I have been friends with this woman for 30 years. She has dreadful taste in men. So, I have become practiced in hndling her less-than-desireable boyfriends. I am great at telling her she is welcome but he is not.
Now, the sitution has turned. Her new male friend is a doll. Nice, sweet, caring, considerate, he's an all arond lovely guy who really loves her. So, she, not surprisingly is terrible to him. And, I hate it. Their relationship is none of my business, I know. But, she wants to have him at family events and I am more than happy to have him - now it is her I wish I could ban.
I just can't stand the way she treats him. Yes, I have said as much quite directly to her. I have told him to his face, in front of her, that he should find a woman who will love him. She agreed.
Do I just cut her off until this passes (eventually he'll wise up, right?)
She says she is looking for a girlfriend for him... Anyone want him? He's not good looking but he is smart, well educated, considerate, caring, emplyed, non drinking etc etc....
You guys are a riot! That is why I post questions like this here! Toni v cracked me up. So I call my friend out on her stuff and I ask for input so that makes me a terrible friend? Funny. Reverend Ruby nailed it, she needs counseling - which I have been recommending for years - not because I think I am better or smarter than she, but because she really does need help. I really care about her but sometimes her self destructive turns are too much to take I back off for my own protection (not to mention to not expose my kids to it.) I am just reaching the end of my rope on this latest turn. She does not usually hurt others. I have voiced my piece to them both and will probably leave them out of holiday gatherings this year. He DOES have a counselor, just learned so now I feel better that he will move on.
Thanks for playing everyone!
You could just continue with the rule that she can come but the boyfriend can't. Then you wouldn't have to see any of this.
But like the others have said, consider whether you want to continue this friendship.
I have a rule. When I have to start "managing" a friend, and being appalled by their consistent behaviors...I will no longer be calling them a friend. You can pick your friends, and you are not stuck with them. I would never associate with someone who has no problem treating people like dirt. That's not only a reflection on her, but the company she keeps. (Meaning, you...the friend.)
i don't get this friendship at all.
maybe i should post the question, why are there so many questions on here with women wondering how to handle certain friendships, when it really just comes down to they aren't real friendships at all, just people they spend time with....???? i have to ask why? when two people have zero in common and don't even really like each other...why!?
i just don't get it.
Let's be honest-- if you cut her off, you cut her off. I don't think there's a way that you can uninvite her until she dates loser guys she'll behave around again, unless you really stop talking about parts of your life. When you have parties or family events, you probably won't be able to tell her about them and have things still be cool between you.
I think you have to decide how much you want to be friends with her. Many of us watch our friends go through rough phases, some of them recover, some don't. Is this a phase for her, or is she always like this?
And I'm sorry to say, but it's really cruel to be looking for a new girlfriend for one's own boyfriend. I've been manipulated in this way, slightly differently, but still-- and that gal was a whack job.Time to ask yourself the hard questions.
I couldn't stand to be around someone like her, 30 years of friendship or not. She even tells him she is looking for a girlfriend for him. Yes, dump her. Instead, invite him to your parties without her. I wouldn't pick the friendship back up, to be quite honest.
Dawn
When a person treats others badly, you can't trust that you won't be next. She is not healthy to be around and it's ok to let this relationship go. Also, you could keep the guy as a friend. I broke up with a jerk and got to keep some of the friends :)
Your friend needs counseling. She has become so comfortable being treated badly by men that she expects it, so when a man is good to her she treats him badly so he will treat her badly and then she knows how to handle him. It's all a part of the domestic violence cycle. She has probably been in this cycle since childhood.
With the help of a good counselor and some reading she will learn how to have healthy relationships.
Maybe back away slowly...take some space. If she asks you why you haven't been in as much contact, maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart.
adamsmama, you made me laugh!
and I post friendship questions myself:0))
Sit down and ask yourself: Is she really your friend because you like her? Have things in common with her that are NOT just memories of 30 years together but are based on common interests, opinions, tastes? Do you like to spend time with her because she makes you laugh, or you make her laugh, or she always says something interesting?
In other words -- Take the men, this one and all the "dreadful" ones, out of the picture, and are you and she friends? Or is your "friendship" really more a matter of "We've known each other and invited each other places for 30 years"?
If she makes your life better by being in it, then don't cut her off, but you should be able to tell her, "I see you and X together and when you say you want to find him a girlfriend -- honestly, I can't tell if you're serious. When you say that and other things I wonder what's going on and I just want to let you know I'm here to talk about whatever this issue is that has you acting so differently around him and being negative about this relationship."
But if you cannot tell her that, well, you and she are just people who have known each other a long time and gotten used to having each other around. But that is not a friendship if the only basis is "we're used to each other." It's not a friendship if you can't tell her you're worried about her and care enough to tell her so.
And if it's not a friendship, cool it off. Don't invite her (or him without her) any more. Try seeing her on her own in neutral territory -- not at some family event but where it's just you and her -- and see if there might be something about her you actually still like enough to keep seeing her, but I wonder if there is.
Well, you're not asking whether to end the friendship or not, and you've known this kook for thirty years. (Don't worry I have some long-time friends with some not so desirable traits...as in...they
are my friends, but I certainly wouldn't marry them if I were a man :)
So. Really...banning her from events is silly. Unless you want to end the friendship. Since you're keeping the friend, you can just continue to side with the guy in a frank-sort-of-joking-but-not manner and offer him support and wait for him to get sick of her. If the whole thing is just too disturbing for you to witness, and you hate investing time into hearing the nonsense, then just avoid them both for a while. Luckily you sound open and frank about things, so whatever you choose will work out for you. Poor guy! I know lots of sweet men who have shrews for spouses. And lots of sweet women with a-holes. I guess opposites really do attract sometimes...
I'd try and stay out of it.
