How Do I Handle My Marital Woes?

If it were me, I'd see a counselor on my own.

If I was no longer attracted to my husband, didn't really trust him, and felt stuck in a marriage - I'd need support to make changes to myself, so that I could move on.

That's what I would do.

There's no point in feeling guilty or selfish. What matters is that you seem miserable and this isn't working for you. Let the past go, deal with the here and now. Children tend to do better in life when their parents are happy. Sometimes that means being apart. Best to you

Therapist, pronto. Not marriage counselling. Counseling for you, alone. You need someone to help you figure out what you want. You may even need to be screened for depression.

In my opinion, the help you need is beyond what a friend (and certainly strangers on the internet) can give you.

I would see a therapist to help you sort out all of your feelings and thoughts. Then, after this you will be in a better mindset to see where you need to change and what that means to you.

counseling or therapy. definitely . and don't wait, do it now.

Get some counseling for yourself so that you have a safe place to talk through your thoughts and feeling and put together a plan. 99% of me is screaming at you to end this misery and get a divorce. But the 1% that hesitates is the part of me that can acknowledge that my divorce has been relatively easy and positive because I am in a vastly different situation from you - I have my degree, I've always worked, I can financially take care of myself and my kids, and I was never concerned with being "a good wife" or deferring to my husband and whatnot. Your upbringing and current situation are very different from mine and the road ahead might not be as smooth because of it.

I think that you need to put together a long-term plan. Finish your degree. Get a job. Take control of your finances. Establish a credit history if you don't already have one. Get yourself into a place where you feel like you are your husband's equal. Make sure that you take care of yourself, have friends, do things that you enjoy, etc. Become the whole woman who you really are. Find yourself.

You may find that when you make these changes, your relationship may change for the better. Maybe feeling less trapped in your marriage will make you able to truly, freely choose to stay, because you want to. Or maybe it will inspire you to move on. In either case, you'll be better off than you are now. Clearly you aren't going to spend the rest of your life with this guy so you have plan for what happens after the kids are gone if you do decide to stay together for them, for now.

It look my ex and I nine years after his affair(s) to finally call it quits. We tried, we really did, but our marriage as difficult from the get-go and his mental health issues really got in the way of us ever being functional. Our kids were very stressed out by us and we are all happier now that we live in separate places. It's been a very positive experience for all of us overall, but again, having a career and the ability to support myself and my kids has been a huge part of smoothing the transition. Unless your husband's income is really high and you think you can get child support (and spousal support) that can help maintain your household, you will go through financial difficulty when splitting up.

This is what I would tell you if you were sitting right next to me. Do the counseling thing AND please go fill out some financial aid papers. You have no life outside your home. YOU need to grow and have some skills.

You might find that you absolutely hate college life BUT that's good. You might like to cut hair or sell insurance or stock shelves because you like order and everything in it's place.

I loved going to college. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I studied psychology and sociology with a minor in social work. I worked with people that have developmental disabilities. I loved my work.

You are not being hit? Cussed at daily? He takes good care of you and is a good dad to the kids? Then there is no emergency.

You have time to explore yourself to see what you want to do with your life.

Once you have a degree you will have the means to find gainful employment where you can stand on your own two feet and get out on your own if, IF, that is what you decide you want to do. You might find, through counseling, that you are just not facing your anger and resentment and how much he hurt you. SO you've buried all your feelings for him and they can't surface. That's okay. Maybe he killed them completely.

But my point is that you should take time to see what you really feel deep inside and then improve yourself and go to school so if you do decide to leave you will have your own income. If you decide to stay you will have more income and can work together with hubby to have a nicer style of living and do more as a family.

counseling and college classes!

Do you think his weight is a big factor? Can you start cooking healthier for him and tell him you need him to start taking care of himself to help with the attraction?

I'd make a plan for the future and include education and a job in it. If you divorce this man and have nothing but him to rely on for financial support, where will you really be? Tell him that you'd be happier if you begin to do something for yourself - like go back to school to learn a trade or finish a degree. There is so much out there that you can learn quickly and for not much money (tons in the medical field). Then get a job - one you love. If you're happy and financially set, you might find the nerve to kick him to the curb and move on with your life. Or, you might find happiness with him and your new found success. Find yourself, then you will get to happy.

welcome to mamapedia, A..

Sit down. You need to hear what I'm saying. It won't be easy. But you need to hear it.

1. Stop being the victim. He had an affair. Got it - been there, done that. My ex-husband cheated on me. We managed for a time after it, but there was much more going on than an affair. You are playing victim by holding it against him. YOU made the decision to marry him. No one forced you, right? This was NOT an arranged marriage?

2. You need counseling ALONE. It's obvious you have communication with him because you told him how you felt and he responded. YOU need to talk to someone who can help you let go and find peace in your life.

3. You need to stop blaming others for your decisions in life. This is part of being the victim. You are cheating yourself, your husband and your kids out of a good life because of decisions YOU made.

4. Go back to school and get your degree.

5. Get a hobby. Your kids are NOT a hobby. You need something outside your husband and kids. You don't value yourself. It's almost like you're depressed and have been for years without any treatment. You need help.

You need to value yourself. You don't. You're sticking around because you feel it's the right thing to do. do you not realize your children can see this? do you not realize that your children FELL the truth? This is the example you are setting for them. THIS is the way they will see marriage and how a W. is to "behave". IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FOR THEM? Better question - is this what you want for YOU?

YOU need to stop being the victim. Take control of your life. You either forgive your husband or you don't. If you don't? Then leave. Divorce him because that's not good for either one of you.

Get a therapist who will pull you out of this abyss you are in and get you on the road to a life where you can see the sunshine and smiles and appreciate them and LAUGH. I truly feel you are depressed and in need of strong therapy and possibly drugs to get you through this. Get a life - a hobby. Something YOU enjoy. Make time for YOU. Get your degree. Stop blaming others for your decisions. Own your decisions and make your life.
YOU CAN DO THIS.

the only reason to stay, it seems, is because it's 'godly'.
i'm so glad my gods don't inflict that sort of torture on me.
everything else is a negative.
what would you say to your kids in that situation?
khairete
S.