How Do You Do It All with a Smile? :)

I have accepted over time that the things I ignore to do things like type on this computer I wouldn't do if the computer didn't exist. In other words this is my life and I am not going to feel guilty just because it doesn't look like it was torn out of a book or movie. :)

Oh Geez. My husband can attest to the fact that I am a grump! Good luck-I want to see what others say.

I love Riley's response. So 1950s. And by watching Mad Men, we know many men had time to relax at work as well.

As a full-time working mother, the 1950s answer doesn't work so much because I run from work and come home to immediate duties. I don't stop until my daughter is asleep. Then I collapse. I usually come online after I have slept awhile and then wake up. It's a pleasant way to converse on a variety of topics for indulgence, greet my husband when he comes home from work, and then go back to sleep.

I'M GOING TO ANSWER YOUR PRETEND QUESTION:

As per the decades old "How to be a good wife" guide my mum gave me:

1) Rest for at least 1-2 hours prior to "getting ready for husband coming home from work"!!!

2) 1 hour before Husband comes home, get dinner going.

3) Change clothes/shower and do your makeup about 30 min before he's due home from work

4) Be sure to "look busy" when he gets home from work (aka have the vaccum put away, they specifically said to wear a housedress over your nice clothes after showering, so you don't mess yourself up and REMEMBER: take off the housedress! Don't want to forget! That just looks messy.... but be straighening up, or finishing up dinner).

Here's a synopsis of the "whys" for these things

First off, the book for young mothers/ young wives is assuming that you're already a mom... and as such have 14-18 hour days. They specifically want you to PLAN YOUR BREAKS. THEY ARE ASSUMING THAT YOU TAKE A BREAK. 1 in the morning to socialize and 1 in the afternoon for YOURSELF (to read, follow your pursuits, take a nap, etc.). They don't care when your "human contact" break is, but they want your "me time" to be just before husband comes home... because you won't get another one for 4 hours or more. You'll be serving dinner, wrangling the kids, spending time with your husband, doing bedtimes, etc... and will not have a minute to yourself. And if you have young children...it recommends that you eat during your break before he comes home, because dinner will often be spent without taking more than a few bites because you're wrangling the kids!

Wow. Go figure. People used to assume women were people and needed breaks!!! And knew that young children aren't born with table manners!

The "look busy" part is very well explained (and actually holds true with modern psych studies) that WHATEVER you're doing when someone sees you, they assume you've been doing all day. Even if they know it's not true, intellectually, if they see you sitting around... the thought is that you've been sitting around all day.

No way.... right?

Well, I tried it. You would not BELIEVE how much better *I* felt taking a 1-2 hour break, and how my husband was amaaaazed at "how much harder you're working!"

Head thwack!

(In the past, I'd be working up to the last minute, and finally collapse, or be chasing my tail when he got home. if I was finally taking a 10 MINUTE break, I would get grilled on "What did you do today???", and if I was all helter skelter (hadn't even taken a 10 minute break!) then it was the "she can't even handle THIS???" sort of thing.

Now, granted, my husband is/was a jerk. But when I shared my experiment with my mum she just laughed at me, and said "Why did you think I gave you that book?!?

Ummm.... I thought it was a joke?

Nope. Some amazingly solid advise there. Mostly about how not to overextend yourself, since most people aren't used to 14-18 hour days (which is what a mother with young children is working), quite a lot on how important it is to pursue your own interests and not get lost in childcare and house care, and "tricks of the trade" for keeping a husband who doesn't understand 14-18 hour days happy.

Like you, I've worked 2-4 full time jobs most of my marriage (mom, student, part time work, etc.). But if I "blocked" 2 hours before my husband came home... *I* was happier, and he somehow "got" my long days better. Even though I was taking MORE time for myself than i had in years.

Always possible? Nope. But it was amazing the difference in my life when it was!!!

I used to feel similarly - and just knew that something was amiss. I researched "mindfulness" early one morning and after watching some interesting you-tube lecture videos, I came across a particularly interesting lecture by a man who wrote an organization book. He pretty much explained that our minds weren't meant to hold onto all that random data - things to remember, etc. He also explained that you can be the busiest person in the world and as long as you have a good organization system, you won't be stressed out.

Anyhow, it's true - I see the biggest difference between my husband and I. We are both "free-spirit" non-planners, but since reading this book, I have found effective ways to record everything that is on my mind - so I can free up my brain to feel joy. My husband, on the other hand, is still pretty unorganized and always walks around saying, "I never have enough time!"

A couple of the author's main points are that feeling like you don't have any time is a major symptom of an ineffective organizational system - and that to-do lists and calendars alone and used in the traditional sense are ineffective.

I haven't finished the book, but just those couple of insights have proved effective - google him and see if you can listen to a lecture or two. His book is called: Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity
David Allen

Anyhow, these few changes in my thinking and doing have really helped me to reclaim the joy in my life.

No one is Super Woman.

Have you ever ASKED your Husband, if he even "expects" you to do all this and feel this way???
Ask him.

My Husband, works full time and was going to school for the past several years. He is BUSY. 24/7, night and day.
He... STILL HELPED with the kids. And spent time with them. He is a Dad after all and lives in the house. It is a FAMILY not a Hotel. Thus, a Husband, even if you are a SAHM and he works hard... HE IS A PART of the family too. And is responsible for doing things, for the family/wife/kids/household. Too.
That is being a grown up.
No one, is exempt, from kid stuff or household duties, just because one Spouse stays home and the other works.
YOU also go to school and run a preschool out of your home.
So, where is the balance?
I say... HUSBAND has to partake in the DAILY running of the house too and with the kids... and taking care... of helping you too.
SO ASK HIM TO HELP. If you don't, then well the vicious cycle will continue.

And no, you do not have to be a perfect Stepford Wife.
That is self-imposed.

We are all human.
And we get stressed or what not.
If you continually submerge yourself and your stress just to be an iconic "Wife"... it will not make you better. Just worse.

Bless your heart! It's so hard to be a working mom. Actually, I figured you were a stay-at-home mom with how you were talking at first, all the things you feel responsible for and letting your husband relax in the evenings because he's worked his hard day... then I got to the part where you say you're doing your Masters Degree full-time, running a 4 hour a day pre-school out of your home, AND bartending on the weekends... UM, HELLO! You work as much as he does! If he is willing to help more, let him.

My husband and I both work full time. He gets more tired on his job, interacts with people all day in a hospital setting and rarely sits down. I sit a lot at my job and have plenty of time for friendly chats with coworkers, etc. I'm doing this right now at my desk. I am not so worn out when I get home, so I cut him the slack most of the time and let him watch TV with his feet up while I tidy and cook and do the bedtime routine. He makes up for it on the weekends. Perhaps your husband's job is not so exhausting as you think it is? What is he doing 11-12 hours a day? Is it stressful? Physically demanding? Maybe he loves his job, co workers, has time to enjoy lunch with other adults, surf the net when he wants etc. He may be re-energizing and enjoying adult time all day at work and feeling fairly good at the end of the day. Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves their relaxation time after work, but seriously, you work as much and you are carrying too much of the evening and early morning load.

Oh, and luckily, none of us can "fail" at life... you have a home, your kids are fed, clothed, and in school, you are keeping everyone healthy and safe... sounds like you are passing to me! With flying colors. All that other stuff, the tidy house, the dentist appointments... extras. We working moms are lucky to get it in when we can. It shouldn't be stressing us out though.

I'm writing this response as much for me as I am for you, because I feel the same way you do often ("drowing in life" was a good way to put it!). I also just can't muster that smile by dinnertime. And I only have one job in addition to being a mom. You're going to school, running a pre-school, and bartending. Yikes. When are you done with school? I am sure things will get a LOT better when you are through with one of those 3 obligations. That is a lot for one mom to handle, I hope you get through it soon and can consolidate your responsibilities a little bit.

You are looking to find your smile, great idea! I found myself feeling overwhelmed by work, and household chores and felt I wasnt enjoying my children enough. I demanded more from my husband, carved out time for fun with my kids, carved out a little time for relaxation for me and now am happier and I think my family is benefiting! and I work full time, and go to school for my master's and have a six yr old, one in college and a grown child who no longer lives at home but can cause more stress than a colicky baby. I hope you can find a way to bring more joy into your life!
I hear you saying you think you are doing your husband a favor by not asking much of hi around the house even though it makes you tired short and cranky to him. Research shows that men who are more involved in their household and their children's lives are happier and healthier. Read "Work Life Balance: working for men" and other studies. Are you sure you're not one of those wives who feels everything has to be done your way and doesnt want hubby to mess things up? Or wants to be more important in their children's lives then he is? He might be happier if you involve him more.
And I hear you saying that he works more than you, then go on to list how much you work, in the home, in your daycare, going to school and bartending. Sounds like you work as much as he does. Are you confusing he makes more money than you with he works harder than you? ( If you're gonna add it up Dont forget to pay yourself a house cleaners salary and childcare costs for three children, and labor for cooking, laundry etc. )
I hear you saying you are too stressed by life. Many of us are working 40 hrs a week, cleaning our own homes, cooking, taking care of children and going back to school. These are responsibilities and hard work, keep us really really busy and tired but not major life stresses. Major life stresses are divorce, death of a loved one, feeling unhappy with our lives and choices, worry over the mental and physical health of our children, spouses and parents, major life changes. Take a look at your life and find out what is really stressing you. Forget the nice dress, makeup, home baked cookies(boil water with cinnamon) just keep looking for your smile!

Umm.... so you have a more than full-time job taking care of your home and family and THEN you bartend on the weekends? I understand that you have credit card bills to pay, but Mama, that is **unreasonable**! I am not trying to say anything bad about your husband, but I don't see him taking a second job! If at all possible, clear the weekends. YOU need SOME time to recharge.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS A DAY LATER: I have been thinking a lot about your question, and I really think that we do ourselves a big disfavor by expecting to "do it all with a smile", be that ideal 1950s housewife, when THE WORLD IS SO TOTALLY DIFFERENT. If you were a 1950s housewife, you would not be running a daycare, you would not be in grad school, you would not be planning on a career that will take you out of your home, you would not be bartending, your husband would be working 40 hours a week in a job that he expected to have job security, you would have no credit card debt b/c banks did not extend credit to every living person, your mortgage would probably be smaller because it would be totally normal to live in a smaller house, you'd have much fewer "must have" expenses, such as health care costs, cell phones, cable, internet, two cars (assuming this), etc. I hope you get my point. The women in the 1950s / 60s (in these respects) had it much easier. They would feel just as overwhelmed as you do, if they had your life now. So don't get down on yourself for not being able to shoulder all that you already do with a "stepford wives smile". HUGS!

I also saw this article today, and thought it might be interesting: http://worksavelive.com/2012/01/how-we-survived-a-70000-p...

have your husband help!!!!!! You are going to school full time, running a daycare, bartending on the weekends and doing 80% of the household work and child rearing. He needs to help. You say he would help if you asked.....YOU NEED TO ASK!!! there is nothing wrong with asking him to pitch in a bit more, even if it is something as simple as folding the towels etc, it is just one less thing for you to do. and I know you are working so hard to get all of your debt paid off, and that is soooooooooo important, but how well is the debt going to get paid if you end up in the hospital with a heart attack?? come on girl, give yourself a break. and there is nothing that says you have to do it all with a smile. I am a sahm, not working because logistically there is no way at this time, but trust me, I am chomping at the bit to get back to work. anywhoo, we have 3 boys aged almost 3 and 1 year old twins. our house is small, but there is just so much to do. and I am starting to get really depressed being in the house all the time, not working, no money, etc etc etc. so I am hard pressed to get everything done every day, and let alone with a smile on my face. i talk to my husband about it. it makes me feel a little bit better. just talk to him, tell him how you are feeling. chances are he will volunteer to help. but you do need him to help some!

What?! When I read the title/question-I thought I knew the answer-wine, of course-but now I'm not so sure. Something's gotta give!

I would count school and your preschool as working full time - thus everything else should be shared 50:50. This includes planning/organizational responsibility as well as the actual 'work' of laundry, dr visits, etc. I don't see why your husband gets a pass because he is 'tired'. You should be just as tired as him from all you are doing. Your husband shouldn't be 'helping' - helping is what the cleaning lady and nanny do. He should be sharing - because it is his family and yours.

I think I see what Jo means.

What helps me to feel as if I have that "handle" on things is to work with a list--O. that's being crossed off & added to.....

Actually, I should go right now and add haircuts for myself & my son to the list.

You might still be "behind, but you'll know FOR SURE you're behind! LOL

A smile everyday? Might be unrealistic...but sometimes, the planets align and all is right with the world!

Wives in the '50s seemed to manage it. They drank! ;D

Seriously, I think we all feel overwhelmed at times. To balance it out, I try to take a minute or two to be thankful for what I do have - healthy kids, well matched partner, safe neighborhood, food in the fridge etc...and take pleasure in the small things, like clean sheets, a fireplace fire, matching socks... :D

It sounds like you're managing a lot. Maybe giving yourself more credit and kudos for all that you're accomplishing in a day, and not putting unrealistic expectations on yourself might help. Two jobs, grad school, kids and managing a household? Wow.

I'm trying really hard to just let it all go. It is what it is. The list will always be there. There will always be crumbs on the floor, no matter how many times a day you take out the vacuum. The laundry will never be done. None of it will ever be done.

It is what it is.

My husband likes to say that grown up just accept that this is life: hard drudgery work with no end. We are Sisyphus. This is life. We are all trying to keep up.

Yet, we have these amazing little creatures that are joyful (when well feed and rested). I am trying to just hang out with my kids and laugh with them.

I don't have a PT job like you, but I too rarely ask hubby to do much more than bath and story time with the kids during the week. He is gone 12+hours a day. His job is hard, draining. So I totally get where you are coming from. My hubby's nickname for me is "grumpyboots."

I try to fix one really nice dinner a week. We open some wine, we connect. I think it makes up for my grumps when he comes home sometimes.

I'm trying to just smile more. It's all about cultivating a habit. ;-)

For me, the love I have for my family is what drives me, I never minded doing most it all myself, my husband was in the Military (He's retired now) so he worked a lot of long hours but I always had dinner on the table when he got home, kept an emaculate home, this was in the 80's my friends used to call me the June Cleaver of the 80's for me that was my job mother and house wife call me old fashion but I loved it, myn kids are grown now, heres a couple tips, 1. breakfast was not burger king, we had 3 kids I made one breakfast for the whole family, there was no I want this I want that and I'm doing 3 different meals for one meal, another thing is my living rom was always emaculent because we didn't allow toys in our living room, our kids played in their bedrooms, they were allowed to have a doll or stuffed animal while watching TV by age two they had their own table in the living room withn thir books and art supplies so all's I had to do in there was dust and vacumm,my ktchen was easy to keep clean because Im always cleaned as I went so the only dishes I had to was was what we ate off, and a couple pans, Laundry was easy because our kids had their own hampers in thier closets and my husband and I had ours and I had a laundry day for our sons, one for our daughter and for us, so there wasn't a lot of time sorting laundry. My husband and I shared the bed time routine it was done as a family, when you are driven bu love for your family and you see the happiness of your family you will pull energy out of places you didn't know exsit. Now Our kids our grown 2 still are at home and we have added a grandbaby, and I still pretty much do it all, plus I run a home daycare, My son and daughter inlaw both work, my daughter works so Im still do a lot they all do their own laundry, but I do most the cooking, my husband cooks as well, he also loves to cook it all works. Sorry for going on I hope something in here helps you. J.

The short answer is - I don't always do it with a smile and I don't always do it all. Let the idea of "perfection" go and give yourself some down-time. You'll feel better and be less cranky!

Whoa! STOP!!! You need to slow down a bit mama... I am sitting with my jaw on the floor with the list you wrote about all the things you do! In my book, you are truly super mama! Good on ya for pursuing your career, working with children, raising your brood, and trying to be a martini wife. Whew, I couldn't do it...

Take a weekend off! Go away, get some wonderful spa treatment, decompress... You deserve it!

In my humble opinion you are in a "temporary" situation and just need to get through this time the best you can. Sounds like both you and your husband are very busy. I assume you are getting your Master's in order to seek a day job that you want. Once that happens, the home daycare will go away? The bartending on weekend nights will go away? And you both will have "normal" day jobs and can coparent together in the evenings. Hang in there and good luck getting through this tough time.

I haven't finished my "To-Do" list since 1985 when I was 19!! I am the queen of lists for work, home and family....things will always be carried over to the next day or week! I went through a Franklin Covey time management course a million years ago, before it was even Franklin Covey. I STILL make a list every night for the following day and prioritize with an A, B or C classification (has to be done, should be done, could be done).

Appreciate your hubby walking in the door, it is sooooo much easier to be happy!!! You don't have to be dressed up or in fancy make-up although sometimes it might be fun to put the kids to bed extra early! Share with him that you need help, getting off at six after working an 11-12 hour day is not late...that is part time :)

By extra curriculars do you mean you can't do activities for the kids or you can't have a shopping addiction? Kiddos should have activities, they don't have to be expensive (don't pick competitive figure skating or dance or travel league softball!). They were fun and relaxing for me as well.

Good luck, I think you can work with your husband to make it work!

I call it the barbie. Ever see the very end of toy story 2 when the credits are rolling and "tour Guide" barbie is saying goodbye? then she asks "are they gone? is everybody gone? Oh my cheeks are killing me...." I have a friend who does the barbie really well and when we have girlfriend time she still fakes it with us. So we call her out on it. So she can chill and vent. I think we need that part too. the vent. so in a way fake it until you make it. and vent on occasion to blow off steam.

You are doing a lot! My suggestion is to start cutting things out. I would stop with the Master's program. Why are you pursuing it? Do you want to go back into the workforce at some point? (no judgement, just asking) Have you considered homeschooling? You could set your own schedule, not having to have the kids up at 6am and on a totally different schedule from the rest of you. I don't know how old they are, but I would think you could homeschool and run your preschool if you want. Do you have to do the preschool for income? or do you just enjoy it? I would cut out the things that are not necessary, and then add things back as I felt I could manage. You only get one shot at this, then it is over. You get to pick and choose how you spend your days. Is it worth the stress and heartache to do all that you are doing? It sounds like it isn't. I wouldn't want to do all of that. I much prefer to invest in my own children and husband. I don't have enough of me to pour my life into other people on an intense daily basis. At least not at the expense of my own family.

I find that the more I have to do, the more I need to pray and ask for wisdom to weed out.

Nobody does it all with a smile, every time. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Get the hubby to do his fair share around the house, as several other mamas have pointed out. I, too, raised a family, kept a relatively clean home, went to grad school, worked a full time job and taught a class, all at the same time. It was an amazing and personally fulfilling few years for me. And I was able to do this because I sacrificed sleep, which wreaked some serious havoc on my health. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself! Sleep, exercise and eat well. The better care you take care of yourself, the better you can care for others. And just remember that nothing lasts forever. Sorry if this is redundant, but having gone through a similar situation, I just had to respond.

I definitely agree with the other mamas that say to ask your hubby for help. Mine didn't initially help at all, but now everything is mostly 50/50. We both work full time opposite each other so I know it's a bit different for us. When I was a SAHM I was so stressed out trying to be the perfect mother, wife, housekeeper. I still would rather be home with my kids, but I have to say now that we share all of the responsibilites it is much easier.

So, in your situation maybe you are home more than your husband so make it 60/40 instead of 80/20! You are definitely spreading yourself too thin. How long until you finish your masters? How much time do you need to get out of debt? If it's only months or even a year just focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Think about how rewarding that will be when you accomplish those huge tasks. If this is something that is more like 2+ years, then I strongly urge you to let something go. Dave Ramsey is all about cutting expenses and living under budget, but you can add a little bit of relaxation and entertainment to your budget. Maybe you need the weekends off from bartending to have time to unwind?

You need to soul search and prioritize otherwise that smile is going to be difficult to find. You are amazing to even tackle so much, but make sure it is worth it to do it all at once!

A., Kudos to you! You are awesome! 3 things: 1, you remind me of my mom & my aunt when I was growing up: my dad & uncle worked construction so they left for work super early each day. Both my mom & aunt would get up, put their hair in curlers, clean their houses spotlessly, start "dinner", shower, apply full-face makeup, fix their hair, and I mean really fix their hair - not a ponytail, and great my dad and uncle with a smile every afternoon. They even wore pantyhose with their skirts! 2, for me, I could write almost the same story as you; many of us could. It is tough to have that smile at the end of the day. For me, when my husband comes home, I am only thinking about him in that moment and that makes me smile. It's genuine and it's a great way for us to start the next round of craziness known as "our evening"! 3, at night, focus on what you did accomplish as all that other stuff will be waiting for you tomorrow. Schedule in some play time for yourself, too. Hope you are proud of all you do each day and who you are! Best wishes...B.

It really sounds like you don't get too much of a break.

I think it's time to enlist the kids more in helping. Have them make or help with their own breakfast, lunch, & dinner. Have them help with laundry (sorting, putting in washer, putting in dryer, folding). They can held wash dishes (either by hand or by loading/unloading the dishwasher).

Don't be afraid to ask hubby for help. He is your partner, and yes he is working 11-12 hours days 5 days per week, but it sounds you are working 14 to 16 hours days at least 6 days per week....

Give yourself permission to do something nice for yourself once per week. That might be skipping the dishes or laundry and instead taking a bath for 20 or 30 minutes; or reading a book. Take a walk with the kids, or go outside with them for 20 or 30 minutes and play soccer or toss a ball or play freeze tag or take a nature walk or whatever. Exercise can really help, and making a habit of it can really help your health and mental outlook.