How Do I Respond to Fil Placing Hands on My Daughter from Behind?

Grandpa reached out and put his hands around his granddaughter's waist and you're upset?

I don't understand at all why this is wrong. He might have been going to pick her up? He might have intended to tickle her? Why is putting his hands around her waist wrong in any way?

Maybe you didn't explain it well but I put my hands on my grand kids all the time. At age 3 she should be expected to be picked up and tossed, hugged, snuggled, and more by her grandparents and other family members.

if it didn't come across as playful, how DID it come across?
i'm not getting why this is a Big Thing.
i mean, he startled her. it's a big startling world. i'm not sure why 'molester' or even 'socially awkward' is coming into play here. he didn't grab her by the butt. a waist is a perfectly acceptable place for a loving family member to touch a child.
if it scared her, i'd encourage her to say something like 'oh grandpa, you scared me! i didn't know you were there!'
but it's certainly not a situation that requires a 'protective' arm wrapped around her or corrective words being spoken to the poor man.
i'm guessing that it's you who are turning this into a Big Thing for your very young daughter, and teaching her that all touch is Bad.
khairete
S.

Huh? It's a problem to hold a 4 year old's waist? I wouldn't have said or done anything.

If you relay your overprotective attitude to your daughter, she is going to grow up neurotic.

I think the lack of sleep is making you read more into this than you otherwise would.
There's no reason to kick yourself and I don't think your fil is a child molester.
Look for more ways to catch up on sleep and let this go.
Not all surprises make us comfortable but that doesn't necessarily mean the surprise was intended to be that way.
There's nothing to say to fil.

I think Grandpa meant to be playful and had no idea that it would startle your daughter. She didn't see it coming, and, as Marda says, perhaps she doesn't know him that well. Even if she does know him well, most people don't expect to be grabbed from behind. But there is nothing particularly "private" about the waist and it's not an inappropriate area to touch, assuming the child sees it coming. If she had been facing him and he had picked her up around the waist to give her a hug or carry her down the steps, there would be no issue, right?

Grandpa may not be all that familiar with 3-4 year olds, and he knows that he can't sit and tell jokes with her. So just like the older relative who thinks tickling is a good idea and doesn't realize that it's not nearly as much fun for the person on the receiving end, your FIL just doesn't know what to do.

So I think the first thing to do is to help your daughter give words to her feelings, which would also communicate to Grandpa that it wasn't a good idea. The 2nd thing would be to suggest something they could do that might be way more fun. So something like, "Oh, Sweetpea, did Grandpa surprise you by grabbing your waist? I'm sure he meant to play with you. Why don't you two sit down with your puzzle and you can show him how you put the pieces in the right places?" That acknowledges her reaction, supports your role as her protector/confidante, lets him know it wasn't a good idea even if well-intentioned, and suggests something they can do together.

I'm very confused. I see nothing wrong with him grabbing her waist. I suggest she was startled and doesn't know him. My response would've been to give her a hug, tell her she's OK and suggest she go back to playing. If she wants to stay, I'd let her stay. She was OK, right? You trust her grandfather to not purposely hurt her.

She's 3. Because she's young and inexperience, she's socially awkward. Having him grab her is your opportunity to teach her that her grandfather didn't mean to scare her. This is how you help her learn about her family. This is the beginning of her learning to have trust in her world.ie; her family. If she's afraid of her grandfather, that is.

I suggest she was startled, and as all children this age would do, go to Mom for help handling her emotions. I suggest that your negative reaction increased her fear. "Mom's upset. There is something wrong." Without your help, she will be wary of Grandfather.

Why would you keep her away from family? Family is the safe place for children to learn about people. Sounds like she has spent very little time with her grandfather. Sounds like you're uncomfortable with his social awkwardness. Lots of people are socially awkward. That's OK. I suggest you find a way to show love. Accepting him as he is, is a good start. I suggest that pushing him a way happens because you're socially awkward. You don't know how to relate with him.

All of us feel and act awkward in some social situations. I suggest that once you are comfortable with yourself and him, you will feel less stress and less need to be upset at everyday situations.

I have a grandaughter who is 4 and one that's three. Both of them would have reacted in a similar way as your daughter. With the support of the adults in their life, they will begin interacting with the new people. For the 4yo,.it took several visits with her before she would come out of her room. The 2yo is less shy. She sat on her mom's for 15 or so minutes before going on with play.

After a couple of visits their aunt stumbled on a way to get them to accept her. She was putting on hand lotion when the 2yo wanted some. When her sister heard the laughter, she came out of her room. The 3 of them had a good time together. They've been good friends ever sense.

Perhaps you and your husband can find a way for your FIL to interact with the girls. Something simple and easy to do.

BTW when someone comes up behind me, for a brief second I'm startled. If that someone is a stranger, I'm uncomfortable and stay alert. When your daughter ran to you she was seeking reassurance that she's safe.

After your latest SWH I can better understand your reaction. I, too, was sheltered. My family was was conservative. I spent very little time away from them until I went to college. My parents taught me to be hypervigilant with people. I got the message that the world was a dangerous place. I was very shy.

Over the years, I learned that the world I lived in is safe. What a relief! Therapy got me started in thinking a different way. I'm 72 and a retired cop. I still believe my world is safe. I'm no longer shy. LOL

I apologize if this is a genuine mom. But the question has changed (I see from the moms' below posts that it has as you've removed some details about your FIL unless I'm missing something).
That always makes me wonder.

Nothing about what you have described sounds sexual in nature.

If you are uncomfortable or your daughter is uncomfortable being touched - in any way - you say so. There's your answer. Just say "Oh I don't think she likes that - she was startled" or whatever you need to.

I'm not following you. Do you think your FIL is a pervert or child molester? Was he giving her a hug or steadying her on her feet? I have been startled by someone unexpectantly touching me even though the touch was completely benign.

Unless there is a lot more to be concerned about I would not have said anything and I would continue to allow my daughter in the same room with him. I don't see the relevance in the fact that your FIL was socially awkward, raised in a boarding school and works for a Christian organization. What am I missing?

No I wouldn't say anything at this point. He reached out for her, she moved away and went to you. End of the encounter. You might want to let her know that its ok to say 'Grandpa, I don't like that' so that she'll learn to put words to her actions and feelings.

As far as what I would have said at the time? Probably something like guess she doesn't like that very much. Nothing heavy since its a person you trust

My husband does things like this a lot. He just wants to give little people a great big hug. We all have different barometers. It startled your daughter but you were uncomfortable. Nothing wrong with being protective of your daughter and it sounds like you have a huggy bear father in law, so I would let this one go. He isn't going to change. Plus your daughter probably picked up on your disapproval. You are going to be in eachother's lives a long time and it appears you have a warm loving father in law. On the other hand if you know that there is something that you aren't telling us,then by all means keep your radar up.

So, are you saying that your FIL is a pervert because he "touched" his 3 year old grandchild? That somehow her waist is a "private area" that a grandfather shouldn't touch? That him being catholic or in a boarding school has done something bad to him?

Has your FIL molested other children?

If he hasn't, then you are being cruel in talking like this about the man who fathered someone you chose to have a child with.

MANY children are shy of anyone but mommy and daddy touching them. That doesn't mean that other family members are doing anything wrong by touching them. What IS wrong is you trying to make something bad out of what your FIL did. There's NOTHING wrong with putting his hands on her waist.

If you were molested when you were young by someone in your family, you should get help for that. You shouldn't be projecting your fears onto other people. Go get counseling. If you don't, you are going to rip your family apart. I feel for your husband. He will start feeling like he can't touch his own daughter if you don't get help.

You shouldn't kick yourself for not saying anything, just be better prepared for the next time, should it happen again.

I would say something like, "Oh, she doesn't like that" and interact with your daughter a bit. I wouldn't [plan] to cuddle her. Or perhaps, a friendly, "She's pretty uncomfortable being touched at her waist".

Of course, turn it up if it continues.