How Do I Get My Husband to Love His New Step Daughter?

My stepmom has always been this way. Her daughters are family. My brother and I are not. Now as adults she and my dad only visit my stepsisters and their kids and she only considers those her grandkids. When I tell my kids we are going to go visit Grandma and Grandpa X my youngest always says, Who is that again? I am not close to my Dad....how can I be? He just goes along with what his wife ways. Actions speak louder than words and his actions show me his true feelings. Honestly, I would not stay married to a man who treated my daughter like this. I'd tell him it was totally unacceptable and he needs to do therapy for x months in order to change. IF he changes how he thinks about and treats my daughter I will stay with him. If he cannot change then I would divorce him. I would always 100% put my daughter first.

I'm so sorry that he didn't establish a good relationship with her before your marriage, and even sorrier that you married him without it. I honestly can't imagine marrying anyone without him loving and respecting my children as much as me. Obviously you can't "get" him to do anything, so maybe you need to rethink this relationship.

Part of getting to know one another is talking about parenting styles and seeing if you have anything in common in that department before getting married.
Not getting on one page and not treating all the kids the same probably means your marriage shouldn't last if it means destroying your daughter and her childhood.

There was a mom on here a while ago who chose to live with a boyfriend who openly despised her son from the age of 8 yrs old - never so much as ever gave him a birthday card or acknowledged Christmas or any other holidays - and then 8 years later - while still debating whether she should stay with this boyfriend - she was concerned that her son was totally messed up.

Don't be that mom.

Your child needs to come before your marriage.
You had your baby first - you have a prior commitment to raise her in a loving environment.
Try family counseling but if things do not get better soon - like in a few months, not years - end the marriage.
Don't make your daughter suffer.

Oh no, your poor daughter. I know you want to save your marriage but your daughter needs to come first IMO. If she can’t do anything right in your husband’s eye, this will just be so damaging to her long term and is no way for a child to live. Best of luck. Your husband sounds like a mean man to treat a child like this, of course I don't have the whole story so perhaps things aren’t that bad.

It sounds to me like you need family and possibly marriage counseling.

These kinds of questions really tick me off. For anybody reading, that is contemplating marrying someone that doesn't treat your child well, DON'T MARRY THEM. I would rather be single than put my child through a life like this.

As for you, B., decide who your priority is now, before it is to late.

Wow, another dysfunctional blended family.
Husbands come and go but your daughter is your child. If this man you forced into your child’s life is mistreating her and puts her down then cut him lose. Get your priorities straight.

Welcome to mamapedia, B..

Why did you marry a man who doesn't get along with your daughter? WHY would you do this??

You have two choices - marriage counseling or divorce.
Do you think he will change? If not? Divorce him and be on your way. You and your daughter deserve better.
If you think he will change? then marriage counseling and work on your marriage and blended family.

NEVER EVER MARRY someone who doesn't get along with your child. It's a HUGE RED FLAG!!

I love Marda's idea. I remember my parents doing this for us. There were 3 kids, and they would spend one-on-one time with each of us each month. It was usually just taking us out and getting a coke or a milkshake or something not too expensive, but it was one-on-one time and made us each feel very special.

I don't know if that is a too simple to be a solution to whatever you are facing. If you start to feel like the responses you are getting are less than helpful or don't seem to really fit your situation, you might need to elaborate a bit on your situation. I understand you might be intentionally keeping your question vague, but you might need to say a bit more in order to get helpful ideas.

It's so hard to guess at this without details: ages of the children, length of the marriage, how long you dated before getting married (how much time did the kids have to get to know the prospective stepparent, what is the custody/visitation arrangement, etc.).

If your daughter is with you two all the time and his kids just visit, is he being lenient with them because he sees them rarely? Is he the party dad to them while she is around all the time for daily interaction/discipline? Do you and he have the same parenting styles? What is your relationship with his kids? For example, does he see you as too strict and you see him as too lenient, or vice versa? What is your communication style with each other? Do you have a united front?

Have either of you spent time alone with the other one's children?

With zero info, and with your marriage at stake, all I can say is to get couple's counseling asap.

Perhaps planning for him to spend one on one time with her and your stepchildren. My daughter has started taking her children one by one each one chooses.

Last night I went to see a movie with him and his mother. He likes the nickel arcade. The younger kids like to get ice cream and go to the library.

I suggest that getting to know her will help him love her.

I agree with Heidi that family counseling is important.

A good friend of mine grew up in a household where she didn't bond with one mom and was kind of un-favored. She always felt rejected, but worse wondered why the other parent (who was affectionate) didn't step up and do something. So she felt rejected two fold.

Deep psychological issues - she's middle aged. It also affected her children - as she carried those issues into adulthood.

If you don't get counseling for all - this will not only affect your marriage but much worse, affect your daughter's life. If your husband can find a way to bond with your daughter - great. If not, I think it's a no brainer. I'm not sure why you didn't consider this before marriage - you don't provide a lot of details. You must be feeling guilt at this point. I think counseling is first step - start there.

I am a step-parent and it is 20 times harder than being a regular a parent- you do not have the same legitimacy as the natural parent and not infrequently a natural one who does little for the children will get better treatment. Nonetheless, being a child of divorce is hard enough without getting negative vibes and unequal treatment from a parent figure.

As a mother, there are a lot of areas for compromise but one is not unequal treatment for your daughter. She needs to first understand the issues and then bring this up to husband and discuss ways of addressing the problem. Aside from retired people checking their money, few things are checked more closely than divorced children seeing if treatment of them is equal.

Why was this not addressed before you married? Signs had to have been there, you weren’t thinking of your child... :(

You can’t make him like your child nor make her like him. She’s in an unhappy home. She never asked for that.

I don’t understand how/why a parent would put themselves first and throw a child who should be the priority into a toxic mix of disfunction and then wonder what’s wrong?

How long have the two of you been together? What was his relationship with her like before you got married?