What do you do when your child does not want to / refuses to visit their father / other parent? There is NO reason for my son to feel uncomfortable with his dad. His dad is not the most attentive guy, but he isn't uncaring, doesn't harshly discipline him, etc. My son visits his dad at his paternal grandmother's house where he loves to go - he has a 2 year old cousin that lives there that he loves to death, so he even has a playmate there. And oftentimes, they all do fun things, go fun places together. But sometimes, he just refuses to go. And thus far, when he has refused to go, no one forces him, because the concensus is that if he is forced to go when he is adamant that he doesn't want to, that it will create a viscious cycle of him getting hysterical every time he is expected to go. So he has been allowed to not go when he doesn't want to. I certainly see the pitfall to this way of thinking, because it allows him to choose not to go, then everyone is upset, including me. Of course we try all the encouraging tactics we can come up with, to include the occasional bribery, but as you probably know, bribery doesn't even work if they don't want to do something enough.
And just another little detail - we don't have any formal visitation set up. We have been able to just work together to do what works best for both of our schedules. And some days, when my son is supposed to go see his dad, he is with my mom because I am working. And he has a particularly difficult time separating from my mom. When he's with me, I can usually coax him into going, but my mom has a much harder time "forcing" him to go. And usually on the days when my mom has him, it's his other grandmother who comes to pick him up, and neither grandmother wants to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, especially if he's hysterical. So she will stay and visit for a bit, and he doesn't have to go. Also of note, is that my son hasn't lived with his dad since he was 6 months old, so "visiting" him has been something he has always done, although until recently when his father and I "officially" split up - we were never married, I would be there when he would visit his dad. Now, he goes without me, although I will stay and visit a little with his grandmother, who is my good friend.
Please help. I just don't know how to best handle this. It's stressful for everyone.
Thank you all for the words of wisdom... and many of you were right with the notion that my son is trying to be in control. I do think that is a big part of it. He has realized that he can basically call the shots with regard to going or not going. And when I'm home and the one dropping him off, I do just matter-of-factly drop him off, tell him I'll be back in a while, and tell him to go play or whatever, and there usually isn't much incident. He may get a little teary, and say he'll miss me, but again, I just unemotionally tell him he's silly, I'll be back in no time, and usually he's fine. For whatever reason, probably the grandma's have special privileges thing, my mom doesn't seem as able to do this, and often, she is the one with him when the transition to see his dad takes place. She tries convincing him, i.e. makes a picture with him to take to daddy, or tells him how sad daddy will be if he doesn't get to see him, basically all the angles, but ultimately, if he says he doesn't want to go, he doesn't go. And as for choices, my son will choose an adverse option over going if he doesn't want to go, but if I'm turthful, it's probably because he knows I won't follow through with the much less appealing option. Perhaps I need to do it once to send the message.
This is pretty new to us, as it's only been about 5 months since his father and I officially broke up, so we are still figuring this all out. I definitely think we all need to be more consistent with how we approach this situation, and maybe for a while, we need to try to arrange it where I am the one dropping him off, because this seems to be the smoothest transition. He is just so sensitive to leaving my mom. In fact, at night, he will lay in bed and get teary and tell me he misses Nanny. lol
Thanks you all again. So nice to hear supportive words!
Hi L.:
The advice is good about giving the child a choice.
His father or____________________ something he has to do if he doesn't go to his father.
Basically give him choices in many things.
Hope this helps. D.
L.,
This happened and still happens with my two girls, 3 & 4. At first, I cried my eyes out when he forcefully took them(after they left) They just did not want to go with their dad. I was always available to keep them too, and spent the majority of time with them. I was getting worried, I know they love him, I wasn't sure of the problem. We tried all the tricks, bribes etc. Then we tried to let them choose which lead to us standing at the door, then the car, then him pulling away, then coming back...It came down to realizing the situation was being dragged on for 10-20 minutes before a decision was made.
We decided it wasn't fair to put the responsibility of decision on them. The process was the problem. Now we make any potential "situation" quick. In and out. We give them the decision of going if we both agree, yes or no then its done. Now if one wants to go, one wants to stay..it happens. Quick, done and thats the way it is. They realize now that they have a choice, but its final.
Now I think they trust us a bit more, strange to expect that from such a young age, but they seem to understand the situation a little better.
Hi L....
I see what Donna is saying..."you can either go to your fathers house or we are going to stay home and clean your room all weekend."
My son is also 3 1/2 and he has to be in control of all decisions made on his behalf. Or shall I say he has to "think" he is in control!! I'm constantly throwing alternatives out to him like..."you can go to grammy's and play with her and do fun things or you can stay home with me and help me fold the laundry all day." When I am really desperate and trying to head off a temper tantrum because he is not getting his way I will even pull out the "you can go to pre-school or you can go back to bed and spend the rest of the day there, you decide." It really seems to work for him because he is very stubborn and has to be in control! Just make sure that you don't throw out an alternative to him that you are unable to follow thru with.
I might be on the wrong track and maybe your little guy isn't as stubborn as mine, but it won't hurt to try giving him "control" with the alternative ideas! Good luck!
L.
I am in the exact same family situation as you!My daughter is 3.5 and her father and I have been broken up officically since she was one and we never married. Now I agree with Katie's response. We have tried to be agreable about things,what has worked for us so far so that doesnt happen has been to have him visit her in my home during the week and not make things uncomfortable for her.Then weekends if he wants to take her somewhere fun then they go.I dont know if that can be implemented for you but I think talking to them and annoucing the situation to them before it happens like "today your going to your Dad's" and then when the time comes you can say I told you this morning you were going. They do try to manipulate and control thats their deal at this age so you have to overcome it by communicating and reinforcing the rules over and over until in their bright little minds can understand that you are serious!
I wish you the best it breaks my heart to see them upset
but you as the parent should guide him through this process and possibly working things out with the "ex" so he also understands its not "his" fault but in order to effectively handle this you need his cooperation.
Best wishes...
S. p.s. my BFF lives in Uniontown and I visit every so often!
I agree with not forcing your son to go. I think that you and the father should try to think of more ways to have the son and father spend time together that don't involve your son having to go anywhere he doesn't want to go. Don't use the visitation as just a thing to do when the timing is convenient for the adults--arrange fun things for a son to do with his dad. That's the whole point, really, is for them to continue building a relationship even though they don't live together. Good luck!
I think at this age, kids push the envelope sometimes to see how much control they can get. I don't think this has anything to do with your ex in particular - just a child sensing that he can manipulate this situation and make everyone bend over backwards to make him happy. I don't mean that he's doing this maliciously - it's just a normal developmental stage. And if it weren't this, it would be something else. I think you need to set firm expectations and not give on them except in special circumstances (doesn't feel well, etc.). It is never ok to treat another person poorly and that is essentially what he is doing by rejecting his dad. You just tell him ahead of time that he will be going to Dad's the next day and that Dad is really looking forward to it. End of discussion. When he objects, you explain that you're sorry, but it's time to go see Dad. And stick to it. Then talk to him later about how his actions affect others - a good idea is to ask him how he would feel if his best friend or some other person he loves didn't want to come visit him. And try to draw a parallel. I think kids at this age understand more than we give them credit for. A great book for me when my kids were doing this kind of thing was Faber's "How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk." Good luck - it's really hard, but get's easier if the kids figure out you can't be swayed easily.
I don't have all the answers for you BUT from the sounds of it a couple things. . it could be something as simple as your son just wants to be in control of his own destiny and he has found perhaps that he can say no and it will stick without any consequences to him OR have you tried asking him why he doesn't want to go? Maybe he just doesn't feel truly wanted or doesn't feel safe and secure with his father. Or maybe he has these fears of not feeling safe and they just need addressed and he needs assured that his father does love him and does care for him (assuming that is true) Can you pinpoint a pattern of when he doesn't want to go?
I wish I had better advice for you but kids are sometimes hard to figure out. GOOD LUCK!
Oh the 3's! The whole time I was reading this I was wondering how old he is! My son is the same age and I would take the 2's back in a second! I know so much is going on in his head and he is making leaps and bounds in everything everywhere, but of course it causes these periods of craziness in him that I sit and wonder "what in the world is going on?" The one day he cried hysterically when I dropped him off at his Grandmother's in the morning before I went to work....he LOVES Grandma's! He wasn't fooling me and so I just gave him a big hug, told him Ioved him and would see him after nap and I left. Within a minute my mother in law called to tell me as soon as they walked in the door, he asked if they could make popsicles and was fine the rest of the day! DRAMA!
Anyway, have you tried just dropping him off and going and see what happens? If he had no problem before, he may be staging his performance as opposed to really meaning it..just like my son did. I am not saying this is so and your situation is different than mine. My son does go to preschool and we have had issues at drop off the same way...cry and as soon as I leave he is playing with friends,
If your son has bonded very closely with your mother, and your mother is like my mother in law, (who is extremely wonderful, but lives by the grandmother law of "grandmothers have certain privledges"..aka my son has her wrapped pretty tightly around his finger and separating from her even when I come to pick him up is a struggle) then that might be a tough one. It is hard to force someone to do something they do not feel comfortable doing and she may not feel comfortable just leaving him their while your son is showing anxiety. I don't have an answer for that except maybe talk with your mom and come up with a consistent game plan for drop off.
Have you tried sticker charts....if you don't cry and fuss when I drop you off you get a sticker and when your chart is full you can pick a toy of your choice? This has worked well for me in the past. Good luck....I am right there with you!
You have some good advice so far. Would you feel comfortable having his dad visit in your home? Maybe that would lessen your son's discomfort. You could always go out and run errands and his dad could play with him in an environment that he is familiar with. Just an idea. Or, you could help his dad plan something that he would LOVE to do, such as go see a new movie, or go to the zoo. Most likely this will pass, but I do understand it must be difficult. I feel for his dad. I had phases with both of my boys where they did not want to be with me, only their daddy. It was heartbreaking for me!
