How Do You Celebrate Holidays with (Somewhat Hostile) Adult Step-children?

I left my husband three years ago. He has been dating another woman for two years now. My kids are basically adults (18, 21, 24) but they are still really uncomfortable with her. Even though she's perfectly nice, and I've said as much (!) they just don't get it yet. They don't hate her or blame her, it's just weird for them.
I wouldn't try to "blend" anything until they are ready. During Thanksgiving and Christmas my kids see me and my family one day and they spend time with their dad and girlfriend and his family, on a different day.
Even adult children need time to process divorce. Don't take it so personally, it's really more about them and their father and mother, it's really not about you at all (even if they use you as an excuse.)

Not your circus not your monkeys. Your hubby is the ringmaster for this one when it comes to his adult daughters. You two should bounce a few ideas around but he should be the one talking with his daughters to decide what to do.

I'm a stepmother and I understand the blame game. But these stepchildren are adults, and at some point, they should be able to figure out that no third party breaks up a good marriage. Ever. If they can't do that, their chances for a good relationship themselves are pretty slim. Fearing a third party is just saying you don't trust your own spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend and therefore that you don't trust your own ability to choose a worthy person. So hopefully they will get past this.

This is still new to them in many ways. Some may be mad at dad for leaving and finding someone else "so soon" (I know it's not soon in your mind, but for those who never saw any option but "Mom and Dad," it may be.) Some, though adults, have problems envisioning sex between their father and anyone else, especially one who is "not Mom." Some may be less hostile than you think, but just feeling awkward.

The main thing is not to give the impression that you are forcing new traditions on them. Their old traditions are already in upheaval - they used to have Mom & Dad together, then they had to learn to juggle Mom in House 1 and Dad in House 2. Now they are learning to incorporate you, your child at home, and your 2 oldest. That's a lot of adjustment. They don't want to leave either parent alone on a holiday, and because they are adults, they may feel they have to "take care" of one or both parents when they still haven't figured out how to take care of themselves.

I think you let their father invite them and figure out what would be the most comfortable. If you can adjust your own traditions with your kids to include whichever of his kids want to come, great. If everyone compromises a little, that's the best thing. If it doesn't happen right away, give it time.

I don't know what holidays you celebrate or how you do so, but if you do Thanksgiving but they want to go to their mother's, then you can do a fun "Leftover Day" on Friday or Saturday, with each of them invited to bring something they just love on the day after. I know a synagogue that does a Friday Pot Luck with all the leftover pies and cranberry breads, and everyone loves getting rid of their leftovers!

If you celebrate Hanukkah, there are 8 nights and it's easy to find a night everyone can come. We usually do a charity night, where we defer gifts and gather things to give away to a chosen good cause (women's shelter, food pantry, whatever). Everyone brings something to contribute. Pick something non-controversial to all concerned, though. Better yet, let them pick. You could do this on Thanksgiving weekend (or day, if you see them then) and pick something related to Christmas if that's your holiday - all kinds of organizations have "giving trees" to help buy things for kids who would otherwise go without. It's nice to do something for older kids too, who often get forgotten in the "toys for tots" type drives. All of the kids/stepkids are closer in age to needy teens than you are anyway, so let them be the guiding force. Your husband can set aside a budget and let them spend it as they wish, then everyone takes part in delivery the choices or wrapping them, whatever the recipient organization wants. Food pantries get a lot of food in November and December (and really struggle the rest of the year), but you could do something like not-so-perishable fruits (oranges, clementines, apples) and make up some little baskets or bags with ribbons (enough for one family), and donate them to the local pantry to be given right out. You could also do toiletries - women's sanitary supplies, deodorant, toothpaste, toothbrushes, hand lotion and more. This gets all of your children out of their "it's about me" mindset and into the "help someone else" mindset, without them focusing on making life better for you. They're all old enough to submit their own ideas here, so let their father brainstorm it with them and you with your own kids. These little projects also work fine if not everyone can get together on the same day, but you still have one activity.

If the stepkids have favorite recipes that don't conflict with their mother's favorites, you can do a recipe swap or ask them to provide the recipe to you in advance for any meal they are attending. Your husband could invite them to help you all pick out or decorate your Christmas tree, unless that's too emotional for them. Everyone could bring a new ornament so it's not just your family's traditional decor and it's not what they're missing from their mother's home - it's all new stuff.

Do they do old-fashioned board games or jigsaw puzzles? Those might be great to connect 20-somethings to the child you have at home. They are communal by nature, and puzzles can be gone back to again and again, without completing them on day 1. If you don't have a card table, borrow one from a friend or buy your own, just so the games aren't on the dining room or coffee table when you want to do other things.

Mostly, try not to solve everything in one year, and try to let things evolve as you get to know them better.

It sounds like things are still new enough now that you should let your husband deal with orchestrating any holiday plans involving his adult children (he is also in the best position to navigate any drama with his ex-wife).

For yourself, focus on figuring out what holiday arrangement works best for your three children.

Ask them what they would like to do. Let them know that you and your husband would love to have them over for a day or so (or whatever) during the holidays and you were wondering what days were good and what they would like to do.

If you reach out to them and let them know that you would like to spend time with them, they will be more likely to try and get to know you. You said that their mother blames you, but do they blame you? Are they combative? You can't make them like you, but you can take the high road and reach out to them to try and get to know them.

I think your husband should ask his daughters what they would like to do - they likely will want to spend the actual day with their mother, but you could do something on another day (before or after). Keep doing what you would like to do, but you can have 2 celebrations - no big deal. Lots of families do that.

As for them being somewhat hostile - I like what Mamazita wrote. It's likely all just new and a bit weird for them. I would just let your husband deal with that, be yourself, be welcoming and include them - but I wouldn't change things so much to appease them. Keep it simple.

No hostility/drama allowed for holidays. Period.
There's nothing that says you MUST gather them all together to celebrate any holiday.
So free yourself from that assumption and your holidays will run much smoother.
You simply do not invite combatants into your home - at least not all at the same time.
If you must have them over - have them over separately on different days.
Consider just making phone calls to those who will celebrate elsewhere and keep the peace in your own home.

This will take some time. Your husband really needs to be the one to take charge of this. Do not try to plan any new traditions yet. It will be too difficult and it will probably create bad times. I married my husband when his 2 girls were 10 and 13 (his boy was only 3), and it took a long time for them to adjust. Even though their mother was the one who found someone else and initiated the divorce (I came along well after their divorce), I was somehow the bad guy. Their mother went to great lengths to keep them away at holidays and would throw a fit if they spent any time with me and my family. She very much alienated the kids from their father and myself. We did have some therapy sessions which helped somewhat. Once the girls grew older and were not under their mother's roof, things got much better and they were able to see much more clearly. They both have apologized to us (this was not expected or requested, they felt the need to) and recognized how bad things were and that their mother was constantly and wrongly playing the victim. They saw through all the tricks and manipulation and they are closer to us now. Hopefully your husband's girls can go through the same kind of resolution and healing with time and help from your husband.

I think your husband should find what their plans are. You state they are adult step daughters. Do they have families?

Its going to be difficult. Your husband needs to handle this one.

What about having the gathering in neutral territory? A dinner together at a restaurant or something like that? You don't say if this is your first Christmas or if you are even married to their dad, so without further information it is difficult to know. If you are not married, and you share no children together, then this is kind of a non-issue as you don't "need" to spend the holidays together - you can all do your own things.

Sounds like your husband needs to have a long talk with them and explain things to them. If they are going to be hostile about things you really don't need them to make your holiday's more stressful. If they can't act right and civil don't invite them. Yes it's hard when your parent moves on but they are adults and should know how to put their big girl panties on and act like an adult.

How old are the step daughter? An 18 year old is much different than a 38 year old. Do the daughters want to see both their mother and father on Christmas (or the holiday they celebrate)? You can offer an idea and see how quickly they shut you down or agree to your suggestion. You can set an open house 'feel free to stop by Christmas Eve between 2-6 and/or join us for church at 7pm' can be one idea. I do not know what works for you.

Do not try to do "one big happy Christmas". I've had 2 step-sisters for almost 20 years and I can count on one hand the amount of times I've even seen them. When we were all in college, their dad would take them out for Christmas dinner to do gifts--my mom went along, but did not plan anything. I agree with the others--let your husband take the lead.