How Do I Survive a Divorce?

Get some counseling so you have the tools you need to get through this.
You've been married for 8 years and you feel that his drinking (for 10 years) is somehow your fault?
I'm sorry but you didn't wrench open his mouth, force a funnel into it and pour the booze down his throat.
His drinking is all on him - so don't even attempt to carry that monkey on your back.
His family tells him it's normal so he'll go along with being an alcoholic maybe forever.
Even after the divorce you will be co-parenting your children with him so it's worth it for you (and eventually your kids too) to attend Al-Anon meetings which is for friends and families of alcoholics.
If you end up with shared custody - with his drinking habits I'm not sure if you can ask the court for your husband not to be allowed to drive your kids anywhere - so talk to your lawyer about that.

B's advice is very good.

That's really sad. Sorry you're going through this.

You're not the cause of his drinking. Nor is his family. Sometimes there is a predisposition in families towards alcoholism but that doesn't mean everyone will be an alcoholic. Definitely not. Your husband needs help. That's not on you - that's on him. You can support him in helping himself.

I would find support for yourself - friends, family, a counsellor if you would find that helpful (even a couple of sessions can be really worthwhile) will all be valuable resources for you.

He sounds like a very mixed up troubled kind of guy. You don't get married and cheat 2 months later - nothing was missing, he doesn't value your relationship or have self respect, and unfortunately that comes out as not respecting you.

I think you know you'll be happier in the long run without him and think of it this way - you'll have room in your life eventually for good things (positive things) to come your way. It will just take a while and be hard, but you can do this. You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve better too.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

First of all, the drinking is NOT your fault. That is HIS problem and there are other ways to manage stress. He's been drinking for 10 years and you've been married for 8, so the problem existed before you married him. The only way he will ever overcome it for him to take responsibility for it and get help.

Second, his unfaithfulness is not your fault either (and may be related to the drinking). It is understandable that you have a hard time trusting him, since he betrayed your trust so early in the marriage.

Finally, you WILL survive this divorce. I know it is hard and painful, but think about your children - you want them to see you in a healthy, loving relationship where both partners trust and respect each other. How will you survive? Get help - go to therapy, find a support group, talk to friends that have been through it, plan some time for yourself, know that it's ok to cry, it's ok to be mad, and none of this is your fault.

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.

As the others have said, step one is counseling for you. You didn't cause your husband to be unfaithful, and you certainly didn't cause his drinking. You need to really believe those two things to be in the right frame of mind to get through this process. Please call someone and make an appointment today.

It sounds like the two of you haven't done any marriage counseling, even after he was unfaithful? After you start counseling for yourself, you might be able to see if there is anything worth trying to salvage in your marriage or if splitting up is really the healthiest choice for all of you. A counselor can help you to determine that - it sounds like divorce may be the best option but you want to be sure before you go through with it. If you haven't reconciled yourself to the fact that it's the best choice, you may end up beating yourself up with thoughts of "if only he went to AA, then we could still be together" or "if only we did marriage counseling" or other "if only" thoughts. If you're prone to that thinking, then go ahead and throw those options out there. If he still refuses to do any work on himself or your marriage, there's your answer. But you can rest a little easier knowing that you tried everything. Again, if you know in your heart that there is no love and nothing to salvage, then move ahead freely...I just know that I'm an "if only" thinker and had to exhaust all options before being comfortable with divorce. And I waited way too long and put way too much energy into that, so don't be like me :-)

While you're working with a counselor on your emotional needs, you'll have to deal with the practical side of things. Get referrals to three attorneys and set up consultations with each of them (which should be free or at very little cost to you). Hear what they have to say, take good notes, and decide if one of them sounds like the right person to work through the legal side of things. Meeting with an attorney doesn't mean you have to file tomorrow, but it can give you a good sense of what your financial and child situation will be given your circumstances and state laws. You'll have a lot to sort out in terms of financial support, child custody and visitation, division of property, etc. If you're in a strong frame of mind and he is being reasonable, you can consider mediation, which saves a lot of money. If you know he's going to take advantage of you, though, plan on litigation.

Know that lots and lots of families go through this and come out all right in the end. You will too. Take care of yourself and your children. Keeping things as stable as possible for them depends on you taking good enough care of yourself to be strong and healthy through this. Rely on your family and friends for support, and get into counseling ASAP so that you can push past your self-blame. Go straighten your crown and hold your head high. You've got this!

First of all you need to sit down with someone you can talk to, to help you figure out what you want to do now. I suggest counseling, for a short while, to help you cope and find your strength.

He cheated and hurt you deeply. But you've had 8 years to get over it yet you haven't. So you didn't really forgive him, you just allowed him in with a lot of restrictions on your inner feelings for him.

I'm sure he's felt like he was smothered and that you've been very insecure, he cheated, so it's normal you felt that way for some time. However you've not said if he handed his phone over to you or if you could pick it up and check out who he'd been talking to and getting messages from. If he was allowing you access then it's very unlikely he was cheating again or doing anything unfaithful.

These are things you need to heal inside yourself now. He's going away as your partner and you will be able to move forward and you want yourself to be whole and full of love and life again. A few counseling sessions could really help you come to terms with it all and give you some skills to move forward.