How Do I Gently Teach My Almost 6 Yo How to Focus?

It very well could be his age. Most teachers I know will not even bring up ADD until the start of second grade. Most of them talk to past teachers to see if this behavior is new or not as well. Some kids (mine) scream ADD from the get go of school and I pushed for the evaluations for them not that anyone disagreed with me. Anyhow I would wait another full school year to see if he gets it before you worry.

I know my son does the same thing, always has. He can't sit still at all unless he had the cartoons on, the he's as still as a statue. But in class, he would wander the perimeter of the class room during lessons. The teacher would ask him questions and he could tell her what the lesson was about so he wouldn't make him sit down. He too is ADHD/ODD so his last two teachers are allowing him this freedom. I don't like it because I'm afraid what it's going to do to him when a teacher won't allow him the same freedom.

At home, my husband and I refuse to allow him to leave the table until dinner is finished, but he can't seem to sit "right" on a chair. He seems to always have to have it balancing on two legs or something...it gets old.

During homework, we always have to actually snap our fingers and say the word "focus" for him to come back to Earth and do his homework or answer us, as he seems to live with his head in the clouds. Good luck to you.

M.,

I don't know why teachers even say those words unless they are saying: I suspect that your child has a disablity and I am making a referal for some educational testing because if I bring it up, I am obligated to make such a referal." It just burns me up.
If she wanted you to work with him on his behavior, then she should have put it like that. I would document it, and I would ask her to do the same. By documentation, I mean functional documentation, noting in writing what happened just before he got up. You will be glad that you have it for two reasons. If this is going to be a problem, you will have evidence of exactly what the issue is so that you can get a proper evaluation. And second, you can show that the inclass and at home interventions have not been sucessful if they don't work and you can get intervention sooner. Once a referal has been made, the teacher will be called upon to do this anyway, so you are saving a step.

I think that the issues the teacher has described are not "attention" they are impuslivity and hyperactivity. He may just need to move, and has not developed the abilty yet to stop himself from doing his thing. That is the skill you need to help him with, and that might be a hard task.

It kind of sounds like redirection could be helpful, and it will be a test for you to see if you have an issue or not, but from a parent with kids who have issues, you parent the kid you have in front of you. If you do have a child with impuslivity and hyperactivity issues, you are doing a good job by finding easy solutions at home that keep the peace and work without a battle, even if that means letting him get up from the table to wander and having a loose lifestyle. You may be picking your battles well without even realizing it! Try to encoperate as much positive renenforcement as you can instead of punishing him when he does not comply. Sucess breeds sucess, so set him up for as much as you can and catch him doing what you want.

As for not discussing medications, you are right on. Medications are but one part of treatment for ADHD, but before you could even think of treatment, you need to confirm the problem, then have a full evaluation-medical, neruolgical, educational...(both at school, and privately-never know less about your son than the school.) After you have a proper medical diagnosis from a Developmental Pediatrician, a Board Certified Child Psychiatrist, or a Nuerologist then you should follow their plan and access medical, behavioral, theraputic, and educational interventions. Medication is never approriate alone, and never from a breif evaluation at your regular pediatricians office.

Finally, don't get caught up in the maturity issue. This has nothing to do with what you are talking about. You have identified the issue: He gets up impulsively and wanders. Get a base line on how many times this happens now, and implement more structure at home and keep a close eye on what they are doing at school- because, bottom line, this is a school issue.

Good luck, and I think you are doing a fine job, you seem to be picking the battles that matter, and sometimes, that is the right thing to do.

M.

Here are some links that I think will help you and your son's teacher with his attentional issues:

http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/treatment-160825-5.html
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-behavioral-techn...
http://www.livestrong.com/article/96363-classroom-behavio...

Not everything you are going to read in these are articles is going to apply but take whatever strategies you feel will be beneficial and go from there. I agree, medication should not even be considered at this point until after you have exhausted all of your behavioral modification strategies.

Wishing you and your son all the best.

A few options for you to help him:
1- teach him how to manage distractions himself (turn off tv, find quiet places)
2- give him small things to "fiddle" with when he needs to be still to give him just enough stimulation to make sitting still manageable. They actually have rocking chairs you can use at school desks, so he needs to find balance and can wiggle all he wants without disturbing others or getting up
3 - sensory integration materials do wonders for kids with attention issues
4- karate, yoga, tai chi, and gymnastics all do wonders for learning to integrate movement with control and calm and are highly recommended for kids with ADHD-like symptoms

Finally, helping him learn "the rules" of school apply, even in certain situations at home (like dinner table, story time) and away (church, library) will help him understand what is expected of him. Doesn't sound like ADHD to me, sounds more like he has not yet learned the rules. Timed things often don't work as well as life-long skills... best of luck!

My oldest boy is just like this. Although his focus issues started a bit later (around 7) it is still very frustrating. Here is what I discovered really helped.

We were always very loose in our schedules so I tightened it up; up at 7 get dressed and ready for the day, lunch and 11:15, dinner at 5:15, and snacks in between and bedtime at 8:30.

Now we are not military and sometimes schedules do not allow for the times to be exact, we just set some goals to work around.

I also took TV and video games away during the week. This is really hard!!! Especially since I have a husband who loves TV and two other small kids that need to be distracted with something during homework time.

I then focused on his diet. I made sure fast food was a special occasion (once or twice per month). I pushed the veggies and fruit, and lots of water. No soda, candy, junk, fried or frozen food. Just good home cooking.

The last thing I did was demonstrate the importance of school. I made sure I took time to look through all his school stuff with him. Set time to do homework with him. Rewarded him with good behavior, etc.

In short, he is still one of the more distracted kids but much better. I have found that he is a very creative person and being one myself I totally understand the need to daydream, explore and live a little. I totally understand that he will probably struggle with this for life but is learning the tools to keep it under control.

Hope this helps, good luck to you and good for you for no drugs. You can get a handle on this. I don't think it is ADD either.

By your own admission YOU don't expect him to sit, stay focused and finish a task or meal. So why would he behave differently when he's not at home?

I am a big believer that our job as parents is to teach our kids how to be successful...in school, on playdates, with friends, etc.

It sounds like you already know that "the rules need to change" at home. When it's mealtime (breakfast, snacks, etc) he needs to wash up, come to the table, sit down and eat. If/when he gets up, the food should be taken away OR he should be redirected back to his chair until everyone is done eating.

I don't think you need "timed" activities as much as teaching him to start something and finish it...not necessarily when HE's done, but when the job, meal, game, etc. is done.

Start with a game of Candyland. Do a family game night on Friday nights after dinner. Play until the game is over. If he gets "bored" remind him that everyone plays the game on family game night.

Maybe over the summer, after school is done, have him do 2 'homework' pages every day after lunch. They sell workbooks at WalMart, Lakeshore Learning, etc. Get him the 1st grade workbook. Do one "math" and one "reading" front and back. If he gets up, redirect him back to his seat. This will teach him to stay focused on learning, staying seated and finishing his work.

Know that in 1st grade the teacher WILL expect him to go to the bathroom himself, get dressed for outside himself, and generally stay on task. If it's reading time he needs to sit, listen, not fidget too much, and not interrupt. 1st grade can be a LONG day...especially if your child is not used to sitting still.

Everything he's doing is completely normal behavior. He needs to learn these lessons at home if he's going to be successful in school. If you don't teach him these values at home, then you are setting him up for a frustrating year in 1st grade.

I'm sure you want the best for him. These are some simple steps to expect more from your "big boy" when he goes to "big boy school" in the Fall.

Well I would suggest not being quite so lax at home. My kids only get up from the table if they have to go to the bathroom or to get something else from the fridge and at that I expect them to use their manners and excuse themselves. If you were out to eat at a nice restaurant, wouldn't you expect him to sit still and hold a conversation with you? I certainly do, otherwise they don't come out with us.

I've heard parent/child yoga classes are a real hit and working wonders at teaching kids how to slow down, learn their own rhythms, and how to meditate...perhaps that would be something useful to him and something you could both get something out of?

I would work with him on some attention exercises... our school has a reading program called Accelerated Reader. Has your son started reading yet? Perhaps some of this is boredom. The AR program gets the kids reading and then they have to answer questions about the book...we have an incentive program at school for those who make their AR goals each quarter. I'd say over 1/2 of the current Kindergarten class is currently reading AR books at our school. Perhaps this is something you could work on with him over the summer...he could read you a book and you could ask him questions about it. I've also read chapter books to my son and asked him comprehensive questions about it...I think because of it hea has one of the highest comprehensive abilities in his class.

Good for you for not jumping for the meds. I think they are over used. Frankly, I think if you just find things he's interested in and challenge him you will probably see a difference. I would also have a discussion with him about expectations about needing to sit still and pay attention in the classroom...find out what may be causing this...from his point of view, perhaps the room was too hot, he was clautrophobic, his legs fell asleep, or he just had spring fever...with the large class sizes these days, the teacher probably didn't have the time to get to the bottom of what might be causing this...so it's up to you to unravel the mystery. I've no doubt you will get to the bottom of it. :)

You may have to amend your lifestyle at home a bit so your kids know when it's appropriate to get up and when it's not. I have a 4 year old son who LOVES to get up and wander. We've finally gotten him to stop it at the dinner table, and part of my wanting to do that was so he would understand at times he CANNOT get up and wander in school. I've always very calmly and nicely redirected him back to where and what he was supposed to be doing. We talk a lot about how you're supposed to act in certain places and certain times. I'm not going to say my son is NOT ADD, but I'm not sure yet. However, at this point in his life, he is showing that he can learn to focus on the task at hand. With us, it's just been consistent repetition that has worked.

I agree it may be just that he doesn't understand that he needs to sit and listen. If it is ADD, though, something like www.interactivemetronome.com or Brain Balance Centers would help a lot. We've been very happy with the help we've gotten there. GL!

Hi M.,
I'm glad you haven't accepted the ADD thing yet as that is way over used in my opinion. Particularly on boys. Public schools are the worst for trying to make every child conform to their little standards, tests and agendas. They have decided if they don't "fit in the box" they probably need a drug or two to make them fit. I have found that my 4 yo boy is at least twice as active as my 5 yo girl ever thought of being. Therefore I have to change gears so to speak when I am working, teaching, training him (we home school). His attention span is way different and shorter then our daughters so I need to teach him in small bites that get his attention. For example in teaching him some math the other day I had him get out some of his (plastic) work tools so we could use them to add and subtract with. Both our kids love to read but our daughter could sit forever and read while our boy starts to get bored and squirmy. We do make both our kids sit still and be quiet when we are in church. And during mealtime they have never been allowed to get down and run around and then return to the table. Once they are finished with dinner and have ask to be excused then they are allowed to get down and not allowed to return to the table unless called back. This rule also applies in restaurants. Nothing is worse then trying to enjoy a meal and having other peoples kids running around causing havoc. I think if you do a little bit of training with your son in small segments teaching him to sit still and listen or simply just to sit still for a few moments at a time (It's an important quality whether you're young or old) he'll do just fine in school. Blessings, L.

It sounds as if one of the main answers may lay in your own response in reading it - because your family structure is a little more relaxed, he may not be aware of the difference between the two different environments and what's expected in each.

For his best interest, are you willing to perhaps alter the family environment at home to help him understand the structure of the classroom - especially since 1st grade is so different from kindergarten?

Some people are blessed with different thresholds for attention - I've spent most of my career in sales, and take most of the people drawn to this career, put them in a classroom for 3 days straight, and it's like caging a lion. Still, there's an expectation of participation and a decorum of how to behave.

I'd also recommend picking an activity such as a game, a book, flashcards, and practicing different lengths of time focusing on them. As he achieves certain milestones, increase the intervals as needed.

Good luck.

Dear M.,
What you are describing is very normal for a 5 year old boy. We try to institutionalize our children and expect them to fit some unrealistic mold. And, if they don't fit, we medicate them. Yes, a small few have real issues, but we are not reaching the individual needs because it is too costly in terms of time and effort to do so. Five year old boys are not made to sit still and listen for 8 hours in a day! They need to be out running, looking for bugs, exploring, taking dominion of their world. We are feminizing them by our institional systems. Please understand that I don't mean that *you* are doing this. I think you are truly trying to figure out what is going on and if this is normal. I applaud you for asking. I mean that our systems are doing this, our schools (they don't have much choice, to be honest, because of how they are set up). Our poor sons are being put in situations that are not ideal for their development. I pray you find some good counsel and some good answers.