How Do I Motivate an Obstinate 9 Year Old?

Well - she's 9.
Most kids that age are not going to self regulate with getting ready - you have to stay on top of them - keep them on track - one or two tasks at a time.

Some kids are 16 before they can manage this stuff on their own and others make it to college before they get their act together.
While in elementary school you set when she does things and how long to do them - if you have to stand there and watch her do it then that's what you do.
Isn't parenting grand!?!

It's important to establish that perks are constantly earned by good behavior like getting homework and chores done.
If she hasn't earned any perks (screen/device time) then she gets none.
Also when she gets home - she gets a snack and then homework starts.
No tv or play time until homework is finished.
"The quickest way to fun is to get the work done"

It's going to be a process to get into this groove but once it's established it should gradually get easier.
By 5th grade she might be able to handle a little more on her own - but this varies quite a bit from one kid to the next - your millage will vary.

What is she doing during those 2 hours in the morning? My 9 year old will want to get on the ipad and watch cartoons. I say no ipad till you 1. eat breakfast, 2. brush teeth, 3. brush hair, and 4. get dressed. That motivates her. I even made her a cute list with the 4 things on it. She keeps it next to her bed. Some kids are just really stubborn and don't want to ever give in. My son was like this at age 9 and it was not pleasant. I still didn't give in...he has a lot of yelling fits and got sent to his room a lot at that age. He outgrew this.

I would try making the restrictions or punishments or consequences more logical. Removing electronics makes sense when a kid has logged on to your Amazon account and bought something without asking, or when the kid demonstrates that he or she is not careful with the internet (she shared personal info online, or looked at sites that your family has declared off-limits). Grounding works if a kid lies about being at friend A's house when she really was at the mall with friend B, or if a curfew is violated.

If she doesn't clean her room, remove any extra stuff in it (leave a bed, chair/desk, basic lamp) and tell her she won't get toys or fun pillows or curtains or rugs for her room since her stuff is obviously too much to clean.

If she won't brush her teeth, take her to a dentist and let the professional teach her and motivate her, and make her accountable to the dentist (come back in a month and get a good checkup). Clean teeth are their own reward.

If she won't do her homework, even after you remind her, let the teacher deal with that. Eventually she won't be allowed to go on a field trip, or she won't have recess, or she'll stay back a grade while her friends progress to the next grade.

If she's not ready for school, then she's tardy and I'm sure the school has a consequence for that.

Let her go out of the house with messy hair - peer pressure will probably motivate her to brush her hair once a few classmates ask her what happened to her hair.

Have a conversation with her and remember that she's still very young, but that she's capable of more responsibility. Make a chart for the morning. Make a chart for after school with her responsibilities clearly laid out. Help her, but don't do things for her. Remind her that by doing what she's supposed to do, she will earn privileges (sleep overs, going to a friend's house, etc), and by not doing some basic self-care, she will lose the privilege of independence, because a person who can't comb their own hair and pick up their own dirty clothes or brush their own teeth or be on time for things certainly can't be trusted to go to a friend's house or the mall or a movie.

Hygiene - kids don't get it at this age. I'd put a reminder list in the bathroom (either written or with little icons, like pictures of a toothbrush and a bar of soap/dispenser) with a reward chart, and I'd have the dentist and pediatrician (and their assistants) talk to her when she's there.

Cleaning the room - it depends what you mean by that. "Clean your room" can be too general and therefore overwhelming for many kids. Breaking it down into manageable steps helps. Putting storage bins or baskets (labeled by category of toy) can help - we had a bin for Legos, one for toy cars/trucks, one for stuffed animals, etc. Some things were mixed in together (like all cars & trucks & vehicles, not separated by Match Box vs. some other brand/size) so there weren't too many categories. If her dirty clothes are all over the floor, put a hamper or a laundry basket in her closet or in the corner. If she can't organize the clean clothes, put dividers in her drawers or closet, even if you use old shoeboxes, so that socks are in one and underpants in another, tee shirts in a third one, etc. My son did well with a second closet bar at a lower height, and a set of those hanging shelves so that not everything was up high. A slotted divider from the office supply store can help hold books upright on a bookshelf so that things don't fall over if she takes one out. One on her desk can help organize homework materials like pads, library books, etc. A shoe bag (with see-through pockets) hung inside the closet door is good for shoes, but also for hair stuff or whatever else is on the floor. My neighbor put a towel bar on the back of the bedroom doors so the wet towels at least got off the floor and bed even if they never made it into the bathroom. Now, when you send her in to clean, pick one area on Monday (toys), another on Tuesday (stuff that goes in the shoe bag), another on Wednesday (dirty clothes into the hamper and the hamper into the laundry room.

Now, anything she can't find is her problem. So, if her good clothes sit on the floor or under the bed and she doesn't have her favorite shirt for Friday's school pictures, "Oh well. How unfortunate for you." If she pitches a fit, don't get emotional or start over-explaining. "How unfortunate for you that you decided to leave it on the floor." Also start teaching her to do her own laundry. When she runs out of clothes, she'll get the idea. There's no rule that a kid can't wear jeans more than once in between washings, or a wrinkled shirt. Let it happen.

Late getting ready to go to school? We solved that one in one day, by telling our son he was supposed to take the bus. If he missed it, I'd take him in when I was ready (not when he demanded it). I reminded him that late arrivals don't go to the classroom, but to the office to check in. I then added that he needed to explain his tardiness to the principal, and that I was sure she'd be happy to hear his explanation of why it wasn't important to come to school on time. That did it. I didn't yell or scream, I didn't threaten or take away. I just reminded him of the school rule. (If he'd refused to get ready, I'd have called the principal to give her a head's up that a quick meeting was in order with my son, and she would have helped out.)

So, my advice is to set a priority list, and address these problems one at a time, no more than one per week.

I have never found removing things (like toys) super helpful .. we've done it on occasion if we found that they weren't getting things done and as a reward for things. For example, no electronics until homework is done. No going out with friends until room is cleaned.

We'll all watch a movie once your chores are done. That sort of thing. Taking away electronics for a month? that's just going to result in a pissed off child who is sullen and unmotivated in general. What's the point she must be feeling.

Rewards are far more motivating.

As for not being into clean hair, etc. some kids don't get it at that age. I have a relative who is a hair stylist, and she said that's the age when most parents start really letting their kids take over the grooming responsibilities (we did) and kids come in with the grossest hair (unclean, as in they don't really know how to do it - it hasn't all clicked yet).

I have to remind my kids to put on deodorant, make their beds, clean their rooms, etc. as tweens. You just do. Some kids are fastidious and into this. Some aren't. I also don't think all girls are - mine not.

Sometimes it's a maturity thing. For mine, clicked a bit later.

I would stop punishing. That's not going to make being clean/organized/motivated be seen in a positive light. Figure out what's important to her and reward her when she shows progress. Progress is not perfection. Help her out more - 2 hours in morning seems too much to me. That's overkill. Help her - I still have to blow dry one of my tween's hair. I have to say "Did you get your stuff together?". I have to do that with some of my teens some days.

good luck :) your child is not the only one!

First, you really need to pick your hills to die on. Brushing hair is not a hill to die on. Neither is room cleaning. Homework is. (of course, these are my 2 cents)

It sounds like she is child who doesn't respond to removing privileges. Frustrating, but common. Instead, work towards allowing her to earn privileges. Make it the rule in your house that all screen time, including TV, must be earned in 30 minute increments. If she doesn't want to earn it, fine, but then it is HER choice to not have access to those things, rather than turning them into a punishment. Homework must be done when walking in the door. Period. I gave my kids until a certain time to finish at that age. If they wanted to sit and stare at the table, so be it. I held up my end of the bargain - giving enough time and assistance to get the homework done, but you can't MAKE them do it. You may want to talk to the teacher about what consequences are given for not finishing work so that way you know that there is something waiting for her at school if she isn't getting the work done (staying in at recess, missing a field trip, etc).

Same with being ready in the morning - for every 5 minutes she is running behind, deduct 5 minutes off of bedtime. I always told the kids if morning is rough, you must need more sleep and that their ability to get ready in a timely manner dictated how late they got to go to bed. Again, HER decision - she gets ready on time, great, she goes to bed at the normal time. If not, well she is choosing an earlier bedtime for her actions of running behind in the morning.

Finally, if there are certain "family chores" she is expected to do and she refuses, then I guess I just did them for the kid but they missed out on the weekend family fun thing. I'd hire a sitter for the kiddo who thought they didn't have to do whatever their family chore was - usually assigned to be completed on a weekend and the rest of us who did their chores got to enjoy the benefits of having a fun time going to a show or something. I just did the chore myself and shrugged my shoulders and said no movie for you today (or whatever our weekend fun thing was) and moved on. No yelling, no shaming, no scolding.

Don't turn everything into a power struggle.

Good luck.

"Clean her room" - exactly what is causing such a problem in the room of a nine-year-old that "cleaning" is an issue? Whatever the problem is, just remove it. Too many toys? Too many stuffed animals? Things like that can be stored in toy boxes elsewhere and brought into her room a few at a time. If you are effectively using her bedroom as a storage room, don't be surprised if it becomes overwhelming for her...try to figure out a better system, rather than making a nine-year-old responsible for organizing so much stuff (even if it is "her stuff", she's nine and she should not be responsible for so many "pieces").

"Not be ready to go when it's time to leave" - by whose definition of "ready" is she "not ready"? Is she heading out the door on time but you think she is "not ready" because she has not styled her hair to your standards? Be very careful about sending a message that appearance is more important than showing up for school on time! Hair is just hair, and really it can look fine many ways, and even brushed hair can get tousled on a windy day.

As for her teeth, more frequent dental appointments might be in order if it's really a problem, but otherwise just make sure she has a healthy diet.

Not doing homework, is an issue which will have consequences at school, and those consequences will intensify as she heads into the middle school years. So, think about the stuff above - how much time/energy/thought you are expecting her to spend on organizing her room and on arranging her appearance - and make sure that you block out plenty of time and space for her to focus on homework. (Another reason to get her room cleared out - if she has a desk in her room and you expect her to do homework in her room, you should definitely remove any clutter that is making it harder for her to focus.)