I am actually a military mom. My ex husband is a civilian and when we separated I joined the Air Force. I can completely understand where you are coming from so here's a bit of advice from the 3 year custody battle I just went through. The first thing is get joint primary custody. I do not agree that going 50/50 is a good idea. I only say that because my ex and I did that and it was very difficult getting it changed when our son became old enough to go to school. I agree that your baby needs to be with his dad, but hopefully your ex will be willing to work around the custody agreement. Just because it goes to court, does not mean you guys cannot adjust it when you want to between yourselves. There have been plenty of times when I have gone home to see family and we have switched our son between us so the other parent can get a little extra time to see him. The only thing the court order is for is if you guys are not agreeing on something - that's what you HAVE to at LEAST go by. Also, not to be discouraging, but just because he is in the military does NOT mean that he will not be allowed custody of your son. When my ex and I went to court, my ex tried to bring up that I could get deployed, etc. and the judge through it out saying that as long as I had someone taking care of our son, it was not an issue that needed to be addressed. So I do not recommend bringing that up in court. In my agreement, I had it put in that if I get deployed for a year or more, he will stay with his dad during that time and be returned back to me immediately upon my return. Also, as far as meds go, I can completely understand. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 4 years old. I tried everything under the sun as an alternative to medicine (i.e. change in diet, TV time, etc) and when it came down to it, it just did not help his behavior during school. I eventually did put him on a very low dosage of meds for his ADHD and it has worked wonders in his behavior without taking away his quirky personality. When I finally broke the news to my ex about my decision, he was thoroughly ticked. However, because I am the primary custodian, he could not do anything and has gotten used to the idea that when he is in school, he will be on meds. And since it has brought his grades up as well, it has helped convince him. Talk to your (soon to be) ex about meds and try other remedies that he suggests before resorting to them. In the end, you will need a very good divorce and custody attorney. They can get very expensive (I spent about $10k on mine - but my ex also dragged things out to make it more expensive as well) so I would recommend talking to your lawyer about some sort of payment plan. I also recommend you go to counseling before going on with the divorce. Since he is in the military, you can get it for free through the base chaplain or if you guys go to church speak to your pastor about doing it. It is true that the divorce rate is VERY high for military members, which is very sad. My divorce was not due to the military, but I have seen a lot of divorces since I have joined and I believe some of them could have been worked through with some elbow grease and counseling. :) In the end, I do recommend that you allow your son to still be with his dad when he can be. I have gotten remarried since my divorce and while my son knows who his real father is and spends time with him, he has picked up a lot of my husband's character traits. So don't worry about all of the "bad" traits his father may pass onto him because he will learn good ones from you, a possible step-dad in the future, and even his teachers when he starts school. My ex was abusive to me, but never his son and I worried about him passing on that temper to our son. However, I have yet to see that happen and as long as I instill good behavior qualities, I believe he will see how he should and should not behave (despite his father's bad qualities). Divorce is difficult on a kid, do your best not to put him in the middle of it. One thing my lawyer always said to me was to NEVER talk about the custody in front of my son. If I was on the phone with his dad or my lawyer, I needed to go to a different room. You do not want your son to see you fighting/crying about custody over him, it will mess him up mentally. Even though he is young right now, who knows how long the custody battle could last (mine took 3 yrs) so he may eventually remember or understand what is going on and starting early by keeping him away from those discussions is a good habit to start. I wish the best of luck to you during this time. It's very difficult and painful but if there is no hope in reconciling the marriage, divorce may be your best option. Good luck again!
PS - I am actually writing this on my husband's account. He saw the post and recommended that I reply back to you. Just to clear up any confusion. :)