How Do I Get My 4 Yo to Stop Clinging to Me?

My four year old has this tendency, she seems to go through phases where she gets clingy or anxious when one of us leaves, usually me. Although it may be hard for you, try asking her why she is upset (you may have to do this at a seperate time, when she is calm). Ask her if she is worried or scared or just pretending or just missing you. You may be surprised by what she tells you - don't put words in her mouth but try to help her verbalize her feelings.

I would also make it very clear that she may not scream at you - it's my opinion that that is not genuine emotion, but more an attempt to gain power over you and keep you there. The main problem with that is merely that it escalates the situation and makes her feel worse. Make it clear that you won't be able to kiss her goodbye or good night if she is yelling and if she wants to communicate with you she must be calm. wouldn't actuallly walk away from her but try to find a happy medium so that she doesn't get away with manhandling you and yelling at you.

Then give her a strategy for coping - this is the most important thing at our house. My daughter used to panic when I left the house (to go to the supermarket for instance). We came up with a plan where she was in charge of closing the door behind me and then she would go wave out the front window when I drove by. It empowered her to have something to do other than just be upset and worry. So, try redirecting her. "When Mommy closes the door tonight, you tuck all your animals in and give them kisses and help them go to sleep."

Also, be very clear about where you are going and what you are doing, so she can visualize. Right now, she is like a little baby who is just fixated on the fact that you are gone. Tell her exactly what you are doing and where you will be. "Mommy is so tired, I am going to get a drink and then get right into my bed. Can I have one of your animals to keep me company?"

Don't make a big, big deal out of it (if you get upset, she will be more upset)... but I wouldn't ignore her either! Her feelings are legitimate, just help her deal with them.

Christy, the good news is that there seems to be a very clear cause for her anxiety. So start by putting yourself in the mind of a four-year-old...If a best friend can disappear forever without warning, it is logical for a little one to worry (and panic!) that a mother can do the same.

I'd start by talking with her about her friend, without condescending to her at all. If you've ever had experience with a friend moving this would be a good time to share your story and your feelings about it. Either way, tell her how sad you would be if your best friend moved away, and without even saying good-bye! What a terrible thing for anyone! Tell her how sad and angry you would be, and make sure she knows that it's okay to feel that way too. I'd also point out that this is really the parents' fault. They should have allowed their child to say good-bye to friends, to exchange addresses, etc. Tell her you are certain that her friend wanted to say good-bye, but that maybe her parents thought it would be too upsetting, or maybe they got too busy with the logistics of moving. Sometimes parents make mistakes!

Is there any way of contacting this girl? Maybe your daughter would like to write her a letter or draw her a picture? If that's not possible, maybe she'd like to start a penpal relationship with a family memember from out of state, or a child in another country? Could be a good distraction and also help to demonstrate that people don't "disappear" when they live far away.

Next, tell her VERY explictly that mom and dad will never ever go away and leave her. Sure, sometimes mom has to go to the store or to work, etc, but that's only for a short time. Reassure her that you will ALWAYS say good-bye first, and you will ALWAYS tell her when you are coming back. And you will NEVER lie and NEVER trick her.

Truly, even if it seems easier, and no matter how clinging and screamy she gets -- please don't EVER go anywhere without saying good-bye and telling her when you'll be back. That's good sense with any child, but especially crucial under these circumstances.

Then, stick to that. Be firm and matter-of-fact. Say good-bye, tell her when you'll be back, and go. Don't be dramatic, and don't indulge any drama on her part.

As far as moving from room to room without her in tow, well, you might want to indulge her on that for a short time (after all, the child is grieving). Give it a week. Then let her know that "Mom's going to cook dinner now, and I need you to stay here and play." But again, give her a time frame. "I'll be done in 30 minutes, but I'll come check on you in ten minutes", or whatever. And let her know that if she "needs" you, you will come right away. If she stays put and calls for you, go immediately (the reward for her staying put) -- but only to reassure her that you're "still here" . Remind her that you aren't finished cooking or working or whatever, but you'll be back in X minutes.

So, address her fears, honor her logic by being extra-reliable, while remaining firm consistant about how things need to work. I'm willing to bet that if you do, she'll get past this pretty quickly. Best luck!!

I have a four year old son that does the exact same thing. My advice is to just let her scream until she realizes that it will not work. My son is finally catching on that mommy ignores me when I do that. I sometime laugh because it is funny to watch him put in this award winning nomination but other times I feel bad because I want to go and hug him but the truth is if my son and your daughter only do it with us its because we somehow reward them for this behavior by giving hugs or attention and we have to stop.

You'll likely get a wide range of responses about this.

My personal opinion is that it's a phase, and if you show her she is loved, and do nothing to either promote it or discourage it, just be sure she knows you are there for her when she needs you, then she will eventually gain the independence needed to move forward.

Christy:

Hello! I'm sorry your daughter is going through this anxiety.

It sucks that the other child's parents didn't give notice - kids have feelings too. I hope you have a way to reach them so that MAYBE they can talk.

In the mean time, your daughter is TOTALLY scared - a friend, is someone in her mind who plays with her, etc. She left without saying goodbye. That would freak me out. She needs reassurance that you are NOT leaving her permanently. This is a great way to teach her to tell time! It's never to early. You can tell her that when the big hand is on the 4 and the small hand is on the 6 - you will be back (for example) to pick her up. Keep that promise.

Let her know it is NOT acceptable that she scream at you. You understand she's upset but she needs to TALK with you, not SCREAM at you. If she screams at you, you will ignore her (I know how hard it can be) but if she TALKS to you, you WILL listen.

Hope all works out for you.

Take care and God Bless.

Cheryl