual dieases that he may have brought home to you!!
I don't know what state you live in but many states do not leagalize common law marriages anymore. So no matter how many years you are living together it is not marriage. California is one of these.
You should consider what your state has to say and protect your childrens rights. It will make the difference for them in many ways: social security benifits, child support, and medical benifts for all of you.
Recently I know of a case where the man denied being the father and she had to pay to have dna tests done before she could recieve any benifits.
One time is a mistake and you can learn to forgive but more than once to be cheated on you have to learn to say you deserve better than that and just how long will it be before he does it again (it becomes his new hobby). As a child advocate I have always been amazed how a man can steal from his family funds to pay for the pleasures he seeks elsewhere. So remember you are financing his cheating and that hurts you and the children more.
In time and as you find other things to enrich your life maybe school, special training or whatever you will feel beter about yourself and not feel as hurt and betrayed as you do now. It will take time and even changing your phone numbers a few times so he can't call- you can have a third party be the go between for the children. be sure to change the locks or just move if possoble out of the house with memories to a new place that you can build better memories and it is all yours and the children. I wish you well and hope that you take the best care of yourself. It hurts and the pain will be there until you can let it go and heal. NANA G
ps. please don't just run off and find another guy just to show him! that pain is just as bad as the one youa re dealing with now and it is not fair to the other guy. I have seen really sad things happen from women who do this. Wait til you have healed and are healthy to put together a new friendship and maybe a relationship. Set the example for the children to see you are better than the father. They must be hurting as well and need you to show them it is ok to hurt and to heal and forgive --" as i have been told the only one this is hurting is me he sure doesn't care except to rub it in" so the forgiveness part is for you so you let it go and forget him and move on. GLS

Read what Toni V. wrote, over and over, until you have it memorized. Then, follow it to the letter. The legal part is very important, and do not waver on that. Even though you may think you don't want or need child support, it is due your children. My ex told a Judge "I made a deal with their mother to not pay child support." The Judge told him: "That is not hers to negotiate. That belongs to the children. You will pay support." Also, being active is important. "Isolation is where negatives develop." It will take time-- it is a form of grieving. And, if after being apart a while he says he can't live without you, ask him why he is still alive.

In time you will heal, and you and your children can share a better life. Be close to your children. If they were close to Daddy, let them grieve, too, and if he is good Daddy, let that relationship continue. However, if he hurt their mother, he could hurt them too -- my ex did. He deserted his daughter just to get back at me. "Liars never win and winners never lie." ENUF. My prayers are with you and your children.

I wouldn't believe him. It's the sillies excuse from a grown man I have ever heard. Stick to your guns and know that you did the right thing. You are now free to find a wonderful man who cherishes you and makes you happy. Spending time with friends and break up songs( anything by Alannis Morissete) are what get me through a break up. Hang in there. You won't hurt forever. I promise. :)