I am having a hard time talking to my boyfriend about how unhappy I have been lately. I am dealing with alot of issues and feel very un supported. We have an eight month old little girl that I stay home with during the day while he is at work then I work 4-5 nights serving. We get two nights consistanly together, and most of those nights I am so tired from the previous week and days events that I just want to spend time relaxing with him. Also, my mother is currently battling a cancer that most likly won't ever go away, she is now 100 lbs and sick constantly, She has always been my rock, and now she's so frail...
My problem is that when we do have time together he puts no effort in to spending time with me. He plays video games or watches tv then crawls in bed usually without even saying good night. I come in to kiss him and he will kiss me back sometimes but most of the time he just gives me a peck and rolls over.
He hates confrontation so when we have a problem he clams up immediately and won't respond.. How do I get him to listen and talk to me about what I feel..
*****Thanks everyone. I think it's funny how so many people commented on my side note of not wanting to be married. I come from high school sweetheart parents that still act like newly weds...well, when they can, and so does matthew. My desire to not be married is not from fear or the idea that it would be easier to leave if I need to, I just don't think it is nessecary these days. Marriage to me is a buisness deal and a silly piece of paper. I see how easy it has become to divorce and how it has turned into the idea of "oh well if it doesn't work out I will divorce." I still believe I will love and be with matthew for the rest of my life. I want our relationship to be like the ones we both grew up with. I made that decision when I had our daughter.
thank you all for your input and I took it all to heart. I guess what i was looking for was an outlet of getting my feeling out first before I talked to him. And after putting some of them here I called my best firend and she came over and let my fall apart on her. Then I sat down with matthew and told him everything I have felt in no uncertain terms so he would know what I need.
We have made a promise to go out once a week just the two of us and spend time alone. I also promised him I would let him know when I really need him to listen, he promised he would. :)
Thanks again!
I think the book "Love and Respect" would help you both out a lot. I highly recommend it. Best wishes to you...
Amamda, After I have been married for 13 years sice 20 years old. I have been through the same grueling schedule with now 3 kids. It gets worse before it gets better - I will explain that.
You as a women, have so many respomsibilities with a child, work and your frail mother, you have no choice but to prioritize. If you don't your mom will be gone and you will feel like you have unfinished business there. Your daughter will sit bored watching video games while you work and you come home after a tired day and have to do dishes. All of this, just to keep the peace because he does not know how to communicate.
Everything I am sharing with you is only from experience and that turned into more grown up maturity as time went by. When I was young, I got mad and threw stuff at him I was so angry and tired. When I realized that just clams up that type of personality more.
I just sat down and gave him an altimatum... I told him very very calmy the way "I" feel and you have to stay even toned. Avoid any blame in your voice. Don't point fingers... Say - I don't like to feel... so tired after doing dishes when I come home or I would love it if you would go do this with me on my day off.
If he turns you down, don't get mad! When you lie down to sleep and he rolls over get up pretend to do something, walk over to his side of the bed and lean over and kiss him good night and say I love you. No response? Don't get mad yet...
Give all this a few weeks, it is very hard and stressfull because you will feel like pounding there face in. Please refrain.
By the end of the second week, if he still has on his video game, throw him a big loop. When the baby is napping. Walk out in fron of him wearing something to make the first move to have sex. Turn off the video game and throw yourself on him. Now its turn. If he throws you off over the video game after 3 weeks of your kind loving no-nagging self.
He must be an idiot, so time for you to get real. Get up tell him you are tired of feeling unloved, on top of stressed out from being over worked and being the strong woman that you are you are smart enough to know you don't need marriage, which would also mean you are smart enough to raise a child yourself. Tell him to you still love him and he has a week to decide what to do. If his choice is his games and selfishness, he is immature and tell him to plan to leave. Tell him though that you don't play games so please be sure of his choice in order to not confuse your child.
If at any point you feel harmed - you both get out.
If you can leave your mom anything in this world when she goes to live on the other side. Let her know what a great mom you are and the values you stand for and you will never let grass grow under your feet, because of SOMEONE ELSE.
We can guide people in the right direction, but we can't always fix them. If he is meant to be in your future you will know after all this. If you just fight everyday, it will hurt your spirit and you will never know.
Just as an encouragment, I am also married to my lifelong boyfriend for 13 years, but we have been together for 16 years. I am 33 an now have 3 kids
love to you and your baby.
K
Wow, all I can say is welcome to the real world. Relationships take work. I do beleive in marriage so I am not even going to address that one with you!
You are young and you need to get out and do things for you, find some friends and get some support. Your boyfriend is working to support all 3 of you, he needs time to do what he wants as well to relax. Your post started with "how do I talk to him........" - you do just that - talk.
I am sorry to hear about your mom, I lost mine 8 years ago. I have a huge support system and I am blessed with many friends. Ultimately it's my relationship with the Lord and His Word that gets me through some difficult times. I don't know what I would do without it!
Hi A.,
In reading your post, I am a little confused about what it is you truly want from him. Do you want to talk to him about how unhappy you are? Or, do you want to talk to him period? When you say "how unhappy you are", are you unhappy with him? With your life? With the possible impending loss of your mother? I think it is important for you to get really clear about what it is you are wanting from him. If in your fear and frustration you are always going for the "confrontational" topics first, then you may be able to see why he shuts down and shuts out before you can get to the core of what it is you are needing from him. Or needing period. And, I would offer that what you think is a "safe" topic, may not be safe for him. One mistake we make in relationships is thinking we know what the other person is thinking or the reasons why they do things. Until you hear it from him, you don't know. I would start by talking with him about what is going on "right" or "good" in your life. Spend some time helping him feel safe in having conversation with you. If you need support and he is not ready, I would find it with a friend or a professional. In time, he may begin to believe it is safe to have conversation with you and will become more open to discussing topics that are challenging for him. It is OK for him not to be the one you can turn to for support in every area of your life. Is that what you want? Yes? That is okay too. Yet, you don't have to throw away the relationship because that is not what you're getting....yet. There is time to work on it. That kind of relationship is earned. It cannot be given without first earning it through building trust, commitment, and your love muscle.
I hope some of this helps you see more clearly what your next step is. Any time we want change it is a series of baby steps or small growth. Seldom will we see it in some dramatic huge change. Take a moment each day to notice the good things that are in your life and that your boyfriend does. Acknowledge yourself and him out loud everyday for those things. This is one small way to build trust, commitment and love. You will be surprised how powerful that alone can be.
I wish you well. If you are ever interested in working with a life coach on this, I would be happy to give you a complimentary session to support you any way I can.
Sincerely,
L. Bottomley, CFLC
Certified Fearless Living Coach
____@____.com
Having little ones and working ~ It is hard! It is exhausting! It can definitely be a bit of a strain on the intamacy relationship between you and your boyfriend. You mentioned you do not believe in marriage... Why? Does your boyfrined share this same feeling or does he have another belief? This comment stood out to me. I feel if you undersood what marriage really is and the importance of it... You might change your mind, maybe not. Not being married and yet living the way married people live ~ can unfortunately bring more feelings of insecurity & instability than if married. There is not a lot of security to it ~ Either one of you could leave at any time. It's true with marriage too but, there is often times so much more at stake! I dont know where your boyfriends feelings are with that ~ you did not mention that. You only mentioned that "YOU" do not believe in marriage. I would start with that question ~ WHY??? Together you could write down the pros and cons of both "Being married" and "Not being married"... It just might be benneficial for the 2 of you to do that... But, even being married, the feelings you are feeling with being a mom of a small child and working, feleing tired and not feeling like you are getting enough attention from your partner ~ This is all part of the experience. It is not easy ~ but if we all stick to it and set goals and accomplish those goals and stay commited in an unselfish way ~ It WILL ALL BE WORHTH IT!!! Marriage and Parenting are not easy! For myself, when I am down and struggling with similar feelings you mentioned, I turn my heart to My Heavenly Father and "PRAY"... I will pray for strength, pray for guidance, I pray to help me to know what the best things to say or do should be, pray for understanding... Prayer ~ for me ~ HAS ALWAYS proven to be the best & most helpful!
I wish you lots of luck A.... Stay strong and look to your future with hope, stregth,love and understanding. Maybe your boyfriends is feeling similar feelings???
"Pray about What to say!" You could even pray together?
Good Luck!
Hi A., Welcome to womanhood! Wow, you are only 23! I'm 41 and I'm going to tell you briefly my story. I was married at 30 and married for 8 years before divorcing. I have an 8.5 yo and 5.5 yo. I got divorced basically because my husband was too busy on the play station, watching sports or later I found out chatting in chat rooms and texting other women. After several years of being unhappy and having a husband that didn't seem to care to put any effort into making our marriage work, I kicked him out and divorced him shortly thereafter. I'm telling you this because at age 39 when all this happened, I really looked at how short life is, and how easy it is to get stuck in a rut and really just let life pass you by. There is no reason not to be happy, every single day. And yes, women have struggles, we work, have kids, take care of the house and bills and pets, etc. But you also need to have a good partner to help you thru that and have the good times with the bad. my point being is you need to address these issues with your boyfriend asap. you both need to find a common ground to make a happy relationship. mostly, you don't want your little girl to be raised in a relationship that is not good for her. she is your priority above all else. do all you can do to help your relationship, and that is talking with your boyfriend. and if he is not mature enough, or man enough to understand this, you may need to find someone else. also, you need to have a good base of friends to talk to, maybe other young moms who are going thru the same thing. try www.meetup.com for mom groups in your zip code. it's free to join and there are many groups out there to help you meet people that maybe can help. anyway, good luck and contact me if you need someone to talk to. i know how hard it is! but we don't give up, we keep doing the best we can!
Hi A., I didn't read through all of your responses, so forgive me if I repeat anything that was said before. I am married, happily, but I thought it was funny how faith people put into actually being married! If it's not for you then that's ok, only you and your boyfriend can know for sure. I know a lot of people who have been together for 25+ years and never married. It's a personal choice. Moving on. . .I realize that the title of the book is inappropriate, but it was given to me before I married my husband so I guess it'll do! Anyway, it's called the proper care and feeding of husbands. It's by Dr.Laura Shlessinger (ok I totally mispelled her last name, sorry) But it's a helpful book because it puts things in perspective, I sometimes find that I don't convey what I want to my hubby, at least not in a way he understands, and this book is helpful with that. Check it out. Anyway, I think you've got a handle on the situation. I'm impressed with your conviction, and believe me we've all been in your boat at one point or another. Good Luck! :-)
Hi A.,
It sounds like you are having a hard time right now. It's good that you are trying to figure out how to solve your communication issues or lack there of. As one of the other responses said, relationships do take work...even the best relationships have hard times. And having a little one can put a strain on relationships with all the effort, time and lack of sleep that go along with parenting.
I would encourage you to talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling and when you do it focus on how YOU are feeling, try to do it in a nonconfrontational, nonaggressive way to try to avoid him shutting down (men get overwhelmed by negativity easily and quickly shut down and stop listening if they feel they are being attacked). Try to focus the conversation on how the two of you can spend more quality time together...it sounds like you miss the intimacy/closeness between the two of you, tell him that.
Additionally, make sure you are telling him how much you appreciate what he does to take care of you and your daughter (yes, you are working too, but often we have to make sure we are expressing appreciativeness first and then they are likely to express it back).
Take care!
