Hello, mamas. My step-daughter, who stays with us every other weekend and has her very own room at our house, is about to turn 11 years old next month. As is the case with all pre-teen girls, she's anxious to grow up and become a young lady. To encourage her and help her progress into the world of teendom, my husband and I would like to get her some new bedroom furniture. The problem is, we really can't afford such a large purchase right now. I had an idea to include a note with her birthday party invitation asking for donations toward new bedroom furniture for her in lieu of gifts. Is this even appropriate or would it be considered flat-out rude? What do you think? Thanks, everyone.
Wow! You ladies are incredible. When I brought this idea up to my mom she thought it was a great idea but as I thought about it, I wanted some outside opinions and boy, did you all pull through! I didn't mention this at first but my step-daughter shares a room at home (she lives w/ her mom, step-dad & 3 sisters-all younger than her) so having a room of her own at our house is her pride & joy. Each year for her birthday we do something for her room, one year we painted it purple (she picked out the color), another year we got her new bedsheets, etc. This year, the new bed would serve multiple purposes: she's outgrowing the twin, my parents would have a place to stay when they visit from out of state (if she's not here at the time), and my son is outgrowing his toddler bed & could get the twin bed. The idea didn't originate from "being used to hand outs" or any such thing. I'll check on Craigslist & check the sale papers. Thanks everyone for your insightful responses. (P.S.- The birthday party we have for her would be family-only. We live rather far away from her friends so there wouldn't be any friends to talk poorly about her had we decided to go through with the original idea.)
Totally inappropriate. If I received an invite like that I would either not attend or pointedly ignore the request.
VickiS
Even in 2010, there is no circumstance in which it is appropriate to ask friends and family (or enemies for that matter) for money. Whether for a new baby, a wedding, a birthday, an anniversary, etc., it is flat-out rude to ask for money as a gift.
I think that you asking for money from family is fine and they would understand. But as for friends they might think you are asking too much of them.
Hi S.,
I can see from your follow up comment that you've already made a decision, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents. Since the party is for family, I see nothing wrong with requesting money toward something big. We've done this in the past for my sons, for their Kindermusik lessons and for their swing set. We don't have a large family, so the only people we requested (and received) money from were my parents, my in-laws, and my grandmother, but they were thrilled that the money was going toward something that was actually useful instead of another toy that would be left in the toy box. As a matter of fact, my mom actually requests to give money for the kids' music lessons each year now at birthdays, which works out well for everyone.
Asking for money could come accross little rude to some parents and for a little girl that age the last thing you need is one of her friends saying something to her about it. I have a suggestion that could not only help in the cost but give your little girl a feeling of "growing up". Tell her you are going to transform her room like on TV. Take picutres of her room before you get started. Then take picutres during the whole process until the room is complete. Go shopping for used furniture you can find great things on line, used furniture stores or garage sales. Next let her deciede the color and theme for her room. Let her go with you to pick out the colors (take a picture of her shopping for colors) and buy the paints. You can find cute drawer pulls at the hardware stores very inexpensive as well. She can help with the prep work to get the items ready to paint (take a picture of her working). When they are painted set them up in her room. Now you can tell her friends she has a new bedroom for her birthday, tell the colors and theme inviting them to add to the decor. At the party let her show the photo album of her room in progress. My son and daughter in law did this for my granddaughter and not only did she feel grown up but she keeps the room clean and takes pride in everyting in her room.
I would not do that for two reasons S..
1) Yes, I do feel it is a tad inappropriate. I'm not one for following the rules, but my gut is this doesn't feel right.
2) You will be taking away from your step daughters gifts. Is a new bedroom set what she wants, or is it what you would like her to have? She is probably still young enough that she likes to get a lot of little fun gifts. Have you asked her what she would like? Her first priority may be a bedroom set. If so, consider, with her permission, saving any money gifts until she has enough. In that case when people "ask" you what she would want. You can be honest. She is saving up for a new bedroom set. But.....Personally I'm a little annoyed when someone buys me something they think I should have rather than buying me what I would like. Save the should haves for non birthday or christmas items.
Enjoy your celebration!
In our house, 11 and 12 are tween, 13 is the first teen year. Furniture does not make you more grown up. Taking on chores and handling gradually increasing responsibilities helps you grow. I'd hold off on suggesting furniture until you can afford it yourself. What 11 yr old thinks furniture is a cool gift? Wii games, these they think are cool. I think asking for furniture money in lieu of gifts from other people is not going to go over too well. It wouldn't with me if I received an invite like that.
I would not put it on the invitation. You can tell family members if they ask what she wants. Also shop garage sales for furniture. Eclectic is in and if you are a painter you can customize anything. Also if you have a wood worker in the family ask for a night stand or book shelf. Target also has reasonable furniture that goes on sale.
Hope you find the answer you are looking for.
You could also join www.freecycle.org. People are always giving stuff away or asking for things. You might be surprised what you can get there, and if it's dated, you can fix it. Even an old-fashioned double bed would look cool with a new coat of paint in bright colors, for example.
How about asking your step-daughter if she would like new furniture? IF yes, then ask her if she feels ok about accepting donations in lieu of gifts for her party. You can also check out Craigs List for less expensive furniture. There are also stores that sell "raw" furniture that is less expensive, but needs to be painted. This would be a fun project for all of you, if you have the time. You can also shop a little at a time, so it doesn't hurt your bank account all at once. Good Luck!
First of all I think you're great for wanting to do this for her. I have a 12 year old and we re-did her room last summer and honestly I think you can give her a great room without spending a fortune. My daughter wanted a "Hollywood" room, which I googled and found some really cute ideas online that we could do inexpensively. I would try to figure out a "theme" she would like for her room and maybe when people ask for ideas of something they could get her for her birthday you could say that you're in the process of re-doing her room in X theme and she'd really like a lava lamp, bean bag chair, etc for her new room. That way you can get help with things for her room without coming flat out and asking for monetary donations. I wouldn't spend a lot on furniture right now and concentrate more on accessories because you know 2 years from now her tastes will have totally changed.
I would think that would be kind of weird. I would look on craigslist. I bet you can find something really nice for little money. Good luck.
Unless you are used to asking for "hand outs" I cannot believe you even have to ask if this is acceptable. Unless the money is going to a Charity (which furniture for your daughter is NOT) it is NOT acceptable to ask for Money. If my child received an invitation like that not only would we NOT go to the party, we would distance ourselves socially in the future.
I apologize if my response comes across harsh, but Money for gifts is a pet peeve of mine. In my opinion Money and Gift cards say "here, I didn't care enough about you to put any THOUGHT into my gift."
I wouldn't do it...but you may try Craigslist for furniture. I found great furniture for both my kids rooms for a fraction of the price of new. You have to be persistent, but there are great bargains out there. Good hunting!
Definitely not good ettiquette. If this is your gift idea...and you don't have the means to pay for it, you simply don't give it. I was invited to a Wedding Anniversary Party where the couple had been married for 25 years and they were renewing their vows. On the invite they put, "New Bedroom Furniture already purchased. Donations kindly accepted." It was the tackiest thing I've ever seen...and could not get over it. Obviously, it is probably 10 years ago now...and I still clearly remember it.
It is not your relatives responsibility to help fund decorating your childs room.
About 10 years ago I would have said NO way but people do it all the time now. It is just how you word it. Typically the parents ask what can they get for the child anyway because they don't want to get something that the child won't use. I think it is a fantastic idea!!
I had the same problem! But my little girl is only turning 1. Since she is loaded with clothes and toys from my parents she doesn't need any more things. But I never was able to afford a dresser for her. So I asked my parents if they would all chip in for that instead of more stuff that she doesn't need just yet. I'm sure if you explain in your note that this is what SHE wants for her birthday, everyone would be willing to chip in.
Good luck!
I guess I'm old fashioned but I think that, for the most part, asking for money for a gift for someone that is not a necessity of life (i.e. medical needs) is probably not a good idea. When I get requests like these, I am usually a little taken back by it, I guess because I think this might encourage people to think that anytime they want something they can't afford that they think it's okay to ask someone else for it. If you decide to do it, I would certainly make sure you tell her what you are going to do in advance so she will understand that some people may not give her a gift in lieu of the money for the furniture and please make sure everyone who does give gets to see the new furniture. If you don't receive enough money will you still purchase the furniture? If you don't some people may wish they had given her a gift instead. Good luck!
You got great advice. If you end up buying the bedroom set yourself, I wanted to let you know that The Room Store let's you do layaway. They call it Price Lock... but it is the same as traditional layaway...you have 6 months to pay for your items then you bring them home. Also, you might try dallas.craigslist.com You might find a nice bedroom set. I just found a nice oak headboard/footboard for my son. Good luck...
No! Not appropriate.
S.,
I know you mean well, but don't do it. Tacky, tacky, tacky. It is up to you and your husband to provide the bedroom furniture, not ask for specific items or cash donations from her birthday invitees.
Good luck,
C.
I agree with others. A bit too weird. I think if I read that on an invite I'd be like "HUH??". My vote is don't do it.
If furniture is what she wants, then I second the mom who mentioned Craig's list. You can get brand new furniture for next to nothing. With the way the economy is right now, people are practically giving it away, just to make some extra money. As far as asking for money towards it, I don't think "Miss Manners" would give her ok.
Yeah ... I'm going with flat out rude. I've encountered this several times, and when you're on the receiving end of this request, it's down right insulting. If I personally ask you what she wants, then it's fine to tell me that you'd prefer something to help towards this purchase. But putting it down in writing in the invites is rude to your guests - and pretty tacky.
I'm so sorry - I feel terrible even saying it to you - but I truly believe this is the height of bad manners.
All my best and good luck.
Furniture isn't the road to maturity (LOL), but I see where you're coming from if she has that really kid-ish furniture. Craigslist is great, (http://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/fuo/1539715467.html) and you may also want to check out The Dump. We got GREAT stuff there at an excellent price. I wouldn't ask for contributions. See if she wants it, and start a bank account for her if she wants to help save for it. That'll be a great tool for growing up and educating her about saving, goals, etc.
Your post says that the new set is what you want to give Taylor. I don't think it's appropriate to ask others to donate to YOUR gift idea when it's TAYLOR's birthday. If she has said that all she wants for her birthday is a bedroom set, then you can choose the set (maybe even take a picture of it) and put that info in the invitation so people can give her money for it -- it would be like she registered for that gift for her birthday. Otherwise, let people buy their own gifts that she can open at her party and enjoy now. And maybe you and your husband could forego giving each other birthday/anniversary gifts, etc. so you can save money and buy the set for Christmas 2010 or her 12th birthday.
Totally inappropriate. You are trying to get the family to get you the furniture you need (you list the reasons why this is a good idea) instead of your step-daughter getting presents to celebrate her b-day. Let her get showered with b-day gifts the traditional way, after all she is STILL a child and there is nothing better than watching a little girl open her presents on her birthday celebration. I agree with the other mamas, shop around, check out garage/estate sales, Big Lots has youth furniture at good discount prices too.
Hi, seems like a solution to your delimma, but honestly NOT a good idea. Most people give gift cards anyway, but asking for money is never received well. If parents ask what your daughter would like, mention you are saving for new bedroom furniture. Also try raising money by selling old furniture and out grown clothes, toys etc on ebay, graigslist, etc. I would not ask for money, seems a little rude and offensive. Good luck.
I have read your after comment, about the party being just for family, and I think asking for money is fine. Some people on here may find it rude, but to each their own.
I would make sure that you still have some gifts for her to open, even if small items. I think it would be great!
My girls are 8 and 11, we just re-did my 11 year old's room for Christmas. She got paint, new bedding, pictures, ect. A side table (for like $20 in awesome colors at Target!). She LOVED it! I have also gotten things for my 8 year old in the past, like curtains, a divider, ect.
Oh and I love Craigslist! Lots of good finds on there. Good luck!
I wouldn't ask for money on the invites for kids her age.. I think they would want to pick her out something themselves. But, if you have family members that are going..I could see asking them to go in with you on the furniture.. maybe in a phone call over the invite though.
