How Do I Tell My Ex That He Needs to Spend More Time with the Girls?

You may have to re-file your custody arrangement to be 50/50. I did that because I didn't think my ex was spending enough time with our daughter. He wanted 50/50, but it does force him to spend time with her and put her needs first. I agree with the woman who said you can't change his mind. If he's going to act like that it's going to be hard on your girls, because they may feel rejected. Be prepared for counseling down the road. Hopefully he'll change his mind, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

You telling him should be enough. How he reacts is now up to him because you can't force another adult to do something. In my life experience, I've learned men don't do anything unless they think it is important to them. I know it sounds selfish but that is the way men see the world.

I really hate to say it, but after you told him once that should have been it. He won't change unless he feels a "have to" feeling to do so. You spend a lot of time with your daughters and you need to always keep doing that and later in life they will let him know how they feel, and his guilt will follow. I agree with some of the previous responders when they say try and find something else for them to do over the summer, a camp, day camps, or even friends or grandparents houses, maybe an aunt or uncle somewhere further away to make them feel they are going on vacation or something. if they had time away from him, and he had time away from them, maybe his feelings and attitude toward them will change, you just never know and need to take it one step at a time, let him open himself up to the idea of change, otherwise it can get resentful between you two. Just be creative on summer events or lessons and let the girls decide what they want to do. Have fun and good luck!

It doesn't sound like the time he is spending is quality time as it is - why would you encourage him to spend more time. I have learned being a single mother twice - men that don't really enjoy being with their children really should be with them...

I understand it's hard if you work - I had my daughter volunteer at the local Park and Rec - as a swimming aide during the day - she loved it - got great recommendations and I wasn't worried about her being home alone and bored all day while I was at work. Then we really enjoyed our evenings together - I am always exhausted by September, but my children get a lot of quality time with me during the summer and they love that.

Dear J.,

O.K. this is just my opinion, but I am much older and have seen this sort of problem before. I think that you are spending a lot of time trying to work on a problem that you cannot solve. Your ex husband just is not going to do what you want him to until he feels the hurt of missing the girls. Try to let it drop and let them - he and the girls - work out their own relationship. I tried to have a friendly divorce too, and it didn't work. So sometimes we just have to let go and do the best we can ourselves.

Try to figure out some activities for your girls that someone else might take them to - Maybe another mother is taking children to a sport or dancing lessons etc. and then you do something nice for her. You are a very responsible, intelligent mother and you can find something that they want to do and get them there. Talk with them.

Sincerely, C. N.

As ALL the moms seem to be telling you, he won't do anything he doesn't want to. Let the girls tell him that they'd like to see him more and do things together. Let them invite him for Wednesday night supper, or something like that. If you and he get along, it shouldn't be a problem to have one more mouth at the table. If you're stressed about the summer, ASK him if he could help. Don't TELL him, as you are not his wife or mother, and MANY people don't like being TOLD what to do. Tell him you'd really like it if he could be more available this summer because of your current work schedule. If he says that he simply can't, then accept it. You expect him to accept your schedule! If you do have a relative out of town that would want them to come visit (or come visit you) then this may be an option. I have a cousin in Washington and we've talked about "exchanging" kids for a few weeks when they get older. His wife and I are both SAHMs, so we thought of the following: one year they start their family vacation and drive down to CA. They would stay with us a week. then he and his wife would drive back to WA. A week later WE would bring his girls home with us and stay a week with them. Next year, we start vacation first, and leave our guy(s) with him. Then a week later he'd bring him (them) home. If you have a realitive that might like this arangement and would be willing to let you get the EXTRA week first, then it may be great, for you and the girls! Most kids LOVE spending time with their cousins.

If all else fails, look in to Parks and Recs and/or Boys and Girls Club. Both usually have great low cost solutions to the summer blues!

Hope it helps~ J.

I agree with others that say you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. If you do go back to court and get 50/50 as one person said,and it MAKES him spend time with his girls, I'm sure he won't be in that great of a mood when he is with them. So the girls will suffer that rejection too. I would say to try to figure something else out. Maybe a summer camp that your husband can help pay for since he doesn't want to take the time with them. No matter what kind of a relationship we want our children to have with their father, the father is the one that makes the choice on what it's really going to be. Very sad that many fathers don't know how to be fathers. All you can do is be there for them.
I wish you the best with your girls.

Hi J.,

Boy have I been in your shoes.....

You can't get it through his head so stop trying. You're divorced for a reason. If he won't do it on his own then it's never going to happen. Trust!!!

I suggest you get your girls off the couch and into an adult supervised activity like cheerleading, dance, league sports, music, volunteerism: something!! And for the summer months this is what I did...I gave my kids a deadline (June 5) in which they had to find a constructive activity that would last their entire break. They had to bring me three options. If they failed to do so I would find it for them which meant they could end up in a band or science camp. IT WORKED!!!
They each found an after school activity and a summer program that they enjoyed.

There is a plus side to all of this.....If they are involved in an activity it's much easier for them to SAY NO if they have somewhere to be when their friends try and influence them into doing something they know they shouldn't...AND it teaches them work ethic, life and work balance, responsibility and most importantly self worth. In addition, these extra-curriculars look good on their college aps!!!

When children are young parents put them into day care programs while they work. But when they become teenagers parents leave them to their own devices and that's when things happen. An idle mind is the devil's workshop so they need to stay busy when you can't be there.

My kids are now attending two of the most prestigious universities in the country and continue to volunteer in the communities they now live in.

As for their father....he has decided he wants to spend more time with them and guess what? School along with their volunteer commitments have priority. He's called me on several occasions, before they went off to college and when they come home for the summer, asking me to talk with them about calling and visiting him more; when they were home this summer neither of them called to let him know they were home. My response to him when he calls is "When I tried talking to you about the importance of the quality and quantity of time you spend with them you refused to hear me. Now, they are grown women with lives and minds of their own. While I can suggest they call and visit I can't make them. That ship has sailed and you missed it."

Good Luck!!!
Connie

It sounds more like you have primary custody and he has visitations. If this is all he wants then maybe you should talk to him and have the custody agreement changed. He would still have joint legal custody, but you would have primary physical custody. ALso, your daughters need to speak up for themselves. He might take it better hearing it from them then from you. Also tell your ex that a girl learns how a boy is supposed to treat her from her father. If they have a good relationship with him then they are less likely to do stupid things with guys ( i.e have sex).