How Do I Reconnect with My Husband?

N. sometimes even in spite of therapy and getting help we are still very angry inside or all of the comes too late which can explain your feelings. You might have been more receptive a few months ago and now you are perhaps still suspicious and holding onto your own anger. You need that to protect yourself and your children. It takes two to make a marriage so you are not a light bulb that can be put in and turned on. You need your husband to connect on the other end. I think you have to look inward and see if you really believe all of this therapy is helping him too or if he is mimicking real feelings. If you don't feel connected you aren't. But time can permit that to change. I am sure not all of this happened overnite, so it won't be undone over nite. You will have good days and bad days. I disagree with the fact that abusers can't change. God can change anyone. And in this case if your husband wants to keep his family perhaps you can wait it out. Unless he is physically harming you then you know must get out yesterday. So if that is the case I agree you should prepare. Hide a bag ready to go and get your finances in order.
I went through a similar thing in life and left my husband many years ago (am married again another fourteen to a nice person). But always in the back of my head I wonder what would have happened had I remained.
I Also want to add one more thing. I see you are taking care of lots of people, your children, you are a tutor and you teach. I do those things so I know how draining it is. You need to take care of yourself also. To be happy is not always dependent on someone else. Get something nice in once a day, such as a bubble bath, or a good book you can't wait to get to. Or dance. Or something.You might end up liking you so much hubby might not be as much as an issue. Our loneliness is sometimes linked to the fact that we gave ourselves up somewhere. And we need to find that first.

You need to let go of your guilt or never feels that you are feeling about the 'choice you made for a husband'. Concentrating on this is not allowing you to move forward. You made the choice good or bad you are now in it and for better or worse you are to work throught the problem. Which you are doing, but to be able to get through it a little bit more happier you have to let go of that. Now matter your choice, God will make good on any decision if you include him on your marriage and it's repair. You sound like you've made the choice to love your husband so that is half the battle. If you are feeling there is something better for you out there that is another thing that may be holding you back of moving forward and not being happy. Every man has his issue, some more worse than others, but I'd rather stick with the problems I already have and have learned to accept or not accept and still love him. Remember no man is perfect, God is your perfect husband (sort of speak) and that men have an ego made of glass. Just the littlest thing shatters it and is hard to build it up again. I pray you are very blessed in your reconcilation.

Dear N.,

I have two questions....

1. Why do you want to live with someone that is abusive?

2. Would you like your daughters to be in this same situation?

Sometimes you have to do things that your heart is not agreeing with. I hope you make the right decision.

Remember, you are an adult and you can make your choices for yourself. Your daughters are children and are looking at you to make the "right" choices for them.

Please listen to your responses. I believe we are all saying the same thing but in different words.

Good luck, Heather

Honestly, the "abusive part" scares me. Don't know if it is verbal or physical. Either way, no one should let their children be subjected to that - nor should you. In your case, it sounds as if he is making some headway. I know Dr. Laura has said..."pretend that this is real for you, now....and the real feelings may come soon"... so if you feel that this is worth the work, just do that. Time will tell what you want to do and only you know that answer. Just don't ever let someone make you feel less worthy than you are - that's a decision that YOU make when you accept that kind of behavior. Good luck.

I have been there and done that. I, too, faked it for a while. The one thing you have to realize over all else is if you love this man or not. I did not love mine, so no amount of trying or therapy would ever work. Once I realized this I got out and have been happier than ever. You need to really analyze your feelings. If you still have love for him, you may want to stick it out a bit longer, ONLY if he is not abusing you though. If you no longer or don't love him, get out. You will be happier and better off and so will the children.

I applaud your efforts in trying to make your marriage work, both for you and your kids. As Dr.Phil says, children would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home. I'm glad to hear that your hubby is working on things and is commited to the family but don't fool yourself IF he is not. Get out! Once an abuser, always an abuser. Add stress to any situation and you can make someone snap. Add stress to someone who has a history of problems and well, you have an ugly situation ready to blow. I don't know that I would be trying to stay in the marriage personally but only YOU know if it's worth it. I would definitely say that you should have a plan B...just in case. Start securing extra financing, a place to stay...whatever. Don't put yourself in a position that you will have to stay with him because you don't have anywhere to go. Then he will have power over you. For your sake, I hope that it works out and that this has a happy ending. You guys obviously came together for a reason and you do have two children...Keep getting help from your counselor, that is all that I can advise.

Best wishes.
N.

Here is a terrific idea for you and your husband...check out:
http://www.alifetimeoflove.org/index.php

BTW my husband & I have been married for 37 years. Without the training and support that we recieved at WorldWide Marriage Encounter, we would never have lasted beyond 10 years! Good luck!

The suggestions about "Fireproof your Marriage" are as terrific as the movie!

I fully believe this is what worked for us, but it is not a Miracle cure! You both have to want to make it work. If there is really an abusive situation going on, my suggestion above will not solve that. However they may have another option for you, as a couple. Above all, hold to your faith and if anyone is in seriuos jeopardy - get yourself & your children out of the situation, as soon as you can.

If there is hope, I suggest you start with the movie. The suggestions about "Fireproof your Marriage" are as terrific as the movie!

If that gives you both hope & encouragement, then consider my suggestion above. God Bless You & Your Family.

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have definately had our ups and downs during this time! In the two years, we have made some changes. This did not happen fast, and we are still working, as in every marriage, you have to work or it will eventually fall apart. We started going to church, which I could hardly get him to get out of bed on Sunday, about 5 years ago, let a lone go to church, but we found an awesome church, so this changed his perception. We are now BOTH listening to the CD's, Love and Respect, By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, and WOW, what a differnce! Men need respect and women need love, and it has to go both ways. But, when we give our men the respect they need, they in turn give us the love we desire. I highly recommend these CD's, atleast listen to them yourself and start making changes, you will be amazed!

N.,

I was in a similar situation. I was married to a verbally abusive man. We did the counseling thing, however, no amount of counseling can help if your feelings have changed.I realized that I no longer loved him and deserved to be treated better.After I left I felt so liberated and much, much happier.

You said that you act like you love him. If the love is gone why would you want to stay and be miserable? It's not fair to you or your daughters.

This is a tough situation you are going thru. I hope that you make the best decision for you and your daughters. I wish you the best.

M.

There is a wonderful new movie called Fireproof. Some of the testimonies I have read about couples who go to this movie are amazing. There is also a book that goes with it called the Love Dare. It is wondeful and we watched it together and it really was an amazing movie!! I know a movie alone won't iron out all the wrinkles but go to the website fireproofthemovie.com )I think this is right you can look at yahoo if it does not come up) and see what couples in your situation are saying about this movie! Good blessings and I will be praying for you. My husband and I went through some really rough stuff several years ago and now we are stronger than ever and I would not trade my marriage for anything.

I highly recommend getting the book the love dare and seeing the movie Fireproof..........

Since you are already in counseling possibly you can have a session alone. Explain how you really feel to your counselor and let him/her help you make the best decison for you and your daughters.It's so unhealthy to not be your true authentic self and it's not good for the daughters you love.
Peace to you.