How Do I Handle This Family Member?

Is it possible, just possible, that she really could not handle the load you were placing on her? She flew all the way out to help you and when she could not keep up with your schedule she probably felt like a failure. If I were you (and I have been) I would let it go and accept my sister for who she is, limitations and all, and just love her. When I let go of who I thought my sister should be, and just accepted her flaws as part of her, I found all the anger and hate I had once had was replaced with love, and maybe even a little understanding.

You sound a lot like my little sister who frequently expects and asks for tons of help and favors from everyone else around her but really never bothers to return the same help in kind. It was not until I started to say no to helping her with her crazy family schedule that she started to appreciate the help that I did offer.

It sounds like you dumped a huge expectation of having someone, anyone in your family, step in and just fill your shoes as if they are all as capable and competent as keeping up with your schedule as you are.

When I was seriously injured in a car accident that took years to recover from I completely revamped and simplified our lives, b/c I knew I could not rely on people to permanently lend us a helping hand.

I think in hindsight you could have suspended many of your children's activities/therapies until you were feeling up to and ready to take them yourself. Since your sister is in the midst of her own living nightmare, I honestly think you expected way too much from her. I would recommend you stop and think about what she is good at, what she can accomplish, and you should have asked for help more suitable to her abilities. There needs to be a lot more mutual respect for one another. She did you a huge favor dropping her own life commitments and coming to help you like she has done already, and all she did was not meet your expectations???? This is the classic, 'it's never good enough' syndrome.

I think the owness is on you to apologize for expecting too much. It's a shame that you could not be there for her emotionally enough to connect and see her coming to this point of needing to leave on such nasty terms.

You are not alone in your feelings and frustrations. I have a selfish mother - my younger sister had a miscarriage and ended up in the hospital with a blood infection. They didn't know if it was potentially fatal or not. Sis is ok, but mom STILL hasn't been to see her (she lives about 5 hours away) and it's been 4 YEARS. My husband and I were both in Midtown Manhattan on Sept.11. We let everyone know we were ok and the people we couldn't reach and left messages ALL called us within 12-24 hours - except my mother who called 2.5 days later because "she knew I was ok".

I haven't cut her out of my life 100%, but it's about 98%. I am polite, but she is not someone I call when I need help. I have replaced her with my MIL and older sister. I would never leave my son with her alone. My husband has only spent 1 day around her and that was our wedding day. He supports me 100% because of who she is and what she's done (or hasn't done).

You need to minimize your exposure to toxic people - even if they are family. Blood doesn't make family, actions also make family. You can love your sister but not like her. It will take a lot of time to get past your feelings. All you can do is be polite, and by your actions others will see that she's the nutjob - because I assume she's not behaving in a lovely way with everyone else either. Be the bigger person, minimize contact. Accept that you will not have the type of person you want as a sister or as a mother. It hurts and takes a LONG time to deal with, but it's possible, and you will feel MUCH better in the end.

Feel free to message me if you need to vent :)

Take care

First, it doesn't sound like you wanted your sister there. And it also doesn't sound like you did anything to help make her job easier, like cutting back on some of your kids' activities or work out carpooling with other parents from school.

Second, it's clear she didn't live up to your expectations, but she did "help" you during this time - isn't that what you asked for - some help? Due to her immaturity, difficult time in her own life and being thrown into this situation with no prep, it sounds to me like she did the best she could.

Third, maybe she wasn't the best person to come help, but guess what, SHE CAME! She was there for you and did the best she could.

I think you need to cut her some slack. And that maybe you need to reassess what it means to HELP someone in need...it shouldn't mean become you, it means to do what you can to help someone get back on their feet.

I understand that we don't know all the history and facts regarding this situation. So to answer your question, I think you should call her. I think you should thank her for everything she did. And I think that you should apologize for being so hard on her. No matter what it sounds like she was one of the only people helping you and your family when you needed it most.

You don't have to apologize for every little detail. But just saying you're sorry and you appreciated her help would go a long way towards mending your relationship. No one expects you two to be BFFs.

Try to appreciate your sisters GOOD qualities. Remember the Golden Rule - Treat others like you want to be treated.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

I can really see why your mother avoided coming and why she is crying. If playing the "blame game -- poor me card" has worked for you in the past, that ship has sailed with your family.

If I was a member of your church dropping off food as a Christian act, dealing with all the drama in your home, would make me want to put the food on the door step, ring the bell and RUN! I would then immediately go to my pastor and let him/her know that your family is in need of so much more then food. The problems that you and your family are dealing with are WAY beyond the scope of non-professional advice.

I wouldn't want to come to your house either. There is so much going on that you need HIRED help even when you are not ill.

I do suggest forgiveness because that is as much for your peace as it is to the people you forgive.

I think you should skip family events until you feel stronger and mended fences with your family. This could take a long time.

You describe you sister as "a mess" and that may be true. Honestly, you sound like a pretty big mess yourself. "People who live in glass houses"..... It's clear to me why your mother did not want to come and sending your sister was a mistake, but she was probably doing the best she could.

I hope in time you and your family can resolve past hurts and have some peace.

Blessings.....

When my sister and I were not speaking, it was WORSE when the family kept nagging. I would tell them that you (but you cannot speak for her) will be civil at family events but that they just need to leave it be.

In the future, I would not ask family to come during a medical crisis. I would have said, "Thanks, sis, but friend L is going to help us out. I know you have a lot going on."

I wonder if there's more going on, like how you really wanted your MOM and neither you nor your sister were in a very good place at that time? Maybe no one realized all you have going on or what was expected. If your mom was the go-between, then maybe she suggested to your sis that she do some light housework and sis didn't realize you really needed something else. Or maybe your mom is just manipulative and selfish and will never change.

I think you need to regroup. My sister and I decided to get along at family events, and eventually one Easter we started joking about something and the ice broke. It just needed time and lack of other interference. Maybe you can appeal to the other members' love of your children. "For the kids' sakes, let's behave at family functions, and let's leave the discussion between me and sis and not everyone else.'

And then you get to decide what new boundaries are needed.

You can forgive, but that doesn't mean you accept any blame.

It can be very, very hard for people without children to get their heads around the needs of young children. When my older sister comes, she will not change a single diaper (I have 2 still in diapers, and one 6 year old). It came as a surprise and she helps in other ways, but I imagine she'd sulk if I were to ask her to do everything I normally do....even if she initially said she WOULD help. She just doesn't "get" it.

Your parents have no business calling you crying right now. They want YOU to comfort THEM about your falling-out with your sister. I know parents mean well, but we'd all do well to remember (when our kids are grown) that whatever goes on between siblings is NOT about us! *sigh*

If any of this comes up at your Grandmother's birthday, you can say "I am sorry that sis didn't realize how much I'd need her to do." If anyone pushes, you can say that having the kids miss school wasn't really your best option.. Again, anyone pushes, you can say, "I'm sorry but I can't talk about this just now."

I can understand you being angry with your sister. I don't really understand hating her and never wanting to see her again. I wish you the best. At this point, I suggest you focus on healing and your family.

Does your sister have children..it doesnt sound like she does. She is probably not able to put herself in your shoes and probably thinks your being too demanding but your not being too demanding these are just normal days for a mom. Hang in there and feel better.

Everything depended on HOW you asked her to help out. Were you demanding? Did she have heads up what YOUR schedule was or looked like, or was it just pawned on her one after the other a list of "stuff" she had to do.

You were sick, your sister did NOT have to come since you did prefer your mother, and she came and helped you out as best as she could. I believe if you communciated with her ahead of time what to expect and then not judge her ability to do so based on thinking she is 18yrs instead of 36, then she might have been a bit more receptive.

I was not there and there are always two sides to a story, but from what you wrote, it seem you didn't like her from beginning, didn't like the fact that SHE came instead of your mother, and when she did come, was a bit annoyed you had to depend on her for anything.

I would suggest you call her and thank her for taking the time to fly all the way to help you out and apologize to her for asking her to do too much. Let her know you realize she does not have 3 kids and it can seem overwhelming all the stuff you have to do. Let her know you were feeling out of control with being unable to do for yourself, to drive, your husband being sick, children needs care, you are upset about your weight and you can't stand the idea of having to see your family soon.

I believe all the stuff you are talking about your sister is irrelevant to the fact you really needed some good help and was at a loss for what you got. You could not expect your sister who doesn't handle your kids 24/7 to jump right in and do it perfectly as you would in just a couple days. I am sorry you were not able to get that much needed help, but don't take it out on your sister. I am just giving honest feedback based on what you wrote.

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If she doesn't have children I am sure your sister was overwhelmed. She probably thought she was coming to help you but didn't anticipate she was taking over for a week or more. You or your Mom should have explained it to her in greater detail.

I would tell your mom that you are sorry she is upset; however, your sister was sent to help you after you asked that she not come and you only asked her to get the kids where they needed to go and she couldn't even do that. That was the help you needed and she couldn't or wouldn't provide. Tell her she left of her own free will and you certainly aren't going to not speak to her but it is not your fault. Don't get into the blame game with her.

When you see your sister say something like "I am sorry you feel I was out of line. I thought you were there to help me and I was only asking you to do what I needed done, I am sorry if it was too much for you. I was also hurt at what you said about me but you are my sister and lets move past it".

Before the party, explain to your mom and your sister separately, that you asked her to do simple errands that you would normally do.
My goodness, it wasn't like you asked her to re-roof your house or something.
Then go to the party and put a smile on your face, be polite and gracious.
Then the ball is in their court--where it should be!
That's ridiculous. You did nothing wrong.

Tell them all exactly where they can get off.
Your sister at 36 is apparently still not ready to be an adult and she was in shock you actually expected her to fill in for you rather than just sit in front of a tv and baby sit the kids.
Tell them you'll apologies for any imagined insult they dreamed up just as soon as your sister apologizes for being incompetent self centered boob.

Maybe the issue is a disconnect between what your sister thought she'd be doing to help, and then what all you asked her to do was very different from that. As a busy Mom with kids at 2 different schools across town, I do get the school and errand running stuff. It's different when you aren't used to that kind of lifestyle. Your sister may have been thinking of folding laundry and making you lunch, reading to the kids, helping out around the house. She wasn't expecting what you asked her to, so it caught her off guard. Driving is stressful to a lot of people. Driving to unfamiliar places, several of them, is stressful. Getting small kids in a child seat takes getting use to. Driving in bad weather, with time deadlines, some people are just extremely tense on that. Plus you know she is going through a very rough time herself. I don't think your Mom should have just sent her to show up without even understanding and talking to her about the kind of help you would need. I will say that she should have reacted more adult-like and not stormed off, but given the stress level in her own life, I think you should reach out to her and tell her you are sorry you put so much on her. Because it is your daily life, you just assumed she could jump right in, you should have asked her first how much she was up to helping with, and maybe found another classmate's parent to help with some of the school and activity shuttling.

Sounds like she doesn't have kids and had no idea what a busy schedule three children can have. You were expecting your mom, who would have understood how crazy it can be day to day.

I understand your frustration as I had a major back injury the end of last year and even though I have family in town...they were clear that they resented me asking them to help me out. (All I needed was someone to occasionally pick up my daughter from preschool one day a week at most...or maybe drop her off). So, I had to pull my preschool daughter out of all of her activities and my husband had to step up and help with my son in school (getting ready for the bus in the mornings, etc).

I have six family members in less than a two mile radius and no one would step in...if you don't forgive her it will just eat at you, not at her.

You will have to be the bigger person and let it go...you needed help and she didn't or wasn't capable of giving it. You are only hurting yourself...go to the party, see her and be civil.

I am sorry everyone let you down...but don't let it keep eating at you. Sending you a great big hug!!

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I think that you are going to have to forgive your family. You need to forgive them for being selfish and thinking of themselves, your mother most of all. Your mother needs to realize that she sent one of her daughters to help the other when neither was in a spot to help anyone. Your sister was going through a very rough patch and should not have been expected to be helpful and you needed help. You told your mother that wasn't going to work and she chose that route anyways. Your sister was thrown into a situation she was not ready to handle. She couldn't handle her own problems, much less her own problems while dealing with your busy life. Your schedule may not be bad for you, but trying to do it when you can't wrap your mind around your own problems would be down right impossible. Do I think your sister handled it correctly by screaming, storming out and not speaking to you? No, not at all. However I don't get how everyone can blame you now. You asked your mom for help and she delegated your sister and it was a disaster. Nothing to hold over your head. I do think that you need to forgive them, but from experience forgiving is a lot easier than forgetting. I think you (if you want a relationship with your sister) is going to have to take the high road, but I don't think you should have too. I know this wasn't very helpful, but again I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Family as much as you love them can be very difficult...

It is too bad that this situation happened. It sounds like that there was not a clear understanding ahead of time as to what your sisters responsibilities would be to help you out during this time. Had she known what you expected, she might have chosen not to have come to "help out".

I broke my ankle when I had a 3 yr. old and 3 mo. old and was nursing. My f-in law came every day from 9 - 3pm. He got things for me (I was on crutches) and made lunches for my older son and myself. He couldn't drive the kids anywhere or take them to activities.

The first thing I did was to open my calendar and cancel all activities for my children for 6 weeks. I understand that you cannot cancel grade school for your older child.

I would say I am sorry to your sister and that you apologize for blowing up. Family is forever and our attitudes towards situations can always change.

Both of you need to move on and realize that the 2 of you are not the same people - both in how you handle situations and in your own daily life.

What a rough situation, and how incredibly unfair for you. You'll need some time and distance from the heat you feel over this, but do work toward forgiveness. It's not for your sister, it's for your own well-being. Much easier on the heart and mind than bitterness.

There's a wonderful process called The Work that you can do, at no cost, when it's convenient for you, in the privacy of your own home. Check out the website (www.theWork.org) to get some free downloadable worksheets and a guide on how to use them. Fill out Judge Your Neighbor worksheets on everything that has to do with your sister and anyone else who you feel has contributed to this situation. Really let them have it, on paper. Then do the four questions and the turnarounds, and see if you don't feel a little less aggrieved, burdened, and in less emotional pain. A little freer, lighter, and clearer than before.

It takes a bit of practice to learn to do the Work effectively, but baby steps are a fine start. You can also watch numerous videos on this site of people doing the work in front of an audience. They are surprising, enlightening, and often funny.

I wish you peace.

Maybe this will help? Hope so :)
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Difficult-Relatives