How Do I Prepare Me, and My First Super Needy Kid for Our New Coming Member?

I hate to say it but you created this issue and now you have to undo it, and that will be hard. You don't have to do full CIO but maybe a modified version where you let him cry for 5 minutes at at time and then come in to comfort, but without taking him out of bed, just laying him back down and rubbing his tummy or singing/talking softly and then leaving, and if he cries again wait another 5 minutes. At this age he does not need night feedings, he is doing so because he has been trained to do so, so now you have to train him to find other ways to comfort himself. You need to do these things sooner rather than later or he will feel even more displaced by his new sibling. (mine are the same distance apart in age). And he has to learn to stay with other people, even if at first he cries the whole time he has to learn that you can leave and that you will come back. It will be very hard at first but once you start you have to stay consistent or else what he will learn is that if he just cries hard enough or long enough you will give up on correcting these issues.

I will only say this once. You need to start teaching your son a little independence. There is no way your son will *magically* be ok when the baby arrives, if you continue to "do what I have to do to fit his needs"... For most people, that means they are fed, and diapered and loved and kept safe. In your case it seems to mean that the world stops and you deliver on a dime for you son. Unless he has some sort of special needs issue, then you are doing him no favors. And I have little sympathy for the "he won't sleep all night and still *needs* 3 bottles during the night" or "he won't sleep in a room by himself" or "he won't ____ without me." You've taught him all of this. You are "not into crying it out" and so you will live with the consequences, I'm guessing. Good luck with that.

My oldest was like this...he was and is a high needs and sensitive child. He wanted me 24/7 and by the time he was 16 months old I was so exhausted...I was up 2/3 times a night, no feeding just soothing, he would sit on my feet in the kitchen and cry while I cooked dinner, he had to be in a exasauser in the bathroom while I showered (even then it was a 50/50 if he would cry the whole time).

First thing I did was sign him up for a Mother's Day Out program two days a week. It was 6 hours long and some days I would just go home and sleep. He would cry for six hours straight every single day I took him...those ladies were saints literally they took amazing care of him while he cried....it took him about three months before he realized playing with the toys was more fun than laying on the floor crying for me.

I got Dr. Ferbers book on sleep training and actually read it. They call his method cry it out but really it is learning to self soothe. I followed the book for his age range and he started sleeping through the night after twice as long as the book said it would take him. And actually he still isn't a good sleeper.

When I was starting to really show with his sister he was about 24 months (2 years old) so I started telling him about OUR new baby. That we they whole family was having a baby including him in the we. And telling him that his sister was going to really need him to help her. I started referring to the baby as his baby sister giving him "ownership" in her. He was actually so excited...he and I did things together to get ready for her...picked out her clothes...decorated her room...etc etc.

After she arrived he was so protective of her...he would stand between her and guests and ask them if they had washed their hands. He would still sit close to me when I fed her, and I would read him a book. He took his job very seriously as her protector and that "his baby" needed her swing started and "his baby" needed a new diaper and he would bring me one. He felt ownership in her becoming part of the family. That was what helped them bond and him be okay with a new addition.

They are now 9 and 12...they play some but are typically brother and sister...you do your thing and I'll do mine. Into their own friends and interests. He will go to bat for her with others but is an annoying typical brother the rest. So his attachment to her when she was younger wasn't abnormal just what he needed to bond with and let her into our circle of mommy and me when it became the three of us.

Good luck...and buy some ear plugs you are going to need tham...hugs!!

There is no right or wrong way to parent - seriously. Some of the posters below make it sound like you are creating a monster! Some kids are needier than others and some mom's feed into the neediness more than others. For the most part, it all works out in the end :) My 2nd daughter was my needy one - she sat on my feet and cried every night while I made dinner until she was like 7. Now, she is a stable, loving adult with a child of her own (and the best mom I know).

It sounds like you have real concerns about the new baby and how you will balance two kids under 2. Those are real concerns, and even if your child wasn't "needy", you would still be smart to plan things out earlier rather than later. Rather than focusing on changing your child, I think I would work on changing how your child is making you feel when you can't meet his immediate needs. For example, why can't you listen to him cry while you take a shower? Why must you immediately respond when you are simply trying to do a chore like dishes and he screams? Focusing on changing YOUR behaviors, will ultimately help you in working through his neediness.

I would pick 3 things: showering, sleeping through the night, and spending time away from mom. Start with the showering. So what if he cries? If he is safe, he is fine. No kid was EVER harmed by crying while mom took a shower, I swear. Do it for 2 months consistently. Never give in or fall back or you are right back where you started but only worse. Same with sleeping through the night and getting him into a playdate group or time with dad on Saturdays while you leave the house (not sit in the bedroom and bite your nails while he is crying). Change how YOU think about it and how YOU react, and he will be just fine.

One more thing - please do not use your child as an "excuse" to not get a job. If you want to be a stay at home mom, then be one. That is totally fine. However, "my kid will cry if I get a job" is at the top of the lame excuse list. Kids cry, kids go to daycare, moms work, it happens every day :)

Well, you've identified all the problems you created. "Babying him too much", ie, holding a year old child when you shower or bathe and letting him rule your household, letting him co-sleep, feeding him 2/3 times a night, "not into crying-it-out".

The question that I have is, what are you willing to give up to train him?

You will not be able to do this without giving up something. You created this, and now you have to suffer the consequences, and so will he. Or, you continue to let him run your life and interfere with giving a newborn what he or she needs. On top of that, he will continue to be the insecure and miserable little boy that gets older, but continues to demand more and more of you.

I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to actually understand that you can't continue the status quo and change ANYTHING.

You have to give him the confidence in himself to be without you physically all the time. The only way to do that is to DO IT. Get up and go about your work. When he cries, don't stress about it. Talk to him SOME, not all the time. "Mommy's washing the dishes! You're fine, sweetie!" Hum to yourself, sing some songs. Dance a little, smile. If he sees that you think it's perfectly fine to be separated from him, he will start to feel like it's okay too.

NO MORE holding him while you shower. Your husband needs to watch this child while you shower, even if you have to get up earlier to do it. Never shower with him again. You are proving to this child that he cannot be trusted to be without you.

At night time, you need to switch to water in the bottle. No more milk. You will ruin his teeth giving him bottles of milk. He does not need milk in the middle of the night, ever. And no matter how much he cries, you don't get up. Put earplugs in your ears. Turn away from him and pretend to go back to sleep. Without that milk, he will stop waking up. After he stops waking for a bottle, you need to put him in a crib beside of you. Put your hand in between the slats and pat him until he wears himself out crying. Inside of two weeks, he'll be sleeping through the night in that crib beside you if you DO NOT GET UP and put him back into bed with you.

Your child deserves to learn how to self-soothe. He deserves the chance to understand that he is safe and secure without clutching onto you. And you need to give him that chance. He is depending on YOU to put him back asleep. This needs to stop.

Now, if you simply cannot find it in yourself to put him in a crib, then you'll be stuck co-sleeping for the next 3 years, at least. If you do, then for the sake of your c-section and the new baby, you need to put him on your husband's side of the bed, not beside you. He will not like it. Neither will your husband. No matter. He doesn't get to call the shots. Don't let him. He could kick you and tear stitches and cause you to have a fistula. Do this well before the baby comes so that he is used to sleeping beside his daddy. If you do it when you get back from the hospital, he will associate being separated from you with the baby coming, and will blame the baby for it.

If you don't have the courage to finally get this child out of your bed while you are still pregnant, then you had better start from the beginning with the new baby putting him or her in a crib. Start with a bassinet - it's better for a newborn and easier for you to deal with in terms of your c-section. Then transfer the infant to a crib. Not having your toddler in the bed beside you will also help you take care of your infant when you have to get up in the middle of the night. Have a warm receiving blanket or pad in the bed with you that you put under the baby to transfer him or her back into the crib after nursing or bottle feeding. That way the "cold crib" won't be an issue. And NEVER put a fully sleeping baby in the crib! Keep baby groggily awake so that she knows she is going down while in the crib. THAT'S how you begin sleep training. A baby that learns to fall asleep in the crib can fall asleep again after waking up in the crib. If you don't teach a baby this, they don't learn to self-soothe. Don't rock your baby to sleep either. It's okay to let a baby fuss to learn to go down.

Finally, your husband needs to get involved. You are allowing your child to diss his father. You are taking over so that your husband doesn't have the chance to be the daddy. Your husband has to learn to deal with his child on an ONGOING BASIS. You have to stop allowing your child to tell you what to do. And that's what you are allowing by giving into his demands. Children need limits. They need boundaries. You have to establish them. Your husband needs to spend time with this child without you, no matter how painful. He has to learn to help this little boy. LET HIM. Go out for a walk after dinner. Your husband could give him a bath and dress him for bed while you are out of the house. Read a book to him. He should do this every night until your son accepts him. No matter how painful this is for you and your husband and this child, DO IT. Right now, your husband isn't this little boy's father. He's the person who is in the house with his mother. That's not the way it should be. As he gets used to dad acting like a dad, he should spend time with your son while you are in the house, and you should not allow him to hang on you instead of being with his daddy.

This is boot camp for you and your husband to get ready for your hospitalization and a new baby coming home. Your child will hate the new baby if you don't change the dynamics in your home. You have 8 1/2 months to do this. Start now.

He is only one...this is very little still. But that said, you do need to work on teaching him to self soothe, sleep through the night, and be a big boy. This will be a very long, slow process and will be work on your part. You also need to let your husband take care of him instead of you half the time. Be out at bedtime once a week or so and let your husband put him to bed. Teach him that yes, you always come back and yes, he will be just fine with daddy. Don't give in an hold him in the shower! It's perfectly ok for him to cry. Tell him calmly, you are fine. You are too big for me to hold in the shower. Why don't you play with your cars here on the floor while mommy showers. Yes he will stand there and scream/cry the first x times but then he will learn all is fine and there is no need to cry. Start teaching him, mama! There are many books about how to teach your child to sleep alone. Pick a method and stick to it. I have a friend like you who always gave in with her son. She is a very sweet and sensitive person. She could not stand to let him cry. He is 7 now. She had her daughter when he was 5. He is a VERY VERY hard kid now...he always wants his way and has tantrums about it. Both kids sleep with her at night. Her son is extremely demanding and she still gives in. We live in different states now, but hearing her talk she feels close to her daughter but in many ways cannot stand her son. He makes her miserable. He refuses to go to school. He wants his way all the time. She never gets any sleep. She seems very unhappy most of the time. Don't let this happen to you! You are parent and you have to start teaching your son to be a big boy, that he cannot always get his way, that he will be fine without mama for periods of time, that sleeping in his own bed in his own room is a good thing, and that he does not need a bottle to get back to sleep. I would guess if you work hard on these things he will be doing great in a year from now. Good luck.

You have many months to help him make this transition, so the first thing you should do is to take some time to calm down and work this through.

Secondly, please understand that you need to learn more about child development. A one-year-old should not be waking up to eat 3 times a night. It's not necessary nutritionally, and it's very detrimental to his brain development. It's also terrible for his developing teeth, and you are setting him up for a childhood of dental work and cavities.

Next, you are completely sleep deprived if you are waking up 2-3 times a night as well, and you are at tremendous risk if you are driving your car. That's not safe for you, for him, or for others on the road. I can't imagine that this is good for your husband either - he's at tremendous risk as well.

You say you are meeting his needs - but, truly, you aren't. You are meeting your own need to not have him upset. This situation is totally of your own creation, as you admit when you say you have babied him and will continue to do so. But this is handicapping him.

I don't think you fully understand "cry it out" - you don't just let a child scream all the time. Please talk to the pediatrician about the fact that your child does not sleep at night and that he is feeding multiple times at night. Then talk to the pediatrician about the Ferber method and go to the library to get a book on it. It teaches you to help your child self-soothe and calm down - right now, your child is very anxious and screaming all the time, and can't be comforted by anyone, even his father. That's detrimental to a child, because kids need to know they are loved and cared for and safe with more than one person. Your son will bond with his father if you aren't home and if the child has no choice and if your husband has patience and gentleness.

You cannot continue to shower with a child - that's not sustainable. You can't life your life this way. And bottom line, it's just terrible for your child. That's without even considering a second baby in the mix.

Start now, today, to learn more about child development (emotional, physical, developmental). You can change this situation, one step at a time. You need to prioritize the things you want to change: co-sleeping, bottles, being with someone else, being allowed to be frustrated and not have you drop everything. Don't tackle them all at once. Choose a sensible order, get your plan in place with your husband, and then work together. The Ferber book will help you.

You have time to fix this so don't worry. The first thing is that he has no need to be getting bottles at night. When he wakes up offer a little water from a sippy cup and nothing else. He should be getting enough to eat and drink during the day to last him through the night.

Don't put him to bed already asleep. Get a routine going there you put him to bed and read him a story, rub him back, and tell him you'll see him in the morning. When you put them into bed asleep they don't learn how to self sooth..

As far as him not wanting anyone but you? Easy fix. Leave the house even if its to walk around the block. Pick up your stuff, give him a quick kiss and walk out the door. Your hubby will have to deal with him being upset but he'll figure out that there are others who can meet his needs. You've made it so his world revolves around you. Remember that there are other planets in his life.

You can work on things while he's around. Just have him help you. If you are cooking set him up with pots and pans on the floor so he can cook too. Or pull the high chair into the kitchen and give him cheerios to snack on while you cook.

First of all, your son is only 12 months. This behavior is absolutely, completely normal! He's just a baby himself!!! It's ok that he loves his mama and feels safe with his mama!!! Remember, 7 months is a long time to a kid who is only 12 months old. He will go through a ton of changes before baby is born.

I hate when people say that children need to learn to self-sooth. They will, and there is no reason to hurry them on this one. It's ok for you to help him get to sleep at night. Remember, he's still a baby. It's ok to baby him.

One thing you can do to give yourself a little space is to leave him with Daddy. I know it's hard because you see how upset your little guy is, but he needs to have a relationship with his dad. He will cry at first, but his dad will figure things out. What will help with this is for you to leave and do something. Go to the mall or take a walk or get a cup of coffee. Leave the house! Dad will figure it out, and they will both appreciate having a relationship.

It might sound strange, but I would keep holding him and keep loving him. This will help him to be more secure, which will help him let go. If he feels safe with you, he will begin to feel safe with you nearby and begin to feel safe exploring his world.

It's ok, really.

you should definitely not be holding him in the shower for the very fact that its just not reasonable. let him pitch a fit. and he'll come to understand that each night during that time he's away from you, you always come back. He'll learn that nothing bad will happen and he'll begin to build self confidence. But catering to his attachment issues will only make them worse. You're his parent, teach him to be brave even it means he cries at first....Reward him when he displays confidence and he will learn that doing things on his own reaps benefits for him. He'll catch on....

Here's the thing. You have taught your infant everything he is doing. Have you considered that you have trained him to only want you? That you don't do anything to break this chain of behavior?

Of course he wants his mommy, you're his only companion.

You need to do things like go out for the evening and let dad manage kiddo. Just tell dad he can do it and give him a few ideas of how to distract the little guy but he needs to develop his own "thing" too. Kiddo will be reminded of you with every toy, every action, and he needs to learn to be with others.

I would also just like to say that this is why mom's need time alone. You are a person and need time as an adult. You should be able to have someone watch him while you go to your OB/GYN appointments. Do you really want to have him sitting there while the doc is checking your pregnancy?

You should be able to go to lunch with your friends, have some time to go to the grocery store without having to carry a kiddo with you, have things that are for you and not all mommy time things.

Take your child to a Mother's Day Out program one day per week. It can even just be 9am-noon or something to start with. He needs time away from you too, so he can learn to adapt to other situations and people.

You should be taking him out to story time at your local library, play dates with other kids his age, do things with friends that have kids so he can get used to being around other people and see you in a different light.

The more you go out and do things and expose him to other situations and people the more he will fight it at first. But he will get used to being around other people.

You are the one that has to break the habits you've taught him. Lesson learned, don't do this with your next child.

You have gotten some excellent advice below. I will add to it to emphasize that you need to start NOW. If you wait until the baby comes, then he will associate the baby with your change in habits. And then he will resent the baby. And then you'll be writing us to say "I think my son hates his baby sister, what do I do?" Make changes now, stick with them, and never ever blame the changes on the baby.

Start now. Prioritize what you want to change - personally, I'd start by helping him to get comfortable with his dad, so dad can help when the new baby is born. Leave him home with his dad while you take a 10 minute walk every night for a few days. Then increase the amount time - maybe take 30 min to go grocery shopping. Then increase it to an hour. Yes he might cry the whole time (at first, he almost surely will). But the only way for him to learn that dad can take care of him and that when you leave, you always come back is for you to actually leave and then come back - over and over again. Do it. Start now.

Start now, getting him used to being with dad. Just head out for a walk, go on a errand, go out with friends for coffee ... just do it.

I am guessing your husband may be part of the problem. My good friend had this same problem. She could not leave her daughter with anyone so I actually flew to her city so that she could get a hair cut when her baby was 5 months. Her husband was too nervous I think to be left with a young baby so he never had.

I looked after her baby for 3 hours. She cried. I dealt with it. She'd never taken a bottle from anyone else. She did for me. A confident nurturing person will be able to take your son for you and be able to handle his upset. It will be ok. So if your husband is not up for the challenge, do you have a family member or someone else who could take him?

As for the bottles in the night. I had one who was like this. My first. I ended up offering water in the night and that ended his need for bottles at night. You have to be firm. Mine was only having one a night, so you may have a challenge where it's 2/3 times a night. But water works.

As for crying it out, I did this with my first also. It worked (mostly) but it was horrible. I then read that people take Ferberizing to an extreme. Dr. Ferber actually re-communicated what he meant years later. You're never to leave your baby crying with the door closed. He just meant that it will be different for everyone and may take months for some - but you just leave them to settle for longer and longer periods. So with my other babies, I let them fuss (not cry). That's what I could handle and what they could handle, and it worked much better. And it took the same amount of time - about a week.

You are getting way ahead of yourself. He's only one...in 7 months he will be so differen and so much more independent. Personally, I would do nothing different. I would give him all the attention he needs and craves right now. Make him a secure toddler and he'll know you are coming back to him.

My youngest was with me 24/7 until she went to 3 yo nursery school. I thought it may be a hard transition because she was so attached to me. She actually loved preschool and the first week I changed her schedule from 2 days a week to 3 days a week. I would have done 5 days had they offered it. It really surprised me how well she adjusted but I chalked it up to her being so secure since we were always together for the first three years. (FYI...I nursed her until she was 3 too...we were really close)

Sorry, I didn't read your entire question because it was hard to follow -- please try to use paragraphs in the future.

To answer your question based off your title and little bits of information that stood out to me, realistically, it's hard to prepare a 12 month old for a new baby -- he's not really going to understand right now. So I wouldn't worry about preparing him for a new baby just yet. Wait until your closer to your due date. By then he will be a different kid and he will be able to understand so much more.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son, my daughter was 22 months. I didn't say anything to her until maybe the third trimester. Even then, it was still hard for her to fully grasp what was going on.

I didn't want to make my daughter cry it out either. At ten months, I had to. We never did the cosleeping thing, but I was in her room constantly every night - she couldn't self soothe. Letting her cry it out was incredibly hard, but it was the best thing I ever did. She's almost 15 now and she'd sleep all the time if I let her. You need to let dad or a sitter take care of him for intervals, too. At first, 20 minutes, then 45, then an hour... Teach him to separate and soothe now before the baby comes or your "abandonment" will always be associated with this new baby.

It's impossible to spoil a child that young.
Separation anxiety is common at that age and it would happen any way no matter what you do.
You're going to have your hands full with 2 babies at one time.
Your newborn might be less demanding initially - but you're going to get it from both sides fairly simultaneously.
As the adults - you and Hubby will have to divide and conquer as much as possible.
Sometimes the kids are going to cry/scream.
As long as they are safe - if you have something important to do - cook/clean/use the bathroom/etc - let them scream while you get what needs to be done done.
They'll adjust eventually.
So will you.